Chapter 9: It Just Keeps on Coming
Okay, so it was now Thursday night, and I had successfully avoided
Craig since he had come up with that insane idea for his co-op. Every time
I saw him, I managed to turn around and run the other way (oh so smoothly,
of course) before he could say anything. I'm sure he was catching on-
especially when I barreled over a few freshmen today. I rubbed my eyes
before blinking down at the paper in front of me. I hate math. It's the one
subject I actually have to try in to get a good grade.
Looking at the clock, I realized I'd be pulling an all-nighter. There
was just no way I could get all this homework done in a decent amount of
time. It seems like this is how my life has been going lately. I go to
school, I work on yearbook or the Grapevine after school, I go to my co-op
for however long I'm needed, and then I go home to take care of my mother
and then do all my homework. Lately, I've gained so much responsibility at
the co-op, I've usually been working on it overtime. I don't really have
the heart to tell Caitlin that I'm being overloaded. I don't want to sound
like I can't hack it, but it's just really hard to be a normal teenager and
the responsible adult of the household too.
It's not like I'm about to go all psycho or anything. I think I'm
handling it pretty well. I usually allow myself some time to do normal
teenager things- like help Sean study or hear about Marco's latest date
with Dylan or help Ashley with her newest guy problems- but when am I going
to start doing stuff for me? I never get to do the stuff I want to anymore.
I'm always helping some one out. For once, I'd like one day where I could
just keep my schedule completely free and do whatever I want. I'd go
vintage shopping or to an art gallery or just hang out at Marco's where
everything seems so much simpler.
The sound of the phone ringing brought me out of my thoughts
abruptly. It was 10:00. My dad always called at 10:00. I made myself get
out of my chair and walk over to where my cordless was. But I just couldn't
pick it up. It was like there was some unseen force keeping my hand from
reaching out for the phone. I knew it was my dad and I knew he wanted to
tell me he loved me and he missed me and my mom, but I didn't want to hear
it. I was sick of hearing his voice through some crackling reception
thousands of miles away giving me all these empty promises- telling me he'd
be home soon or that he was okay and it wasn't that bad over there. Then
turning on the news to hear that, once again, troops had been bombed or
more soldiers killed. My dad lied to me. He told me it was just a
peacekeeping mission, and, like an idiot, I had believed him. It wasn't
until we were discussing current events in history that I realized that it
was an actual war over there. How stupid could I have been?
I listened as the phone's rings became more insistent until finally
they just stopped. I was pretty sure he'd try again an hour later. Maybe I
would just take the phone off the hook. That way I could focus on all my
homework and not be bothered. I could be selfish for once. I greedily
snatched the phone cord and ripped it out of the wall. That felt really
good.
I would go and check on my mom one last time before I got started. I
crept downstairs and saw her getting up from the couch. She turned off the
TV and came towards the stairs, wobbling the entire time. As she took a
step, she almost fell and I reached out to hold her arm. My mom looked at
me and I had never seen her look so sad before. She just stared at me for
what seemed like forever before brushing her hand and lips across my cheek
and lightly pulling on a pigtail. I watched as she slammed her door shut.
That had been the only affection my mom had shown me since my father left-
maybe the most affection ever in my life.
I ran into my room and slammed the door also. I couldn't think about
my mom right now. About how sad she was or depressed and how it was
affecting me. But I couldn't help it. I remembered how happy her and dad
are when they're together. Like a couple of teenagers. It's not like
they're that old anyway. My mom had me when she was 14. My dad was 16. They
married promptly when she was 18 and have lived happily ever after since.
Until my dad was first shipped off overseas. God, I didn't even want to
think about this.
I sat back down at my desk and desperately tried to concentrate on
all the numbers floating in front of my face. My cell phone started to sing
Canon in D. I sighed but answered it anyway.
"Your phone's busy!" Ashley greeted.
I tucked my knees under my chin and got ready for a long
conversation, "Yeah, my dad called and him and my mom are, like, having
some sort of schmoozefest over the phone. Totally lame."
Ashley laughed. "Sounds cute to me. Are you okay? I barely saw you
today. Craig asked about you."
My face turned red and I closed my eyes. "Craig? Why is he asking
about me?"
"He said you're helping him out with his co-op thing. I think that's
really great of you, Ellie. Totally awesome."
"Oh yeah. Totally awesome. When did he tell you this?"
"Oh, like yesterday, maybe."
My mouth dropped slightly, "And you don't care?"
"Why should I?"
"Nevermind..."
"So what are you doing tomorrow?"
I racked my brain for my plans. Finally it hit me, "Sean and I are
going to the mall."
"Sean- the mall- shopping? Woah. Things must be serious."
"Yeah, we're shopping for a ring. We're getting married."
"Oh my God. Are you serious?"
I rolled my eyes and cracked the first smile of the day. "I'm totally
kidding. He wants to get this new CD. So he asked me to come along."
Ashley and I talked for a while longer. By the time I got off the
phone, it was nearing 11:30pm and my homework was nowhere near finished. I
picked up my pencil again and clicked it a few times. I sighed, there was
no doubt about it. I was going to look like hell tomorrow.
I woke up the next morning with my head on top of my chemistry. Thank
God I had finished it- at 4:00am. I knew as soon as I looked in the mirror,
I'd want to scream. Sure enough, I did. I looked horrible. The bags under
my eyes were overtaking my entire face and my hair stood up in all
directions. Yeah, and I had less than an hour to fix myself. All I wanted
to do was crawl back into bed.
As I walked down the stairs to leave for school, I noticed my mom's
door was still closed. I almost went back to wake her up for work, but
decided against it. Maybe she had called in sick or just had the day off. I
didn't want to disturb her, especially since she probably had the world's
worst hangover.
I made a point to stop at Marco's street and wait for him. Sure
enough, there he was coming out of his house, looking like he had stepped
off of the set of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Whatever, he looked
wonderful. He flashed me a smile before slipping on his trademark
sunglasses. I swear, he wears those things at night.
"Wow, Els. You're not looking so hot this morning." Marco teased me.
"Haha. Like I don't know this. I didn't really sleep last night," I
gave him a wry little smile. Wow, even Marco was telling me I looked
horrible. All of a sudden, I wanted to run back home and spend a little
more time on my makeup. Or at least wear something a little more... well, not
so bland.
"What kept you up?"
"Where've you been? Only the monster pile of homework they've given
us all week," I flipped a piece of hair back behind my shoulder.
"Oh yeah. That. Gave me nightmares. Don't worry, Elle. I'm sure
you're #1 student status is still intact. No one is close to beating your
average."
I grinned. I'm such a little apple-polisher even I amaze myself. It
felt good to be better than everyone else in my grade, probably in the
entire school. Before I knew it, I was standing in front of school. All of
a sudden, my heart started to race. I had finished all of my homework last
night, right? I quickly went over the checklist in my head. I was pretty
sure. Still, I let out a shaky breath before walking through the doors. All
I wanted was a hug from Sean.
"Woah. What happened to you?" Sean squinted at my face.
I lifted an eyebrow and breezed past him, "Good morning to you, too."
Sean grabbed my arm, "Stop being so touchy. I was worried."
I turned back around and he pulled me closer to him. I let a small
smile escape my lips and I leaned in to kiss him. He tasted so good in the
morning. Suddenly, our good morning kiss became a full make-out session in
the middle of the hallway at school. Great, just what I wanted everyone to
see to confirm their suspicions that maybe, in fact, I was a slut. But I
couldn't pull away. Sean's impossible to pull away from.
Then he broke away. I guess I'm not so irresistible. "So, you're
going to be pissed."
"Why?" I hated when he started things off like that.
"I have to cancel our date tonight. I have to work on Simpson's car
some more."
I started walking to my locker. "Well, you have to do what you have
to do. It's fine, but call me later, okay? "
Sean squeezed my waist, "Sure. See ya."
"Bye."
It was 1:00am. Sean still hadn't called me. I was acting like a total
crazed bi-polar girlfriend. I had to keep my cool. I shouldn't be acting
this way. I glared at the clock one more time before trying to call Sean's
cell phone for about the tenth time. I'm sure he wasn't working on
Simpson's car this entire time.
Still no answer. I flung the cell phone onto my bed and went out into
the hallway. I had been working on this painting all afternoon that I
hadn't even heard my mom come in. As I took a step downstairs, the phone
rang. I ran back to my room and picked up the cordless.
"Hello?"
"Ellie?"
"Sean! Where've you been? I've tried calling your cell phone like ten-
"
"Ellie. Shut up. You're going to be extremely pissed."
I sat down on my bed and crossed my legs. Who the hell did Sean think
he was telling me to shut up? "What?" I snapped.
"I need your help. I'm in-"
"What kind of help, Sean?" My eyebrows furrowed. What the hell could
Sean gotten into now?
"Jay needed my help. He was desperate. And I can't turn my back on
one of the guys. He's been there for me. We're like brothers. So I had to
help him. But we got caught. And now I'm in jail," the words flew out of
Sean's mouth, but all I could hear was Jay, desperate, caught, and jail.
I stood up quickly. "WHAT?"
"Can you bail me out?" Sean whispered.
I was seething. I wanted to kill him. "How am I supposed to bail you
out?"
"Do you have a credit card or anything? I mean, talk to your mom. I'm
sure she'll let you."
"Jesus Christ. You've got to be shitting me." I hung up the phone on
Sean and stalked to my dad's study. He usually had a credit card sitting in
there in case I needed it for an emergency. I figured my boyfriend being in
jail counted as one.
One hour later, I was standing with Sean on the sidewalk in front of
the police station. I took one look at him with disgust and stormed away.
"Ellie!" He chased after me. "Where are you going?"
I whipped around to face him. "Are you stupid? Seriously! What were
you thinking? Breaking and entering? What the hell is wrong with you. And
if Jay is your 'brother', why did he run off and let you get caught? I
can't believe you. You stupid fucking lowlife!" I screamed.
Sean wouldn't even meet my eyes. Fair enough. I didn't even want to
look at his sorry ass ever again. Once again, I had done someone else a
huge favor. I was so sick of it. I was sick of always having to bail Sean
out of trouble- his grades, with Mr. Simpson, his out-of-control parties,
and now jail.
"That's not fair, Ellie. You don't even know the whole story."
"It must be one hell of a story if it ends up with you in jail and me
wasting money on you."
I couldn't believe he was following me. I began to walk faster, my
heels making an impatient clicking sound every time they hit the sidewalk.
What a way to waste a Friday night. I just wanted to go home. "Please,
Sean. Just leave me alone, okay? I don't want to see you."
Sean grabbed my elbow. "Okay, but just... are you breaking up with me?"
My shoulders heaved and I shut my eyes. "No... I'm just really upset
right now. You can understand that right?"
"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, Ellie. But thanks. I knew I could count on
you."
I shook my head. "Yeah, whatever. I'll see you later."
As I walked home, my head cleared a little. I was still pissed off at
Sean, but I didn't feel like I was going to fall apart. I just needed to
stay away from him for awhile or else I'd probably blow up. Reaching my
house, I realized I hadn't even gotten the mail when I came home. I pulled
out a small pile of letters before walking into the house. Everything was
as I left it and it felt strangely empty. I sifted through the mail and saw
one with my name on it. No address, just my name. Weird.
"Mom!" I called out. She had a few letters from some friends I thought she
might want to see. But no answer. I shrugged and ripped the envelope of my
letter. It was written on a tiny sheet of paper.
------ I'm sorry. Love, mom.
I read the note over and over again. I didn't get it. What was going on?
Why was my mom sending me a note that said she was sorry? I kept the letter
in my hand and ran up to her room. She'd have to explain this herself. I
turned the knob to her door and walked in. It was completely dark. Flipping
on the lights, I gasped.
She wasn't there. The bed was neatly made. Everything looked as it
normally did. Except, my mom's side of the closet was bare. Her drawers
were empty. Her things from the bathroom were gone. I could barely grasp
the concept in my head and my legs felt like they'd give out on me any
second. I sat down on the bed and stared at the stupid note in my hand. She
had left me. My mom had left. I didn't even know what to think. I quietly
walked out of the room, leaving everything as it had been, and went into
mine. I couldn't think. So I grabbed the nearest sharp object and cut. I
cut out every memory of my stupid mom.
Okay, so it was now Thursday night, and I had successfully avoided
Craig since he had come up with that insane idea for his co-op. Every time
I saw him, I managed to turn around and run the other way (oh so smoothly,
of course) before he could say anything. I'm sure he was catching on-
especially when I barreled over a few freshmen today. I rubbed my eyes
before blinking down at the paper in front of me. I hate math. It's the one
subject I actually have to try in to get a good grade.
Looking at the clock, I realized I'd be pulling an all-nighter. There
was just no way I could get all this homework done in a decent amount of
time. It seems like this is how my life has been going lately. I go to
school, I work on yearbook or the Grapevine after school, I go to my co-op
for however long I'm needed, and then I go home to take care of my mother
and then do all my homework. Lately, I've gained so much responsibility at
the co-op, I've usually been working on it overtime. I don't really have
the heart to tell Caitlin that I'm being overloaded. I don't want to sound
like I can't hack it, but it's just really hard to be a normal teenager and
the responsible adult of the household too.
It's not like I'm about to go all psycho or anything. I think I'm
handling it pretty well. I usually allow myself some time to do normal
teenager things- like help Sean study or hear about Marco's latest date
with Dylan or help Ashley with her newest guy problems- but when am I going
to start doing stuff for me? I never get to do the stuff I want to anymore.
I'm always helping some one out. For once, I'd like one day where I could
just keep my schedule completely free and do whatever I want. I'd go
vintage shopping or to an art gallery or just hang out at Marco's where
everything seems so much simpler.
The sound of the phone ringing brought me out of my thoughts
abruptly. It was 10:00. My dad always called at 10:00. I made myself get
out of my chair and walk over to where my cordless was. But I just couldn't
pick it up. It was like there was some unseen force keeping my hand from
reaching out for the phone. I knew it was my dad and I knew he wanted to
tell me he loved me and he missed me and my mom, but I didn't want to hear
it. I was sick of hearing his voice through some crackling reception
thousands of miles away giving me all these empty promises- telling me he'd
be home soon or that he was okay and it wasn't that bad over there. Then
turning on the news to hear that, once again, troops had been bombed or
more soldiers killed. My dad lied to me. He told me it was just a
peacekeeping mission, and, like an idiot, I had believed him. It wasn't
until we were discussing current events in history that I realized that it
was an actual war over there. How stupid could I have been?
I listened as the phone's rings became more insistent until finally
they just stopped. I was pretty sure he'd try again an hour later. Maybe I
would just take the phone off the hook. That way I could focus on all my
homework and not be bothered. I could be selfish for once. I greedily
snatched the phone cord and ripped it out of the wall. That felt really
good.
I would go and check on my mom one last time before I got started. I
crept downstairs and saw her getting up from the couch. She turned off the
TV and came towards the stairs, wobbling the entire time. As she took a
step, she almost fell and I reached out to hold her arm. My mom looked at
me and I had never seen her look so sad before. She just stared at me for
what seemed like forever before brushing her hand and lips across my cheek
and lightly pulling on a pigtail. I watched as she slammed her door shut.
That had been the only affection my mom had shown me since my father left-
maybe the most affection ever in my life.
I ran into my room and slammed the door also. I couldn't think about
my mom right now. About how sad she was or depressed and how it was
affecting me. But I couldn't help it. I remembered how happy her and dad
are when they're together. Like a couple of teenagers. It's not like
they're that old anyway. My mom had me when she was 14. My dad was 16. They
married promptly when she was 18 and have lived happily ever after since.
Until my dad was first shipped off overseas. God, I didn't even want to
think about this.
I sat back down at my desk and desperately tried to concentrate on
all the numbers floating in front of my face. My cell phone started to sing
Canon in D. I sighed but answered it anyway.
"Your phone's busy!" Ashley greeted.
I tucked my knees under my chin and got ready for a long
conversation, "Yeah, my dad called and him and my mom are, like, having
some sort of schmoozefest over the phone. Totally lame."
Ashley laughed. "Sounds cute to me. Are you okay? I barely saw you
today. Craig asked about you."
My face turned red and I closed my eyes. "Craig? Why is he asking
about me?"
"He said you're helping him out with his co-op thing. I think that's
really great of you, Ellie. Totally awesome."
"Oh yeah. Totally awesome. When did he tell you this?"
"Oh, like yesterday, maybe."
My mouth dropped slightly, "And you don't care?"
"Why should I?"
"Nevermind..."
"So what are you doing tomorrow?"
I racked my brain for my plans. Finally it hit me, "Sean and I are
going to the mall."
"Sean- the mall- shopping? Woah. Things must be serious."
"Yeah, we're shopping for a ring. We're getting married."
"Oh my God. Are you serious?"
I rolled my eyes and cracked the first smile of the day. "I'm totally
kidding. He wants to get this new CD. So he asked me to come along."
Ashley and I talked for a while longer. By the time I got off the
phone, it was nearing 11:30pm and my homework was nowhere near finished. I
picked up my pencil again and clicked it a few times. I sighed, there was
no doubt about it. I was going to look like hell tomorrow.
I woke up the next morning with my head on top of my chemistry. Thank
God I had finished it- at 4:00am. I knew as soon as I looked in the mirror,
I'd want to scream. Sure enough, I did. I looked horrible. The bags under
my eyes were overtaking my entire face and my hair stood up in all
directions. Yeah, and I had less than an hour to fix myself. All I wanted
to do was crawl back into bed.
As I walked down the stairs to leave for school, I noticed my mom's
door was still closed. I almost went back to wake her up for work, but
decided against it. Maybe she had called in sick or just had the day off. I
didn't want to disturb her, especially since she probably had the world's
worst hangover.
I made a point to stop at Marco's street and wait for him. Sure
enough, there he was coming out of his house, looking like he had stepped
off of the set of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Whatever, he looked
wonderful. He flashed me a smile before slipping on his trademark
sunglasses. I swear, he wears those things at night.
"Wow, Els. You're not looking so hot this morning." Marco teased me.
"Haha. Like I don't know this. I didn't really sleep last night," I
gave him a wry little smile. Wow, even Marco was telling me I looked
horrible. All of a sudden, I wanted to run back home and spend a little
more time on my makeup. Or at least wear something a little more... well, not
so bland.
"What kept you up?"
"Where've you been? Only the monster pile of homework they've given
us all week," I flipped a piece of hair back behind my shoulder.
"Oh yeah. That. Gave me nightmares. Don't worry, Elle. I'm sure
you're #1 student status is still intact. No one is close to beating your
average."
I grinned. I'm such a little apple-polisher even I amaze myself. It
felt good to be better than everyone else in my grade, probably in the
entire school. Before I knew it, I was standing in front of school. All of
a sudden, my heart started to race. I had finished all of my homework last
night, right? I quickly went over the checklist in my head. I was pretty
sure. Still, I let out a shaky breath before walking through the doors. All
I wanted was a hug from Sean.
"Woah. What happened to you?" Sean squinted at my face.
I lifted an eyebrow and breezed past him, "Good morning to you, too."
Sean grabbed my arm, "Stop being so touchy. I was worried."
I turned back around and he pulled me closer to him. I let a small
smile escape my lips and I leaned in to kiss him. He tasted so good in the
morning. Suddenly, our good morning kiss became a full make-out session in
the middle of the hallway at school. Great, just what I wanted everyone to
see to confirm their suspicions that maybe, in fact, I was a slut. But I
couldn't pull away. Sean's impossible to pull away from.
Then he broke away. I guess I'm not so irresistible. "So, you're
going to be pissed."
"Why?" I hated when he started things off like that.
"I have to cancel our date tonight. I have to work on Simpson's car
some more."
I started walking to my locker. "Well, you have to do what you have
to do. It's fine, but call me later, okay? "
Sean squeezed my waist, "Sure. See ya."
"Bye."
It was 1:00am. Sean still hadn't called me. I was acting like a total
crazed bi-polar girlfriend. I had to keep my cool. I shouldn't be acting
this way. I glared at the clock one more time before trying to call Sean's
cell phone for about the tenth time. I'm sure he wasn't working on
Simpson's car this entire time.
Still no answer. I flung the cell phone onto my bed and went out into
the hallway. I had been working on this painting all afternoon that I
hadn't even heard my mom come in. As I took a step downstairs, the phone
rang. I ran back to my room and picked up the cordless.
"Hello?"
"Ellie?"
"Sean! Where've you been? I've tried calling your cell phone like ten-
"
"Ellie. Shut up. You're going to be extremely pissed."
I sat down on my bed and crossed my legs. Who the hell did Sean think
he was telling me to shut up? "What?" I snapped.
"I need your help. I'm in-"
"What kind of help, Sean?" My eyebrows furrowed. What the hell could
Sean gotten into now?
"Jay needed my help. He was desperate. And I can't turn my back on
one of the guys. He's been there for me. We're like brothers. So I had to
help him. But we got caught. And now I'm in jail," the words flew out of
Sean's mouth, but all I could hear was Jay, desperate, caught, and jail.
I stood up quickly. "WHAT?"
"Can you bail me out?" Sean whispered.
I was seething. I wanted to kill him. "How am I supposed to bail you
out?"
"Do you have a credit card or anything? I mean, talk to your mom. I'm
sure she'll let you."
"Jesus Christ. You've got to be shitting me." I hung up the phone on
Sean and stalked to my dad's study. He usually had a credit card sitting in
there in case I needed it for an emergency. I figured my boyfriend being in
jail counted as one.
One hour later, I was standing with Sean on the sidewalk in front of
the police station. I took one look at him with disgust and stormed away.
"Ellie!" He chased after me. "Where are you going?"
I whipped around to face him. "Are you stupid? Seriously! What were
you thinking? Breaking and entering? What the hell is wrong with you. And
if Jay is your 'brother', why did he run off and let you get caught? I
can't believe you. You stupid fucking lowlife!" I screamed.
Sean wouldn't even meet my eyes. Fair enough. I didn't even want to
look at his sorry ass ever again. Once again, I had done someone else a
huge favor. I was so sick of it. I was sick of always having to bail Sean
out of trouble- his grades, with Mr. Simpson, his out-of-control parties,
and now jail.
"That's not fair, Ellie. You don't even know the whole story."
"It must be one hell of a story if it ends up with you in jail and me
wasting money on you."
I couldn't believe he was following me. I began to walk faster, my
heels making an impatient clicking sound every time they hit the sidewalk.
What a way to waste a Friday night. I just wanted to go home. "Please,
Sean. Just leave me alone, okay? I don't want to see you."
Sean grabbed my elbow. "Okay, but just... are you breaking up with me?"
My shoulders heaved and I shut my eyes. "No... I'm just really upset
right now. You can understand that right?"
"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, Ellie. But thanks. I knew I could count on
you."
I shook my head. "Yeah, whatever. I'll see you later."
As I walked home, my head cleared a little. I was still pissed off at
Sean, but I didn't feel like I was going to fall apart. I just needed to
stay away from him for awhile or else I'd probably blow up. Reaching my
house, I realized I hadn't even gotten the mail when I came home. I pulled
out a small pile of letters before walking into the house. Everything was
as I left it and it felt strangely empty. I sifted through the mail and saw
one with my name on it. No address, just my name. Weird.
"Mom!" I called out. She had a few letters from some friends I thought she
might want to see. But no answer. I shrugged and ripped the envelope of my
letter. It was written on a tiny sheet of paper.
------ I'm sorry. Love, mom.
I read the note over and over again. I didn't get it. What was going on?
Why was my mom sending me a note that said she was sorry? I kept the letter
in my hand and ran up to her room. She'd have to explain this herself. I
turned the knob to her door and walked in. It was completely dark. Flipping
on the lights, I gasped.
She wasn't there. The bed was neatly made. Everything looked as it
normally did. Except, my mom's side of the closet was bare. Her drawers
were empty. Her things from the bathroom were gone. I could barely grasp
the concept in my head and my legs felt like they'd give out on me any
second. I sat down on the bed and stared at the stupid note in my hand. She
had left me. My mom had left. I didn't even know what to think. I quietly
walked out of the room, leaving everything as it had been, and went into
mine. I couldn't think. So I grabbed the nearest sharp object and cut. I
cut out every memory of my stupid mom.