note: the symbole i wanted to use wouldn't work so all actions are indicated in bold
Author: long time no write everyone. Last time I wrote I was making a DBZ story. Sadly I got distracted, but after all the letters concerned about my lack of continuation I decided to explain in story form exactly why I haven't been writing. looks away mumbling to self actually nobody wrote anything. Go figure "Just ignore mister author he's not important enough to care about". snickers deviously But I'll show them. I'll show them all just as soon as I release my rabid wanbat hoard NOBODY WILL EVER IGNORE ME AGAIN MWAH HAHAHAHA Glances at reader and realizes he's still on Erherm...As I was saying please enjoy.
Disclaimer: the events you are about to read are based on true events the author imagined up in order to give some meaning to his pathetic worthless life. Any names, places ,or events resembling actual names, places, or events are simply coincidental and are not going to be paid any royalties so you can just kiss my shiny metal ass.
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Author: sitting in front of a computer diligently typing away. Stops typing and leans back with a satisfied look on his face Finally I have finished the greatest masterpiece of fanfiction this world has ever seen. Now all I have to do is save it. Reaches for mouse as computer spontaneously combusts GAAAA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. slams head into desk causing a small purple orb to roll out of the rubble. Author reaches over grabbing the object What the censored is this? a hand reaches over his shoulder and grabs it out of his hand. Turns around Yuffie (ff7) standing there smiling
Yuffie: Oh so that's where I put my "blows shit up at comical moments materia". Thanks for finding for me smiles and puts materia in her pocket so what are you doing?
Author: Stares at girl with a semi-dumbfounded semi-homicidal look in eyes You do know if you weren't my favorite Final Fantasy 7 character you would be dead right now. But since you are I guess I'll just have do this. points at Yuffie sick her Bob. both stand looking around as nothing happens I said sick her more nothing well I guess he's sleeping but when he wakes you are so going to get it.
Yuffie: looks at reader and shrugs. Looks back at author Oh come on. You should get out and do something you've been doing nothing but typing on your computer for the last week. author's eye twitches come out to the garage Vincent(FF7) and Steiner(FF9) are having a drinking contest. Winks I've got fifty bucks on Vincent.
Author: slams head repeatedly into table no I think I'll just stay here and give my self a concision.
Yuffie: Oh come on smiles sweetly tell you what why don't I make you spacial drink?
Author: oh no last time I had one of your "special" drinks I woke up six hours later and found incriminating photos on the internet involving me and Red XIII.
Yuffie: looks at author in surprise oh come on that only happened six times. author glares at her again Fine I know when I'm not wanted. turns and begins to leave. Stops and stares questioningly at the wall. Walks over pressing ear to wall. Strange why are there grunts and groans coming from the next room?
Author: shrugs It's probably Aeris(ff7) and Tifa(ff7).
Yuffie: Ok but why are they making those noises...erm on second thought I don't want to know.
Mean while next door. Yuffie: I SAID I DON"T WANT TO KNOW!
Aeris: GRRRR GASP GASP GASP you're not finishing me off first, this time I'm taking you down first. Bet you weren't expecting me to do this.
Tifa: OH! Not bad your getting better, but I still have some moves you've never even comprehended before. Try this.
Aeris: GASP NO NOT THERE. OH NO I'M SO CLOSE. PLEASE HOLD ON HOLD ON HOLD ON!
Tifa: Too late snicker
Aeris: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Tifa: checkmate
Aeris: slams fists into table messing up the chess board TWO OUT OF THREE COME ON I'LL GET YOU NEXT TIME.
Tifa: thinks for a second Oh right you're on but I get to be white this time.
Mean while next door in the living room Vegeta(DBZ) Cid(FF7) Cid(FF8) and Cid(FFX) are sitting around the Television playing Mechassault Online.
Cid(ff7): I am so kicking your guys's asses right now.
Vegeta: Grrrrr
Cid(ffx): oh really well try this on for size.
Vegeta: Grrrrrrr vein appears on forehead
Cid(ff8): Very good but I do believe this is your ass I am handing to you right now is it not?
Vegeta: Grrrrrrrrrrr more veins appear
Cid(ff7): censored I don't see that coming, but I'll tell you what pay back's a bitch snicker
Vegeta: GRRRRRRR I can't be losing! I'm the Prince of all Saiyans I never lose. spark appears around his head. Xbox suddenly explodes
Cid(ff7)(ff8)and (ffx): VEGETA.
Vegeta: Erm...oops
Cid(ff7): that's it! From now on you're not allowed near our video games.
Vegeta: Oh come on it's just one mistake.
Cid(ff8): I do believe this is the third Xbox this week. And its still Sunday. And its not even noon yet.
Cid(ffx): Ya I agree. Stay away from our stuff until you learn to control that temper of yours.
Vegeta: I DO NOT HAVE A TEMPER another energy bolt sparks around his head
Cait Sith(FF7): Walks into room Hay guys I have great news... explodes in a shower of sparks
Vegeta: Cids stair accusingly at him erm...Gohan did it.
Aeris:walks into room in a quick pace followed by Tifa Yep good game hahahah. Looks like you beat me...yep. I'll just be going now.
Tifa: grabs Aeris's arm oh no you don't pay up.
Aeris: groans oh all right pulls a picture out of her pocket and gives it to the other girl
Cid(ffx): what you got there?
Tifa: Oh just a picture of something Vegeta did on his last birthday party.
Vegeta: sweat drops appear as he looks around nervously I-I-I-I-I-I don't know what you're talking about... I didn't do anything I swear...I was drunk Ok and Piccolo told me it was a freeze pop...
Tifa: It's a picture of you singing a Britney Spears song. stairs at Vegeta who is sweating rapidly Why what did you think it was.
Vegeta: Well...I...um. Oh no I think Freeza is about to invade the planet. I have no time to waist I must stop him. runs out of the room as quickly as he can
Cid(ff8): I wonder what that was about.
Piccolo(DBZ): walks into room what's going on here?
Tifa: we're just looking at a picture of something Vegeta did at his last birthday party.
Piccolo: doing a 180 Erm...I think I'll go for a walk.. Tifa, Aeris, and the Cids look at each other confused,
Meanwhile back in the authors room
Yuffie: ok that was just pathetic.
Author: what are you still doing here?
Yuffie: hay you're the one that wanted to censored while the screen was on someone else.
Author: SHHHHHHHHH glances at reader cough well anyway you can go now you're starting to bug me again so get out. music comes out of nowhere (dundun dundun duna duna duna duna dundun dundun duna duna duna duna SEPHIROTH dunadundun SEPHIROTH) reaches for cell phone and presses a button Hello Sephiroth.
Sephiroth's voice: How did you know it was me?
Author:...
Sephiroth's voice: Anyway I'm over at your neighbor's kid's birthday party...
Author: what? Why are you at a kid's birthday party?
Sephiroth's voice: I'm the magician you moron.
Yuffie: leaning over to listen in on the conversation what you a magician? What kinds of tricks can you do?
Sephiroth's voice: well I can disappear and reappear, I can make giant rocks appear from the sky, I can dominate peoples wills to make them do what I want...
Cloud's voice: CLUCK CLUCK CLUCK
Sephiroth's voice: I told you damn it your not a chicken any more. Damn moron. Anyway my favorite trick is where I get to shove my assistant into a box and stick swords in her.
Yuffie: I hate to ask but you do know you're not supposed to use real swords don't you.
Sephiroth's voice: Of course I do. Do you think I'm some kind of idiot...mumbling not to self hire new assistant.
Author: Ahum just tell me why you're calling already.
Sephiroth's voice: oh right. Anyway I was dumping my assistant's corpse in your yard...I mean making my assistant disappear. When I noticed Bob escaped from his cage again. Just thought you should know.
Author: censored this is just what I need. Well thanks for letting me know, bye.
Sephiroth's voice: later...oh by the way if you're looking for a job I have an assistance job that just click
Yuffie: if you don't mind me asking just who or what is Bob?
Author: My pet hentai tentacle monster.
Yuffie: Oh ok... WHAT!
Author: Ya you see about a month ago I was walking home in the rain and this cute little baby hentai tentacle monster huddled under a pile of garbage. The thing was so cute I couldn't leave it so I brought it home and raised it as a pet. I just didn't realize how fast those bastereds grow and now the damn thing keeps breaking out of its cage to go "hunt".
Yuffie: blink rrrrrright, you should probably go looking for it the thing could be anywhere.
Author: no I'm sure I know where it is. You see there's a school near by that only allows eighteen year old, short skirt wearing, Japanese school girls to take classes there. It's a safe bet he went there.
Yuffie: blink you defiantly need to get out more you sick bastard.
Author: Well, anyway let me get my stuff and could you come with me. I could use your help watching my ass...I mean literally last time he escaped he got a little too frisky and image begins to blur as a flash back scene begins. Suddenly Yuffie jumps on the screen waving it back to the present.
Yuffie: NO NO NO we won't be having any of that thank you very much. Fine I'll come with you but you owe me one. Got your stuff yet?
Author: Lets see, camera, film, video recorder, tape, and leash. Yep got everything lets go. the two walk out the room and off camera
Yuffie's voice: So, what did happen? And I want details.
Author's voice: well like I said Bob was getting a little frisky and it just so happened to be Vegeta's birthday...
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thanks for putting up with my writing everyone let me know what you think and if you like it I will continue on with chapter 2. If you think it's crap I won't. Thanks again all.