I stood in shock and felt a pain like a dagger drive through my heart. The air around me reverberated with loss and grief. I wanted the ground to rise up and swallow me, or the sky to crush me so I wouldn't have to bear the pain. Staring unbelievably at those around me, I began to break down. The shame and sorrow bore through me and I almost choked on my own inner decay. I fell to the ground, yet I did not feel it, and let go. My body wracked and heaved as I screamed. I felt my soul begin to leave me. I raved and raged, beating the ground and myself, trying to numb the pain. Soon I was exhausted, and lay in the dust. I was hollow and could not stop crying. I lay prostrate on the ground for hours, crying myself hoarse, and continued to sob long after my tears had run out. I wanted to shout at Him, to rip Him apart with my bare hands, and to grovel and beg at His feet for forgiveness. But I knew it would never come. I knew I was lost to Him forever.