Everything Wrong with It
By TypoNumber5

A/N – Well, believe it or not, this is a pretty on-time chapter for me. And it's longer than usual, too… be happy! BE HAPPY, DARN YOU!

I think that Amentet, Perikan's yami, is going to represent what happens when Mary Sue writers try to make their character seem like a real person… and fail miserably. (This is a good time to address my philosophy on OCs – someone mentioned feeling theirs were slightly insulted. I think it can be done, I really do, but most of the time OCs get dubbed Mary Sues, not because they're perfect, but because they hog the spotlight and things work out for them too easily.)

If I made a mistake in my Spanish… it was on purpose to illustrate the lack off research on many writer's behalf. Nyeeesss, that's it… –shifty eyes-

Disclaimer: Yuugiou belongs to Kazuki Takahashi; Perikan and Amentet are fragments of my demented imagination. A very special thanks to Sacred Immortal; you'll see why…

Chapter 5, The Revenge… It's Vindictive!

The authoress will now take a moment to review some plot holes and things that don't make any sense in this fic that have not be bluntly pointed out thus far:

A) Yami Malik did not exist when Malik was seven, when they met Perikan.

B) Given the fact that this takes place after Yami Yugi got all his memories back, none of the yamis should exist at ALL.

3) Having a tape player in the sink is a safety hazard.

D) Other various things the authoress has lost track of.

And now, the story.

Perikan linked arms with her long-lost friends, Malik on her right and Yami Malik on her left, and joyfully skipped out of the cafeteria with them. They frolicked all the way out of Domino High and onto the streets. There, Perikan paused and asked:

"Do you want to come to my house with me? I'm living with my cousin right now, and I'm sure he won't mind."

Malik and his yami exchanged grins and quickly agreed.

Suddenly, a cheesy techno song began playing in the background. The trio began bobbing their heads and doing snazzy dance steps in perfect unison as they paraded down the street, side by side. Students leaving school stopped and stared, though whether it was because the scene was seriously groovy yo or because it was just weird and totally out of character is undecided.

As the electronic, über spiffy sound waves washed over Yami Malik, he felt the uncontrollable urge to sing along to it. In Spanish.

"Da da da bee dum dee da
Me gusta mi pez, da da dee
Le gusta nadar, ba ba bee

Da da da bee dum dee da
Me gusta mi pájaro, da da dee
Le gusta cantar, ba ba bee

Da da da bee dum dee da

Pero tambieeeeeeeeeen…

Da da da bee dum dee da
Da da da bee dum dee da
Da da da bee dum dee da

Me encanta yo!

Da da da bee dum dee da
Da da da bee dum dee da
Da da da bee dum dee da"

He finished his song off by detaching himself from Perikan, throwing himself on the concrete sidewalk, and break dancing. Malik stared down at him in shock, and Perikan clapped cheerfully. Pedestrians who were watching began to walk away very quickly. Once the blonde was done getting down with his bad self, he stood up, brushed his shoulders off, and the group continued on their way.

A few blocks later, Perikan took a sharp turn down a MENACING and DARK Alleyway that Gave One an Impression of Apocalyptic DOOM.

"Pe-chan," Malik exclaimed. "What are you doing?"

"Taking a short cut," she answered, stopping a quarter of a way through and staring blanking back at him.

"But… but…" Malik protested, "It's a MENACING and DARK alleyway."

"It gives one an impression of apocalyptic DOOM," Yami Malik agreed, nodding vigorously.

Perikan rolled her eyes and put her hands on her hips. "Now see here," she said. "This is Japan. We have a very low crime rate! It's not like in America were there are muggers around every corn—"

A ninja leaped from the top of a building, grabbed her, and flew off with use of his Mad Shinobi Skillz.

There was an uncomfortable silence as both Maliks stood there, gapping at the spot where their childhood friend had stood just some few moments before. The wind blew a newspaper past them, and a full six seconds passed before the two managed to comprehend what had just happened.

"A ninja!" Yami Malik bellowed, stomping his foot down furiously upon the newspaper. "What the HELL is a NINJA doing in Domino?"

Good question.

Yami Yugi was walking home with his air of bishonenness that attracted fangirls. Not his constantly grunting and snarling English way, but with his demeanor of I'm-too-sexy-for-my-cards-but-I'll-duel-you-anyway he seemed to lose at various points during parts of the original, unedited anime that differed from the manga. How is this relative the to the horror and humiliation he was about to go through? I have no idea.

Yugi was not with him for unspecified reasons of confidentiality.

Abruptly, an arrow whizzed by his left ear and wedged itself in the telephone pole he had just passed. Yami Yugi froze, shaken by the death he had just so narrowly avoided. Slowly, he turned to examine the weapon aimed at his life. It was a very nifty arrow, for it was lime green with pink poke-a-dots, and the feather at the end was baby blue and extra fuzzy. Coiled around the niftiness was a yellowing and beat-up looking piece of paper, which the pharaoh removed. Flowery and overly embossed writing covered it, relaying a heart-stopping message:

My dear victim of my employer's vengeful plot of vengefulness,

I, the great Kaze-sama, have captured the object of your affections, Perikan Shinju, with my Mad Shinobi Skillz. If you wish to rescue this fine specimen of lass, please meet me no later than midnight at the train station. If you do not, I will tie poor Perikan to the tracks in a very clichéd western fashion.

Wishing my best regards,

Kaze Noneko

Yami Yugi gasped, his main character induced urge to save random kidnapped people setting in. Whipping off his jacket, he magically transformed it into a billowing cape, which he draped gallantly over his shoulders. That nonexistent wind picked up again, blowing the cloth backwards. The King of Games smirked as he marched down the sidewalk purposefully: Time to make up another bizarre and slightly biased game to utterly defeat some in.

Kaiba knocked, annoyed, on the gray apartment door for the third time. An equally irritated voice yelled, "Hold your damn horses!" from the other side. Kaiba sneered at the crashing noises that followed this heartfelt statement. The door was jerked open a few moments later to reveal a snarling Bakura.

The CEO raised an eyebrow at the white haired man before him. The tomb robber's head bore a two foot-high, puffy white chief's hat, and his lanky body was clad in a frilly, pink checkered apron carrying the words "KISS ME AND I'LL COOK" in bright red and surrounded by miniscule hearts. The hand resting nonchalantly on the thief's hip was covered in a moose oven mitt.

"Dare I ask…?" Kaiba queried.

"No," Bakura replied, spitting flames with his words. "What do you want, Priest?"

Kaiba repressed a smirk. "There was an incident." The other rolled his eyes.

"Oh wow, an incident. Thank you so much for your informative message, I think I'll just go dancing around town, spreading word of this wondrous, marvelous incident." He started to close the door, but Kaiba already had is foot in the way.

"It involves Perikan and Yami Yugi," he stated grimly. The rage in Bakura's face disappeared momentarily as his blinked in surprise. Kaiba hurriedly explained the situation, and by the end of the horrid tale, Bakura was fuming.

"That bastard," he seethed through gritted teeth; the antlers on his moose mitt jiggled as he clenched his hand into a fist. "Alright," he said, yanking the apron off. "I'll help. RYOU!" he shouted over his shoulder as he relieved himself of the oven mitt and hat. "You'll have to finish the muffins without me; I have to help the Priest torture the pharaoh!"

"Okay," Ryou's high voice answered from the kitchen. "But don't go burning down anymore fire stations!"

"I just don't get it," Malik muttered. "Why?" Yami Malik shrugged, sipping the frappichino he had bought at the Starbucks they were standing in front of as his hikari ogled at the one across the street.

"Hey, isn't that Bakura?" Yami Malik pointed at the bakery neighboring Across-the-Street-Starbucks. Sure enough, it was. The tomb robber's face and upper body was hidden behind a stack of pies, but no one else in Japan had a billowing black trench coat like that.

They watched as the tomb robber dumped his load into a back of a U-Haul. Dusting his hands off, he glanced up and noticed the duo across the way. He waved merrily at them (which was a very strange site indeed), and gestured for them to come and join him. Looking both ways like good little grave keepers should, they hurriedly crossed the street and joined him.

"So glad you could come," said Bakura, smirking. "I have just finished Stage One of Revenge Plan Destroy Pharaoh." Yami Malik raised an eyebrow.

"By gathering an inane amount of pies?" Bakura's smirk broadened.

"Unconventional vengeance is always the best," he replied. "Here, let me explain…"

Yami Yugi stood with arms crossed, glaring at the train schedule. It wasn't that he had anything against the laminated paper; he just needed something to glare at in the absence of his newly found arch nemesis. And he didn't like that font.

Bong, bong, bong…

The duelist glanced up at the clock tower. It was very old-fashion in style; a twenty-foot diameter face ornamented with steel, hard-to-read roman numerals.

…bong, bong, bong…

It looked suspiciously like the one in Disney's version of Peter Pan, the pharaoh mused.

…bong, bong, bong…

Twelve o'clock was approaching. Midnight. The time of confrontation.

…bong, bong, bong, bong, bong…

On the fourteenth chime, completely ignoring the 12-chime maximum of orthodox clocks, a dark figure, illuminated by the glow of the clock's face behind it, appeared on a ledge of the gothic building. It loomed over the deserted station, forcing its aura of menace upon every small particle below its lofty position. The second hand's muted ticks cracked through the silence, which seemed to bleed at the dramatics of it all.

The hand knocked the figure of the tower, making the silence feel much better.

Unperturbed, Yami Yugi jogged over to the fallen ninja. He lay sprawled across the sidewalk, limbs jutting out at odd angles. A crimson liquid oozed out from beneath him.

"Erm… Kaze-san?" the pharaoh asked, unsure of how to address this man. I mean, Kaze didn't really sound like a name, so it OBVIOUSLY needed some sort of suffix to imply to the world that it WAS a name… but then what suffix? -Sama and –chan were out of the question; -kun seemed way too informal for a man who intended to kill him, so that left him with –san. It was a bit more polite that he wanted, but the guy had just fallen about six stories, so…

"Nurrraaaggghh…" the ninja moaned. Yami Yugi kneeled over him.

"Try not to move," he chided. "I'll go find a phone…" he stood back up, "or something…"

"My…" Kaze gasped, fighting back tears of pain, "my Kool-Aid…"

The leather-clad teen/5,00-year-old-spirit-with-the-body-of-a-fifteen-year-old raised his eyebrows. "Oh, is that what all that red stuff is? Tell me, what flavor?"

"Ch…cherry…"

"Personally, my favorite is grape. Yugi doesn't like it though; he prefers lemonade."

"…nrgh…"

"No offence, though, cherry is a good flavor, too. It's especially useful to me since it gives a nasty rash to this guy I'm always fighting with named B—"

The tomb robber leaped out of the fenced off bushes in something akin to embarrassed rage. "YOU IDIOT!" he bellowed, his cheeks slightly pinker than usual. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Sharing my opinion on Kool-Aid," Yami Yugi answered coolly.

"You—" Bakura shook his head. "Never mind." He turned back to the lone foliage. "Men, attack!"

Both Malik and Yami Malik sprang from the shrubs, armed to the teeth (for they had been eating their ammo) with pies. They grinned maliciously at the pharaoh for a moment, then let all hell break loose.

Yami Yugi never knew what hit him.

"Teehee!" Perikan giggled, twirling on her toe and cuddling an oversized stuffed bunny. Kaiba smiled down at her; the date had been a success. She had been a bit irritated about the whole ninja thing, but she accepted the fact that he had a very strong sense of style and all first dates simply must start with a ninja kidnapping. (Yeah, right.) Besides, the bunny made up for everything.

The couple was now wandering the streets of Domino, engaged in pleasant conversation and holding hands when Perikan wasn't hugging her bunny. It was nearing a quarter past midnight, but thankfully, because she lived with her over-worked cousin, the beauty didn't have a curfew.

They rounded a corner and came to The Street. The Street of Vengeance. The street the whole date, unbeknownst to Perikan, had been centered around.

"So, I heard your OTHER Sennen Ring has the soul of Mou Hitori no Yugi's wife," the brunette remarked casually. Perikan nodded. Chuckling to himself, he continued, "I would love to meet the woman who could put up with that drama-king."

There was a flash of that darn blinding light, and next thing the CEO knew there was a carbon-copy of Perikan shaking her finger at him. Except completely different. And with funny clothes.

"You're just jealous of koibito's dueling abilities, you toaster strudel," she scolded.

Koibito. This girl had just called his greatest rival "sweetheart." And him a breakfast food.

"Look," the livid pharaohess (which isn't a real word but I'll use it just to spite you all, nya nya nya) went on, "You should just fall off your high horse, pull your head out of our ass, and get over it! Koibito is a gajillion times better than you, sea biscuit, so just get live with it!"

Kaiba turned to his girlfriend. "Your yami is really bad at insults, Peri-chan."

"AM NOT!" the woman shrieked. He stared coolly down at her. Perikan bit her lip. "Losers," her yami, whose name I just remembered was Amentet, muttered and stomped off down the street… and toward the train station…

Pause.

"WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

A white figure had stumbled into view. Amentet clutched her stomach with one arm and pointed with the other. Her whole body shook with uncontrolled mirth. The figure squeaked and ran from her… and toward the teens. Kaiba smirked at it. Because that figure was a certain rival of his… a certain rival, married to a certain laughing spirit, who had been bombarded by some certain cream pies by a certain trio of some certain anti-pharaoh psychos.

As the dessert-covered duelist passed, one could see that the few patches of his face that weren't covered by cream and broken crust were as red as Rudolph's nose and glowing with the same intensity. Kaiba momentarily considered tripping the poor guy, but Perikan was with him, so he settled for broadening his smirk. They watched him bolt around the corner, then Perikan looked up at her boyfriend in confusion.

"Was that…?"

"I think so." He was trying very, very, VERY hard not to join Amentet in hysterical giggling.

Perikan's eyes widened and grew considerably shinier. A light wind picked up and blew her glossy, flowing hair from her face ever so gracefully. "Seto-kun…" she whispered.

Now, because I simply do not do romantic fluff, I shall rip of Sacred Immortal's fic and switch to mary sue fic gibberish:

He cups his hand around her smooth cheek, and she is staring into his ice blue eyes, and he said, "Yes, peri-chan?" he murmurs.

"I will love you even if you are in his shoes," she will say, and he is leaning toward her, and then he planted his lips on hers like a petunia seed, and then they will pull away. And he is saying, "So would I."

And the kiss is like a million and forty-two fireworks in Perikan's tummy, and she won't know what to do, because this was her first kiss, but then she knows. And they kiss. And Kaiba is a good kisser because he is Kaiba, and she will be a good kisser because she is Perikan, and they kissed and it is like a bunch of pretty colors on a big sheet of paper, only better, and I am having no idea what I am talking about because I have never kissed, but I have read stories written by other people who have never kissed, and it is a magic moment. And sometimes it is called tongue tennis because there is a thing called French kissing, but Kaiba and Perikan aren't French kissing because it is icky and they are not icky people. But their kiss was very romantic and nice, and then they are going to Perikan's home, and she is telling Kaiba all about her cousin, and he is seeming to be cool, and even Kaiba thought he will be cool, and you have to read the next chapter to see how cool he will really be because I do not have a computer chair, and I am using a stool, and my back is hurting.