Everything Wrong with It
A Monstrosity by TypoNumber5A/N – Small edits as of 2/20/07.
Chapter 2 - The Dream... It's WEIRD!
Perikan ran through the forest. Something was chasing her... something powerful... something... angry. She was afraid. Very afraid.
"Somebody, please, help me!" she cried, stumbling over a root.
Then she came upon a cliff. A conveniently placed cliff. She stared down at the sea below. She had no choice now. She had to fight. Whirling around, she readied herself to face her pursuer. It rumbled into view. Perikan gasped. What she was about to face...
Something so horrible...
It was--
"'NII-SAMAAAA! "
Perikan sat bolt upright in bed. She was sitting in the middle of the biggest waterbed she had ever seen in the biggest room she'd ever seen. The sheets were as white as, um... the white part of a Diet Dr. Pepper can. The golden light streamed in through the window that just so happened to be facing west. Even through the sun rises in the east. I can ignore the Laws of Physics because they suck. Anyway. The door to the room was open, and standing in it was a young boy with thick black hair.
"You're not 'Nii-sama," he stated, cocking his head.
Perikan smiled in her almighty, extremely sexy way. "No... no, I'm not. Who are you?"
"I'm Mokuba."
"Well, Mokuba, could you tell me where I am?"
"You're at the Kaiba Mansion."
Perikan's 20/20 vision eyes widened. "W-what...?"
Mokuba grinned at her. Grabbing her arm, he dragged her out of the bed. "C'mon! Help me find 'Nii-sama!"
Mokuba lead her through the mansion. It was huge! A normal person could get lost, but because of her Secret, Perikan was physically incapable of getting lost. Still, it was fun to let Mokuba show her around. At last they found Seto in the kitchen, making tea.
"Ah, you're up," he said, handing her a cup. He was wearing a flowery apron because the authoress likes to make fun of all the flowery apron clad macho guys at the local ice cream parlor. "You were very lucky. It's not every day you get hit by a speeding limo and walk away without a scratch."
Perikan smiled mysteriously. Of course she had gotten away unharmed... she had the Secret to help her.
Seto then invited her to have tea with him in the day room. Perikan accepted, and they had a grand time chatting about quantum physics and nanotechnology.
However, they were being watched.
"What did I tell you?" Anzu, the not nearly as hot as Perikan, hissed as she crouched in the bushes outside. "All the guys are gaga for her."
"Yes," Isis, the also not nearly as hot as Perikan, replied. "Malik won't stop ranting about how great she is." The Egyptian woman held up a cell phone. A faint "Perikan Shinju!" was heard from it.
Shizuka, the way uglier than Perikan because she's a threat to Perikan's romance with Seto even though he's only even noticed her ONCE, sweat dropped and held up her own cell phone. "Onii-chan called me as soon as he got home from school." "Peri-chan!" was heard from her cell phone.
"Something's wrong," Mai, the almost as hot as Perikan, commented as she glanced at Seto and Perikan through the window. "I can understand Jounouchi or Malik falling head over heels for her, but Kaiba?"
"Yeah," Shizuka agreed. "It's almost as though there's an outside force, like a… a demented teenager who likes to alphabetize their CDs and use incorrect third-person possessive pronouns controlling his actions or something."
"...You really need to cut back on the Twilight Zone, Shizuka-chan."
-
The next day Perikan did not sit in her usual seat. Well, the seat she had sat in the previous day. It can't be "usual" if you've only done it once. Today she sat next to Seto Kaiba.
Malik was crushed. Jounouchi was upset. Ryou was disappointed. Bakura was heartbroken. Yugi was dismayed. Yami Yugi was downcast. Yami Malik was morose. Anzu was relieved. She could have her seat back.
As the day went on, stuff happened. Very odd stuff. I have yet to come up with what kind of stuff, but yeah. There was stuff going on. No, I'm not a Hilary Duff fan.
Anyway, by lunch everyone was still upset about Perikan sitting somewhere else. Except Kaiba. He even had to ask her for answers on his math worksheet. Perikan is very good at math, you know.
So, at lunch, there was a bloody war over who could sit with Perikan. All the named male characters won just because. However, Ryou was mortally wounded.
"PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIN! " He cried has he fell to the dirty cafeteria floor. Bakura gasped and grasped his lighter half's hands.
"No, Ryou!" Salty tears ran down the tomb robber's cheeks. "Oh, Ryou! Don't go! I'm sorry I beat all those times... I-I love you!" He managed to choke out, ignoring the fact that he didn't have a body until this fanfic started and was therefore unable to abuse Ryou unless he wanted to hurt himself.
Perikan jumped over the table. If any normal girl had tried this, their skirt would have flown up revealing their Little Mermaid panties. However, Perikan is not a normal girl so not only does she wear Cool Underwear, but her very fashionable miniskirt magically stayed in place. Kneeling over Ryou, she asked, "Where does it hurt?"
Ryou groaned and pointed to his chest. Ryou fangirl readers moved to the edge of their seat as they realized this was a lame excuse for the writer to have Ryou without a shirt.
Perikan ripped open the button up shirt. Blood gushed over her perfect hands, and she thought to her self how lucky it was the she had put on blood-resistant nail polish that morning. "This looks like a straw inflicted wound!" she yelled. "I'll need a two by three piece of clean cloth and some disinfectant!"
More readers moved to the edge of their seats, spotting another lame accuse for a bishounen to take their shirt off.
Bakura dramatically ripped his shirt off and handed it to her. He also just so happened to have some disinfectant on him, and he handed that over too. Perikan bandaged Ryou, and the British boy who is actually Japanese stood up.
"Great Scott," he muttered, amazed. "I'm all better now!" And with that Bakura hugged him tightly. Suddenly, they both realized they were actually gay! So, they went skipping off into the sunset, even though it was noon. But since everyone loves Perikan Shinju (whether they're homosexual or not), the Bakuras then decided to take pictures of her and post them on the Internet... as a couple!
Anzu, who had been watching all this from the back of the cafeteria, turned to her friend. Who just so happened to be me, TypoNumber5. Because what's a Mary Sue fic with some bad and senseless self-insertion? "Why did Ryou and Bakura suddenly decide they loved each other?"
TypoNumber5, the beautiful, butt-kicking writer, shrugged. "Shounen-ai sells better than hetero."
Now, because I'm lazy, we're going to skip all the hopeless attempts at flirting with Perikan and go to the end of the day. Yami Yugi was quietly putting his History book in his backpack when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around to see none other than Perikan!
"Yami Yugi?" she said softly. "There's something a need to tell you. Come." She took his hand and dragged him into the girls' bathroom. Yami Yugi did not object due to the fact that Perikan's window-of-the-soul eyes distracted him. They were that cool.
Just she was pushing him to the restroom, Seto came around the corner. Completely misinterpreting the scene, he thought the Yami Yugi was pulling Perikan into the room. Growling, Seto marched off to plot revenge against the former pharaoh instead of going into the bathroom to see what was going on. After all, he WAS a guy.
Meanwhile, Perikan was showing Yami Yugi something he would never forget.
Stop thinking that, you pervs.