Changes

Spoilers: "Missing"

Chapter 8


How can you juggle two things in your life?

Being a nurse and a med student at the same time. Why did I think I could do it?

It is not easy being both. As I was working on the test, I didn't realize how hard it was going to be. Both Lester and Neela finished way before me.

Then Kerry came barging in and told me that my nursing shift had already started.  'How I am suppose to get through med school if I am juggling two jobs that constantly overlap and interfere with each other?

 

 What was I thinking when I decided to go back to school?

**
I walked into the room where the Jane Doe was. How could someone not report this child missing? When the parents of the missing child came in, I thought great we'd found the parents of the child, but no it wasn't their daughter. I just wish we could find her parents. How could someone not report their child missing?

Ken then walked into the room and told me that he was going to keep on looking and try and find the girl's parents. But how could we do that when we don't even know her name?

 Days like these make me wonder why I want to become a doctor. If we can't help a missing child find her family, how are we supposed to help people who are injured and dying? I touched her face. "I'm sorry," I said with a whisper.


"I've had enough. Do you want to go get a drink with Gallant?" I heard Neela ask me. I turned around.

"No, I thought I'd hang around and make sure she makes it up to the PICU."

"Can't a nurse do that?" Neela said.

"I'm a nurse."

"You're a med student." Neela said, as she walked out of the room.

I never realized how hard it was going for me to see myself a med student not as a nurse.

But that is what I am...a med student, and I need to start to see myself like that.




**

Neela and I ordered our drinks. I decided to get a cola. It was hard for me to not have a drink, but I was making a change in my life, and I wasn't going to go drink.


I looked at Neela and I could see that she was clearly drunk. She started talking about her family, and I could see that she was clearly upset about the phone call she had got from them earlier.

I know how that can be. I still wonder if I am going to get that call from Maggie or Eric.

But I haven't heard from them for weeks.

"They are going to name my niece. They don't even need me there. Do you have any nieces or nephews?"

I shake my head. "No, my brother's single."

"Where is he?" Neela asked.

"Minnesota."

"Do you see him much?"

"Not now no. I'm trying to let him get his stuff together while I get my stuff together."

It is so hard to let him to do it himself. He's my little brother, and I'm supposed to be there for him, but I realize that I have to get my life in order first.

"Me too. I'm trying to get my stuff together too. Let's all of us get our stuff together…Do you miss them though, your family?"

"Sure," I said. When they are on their meds that is.

I then asked Neela if she ever did grade my test, and she gave me the piece of paper and I saw that I got 52. I knew that did badly, but I didn't think this bad.

Med school is harder than I thought it was going to be.

**
Later,

I waved goodbye to Pratt, Valerie, and Gallant.

"Do you have a cigarette?" Neela asked me. I said no. I haven't wanted to smoke since I returned back to med school.

"I really don't drink this much normally. I've just gone through a lot today. Bad day, you know " Neela said.

I smiled. "I know. It's not easy being a med student, is it?"

Neela laughed. "At least I don't work two jobs. Why did you do it?"

"Money,' I said. But there was another reason that I still work as a nurse. I don't want to give it all up yet and put myself out there without something to fall back on. I've been a nurse for over three years now, and I don't want to just stop suddenly. I need to work myself out of it and make sure this whole doctor thing is really going to happen before I only work as a med student or a doctor.


"I guess we should be leaving now," I said as I stood up. "I'll call a cab for you."

"I guess you're right," Neela said. "Sorry I ruined the night for everybody… saying all that about how I don't know who I am."

"It's fine," I laughed as we walked out of the bar. I waited until the cab showed up. "Are you coming in with me?" she said as she got into the cab.

"No, I think I am going to take the El."

"Are you sure? There is more than enough room in here for you," Neela said.

"I'm fine."

"Okay. See you later then."

As the cab left the bar, I started walking toward the El. I couldn't stop thinking about what Neela said.

Do you ever feel like you don't know who the hell you are?

I used to feel that way a few months ago, when I was just a nurse and I hated my job. But now that I have been in med school for a while, I am really starting to feeling that I know who I am.

I'm a med student.

To be continued.