Changes

Spoilers: Shift Happens


Author's Note: I would like to thank everybody that has reviewed, and I would like to thank Sara for editing this for me. On with the chapter.

Chapter 3


My whole life has been on hold.  I don't know if it's because of my family that I feel like if I ever got a life, that something bad is going to happen, and then they'll need me to help them.

I haven't ever really had a relationship that stuck. Not with Richard, Luka or Carter. I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I can't really let myself be happy. But not anymore…

My life isn't going to be on hold anymore. I am going to finally take charge of my life. I guess I can thank Carter for that. If he didn't break up with me by a letter, I wouldn't have realized that I need to make a change in my life.

Everyone in my life has been telling me this forever, but it took Carter leaving me for it to really sink in. He is off changing in his life, and maybe it is about time for me to do the same.

**


"You glad to be home?" I asked Luka. But I knew before he said anything that he never saw Chicago as his home.

"Yes and no. I miss it. You're not in your own head all the time. You're a part of something that's in constant motion over there. The kind of break from it you get is a luxury, not something to be taken for granted," Luka said.

Is that how Carter is feeling? Is that why he stayed there? I know he isn't just staying in Africa because we broke up with each other.

"And that's different from County how? " I see Luka, smiling.

"It's such an addiction, I guess" Luka said.

Addiction…

Just like Carter was addicted to drugs.

He is addicted to the mystery, the helplessness and simplicity, the adventure of Africa.



"Yeah, I certainly hope to Carter." I said. I still wonder about him and how he is doing. I almost lost Luka because he was in Africa. I just hope Carter will be careful. I don't want to lose him. Just because we aren't together doesn't mean I will not think of him. We were friends long before he was my boyfriend.

"Yeah. How are you doing with that?

I didn't know whether or not  to tell Luka the truth.  It's still hard for me. It's been a week since the break-up, but I still think of Carter… But there is nothing I can do about it now. I have to get on with my life, and that is exactly what I am doing.

But instead I said. "Without him, you mean? I'm fine. I'm better than fine"

Was I trying to tell myself that more than Luka?

It is kind of irony, me and Luka standing by the river, talking about Carter and our break- up, just like what I did with Carter when Luka and I broke up.


"So you're happy?"


The only thing I could think to say to Luka was I was getting there and making decisions.

Decisions about my life, but more importantly, changes in my life. Luka wanted to know what my decisions were, but I couldn't tell him or anybody just yet. I haven't even told Susan yet. I will tell everybody when the time is right.

Suddenly my pager went off; I knew it was the hospital. I wanted to ignore it like Luka said, but I needed the money.

Especially after the decision that I made, I will need all the money I can get.

Not the same old Abby from a few months ago.

I guess people can change.

**

Later that day,

I walked into my apartment, back from the bank. Richard agreed to sign the papers, so as soon as I finished at his house, I went straight to the bank.

I still couldn't believe that my ex- husband actually signed it. I went there hoping that he would, but I was surprised when he actually did it.

I wouldn't have gone to Richard if it wasn't important. I am not the type of person that asks for help, especially not from my ex- husband, but I need that loan, and if he was the only way I could get it, then I had to do it.

Sometimes you have to do stuff you don't want to to get something you want. It is the least that I deserve from him.

Then I started thinking about what Kerry said to me as I sat down on the couch.

"You are our best nurse,"

But I can be so much more.

When did I start to think that way? I guess it started the day that I got Carter's letter. In his own way he actually helped me. Even when he is broken up with me, he is helping me.

I realized that I need to take a good long look at my life, and what I saw I didn't like. My life is a mess. I have a job that I haven't been happy with in a very long time, but for the first time in my whole life, I took a positive approach to it, and I tried to see what I could do to make it better.

My life is no longer on hold anymore.