Changes


Spoilers for "Dear Abby"



Chapter 2



I am definitely in need of a change.

Everything else in my life is changing. No boyfriend. A job I hate.

When I saw Luka coming through the ER doors, and I didn't see Carter, I just knew that he wasn't coming back. I kind of hoped that there was some other reason, but when I read the letter, I knew the truth.

He broke up with me and is staying in Africa. I don't blame him, it wasn't like our relationship was going anywhere… we were at a dead end. I was just glad that one of us had the guts to realize it.

I just hope he finally found what he has been looking for in Africa that he couldn't get in Chicago or with me.

**
I slammed the locker shut. "Having a bad day, are we?" Susan asked, as she walked up to me. I nodded.

"I'm sorry how I acted… but you have to remember that you are the nurse, and I am the doctor. You shouldn't have talked to my patient about her condition" Susan said sternly.

Just a nurse that is all I will ever be.

I nodded. "I know, but I just felt like she needed to know," I tried to explain. Susan quickly changed the subject.

 "So what about the letter were you talking to me about before?" Susan asked. Oh the letter... the one that the whole hospital has read. The whole hospital knows my personal life. Nothing can be a secret in this hospital.

"Carter sent me a "Dear John" letter," I said quietly, not really wanting to talk about it. It was over, there was nothing that I could do about it or change about it.

"I am sorry, are you okay?" Susan asked.

"Yeah, it was for the best. I'm just glad that Carter realized that we shouldn't be together. It wasn't right from the start… we should have never gotten together..."

Susan looked at me like she didn't believe me. She was like Carter in a way, always knowing how I was feeling, even if I didn't say it. What was I supposed to tell her, that I couldn't believe that Carter and I broke up? That I knew we were having problems, but I thought we could sort them out when he returned from Africa?

"And get this: he is staying in Africa, and he doesn't know when he is coming back to Chicago."

"Really?" Susan said, surprised. "Why don't we do something tonight?"

"No, I think I am just going to go home," I said, as I grabbed my jacket and left the lounge.

**
I walked into the apartment and took off my jacket.

I kept on thinking about my conversation with Luka.

"I think he found himself,"

 
"I didn't know he was missing."


How couldn't I see that Carter was lost? Luka saw it, and they aren't the greatest of friends. But maybe Luka could see something that I didn't.

Maybe I never really knew Carter, I just had a vision of him... the safe one, the one that is kind and gentle, but I never saw that real John Carter, the one that was lost, and who had to go to Africa to find himself.

Our relationship was doomed from the start. We started off okay, but it would have never really worked out.

Would we have gotten together if we didn't have to be locked together for 2 weeks? Or would we have just stayed friends?

Or whatever you called our relationship before then.

The telephone rang, interrupting my thoughts. I picked up the phone and realized that it was my mother.

What did she want now? Does my family need me to get them out of a mess again? How many times do I have to do this?

"Hi mom," I said.

"Hi Abby, how are you?"

"I'm fine," I said. It's not like I was going to tell her anything about my day.

"So how is Eric?" I asked, as I know that is the reason she is phoning me.

"He is doing well, that is why I wanted to call you… I wanted to tell you how he is doing. He is finally coming to terms with his disease. I sighed.

"Abby, I know from experience, it takes a long time to deal with it," she said. 

"I lived through it too," I replied.

"Abby, Eric and I are going to be fine. We don't need you to worry about us."

Does she know that I will always worry about them, wondering when is the next time I am going to get a call that I need to come to their rescue and clean up a mess they made?

"You can't put your life on hold for us anymore, "she said


"You need to let go of us, Abby, and move on. You don't need to help us all the time anymore. You have to change. For you. And John. He's a wonderful man and he's done so much for you. You two work so great together, has he asked you to marry him again,"


"We broke up," I blurt out.

"I'm sorry, what happened?" Maggie said, surprised and curious.

"We just weren't right for each other," I said, as that is the only way I can explain the break- up to myself that makes sense to me.

I was still shocked at the break – up. It wasn't your typical break- up. You don't normally break up with someone in a letter, but John and I were never your typical couple.

We got together in a trauma room. That isn't your typical first date.

"Abby, are you still there?" Maggie asked.

"Yes. I have an early shift tomorrow and I need to go to bed. Tell Eric that I said hi, and I will call him later," I said, as I hung up the phone.

A change……

That is the word that I have been hearing all day. My mom thinks I need to change. Luka and Carter have gone through changes with their experience in Africa.

A few months ago, I would think that people can't change, that they are who they are and there is nothing that they can do about it, but I realize that I do need a change.

But what? I don't want to be just a nurse anymore. Being a nurse used to be enough for me, but not anymore.

I wonder, would I be Doctor Lockhart right now if Richard had paid my med school bills? Do I want to go back to school? Is that the kind of change I am looking for, something so dramatic?


I have the worst day of my life, getting a break- up letter from Carter, having a horrible day at work, but for the first time in a long time, I didn't go back to the one thing that I use to make me forgot everything… alcohol.

Maybe I'm already changing.