If I Thought It Through… by Fade131

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop and I don't own the song. I have a Vicious shirt, though.

Summary: Julia escapes to Callisto again after Spike and Vicious fight and thinks over her life, the choices she's made, and the people she's neglected.

Author's Notes: This story is AU. I apologize if anyone is OOC, I don't mean for them to be. This takes place after the show— no one is dead. No one – that includes Gren. That way, it makes things much easier for me. So they are all alive.

Chapter 1: Sweet Surrender

Julia pushed her hair back behind her ear, only to have it fall softly across her face again. She sighed, giving in to the wind as the snow pelted her back, the cold easily seeping through the coat she wore to chill her even more. It was not proper winter attire – not that it was ever anything but winter on Callisto. She needed to think…needed to remember…needed to forget, as well.

The bar was open, as it always had been; warm, as it always had been. The bartender smiled when he saw her, nodding to the empty stool.

"We saved your seat, Miss Julia, just in case you ever came back."

"Thank you…" She slid onto the metal barstool, still cold, even in the relative warmth of the bar. "I'll have my usual, please…any entertainment today?" It was the bartender's turn to sigh, placing her drink in front of her. "Well, Miss Julia…I do believe your friend Gren is supposed to play tonight."

Julia smiled and took a sip of her drink. "I'll like that…I've missed him." The bartender looked up. "Then I hope he shows, Miss Julia, if it'll keep that smile on your face."

She laughed and nodded in agreement, took another sip of her drink, and fell into her thoughts. Spike and Vicious would look for her, she knew. Or at least…Spike would look. Someone would look for her. But…she had to leave. If she had stayed they would've killed each other, so leaving gave them no one to fight over anymore. This brought her back to what she had been thinking about ever since she left. Had she made the right decision? Had she been right to say no to Spike? He knew she loved him. Vicious knew, too…but she loved Vicious almost as much. She was afraid of loosing either of them. Afraid they'd kill each other and leave her all alone. Perhaps that was why she had left. To give up on them before she lost them. To go through the pain while knowing they were both safe, both alive…both in love with her.

She wanted so badly for the chance to tell Spike what she really felt…that she had made a mistake. She was sure of it. If it hadn't been a mistake, then why had every moment since then been filled with pain, this unending ache in her heart that told her she was wrong to let him go. She should have gone with him, should have loved him. But, another part of her countered, what of Vicious? Could she truly say that she would've been able to leave him? And if she had, wouldn't he have hunted them down, killed them? Killed Spike? Could she have let that happen?

No, she couldn't have. She couldn't have faced the possibility of Spike dying. Even if she left him, he was still alive, and then it was still possible that they could have their happy ending, that they could be in love. And Vicious…did she think that this pain would've gone away if she had gone with Spike? Or wouldn't it have just been different, a different ache…wouldn't she have simply wished she'd stayed instead? No. She would've been with Spike. Where, in her heart, she knew she belonged. She wanted to be with Spike, wanted to know he loved her, he cared for her, he needed her, he would be with her forever…but she wasn't.

She was on Callisto, in a run-down bar, two degrees from freezing, praying that no one would notice this beautiful, sad woman on the street and decide to take advantage of her. Of course, she could take care of herself, she had a gun, but…men were difficult, when they were desperate enough. The bartender refilled her drink, and Gren came on the stage with his saxophone and began to play, not noticing Julia.

She repressed the urge to cry, pushing back the tears…she wouldn't cry for Spike, not any more. It was over. If they couldn't stop, if this fighting wouldn't end…then neither one of them could have her. That was just how it was going to have to be. She would not dwell on this heartbreak any more. She couldn't change the past; she couldn't make everything work out in the end, because she wasn't sure how it was supposed to end. She didn't know if she was supposed to be like the princess locked in the tower, saved by the handsome prince…or if she was to live the life of the beautiful consort of the corrupt dictator of some third-world country…these roles seemed so similar to her life. Spike was her Prince Charming, coming to save her from the evil that had locked her away…Vicious was her ruler, strong and handsome and totally in control…and she wasn't sure which was worse.

She didn't want to be protected or saved or in love of heartbroken or alone or anything, really. She wanted to be Julia, herself…and if she could do that with someone else, without it ending in death and pain, then that was all right. But she didn't think she could do that with Vicious. Spike would try; he always tried, he wanted her to be happy…but she didn't think—

"Julia. Would you like me to play your song?" She looked up, startled, to meet bluer-than-blue eyes. Gren smiled down at her, offering a hand to help her off the stool.

"No, Gren…not tonight…I want…I want something I can sing to. Would that be all right?" Laughing, Gren nodded. She whispered the name of the song in his ear before he led her onto the stage, to the microphone. Trembling just a little as everyone turned to look at her, Julia closed her eyes and began to sing.

It doesn't mean much
It doesn't mean anything at all
The life I've left behind me
Is a cold room
I've crossed the last line
From where I can't return
Where every step I took in faith
Betrayed me
And led me from my home

It dawned on her, finally; she had left Spike. He wouldn't chase her through the stars, that wasn't something he did. He would go back to his life, and wait for their paths to cross again. She realized then that she wanted them to, very much.

And sweet
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give

She wanted to be with Spike, wanted to here him say he loved her, wanted to feel his arms around her, his lips on hers, his heartbeat against her chest…anything less was not an option.

You take me in
No questions asked
You strip away the ugliness
That surrounds me
Are you an angel
Am I already that gone
I only hope
That I won't disappoint you
When I'm down here
On my knees

So all she had to do…was make sure they found each other again, without Vicious knowing. If he found out, she would never have her happy ending. She would have her chance, she decided; there would be a day when she could tell Spike that she loved him, always and forever.

And sweet
Sweet
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give

But how could she do that? How could she know that this pain was for Spike, and not for Vicious? Or even…was she simply sorry for herself? Sorry that she was alone again? No…she loved him…

Sweet
Sweet
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give

The bar was silent except for the sound of her voice and the sad peal of the saxophone behind her. No one in the bar dared to interrupt the song – it seemed to be hypnotizing them; the song and the beautiful woman singing it held them in thrall.

And I don't understand
By the touch of your hand
I would be the one to fall

She had to suppress the sudden urge to laugh at these lyrics – she had known, the moment Spike looked at her, that her life had changed forever. This man, her heart had told her, this man is what you wanted, what you needed, what you thought you were getting.

I miss the little things
Oh I miss everything

So she fell for him…and now she missed him, terribly. The way he talked, the way he walked, the way he kissed…the way he always seemed to know what was bothering her, the sound of his voice, asking her to sing for him. So she did.

It doesn't mean much
It doesn't mean anything at all
The life I left behind me
Is a cold room.

The song ended slowly, and she gave a little bow to her rapt audience before hurrying off the stage and back to her drink. Gren was packing up his saxophone. She quickly paid the bartender, blushing slightly when he complemented her voice.

Someone caught her arm before she got out the door. She turned, startled, other hand reaching into her coat, but Gren's smile stopped her and she sighed in relief.

"Julia, do you have somewhere to stay?" Her mouth dropped open; Gren continued to look at her calmly. He knew she had nowhere to go, she had hurried away without plans or enough money to do more than get her here. She hesitated, unsure…but Gren was her friend, he wouldn't hurt her.

"No…I don't, Gren." He offered her his arm, eyes twinkling with laughter. "Then you shall stay with me. We can't have you wandering about alone; God only knows what would happen to you then." Sighing softly, Julia allowed herself to be led to Gren's apartment. It was warm there.

After they had both showered (Gren had loaned her an extra pair of pajamas) and eaten (Julia cooked their dinner) they sat down on the couch to talk.

"You know, Julia, I could've made dinner."

"You, know, Gren, I have to repay you somehow."

"Then sing tomorrow."

"What?"

"Do you know another song? Sing tomorrow, while I play. They pay better for a vocal performance."

"I'll think about it…"

"Why are you here, Julia?"

She paused, eyes growing sad. "…I had to get away."

"…from?"

"Everything! Everyone…I…they were fighting…I don't like it when they fight…I always know it will end badly…"

"Julia…which one of them do you love?"

"I love them both!"

"You know what I mean."

Julia froze, wide eyed and staring. He meant, which one did she love more? Which one would she give up everything and everyone to be with? "I…I don't know…" she lied slowly. "I need to think about it…"

Gren smiled, a sad smile almost identical to hers. "Then I think you should get some sleep, and tell me in the morning."

She nodded. When he got up to leave, though, she caught his arm. "Gren…I don't think…I can't sleep…alone…" He pulled her to her feet and led her to his room. When they had laid down and she seemed comfortable, he wrapped his arms around her and held her close. She hugged him back, gently. "You okay?"

Her arms tightened around him a little. "Yes…thank you…" She could hear the smile in his voice. "You're welcome, Julia…good night."

She fell asleep there, in his arms, pretending they belonged to someone else, and in her mind his soft lavender scent was replaced with a different one, of vanilla and cookie dough and cigarettes and metal, and in her mind it was Spike holding her as she slept, Spike who kept her fears at bay.

Fade: Well…I'm actually rather pleased with how that turned out. That was how I intended it to end. It didn't do what it wanted, for a change! Yay! Oh, and it isn't Gren and Julia, if anyone was confused. Gren is just a sweetheart and knows how to take care of her. That's all. Okay, if I get enough positive feedback I will write more. So press the button and review like a good little reader!!! Ja bye-bye!!!!