Title: Idiot's Guide to Stalking a Duck
Author: TessNLivvie
Rating: R
Type: Comedy-Horror
Summary: Ever wanted to stalk a Duck? These two girls can tell you all about it, only beware not to cross them, it could be dangerous…(Parody on Mary Sues)
Disclaimer: Mighty Ducks, its characters, and plots belongs to Disney. We do not own or claim to own any part of them. Please do not sue us.
WARNING: THIS IS MEANT FOR HUMOR'S SAKE ONLY! We say that in capital letters! DO NOT TAKE SERIOUSLY AT ALL! Flamers will be laughed at, then ignored.
Authors' Note: No Ducks were harmed in the writing of this fic.
Chapter One: Meetings
"We officially call this meeting of Duck Stalkers to order," a tiny girl said formerly to the group of teenaged girls sitting in front of her. The group was seated in rows in a little meeting room. They all wore nametags, since some of the girls were new. They'd gotten caught stalking some of the Ducks, and were invited to join the Duck Stalkers. The room was oddly silent as all the girls paid close attention to the two girls in the front.
"For new members, Duck Stalkers is for girls who stalk the Mighty Ducks. Our ultimate goal, which is in Phase Seven of our plan, is getting the male Ducks for ourselves. I am Tess Marley-Ramsey, and this is my sister, Livvie. We're co-presidents of the Duck Stalkers, since we've been stalking the Ducks for five years, since their District Five days," the other girl introduced herself. The sisters were absolutely identical in every way. They were both short, at 5'3"; they both had long, straight, red hair, and strange "mood" eyes. Their eyes literally changed colors, depending on what mood they were in. Currently, the girls seemed in a good mood, so their eyes were light blue.
Livvie held up a blue and purple notebook with a pen in her left hand. "For newcomers, which Ducks do you want to stalk?" The notebook held the names of all the male Ducks and the Duck Stalkers who were stalking them. It was for the sake of organization, so Tess and Livvie could keep track of the girls in their group, seeing as membership was for life.
A girl with curly blonde hair raised her hand and said, "I'd like to have Adam." Her nametag read "Moonbeam."
"I'm already stalking Adam!" another blonde in the back of room, whose nametag proclaimed her as "Mayflower," yelled, standing up and glaring. "You can't have him, Moonbeam!" She walked to the front of the room, and the two eyed each other. Just as they were about to throw punches, Livvie interrupted them.
"Now, girls, you can both stalk Adam, she said placatingly.
Mayflower pouted. "But you and Tess don't share Fulton and Guy. That's not fair!"
Tess' eyes darkened to a dark red, a sheer sign of danger. "That's different!" she seethed.
"We started this club," Livvie added. "We've stalked the Ducks the longest, we get to make the rules, and you do not get to question them!" Her currently red eyes narrowed dangerously. "Just be glad I let you stalk the other two Bash Brothers, Portman and Ken."
Mayflower swallowed hard and walked backwards to her seat. She stopped arguing over sharing Adam.
"So I can't have Fulton OR Guy?" another new girl, Rainbow, asked. "They were my first two choices," she whined.
"Tough," Livvie said. "Pick another choice, any other choice. You just can't have those two. That's one of our rules."
"Can I have Luis?" a pretty girl named Mystique requested.
Two other girls, Juliette and Rosalia, sighed. "We can share," Rosalia said in defeat, knowing better than to argue with Tess and Livvie standing right there.
Rainbow pondered her options for a minute. "I'll take Dwayne," she decided finally. A little sigh was heard from Dwayne's other stalker, Dolly, but she didn't say anything against it.
"Great," Tess said, ignoring Dolly, as Livvie wrote the three names down. "Now, new members, we're currently in Phase Five of our plan, which is to ultimately culminate in taking the Ducks for our very own. A brief run-down of the phases.
"Phase One was back during the Pee-Wee hockey days, and it was just Livvie and me. We call it the Preparatory Phase. Phase Two took place during the year between the championship game with the Hawks and the Goodwill Games. That was the year Livvie and I learned about cameras and began taking pictures. Phase Three was the Junior Goodwill Games, and we learned how to really stalk without getting caught. We started putting cameras in the locker room during that phase. Phase Four was the year between the Goodwill Games and Eden Hall. We learned about researching techniques, and we got ourselves into this school. That brings us to Phase Five, gathering members here at Eden Hall and making the rules. Phase Six will be preparing facilities, gathering of supplies, and making final preparations. Phase Seven is the Final Phase, where we will carry out the actual kidnappings."
Livvie unveiled the charts that revealed the locker numbers and combinations, dorm room numbers, class schedules, home phone numbers, home addresses, secondary phone numbers and phone numbers, social security numbers, blood type, blood pressure, allergies, height, weight, heart rate, and lengths for all the male Ducks. She also explained that the small file cabinets in the corner contained their full medical history, dental records, school records, and mini-biographies of all their lives. She recommended the new Duck Stalkers study their respective Ducks, to be tested on at the next meeting.
"We also have a website," Livvie said. "It's called the Unofficial Mighty Ducks Fansite, and we post everything we have there. Part of our website is even dedicated to the three girls, Tammy, Julie, and Connie. There you can post ideas on how to kill them. Tess here is very creative and has come up with many many ingenious ways of killing Connie. You should take a look. Someday you may get a pop-quiz. There's also a page with our club rules. Break the rules and we go to Code Black-and-Blue, which is what you'll be if you break the rules."
Tess then explained to the new members the codes of the club. She strongly emphasized knowing them, adding they'd get a surprise pop quiz on them.
"We meet twice a week," she added. "Tuesdays and Fridays. We exchange information, new techniques, and show recently developed pictures. By the way, we have our own blackroom, so do not take your film to a store for development."
"Speaking of which!" a curly-haired brunette named Skye exclaimed, bouncing in her seat. "Averman put up new pictures in his locker the other day, and I developed my role of film." She passed around pictures of the new MADD magazine pictures Averman had in his locker, including a Spy vs. Spy comic. She also had pictures of Averman at hockey practice and in his dorm with his roommate, Goldberg.
"Oh, Goldberg got a new locker yesterday," a shorthaired redhead named Rain told Livvie as the pictures of Averman were going around. "His old one kept getting jammed. His new one is number 736, combination 25-16-9."
Livvie took note of this change on the charts, thanking Rain for the updated information. When everyone else had finished sharing their information and pictures, Tess adjourned the Duck Stalkers meeting until the following Tuesday.
TBC (dun, dun dun!)