"Everything's Peachy"
03.01.05
Summary: What if Hoggle ate the peach? Dresses and chaos ensue. PG-13 for language, alcohol and mentioned sexuality. But it's not that bad!
When one labels one's self, actions to prove otherwise have a tendency to go awry.
This occurred to Hoggle as he held the peach to his mouth. About ten feet ahead of him, Sarah followed Ludo and Sir Didymus to the dreaded castle. Hoggle did not understand why but he felt the need to protect Sarah. And, at the moment, the only thing that could stop Sarah was a peach. Not any peach, no, but a peach given to Hoggle (to give to Sarah) by Jareth. There was no explanation given except the demand to give the peach to Sarah. It was now or never. Hoggle decided to become a martyr. He took a bite out of the peach. Slowly, the world around him began swirling. The strange swirling sped up as he sat… well, rather toppled over, and closed his eyes, trying to clear his head. It wasn't happening. His feeling of surroundings was leaving with his legitimate consciousness. He opened his eyes and he gasped.
"This can't be right," he said to himself. He was in a pale coloured room and all around, dancers swirled in hoop shirts, tail coats and masks. The most frightening part of this… this hallucination… was that he, Hoggle, was in a dress. Not just any dress, no, but a poofy, frilly, pearly silver gown. He reached up and felt something strange and wiry woven in his little amount of hair. He looked around frantically, hoping there would be a simple exit to this strange predicament he'd just found himself in. No exit.
"Oh damn," he muttered to himself. His ears perked up as a song began. The masquerade dancers swirled past as he pushed his way around the room, looking for any way of getting out. Just asking would be far too easy as anyone's answer would probably be as nightmare-ish as this… hallucination. Was this was Sarah would have seen if she ate the peach? It wasn't that bad… yet. 'This is a nice, fairy-tale kinda place. Sarah might have liked it,' Hoggle thought, looking around. He paled. Did he just see… no it couldn't be…? Why, oh, why would the evil, sinister Goblin King want Sarah to have a romantic fantasy? STARRING THE GOBLIN KING HIMSELF? Hoggle's eyes went wide as he noticed Jareth inconspicuously looking around the ballroom. 'He must be lookin' for Sarah!' Hoggle realized with horror. But why? Does he have, gasp, feelings? FOR SARAH! Feelings alone would be amazing. Hoggle realized, a bit too late, the peach would be of no harm to him. However, he must get to Jareth and beg him to end this dream/nightmare/dress-wearing-misadventure.
Hoggle hitched up his dress, shuddering at the idea of actually wearing one, and waddled around speedily for a good five minutes before, after turning around abruptly, ran into something and fell over. Upon looking up at what he ran into, he decided he should have kept his eyes closed and pretended to be knocked out. He was currently starring up at a certain part of Jareth's anatomy that one's eyes are always drawn to. It must be some kind of 3-D visual magnetism conspiracy. Jareth poked Hoggle with his boot.
"What are you doing here?" he asked. His voice was angry but Hoggle could see the slight confusion in his eyes. Hoggle quickly stood up and did his best to look up at Jareth's face, not what was at immediate eye-level. Once again, 3-D magnetism.
"Um… um… I ate the peach," was all Hoggle could manage to get out before Jareth grabbed him, tucked him under his arm effortlessly and carried him over to a deserted corner, dropping him quickly. Hoggle shook himself (and his dress) out and listened to Jareth's rants.
"How could you have done this? The plan was perfect! Sarah would eat the peach. She would be here. She would search for me and, eventually, she would find me. We would then dance. The dance would cause her to fall in love with me and how could you ruin this for me!" Hoggle was a bit disturbed by Jareth's sudden breakdown. 'He does love her…' Hoggle slowly realized. Hoggle waddled over to a chair and pulled it over. He knew very well the healing powers of sitting down and, to his amazement, the usually evil-tempered Goblin King sat down, holding his head in his hands. Hoggle paced for a moment, the looking at him.
"How does this ruin it? Didn't you realize somethin' might go wrong with your plan?" Hoggle asked.
"No. Usually my orders aren't botched by an idiot," Jareth snapped back.
"I'm the idiot?" Hoggle wondered aloud.
"What did you say?"
"Uh, nothing…," Hoggle paced a bit more in his dress, skirts swishing as he glared at them for a moment, "Why don't you do one of those time rearrangement things?" Hoggle asked. It seemed like the logical thing to do. However, logic held little place in the Labyrinth. Jareth shook his head.
"I'm already rearranging time. Rearranging time within a rearrangement would be dangerous if it were even possible. In the crowd of dancers, there is a tall and rather non-curvaceous woman named Stella. She has brown hair, blue eyes and is dancing with an equally tall, dark haired man although she is regarding the females with more interest. Tell her I need a drink. A very strong one," Jareth demanded as Hoggle scuttled off into the crowd. He sighed and shook his head. When one labels one's self, actions to prove otherwise have a tendency to go awry. This occurred to him too late. His marvelous plan, a plan that could win any girl's heart, had been slighted by a dwarf who assumed he could "save" her. He looked up as Stella and Hoggle walked over. Stella, dressed in a magnificent power blue dress, was carrying a glass filled with a mysterious amber liquid (though everyone knew what it was) and a few ice cubes. He took the glass gratefully from Stella as she herself pulled a chair over to sit with him. She glanced out into the ball for a moment, regarding the many dancing females and their tight gowns.
"So what's wrong now?" she asked as Jareth quickly drained his glass. Normally, speaking to Jareth in this tone garnered some punishment but as Stella was his cousin and one of the most blatant people he knew, it was appreciated. Jareth sighed.
"Hogbrain here decided to play hero and eat the enchanted peach."
"Not the enchanted peach! Oh, Hoggle, you idiot!" Stella exclaimed. She was well-informed on the King's personal affairs and sympathized terrible turn of events. She thought for a moment, looking around the room for some solution.
"Well, now I know why I was transported out of my bath. Damn it Jareth, what's with you and your romantic ideals…" she wondered aloud.
"This wasn't for my enjoyment-" he started before Stella cut him off.
"Oh shut up, I know you wanted that mortal girl. Well, she was pretty hot though… but her eyebrows were a little weird… Anyway, we need to get out of this damn dream-drug-thing. Right now!" Jareth made a mental note to never let Stella Aboveground again. Their slang was wearing off on her. The three sat in silence for a moment before Stella stood up, looking at a mirrored wall across the room. She abruptly grabbed her chair and started walking towards it. Jareth and Hoggle hurried over to her.
"What're ya doin' Stella?" Hoggle asked. She looked particularly menacing.
"Bitch, I'm bustin' out of here!" Stella exclaimed, causing some of the nearby dancers to look at her disparagingly. She stopped and looked at them.
"Like you've never seen MTV! I've seen you guys Aboveground, getting' crazy at clubs!" Stella yelled at them as they danced away, clearly embarrassed behind their masks. Stella continued making her way across the room, muttering something that sounded distinctly like, 'that's what I thought'. Finally reaching the mirrored wall, Stella set down the chair, looking at Hoggle and Jareth.
"Okay. Now I'm gonna pick up this chair here and slam it into that mirror, okay?"
"What's that supposed to do?" Jareth asked. Stella rolled her eyes.
"Man, I don't know why they decided you were to be king. Lineage my ass. You're dumb as a post! This mirror is obviously here for a reason. All mirrors have reasoning! Mirrors in dressing rooms, mirrors in bath rooms, mirrors above beds, you get the idea. So, yeah, I'm gonna break the mirror 'cause it obviously must have something to do with getting out of here. Any objections?" Stella asked, picking up the chair and getting ready to swing.
"Yeah! I'd like to know if I'm gonna get outta this dress!" Hoggle exclaimed.
"Good goddess, I hope so!" Stella yelled as she slammed the chair into the mirror.
And the walls fell.
The end.