Changes

Spoilers: Death and Taxes


Chapter  6


"You never compliment me like that." I said to Susan, as she compliments Neela on her work. Susan looked at me. "What?" She doesn't understand what I am talking about.

"Nice assessment." That is what she said to Neela, but she didn't say anything to me about my work.

"Yes I do," Susan said.

I looked at her. "No, you don't." I have been a med student for a few weeks now, and I haven't heard Susan tell me good job on my work once. Susan then looked at me. "I don't?" Susan said, quietly.

"No."

"I give you my time," Susan said.

Does she think I don't want compliments on my work? Just because I was an ER nurse for years doesn't mean that I don't want attending to tell me that I am doing a good job. The same thing happened with Luka. He was asking other med students about a patient, but he didn't ask me about anything.

I don't want to be different.

I want to be just like all the other med students.

**


How could I have missed that head injury doing the exam? I should have done a CT; I shouldn't have let the child go. I have worked in the ER for years, I should know that if a child is in an accident, and not restrained, that it should have a CT. Maybe I am not going to be a good doctor. Suddenly I heard Susan say hi.

"What the CT show?" I asked. I just hope my mistake didn't kill the baby. Susan then told me all about the fracture, and that they took the baby to OR.

"How could I miss an inter-cranial bleed?"

"It happens," Susan said. I know that Susan was just saying that to make me feel better.

"He seemed like a perfectly healthy baby. "

How could this have happened?

Susan said that I had a attending there, but it is not Luka's fault. If I can't trust my
clinical skills, then there is not really use to me being here, as the book stuff isn't going well either.

Why did I think I could become a doctor?

Susan offered to help me figure out what I did wrong. It was the only thing that I could do to see what I did wrong.


**

It wasn't my fault. All I could think about when the baby came back into the ER was that I made a mistake. How unsure I am about myself. How can I be a good doctor, if I judge myself when something goes wrong?

Nothing is going right with the med school, the book stuff isn't going well, and it doesn't look like the other stuff is either.

Why did I think that just because I was a nurse that I could be a doctor? Suddenly I heard my name. I turned around and saw Neela standing in front of me.

I saw her coming towards me, and I needed to ask her a question how to do something as she is much better at the academics than me. She told me how to do it. She made it seem so simple.

I nodded. "Thanks." I started to walked away, but then I turned around. "Have a good night!"

I heard her as she started to walk after me. "Abby, would you be interested in studying together. "


I laughed. "Sorry?" I wasn't sure if she was really asking me or not.

"I'm good with the academic stuff you know. But you're good with everything else. Maybe we could help each other." Neela said.

I nodded. "Okay," I said. Then I turned and walked away from Neela.

I never really saw myself as someone who studies with someone.

I always like dealing with stuff on my own. Maybe it is time I learn to get help.



**

As I walked outside, I saw Susan sitting on the bench, looking pretty upset. "Susan," I said in a whisper.

She looked up. "Hey." It looked like she had been crying.

"Are you okay?" I asked, as I sat down next to her.

"I lost a patient today." I looked up at her confused.

"Do you mean that old man I heard took a liking to you," I questioned. I heard from the gossip mill that Susan was looking out for him, and was worried about how he was dealing with his illness.


Susan smiled. "I guess he did like me. I know that he was suicidal, but I didn't do anything about it. I knew he was going to kill himself before, but I thought he was starting to be okay."

"Susan, from what I heard, you did everything that you could as a doctor. You can't stop someone if they want to do that. Was he the one that you were going out with for dinner?"

"He was, but I just wish that I could have helped him more," Susan replied.

"There is only so much a doctor can do."

Susan laughed. "This coming from a 4 year med student. Do you know what you are getting yourself into?"

I laughed. "Some days I don't think I can make it as a med student, but then there are other days when I know that I am doing exactly what I want,"

"Spoken like a true doctor."

A doctor.

It is going to take some effort, but I can do it.

Susan stood up. "Do you need a ride?"

I shake my head. "No, I'm fine; I'll see you tomorrow."

**

I walked into my apartment, taking my jacket off and putting my keys on the table. I locked the door and sighed. Another long day.

I walked into the kitchen and put a kettle on the stove for tea. I sat down in the chair and closed my eyes. I opened them, and my glance caught the calendar hanging on the wall. It has almost been one month. One month since I decided to change my life and go back into med school. One crazy month.

At work people take my being a med student almost, I don't know, for granted? Like this is a phase I'm going through or something. Or like it's just Abby all dressed up in a lab coat. They don't realize, fully at least, that I'm going to be a doctor. Even Susan doesn't really treat me like a med student, just like a nurse only doing different things. And I don't like to be treated different than everyone else. Just because you've known me longer doesn't mean you treat me different than the med students that float in and out of here. I'm the same as them when I'm in that lab coat. It's when I'm a nurse that I'm different and back to old Abby again. And maybe that's why they treat me different, because I keep going back and forth between these two people, and they don't want to differentiate between the two, so it's just easier to keep treating me like they've treated me for almost 4 years. I guess that must be why.

A whistle breaks me from my thoughts. I turn the kettle off and pour myself a glass of hot water, soaking my tea bag in the cup. I watch as the tea slowly dissolves into the water until it becomes one with it. I slowly sip it and feel my body begin to relax as the hot liquid streams through my body and warms it. I pull my ever present stack of medical books closer to me and reluctantly open them, beginning to study. The long day melts into the long night.