Author's Note: Don't worry "Fox and Shark" readers, this is just my 'silly crack' fic. It isn't going to overtake my 43,000+ (and counting) monster. "A Twisted Rhapsody" is just more lighthearted, and a little less draining to write. My "Fox and Shark" warm up, if you will. And this probably won't get beyond four or five chapters, anyway. And by the way, for those of you who like "Fox and Shark," go to www . finalknight . net / naruto / (remember to shove the spaces together) and vote for it in the Alternate Reality category. Please. Because I'm an award monger, and like to win things.

"How about this one?"

Ino smirked slightly at her boyfriend. "Are you trying to tell me something?"

Kidoumaru raised an eyebrow. "What? Something wrong with it?"

"No, it's just. . . Kidoumaru, I think you're sweet, but we've only been dating four months. I think it's a little soon to elope."

The dark-skinned shinobi paled. Ino couldn't help but laugh.

"Generally, Kidoumaru, one generally does not put a spider flower in a get-well bouquet."

". . . see any 'just like you as a friend, have no romantic feelings for you whatsoever' flowers around?"

"These are for that female teammate of yours, right? Tayuya?"

"Well, yeah. She kind of needs some cheering up, seeing as she's stuck in a bed for the next week and the television's busted."

"I'd recommend a cactus."

"A cactus."

"They represent endurance, but you could always get some chrysanthemums instead. Those would probably work better."

"Actually, considering its Tayuya, I think a cactus is pretty damn appropriate."

Sometime later in Sound Village. . .

Tayuya stared at the plant on her bedside table. The plant stared back.

"Why the hell is there a cactus in my room?"

Sakon shrugged. "Kidoumaru brought it in earlier, remember? It's the get-well present he came up with for you."

"What kind of dumb ass gives a cactus as a get-well gift?"

"One who knows you really well."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You don't have to water a cactus. I doubt this'll die like the gardenias Jiroubou gave you two days ago."

"Whatever. Just move already."

"Checkmate."

"Fuck!"

-

Ino sometimes wondered how she found herself in such ridiculous circumstances. Not that she minded this particular situation. Playing checkers in a gigantic web some seventy feet above ground was oddly fun, if you didn't take into account that every time the wind shifted, she couldn't help but feel like she was about to fall to her death.

"King me."

Ino glanced up, startled from her thoughts. "What?"

"King me."

She did so. "Remind me why we're playing up here, again?"

"You wanted to go somewhere where no one would find us."

"That's because I wanted to talk." She glanced around. "This is your bloodline limit?"

"A part of it."

"What else can you do?" She jumped two of Kidoumaru's pieces unfortunately placed too close to each other.

Kidoumaru studied the board. "I thought we agreed not to talk about our lives as shinobi."

"The only reason I agreed to that is because I thought this was only a fling."

The six-armed ninja raised an eyebrow. "A fling? What, were the flowers not close enough to the color of your eyes or something?"

The fact that the flowers had been the exact shade of blue as her eyes was actually what had decided Ino on pursuing the relationship, but she wasn't about to tell him that. "You have a good eye for color, Kidoumaru. The problem wasn't you, it was me. My luck previous to you hadn't been that great with guys, so I didn't exactly get my hopes up. But our six-month anniversary is coming soon, and sad to say, that's the longest period of time I've ever been involved with anyone. I'd like to know more about you."

"Ino, it's not like I've tried to hide anything from you." He jumped one of her pieces.

"I'm not accusing you of anything. It's just. . . I know that you're an orphan, and that you were born in a village bordering between the Sand and Leaf. I know all the names of your comrades, what they like to eat and what their favorite colors are, and so many other small details about them that I feel that I've met them personally, like never to offer Jiroubou food unless you're already eaten your fill, and that Kimimaro almost died from a blood disease several years ago. But Kidoumaru. . . you've never even told me what village you're from."

"That's because I didn't think you'd like to know."

"Why not?" She shifted one of her remaining pieces to a corner.

He met her eyes. His own were hard. "One month ago, you told me you're from the Yamanaka clan, that you're comrades are from Nara and Akimichi. All shinobi villages have registers, Ino. Those are all Leaf clans. And my village is the sworn enemy of Konoha." One after another, her pieces were jumped, leaving only the one in the corner as her last bastion of defense.

Oh God. "You're from the Sound."

The dark-skinned shinobi stood, and turned away. "This is unfair to you. I'm at too much of an advantage up here. We should talk about this later."

"Shit that! We're talking about this here and now!"

Kidoumaru appeared confused. "Ino, we're dozens of feet about the ground in a net of chakra I could kill you with in seconds. This isn't the place to. . ."

"The fact that you're telling me this indicates you are not in fact going to use your so-called advantage. Now sit back down. We're going to discuss this. I'm sick of guys trying to dodge all the important issues." Ino thought for a moment. "Oh, and one more thing." She jumped three of his pieces, landing neatly on his side of the board. "King me."

Kidoumaru stared at the board. He stared at her. Both looks were incredulous. But he sat back down.

"So?"

"You really want to talk about this."

"Yes. Now start participating. Why would you join Orochimaru? I've heard stories. He kills his own men to further his ambitions. He sacrificed two Sound genin to kill the Third."

"Every village sacrifices its soldiers for the benefit of the village. And I owe Orochimaru-sama far more than my life. If it was his will, I would gladly die."

Kidoumaru had never struck Ino as a fanatic. He didn't seem to have the intensity to take something that seriously. The guy never took offense at anything, due to his overall good nature rather than a lack of interest like Shikamaru. But she could hear the fervor in his voice. He meant what he was saying. A chill ran down the back of her spine.

"What did he do for you that earned him your loyalty?"

"You know where I spent my childhood. In that farming village in the middle of nowhere, bordering between a desert and a forest. My mother never married my father, Ino. My mother died in childbirth. When I was a child, everyone. . ." One fist tightened. "Everyone told me I was the result of rape, that my father was a demon who took advantage of my mother. The only reason I wasn't drowned at birth was because my mother's last request was that her family would take me in. I grew up thinking that I was the one that killed my mother, that my father's bloodline destined me for the lowest circles of hell. And then Orochimaru-sama came. He told me the truth. My father was a shinobi from the far south, the last of his clan, who met my mother when she left home to escape her family. She went back to that godforsaken village after he died on a mission and she discovered she was pregnant. My mother's family knew. And they lied to me. For eight years. If it wasn't for Orochimaru-sama, I'd still be back there. The way I was back then, I wouldn't be surprised if I hadn't killed myself by the time I hit puberty." Kidoumaru's voice cracked. "Do you understand now, Ino? I owe Orochimaru-sama everything. It doesn't matter if I agree with his orders or not, if it weren't for him, I'd be dead, or something even worse." The dark-skinned shinobi swallowed convulsingly. His breathing was ragged. When he closed his eyes, it almost seemed like he was trying to hold back tears.

Ino stayed silent, the wheels in her head churning. Kidoumaru's life history explained a lot. It probably paralleled the lives of all the childhoods of the Sound-nin. No family. No home to return to. In the end, no divided loyalties. Orochimaru's motives almost certainly had been anything but altruistic, but even if she told him, Kidoumaru wouldn't care. So she went with her initial instinct.

Kidoumaru stiffened when he felt her presence near, but she wrapped her arms around him anyway. She had situated herself so her mouth was conveniently close to his ear. Best play this carefully. Having her boyfriend regret sharing his secrets with her could be an even bigger wedge in the relationship than the whole Leaf-Sound thing. She whispered quietly, "I guess that means you'll be taking the Yamanaka name if we get married, than."

Kidoumaru still had the endearing habit of gaping slightly when surprised. Or perhaps he did it on purpose. Either way, her boyfriend didn't seem to mind much when their kissing went beyond the absolutely chaste. Anyone who thought the French Kiss was disgusting obviously had never done it properly.

In their haste to get each others' clothes off, the checkers board was knocked over and the pieces went flying into the undergrowth. Both Ino and Kidoumaru were beyond caring. Neither of them were much into checkers, anyway.

-

"Hey, Ino, what do you want to do for dinner tonight?"

The kunoichi glanced up from her salad. "Dinner?"

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. "Your birthday dinner. Do you want to go to the all-you-can-eat place like usual, or do something different this year?"

"Oh geez, sorry, but I have plans tonight. How about we get together tomorrow?" She grinned cheekily. "You can give me my presents then." The blonde shinobi stood. "I have to go. Be seeing you guys."

Shikamaru and Chouji watched her exit the restaurant. Shikamaru shook his head in despair. "Women. We go out for dinner every year on her birthday for the past ten years, and she barely gives us a few hours warning before she changes everything around."

"Maybe she's eating her birthday dinner with her family this time."

"She does breakfast with her family. Ino's probably off with that boyfriend of hers that no one ever sees."

Chouji choked on his stir-fry. "Since when does Ino have a boyfriend?"

"Since about six or seven months ago. When she started acting weird and sneaking off at odd hours."

"I thought she didn't like to be tied down."

"Eh. People change."

"So who's the boyfriend?"

"No idea. Never bothered to find out."

Chouji rolled his eyes. "Too troublesome for you?"

"Got it in one."

-

"Oy, shithead, where you going?"

"I've got something to do."

Tayuya rolled her eyes. "You're always doing something these days. Come train with us, for once."

"I told you, I have plans."

Sakon snorted. "Well, all these plans of yours aren't helping you get any stronger. If it weren't for your increased chakra manipulation, Orochimaru-sama would have said something by now."

"Fine, fine. I'll train with you guys tomorrow, but I can't tonight. I'm already late." They watched him go. A moment of silence followed his absence. Then,

"What the hell was in that backpack?"

Jiroubou glanced momentarily up from his lunch. "Probably a gift for his girlfriend." Sakon and Tayuya stared at the large shinobi.

"Girlfriend?"

"When did the six-armed freak get a girlfriend?"

"I don't know. A couple of months ago, I think, when he started disappearing with no explanation."

"Why the fuck didn't you say anything before?"

"You didn't ask."