Chapter 10: Sharp
Sean's POV:
I didn't talk to Ellie the entire weekend. I had tried calling, but
she must have taken the phone off the hook because it was constantly busy.
She wouldn't answer her cell phone or return any of my messages. I messed
up. Really bad. I told her I had stopped hanging out with Jay and all those
other "losers" and that I wouldn't steal anymore or anything bad. And what
do I go do? Get caught by the cops. It was a stupid mistake. Jay and I
broke through a window and started loading the car with anything we could
get ours hands on- vcrs, dvd players, entertainment systems... Too bad the
neighbors were watching the house while the owners were on vacation and
called the police on us. And too bad I had been stupid enough to not run
like Jay did.
Ellie just doesn't get it, though. We don't all have everything we
ever wanted handed to us on a silver platter. I can't go to daddy and ask
for whatever I want. It just doesn't work that way. Jay and Towerz are who
I got. And she's going to have to learn to deal. If she ever talks to me
again, that is.
I walked towards her locker, hoping she'd already be there and ready
to make up. But she wasn't. So I waited. It took her fifteen minutes to
arrive at school. By that time, I was sick of waiting and ready to leave
when I saw her walking through the hall. She looked tired and haggard. Her
skin looked almost lucid, grey. She had deep circles under her eyes, and I
couldn't help but notice how loosely her jeans hung off of her. She looked
like hell, and I had done this to her. I watched her as she came nearer and
noticed me. The look of annoyance that flashed across her face as she
waited for me to get out of her way so she could open her locker.
"I'm sorry," I blurted out. Smooth, Cameron, real smooth. I sounded
like an idiot. But I felt like one, so I guess that made sense.
"Sorry for what? For embarrassing yourself, for using me, for..."
"I never used you."
She gave me wry little smile, "Yeah. Well, you didn't call me either
until you needed me to bail you out of jail. I should have let you stay in
there. I wonder who would have helped you out. No one."
I sighed deeply. This wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. I
hadn't expected her to hold a grudge this long. This was actually our first
fight. I leaned against a nearby locker. "Listen, I'm really sorry. I don't
know what else I can say. I'll pay you back. I really appreciate what you
did, though. Thanks."
She stopped pulling her books out and stared into her locker. I could
tell she was silently repeating every word I said, ripping at every
syllable, trying to find some hidden meaning. To see if I was sincere.
Finally she looked me in the eye and I knew things would be alright.
"You owe me big time. Like serious, major."
I chuckled softly and just stared at her. She really was beautiful. I
can't believe I had never noticed her until lately. I guess she had always
just kept to herself. "You look really tired. What did you do all weekend?"
Ellie shut the door to her locker and turned towards me. "Not much.
Homework, hung out a bit with Marco and Ashley, that's pretty much it."
Something in her eyes told me that wasn't just it, though. I looked
her over again. I had never realized just how tiny she was. I reached my
hand over and touched the skin that was exposed between her shirt and the
top of her jeans. It was ice cold, but so soft. "You look run down.
Seriously, Elle. You need to relax."
Ellie shot me a quick smile. "I know. It's just lately everything has
been so hectic. I barely have time to do anything- let alone sleep or eat."
"We can always grab something to eat tonight. Make time. You need
to."
"You can come over. My mom's away working on this huge design project
in New York. We'll study and order Chinese. Sound good?"
I nodded and pulled her into a quick hug before I had to head off to
class. I had to make myself let her go. I feel so good around her. No one
has ever made me feel like this. Not Emma or Amy. I gave her a slight wave
and turned to saunter down the hall towards English.
As I turned the corner, I caught sight of Jay and Towerz heading my
way. As always, Jay's arm was firmly placed around Alex's neck. He lifted
his head in acknowledgement and stopped me. "We're going to a party
tonight. Supposedly it's going to be good. You should come."
"What? And get arrested again?" I shot out at him. Did he think he
could get me in that mess and expect everything to be okay?
"Why don't you let that go. So you got arrested. You spent like two
hours in jail. It's done. Now, are you coming or not?"
"I can't. I'm going over to Ellie's tonight. Plus, some of us need to
get good grades to collect student welfare. You wouldn't know anything
about that."
"So you're dissing your friends to hang out with that priss?" Towerz
bit back a laugh as Jay lifted an eyebrow to me.
"At least she's not a pussy who runs shitless when he's caught. You
don't know her."
"Yeah, well I know that you've changed since you've gone out with
her. I'm sick of her holier-than-thou attitude and how she has you wrapped
around her finger. You're whipped."
"I'm not whipped. Don't bring her into this." Jay was seriously
hitting a nerve.
"Oh really?" Jay laughed. "She says jump, you say how high. She says
run and you say how far. All she has to do is crack her whip and you're
doing whatever she wants you to do. It's pathetic. But whatever, if you
want to be a goody-goody with her, be it. We're outta here."
I watched as my so-called friends left. Before I would have been
leaving with them, stealing something, skipping class, terrorizing some
poor kid. I used to have a lot of fun. I mean, I wasn't a good kid, but I
was having fun. Was I having fun now doing homework with Ellie all night
and watching my every step around her? I tried to squelch that thought from
my mind, but I couldn't. It just kept repeating itself over and over in my
head the whole day. Was I her lapdog?
I rang the bell to Ellie's house... er... mansion later that day. She
should be home from her co-op by now. I stood back on my heels while I
waited. After what seemed like forever, I heard her footsteps pattering
down the stairs and to the door. She opened it and I lifted the corner of
my mouth into a lop-sided grin. It was involuntary. I always smile when I'm
with her.
"Hey," she sounded breathless, and I took her appearance in. She had
on an oversized sweatshirt that I recognized as one of mine and a pair of
tiny shorts. She looked so cute. Ugh. I couldn't believe I had just thought
the word "cute". It made me want to puke. But she did. I couldn't deny
that. I stepped inside into the foyer and looked around. It was quiet and
pretty dark. Impeccably clean.
"Ready for homework?" She pointed at the backpack I had just placed
down on the floor. No. I was not ready for homework. I never am. All I
wanted to do was take her up to her bedroom and... well... Okay, I'm not just
some little horny teenager... Don't get me wrong. Sex isn't all I think
about. But I do think about it a lot. Especially when I'm alone with her.
I shrugged- my signature move. "Sure."
She lightly took my hand and led me up the stairs to her bedroom. I
was relieved that she was actually touching me. After what had happened I
figured she'd never want to look at me again. I didn't really see why she
was so upset, but I knew she just wanted what was best for me. We walked
into her room, and I let out a little laugh. "So, Miss Perfect Nash isn't
up on cleaning her room?"
Ellie gave me a look before smiling, "Yeah. I think it's a form of
self-expression. But I do apologize for the mess. It's pretty bad."
"Yeah, I hope I can find a spot on the bed..."
"Let me help you," She took a pile of clothes and swept them onto the
floor. "There!"
I threw myself onto her bed and lay back. Before I knew it she was
next to me, also staring at the ceiling. "Is it wrong that I don't answer
the phone when my dad calls?" I looked over at her, but she continued to
stare straight up.
I put my hands behind my head. "I don't know. I've never been in the
situation you're in. You're the only one who knows what is right."
"I guess that's true. I feel so bad. It's like I'm screaming at
myself to answer it and to talk to him, but I can't. I'm so afraid that
he'll have more bad news for me- like he won't be coming home when he
thought he was or something. I'm so stupid..."
I turned over to my side and brushed a hand over her hair. "You're
not stupid. You're scared. That's different." I couldn't believe how mushy
I was sounding. Like such a wimp. I wanted to take my hand away from her
and act distant and moody, but she brought out this horrible sensitive side
I've always fought to keep at a distance. I hate this effect she has on me.
She sighed heavily. "I guess. I still feel bad. Next time, I'll
answer the phone no matter what."
We lay there for a while longer before Ellie sat up and started to
take her books out of her backpack. The last thing I wanted to do was to
conjugate French verbs with her. Especially when she made me feel so
inferior. It wasn't fair though- she was part French and had lived in both
Montreal and France for part of her life. I grabbed a hold of her arm and
pulled her back onto the bed again. She gave me an annoyed look and tried
to get back up but I wouldn't let her. Finally, she just gave in and
started to kiss me. And it wasn't just a let's-make-out-for-a-tiny-bit
kiss, it was a deep, let's-forget-about-all-the-shit-in-our-lives kiss. And
I loved every second of it- or minute of it.
Suddenly, I felt her fingernails clawing at my shirt- pushing it up
so she could feel my stomach. We broke our kiss for two seconds so I could
pull my shirt over my head. Then again a few minutes later so I could take
her sweatshirt and tank top off. She tangled her fingers into my hair,
almost to the point where it hurt, but never quite getting there. I knew
where this was leading so I reached for my wallet in the back pocket of my
jeans to get a condom. The entire time we were having sex, we didn't break
the kiss once. It was incredible, but also weird too. I never thought of
Ellie as needy before, but tonight she seemed almost desperate and
pleading. Not that I'm complaining because the sex was great. But right
after we were done, Ellie hopped up and got out my French book and started
drilling me. I wasn't even dressed, or over the wild sex, before she was
shouting our verbs for me to conjugate. The entire time we studied that
night, all I could think was: did Ellie just use me for sex?
Ellie's POV:
Okay, I'm a bad person. I was still incredibly mad at Sean for what
he did, but I needed to feel wanted. I needed affection and someone to act
like they loved me. Even freaks like me need a hug once in awhile. I knew
he felt a bit weird after it, I could tell by his expression, but I didn't
care. I had got off, that's all that mattered. "Sean, you have to know your
basic verbs avoir, etre, aller, faire, etcetera... Seriously, how do you
expect to pass French when you don't even know these?" He was driving me
crazy. I wanted to just tear at his face with my fingernails. I was on
edge, I admit. I mean, I had to help him study, do my own mountain of
homework, work on this article for the Grapevine that Liberty expected by
morning, clean up the house, and look for a job. Yes, I, Ellie Nash, the
biggest, most spoiled princess ever, was looking for a job. Not just any
job, I needed a job I could do after my co-op, which didn't leave too many
choices. Especially considering I'm only like 15.
"Can't we just quit for tonight. I just want to eat and chill for the
rest of the night." Sean's whiny voice irritated the hell out of me. But I
knew I was getting nowhere with him, so I might as well let him do what he
wants.
"Fine, I'll call the Chinese place," I grabbed the cordless and
placed the order to be delivered. There he was again, giving me that weird
look. Like he couldn't figure me out or something.
Wasn't it obvious? I was falling apart. I was living by myself.
Juggling being a teenager and my sole provider until my mom decided to
breeze back into my life and my dad realized there was another war back at
home. I was cutting more than ever lately. I tried to just reopen old cuts,
but sometimes I got the better of me and just had to carve a new design
into my skin. I could barely stand up, I was so exhausted. Even now I was
leaning back against the wall to keep myself up. I wonder if Sean even
noticed that I was breaking apart right in front of him.
"Ellie? Are you okay?" Sean's voice was distant, I could barely hear
it. But I heard the pity in his voice. I hate that.
"I'm fine!" I spit out through my gritted teeth. I hate pity.
There was that look again. That look he gives me- like I'm some sort
of exhibit and he's studying me- trying to figure me out, but never quite
getting it. I was furious. "Listen, Sean, I don't need your pity or
anything, okay? Just leave me alone!"
Sean stood up and walked over to me. "I didn't say anything. You're
worrying me."
"Get out!" I screamed. I pushed myself away from the wall and
stumbled across the room towards my vanity. It was all I could do to keep
myself from punching that damn mirror with my stupid reflection in it. I
didn't know why I was getting so crazy. I knew Sean had meant nothing by
it, but I couldn't help it. It was like I was watching myself- kind of like
a train wreck. I was a train wreck. It was slow and horrifying and painful
to watch.
"El-"
"GET OUT!" I grabbed a bottle of perfume and whipped it at his head.
I didn't even know why. Sean looked at the broken bottle on the floor and
then back up at me. He shook his head hard.
"You're crazy," he muttered before grabbing his things and heading
out the door.
I collapsed onto the floor in tears. I just wanted to escape it all.
I glimpsed a piece of the broken bottle to my right, but fought the urge to
grab it. No, I would do something else. Something that wouldn't leave any
marks. I opened the bottom drawer to my vanity and reached into the bottom
of it and felt the little bag I kept in there. I'd allow myself just a
little bit before I went back to my normal routine of being perfect.
I licked my lips in anticipation and could feel a bead of sweat
forming at my hairline. I hadn't realized how much I wanted it this whole
time. I just wanted something I could control and have power over. I
grabbed a mirror of the vanity, too, and poured a little of the powder onto
it. Using a razor I formed the powder into a line before snorting it up. It
felt like a million tiny pricks in my nose, but in a good way. In a way
that left me feeling empowered and special. I made myself put the rest
away. The last time, after I found out about the war, I had gone overboard
and Marco had almost caught me. But he still had no idea. I couldn't let
him find out. No one could find out. This was my little secret.
Sean's POV:
I didn't talk to Ellie the entire weekend. I had tried calling, but
she must have taken the phone off the hook because it was constantly busy.
She wouldn't answer her cell phone or return any of my messages. I messed
up. Really bad. I told her I had stopped hanging out with Jay and all those
other "losers" and that I wouldn't steal anymore or anything bad. And what
do I go do? Get caught by the cops. It was a stupid mistake. Jay and I
broke through a window and started loading the car with anything we could
get ours hands on- vcrs, dvd players, entertainment systems... Too bad the
neighbors were watching the house while the owners were on vacation and
called the police on us. And too bad I had been stupid enough to not run
like Jay did.
Ellie just doesn't get it, though. We don't all have everything we
ever wanted handed to us on a silver platter. I can't go to daddy and ask
for whatever I want. It just doesn't work that way. Jay and Towerz are who
I got. And she's going to have to learn to deal. If she ever talks to me
again, that is.
I walked towards her locker, hoping she'd already be there and ready
to make up. But she wasn't. So I waited. It took her fifteen minutes to
arrive at school. By that time, I was sick of waiting and ready to leave
when I saw her walking through the hall. She looked tired and haggard. Her
skin looked almost lucid, grey. She had deep circles under her eyes, and I
couldn't help but notice how loosely her jeans hung off of her. She looked
like hell, and I had done this to her. I watched her as she came nearer and
noticed me. The look of annoyance that flashed across her face as she
waited for me to get out of her way so she could open her locker.
"I'm sorry," I blurted out. Smooth, Cameron, real smooth. I sounded
like an idiot. But I felt like one, so I guess that made sense.
"Sorry for what? For embarrassing yourself, for using me, for..."
"I never used you."
She gave me wry little smile, "Yeah. Well, you didn't call me either
until you needed me to bail you out of jail. I should have let you stay in
there. I wonder who would have helped you out. No one."
I sighed deeply. This wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. I
hadn't expected her to hold a grudge this long. This was actually our first
fight. I leaned against a nearby locker. "Listen, I'm really sorry. I don't
know what else I can say. I'll pay you back. I really appreciate what you
did, though. Thanks."
She stopped pulling her books out and stared into her locker. I could
tell she was silently repeating every word I said, ripping at every
syllable, trying to find some hidden meaning. To see if I was sincere.
Finally she looked me in the eye and I knew things would be alright.
"You owe me big time. Like serious, major."
I chuckled softly and just stared at her. She really was beautiful. I
can't believe I had never noticed her until lately. I guess she had always
just kept to herself. "You look really tired. What did you do all weekend?"
Ellie shut the door to her locker and turned towards me. "Not much.
Homework, hung out a bit with Marco and Ashley, that's pretty much it."
Something in her eyes told me that wasn't just it, though. I looked
her over again. I had never realized just how tiny she was. I reached my
hand over and touched the skin that was exposed between her shirt and the
top of her jeans. It was ice cold, but so soft. "You look run down.
Seriously, Elle. You need to relax."
Ellie shot me a quick smile. "I know. It's just lately everything has
been so hectic. I barely have time to do anything- let alone sleep or eat."
"We can always grab something to eat tonight. Make time. You need
to."
"You can come over. My mom's away working on this huge design project
in New York. We'll study and order Chinese. Sound good?"
I nodded and pulled her into a quick hug before I had to head off to
class. I had to make myself let her go. I feel so good around her. No one
has ever made me feel like this. Not Emma or Amy. I gave her a slight wave
and turned to saunter down the hall towards English.
As I turned the corner, I caught sight of Jay and Towerz heading my
way. As always, Jay's arm was firmly placed around Alex's neck. He lifted
his head in acknowledgement and stopped me. "We're going to a party
tonight. Supposedly it's going to be good. You should come."
"What? And get arrested again?" I shot out at him. Did he think he
could get me in that mess and expect everything to be okay?
"Why don't you let that go. So you got arrested. You spent like two
hours in jail. It's done. Now, are you coming or not?"
"I can't. I'm going over to Ellie's tonight. Plus, some of us need to
get good grades to collect student welfare. You wouldn't know anything
about that."
"So you're dissing your friends to hang out with that priss?" Towerz
bit back a laugh as Jay lifted an eyebrow to me.
"At least she's not a pussy who runs shitless when he's caught. You
don't know her."
"Yeah, well I know that you've changed since you've gone out with
her. I'm sick of her holier-than-thou attitude and how she has you wrapped
around her finger. You're whipped."
"I'm not whipped. Don't bring her into this." Jay was seriously
hitting a nerve.
"Oh really?" Jay laughed. "She says jump, you say how high. She says
run and you say how far. All she has to do is crack her whip and you're
doing whatever she wants you to do. It's pathetic. But whatever, if you
want to be a goody-goody with her, be it. We're outta here."
I watched as my so-called friends left. Before I would have been
leaving with them, stealing something, skipping class, terrorizing some
poor kid. I used to have a lot of fun. I mean, I wasn't a good kid, but I
was having fun. Was I having fun now doing homework with Ellie all night
and watching my every step around her? I tried to squelch that thought from
my mind, but I couldn't. It just kept repeating itself over and over in my
head the whole day. Was I her lapdog?
I rang the bell to Ellie's house... er... mansion later that day. She
should be home from her co-op by now. I stood back on my heels while I
waited. After what seemed like forever, I heard her footsteps pattering
down the stairs and to the door. She opened it and I lifted the corner of
my mouth into a lop-sided grin. It was involuntary. I always smile when I'm
with her.
"Hey," she sounded breathless, and I took her appearance in. She had
on an oversized sweatshirt that I recognized as one of mine and a pair of
tiny shorts. She looked so cute. Ugh. I couldn't believe I had just thought
the word "cute". It made me want to puke. But she did. I couldn't deny
that. I stepped inside into the foyer and looked around. It was quiet and
pretty dark. Impeccably clean.
"Ready for homework?" She pointed at the backpack I had just placed
down on the floor. No. I was not ready for homework. I never am. All I
wanted to do was take her up to her bedroom and... well... Okay, I'm not just
some little horny teenager... Don't get me wrong. Sex isn't all I think
about. But I do think about it a lot. Especially when I'm alone with her.
I shrugged- my signature move. "Sure."
She lightly took my hand and led me up the stairs to her bedroom. I
was relieved that she was actually touching me. After what had happened I
figured she'd never want to look at me again. I didn't really see why she
was so upset, but I knew she just wanted what was best for me. We walked
into her room, and I let out a little laugh. "So, Miss Perfect Nash isn't
up on cleaning her room?"
Ellie gave me a look before smiling, "Yeah. I think it's a form of
self-expression. But I do apologize for the mess. It's pretty bad."
"Yeah, I hope I can find a spot on the bed..."
"Let me help you," She took a pile of clothes and swept them onto the
floor. "There!"
I threw myself onto her bed and lay back. Before I knew it she was
next to me, also staring at the ceiling. "Is it wrong that I don't answer
the phone when my dad calls?" I looked over at her, but she continued to
stare straight up.
I put my hands behind my head. "I don't know. I've never been in the
situation you're in. You're the only one who knows what is right."
"I guess that's true. I feel so bad. It's like I'm screaming at
myself to answer it and to talk to him, but I can't. I'm so afraid that
he'll have more bad news for me- like he won't be coming home when he
thought he was or something. I'm so stupid..."
I turned over to my side and brushed a hand over her hair. "You're
not stupid. You're scared. That's different." I couldn't believe how mushy
I was sounding. Like such a wimp. I wanted to take my hand away from her
and act distant and moody, but she brought out this horrible sensitive side
I've always fought to keep at a distance. I hate this effect she has on me.
She sighed heavily. "I guess. I still feel bad. Next time, I'll
answer the phone no matter what."
We lay there for a while longer before Ellie sat up and started to
take her books out of her backpack. The last thing I wanted to do was to
conjugate French verbs with her. Especially when she made me feel so
inferior. It wasn't fair though- she was part French and had lived in both
Montreal and France for part of her life. I grabbed a hold of her arm and
pulled her back onto the bed again. She gave me an annoyed look and tried
to get back up but I wouldn't let her. Finally, she just gave in and
started to kiss me. And it wasn't just a let's-make-out-for-a-tiny-bit
kiss, it was a deep, let's-forget-about-all-the-shit-in-our-lives kiss. And
I loved every second of it- or minute of it.
Suddenly, I felt her fingernails clawing at my shirt- pushing it up
so she could feel my stomach. We broke our kiss for two seconds so I could
pull my shirt over my head. Then again a few minutes later so I could take
her sweatshirt and tank top off. She tangled her fingers into my hair,
almost to the point where it hurt, but never quite getting there. I knew
where this was leading so I reached for my wallet in the back pocket of my
jeans to get a condom. The entire time we were having sex, we didn't break
the kiss once. It was incredible, but also weird too. I never thought of
Ellie as needy before, but tonight she seemed almost desperate and
pleading. Not that I'm complaining because the sex was great. But right
after we were done, Ellie hopped up and got out my French book and started
drilling me. I wasn't even dressed, or over the wild sex, before she was
shouting our verbs for me to conjugate. The entire time we studied that
night, all I could think was: did Ellie just use me for sex?
Ellie's POV:
Okay, I'm a bad person. I was still incredibly mad at Sean for what
he did, but I needed to feel wanted. I needed affection and someone to act
like they loved me. Even freaks like me need a hug once in awhile. I knew
he felt a bit weird after it, I could tell by his expression, but I didn't
care. I had got off, that's all that mattered. "Sean, you have to know your
basic verbs avoir, etre, aller, faire, etcetera... Seriously, how do you
expect to pass French when you don't even know these?" He was driving me
crazy. I wanted to just tear at his face with my fingernails. I was on
edge, I admit. I mean, I had to help him study, do my own mountain of
homework, work on this article for the Grapevine that Liberty expected by
morning, clean up the house, and look for a job. Yes, I, Ellie Nash, the
biggest, most spoiled princess ever, was looking for a job. Not just any
job, I needed a job I could do after my co-op, which didn't leave too many
choices. Especially considering I'm only like 15.
"Can't we just quit for tonight. I just want to eat and chill for the
rest of the night." Sean's whiny voice irritated the hell out of me. But I
knew I was getting nowhere with him, so I might as well let him do what he
wants.
"Fine, I'll call the Chinese place," I grabbed the cordless and
placed the order to be delivered. There he was again, giving me that weird
look. Like he couldn't figure me out or something.
Wasn't it obvious? I was falling apart. I was living by myself.
Juggling being a teenager and my sole provider until my mom decided to
breeze back into my life and my dad realized there was another war back at
home. I was cutting more than ever lately. I tried to just reopen old cuts,
but sometimes I got the better of me and just had to carve a new design
into my skin. I could barely stand up, I was so exhausted. Even now I was
leaning back against the wall to keep myself up. I wonder if Sean even
noticed that I was breaking apart right in front of him.
"Ellie? Are you okay?" Sean's voice was distant, I could barely hear
it. But I heard the pity in his voice. I hate that.
"I'm fine!" I spit out through my gritted teeth. I hate pity.
There was that look again. That look he gives me- like I'm some sort
of exhibit and he's studying me- trying to figure me out, but never quite
getting it. I was furious. "Listen, Sean, I don't need your pity or
anything, okay? Just leave me alone!"
Sean stood up and walked over to me. "I didn't say anything. You're
worrying me."
"Get out!" I screamed. I pushed myself away from the wall and
stumbled across the room towards my vanity. It was all I could do to keep
myself from punching that damn mirror with my stupid reflection in it. I
didn't know why I was getting so crazy. I knew Sean had meant nothing by
it, but I couldn't help it. It was like I was watching myself- kind of like
a train wreck. I was a train wreck. It was slow and horrifying and painful
to watch.
"El-"
"GET OUT!" I grabbed a bottle of perfume and whipped it at his head.
I didn't even know why. Sean looked at the broken bottle on the floor and
then back up at me. He shook his head hard.
"You're crazy," he muttered before grabbing his things and heading
out the door.
I collapsed onto the floor in tears. I just wanted to escape it all.
I glimpsed a piece of the broken bottle to my right, but fought the urge to
grab it. No, I would do something else. Something that wouldn't leave any
marks. I opened the bottom drawer to my vanity and reached into the bottom
of it and felt the little bag I kept in there. I'd allow myself just a
little bit before I went back to my normal routine of being perfect.
I licked my lips in anticipation and could feel a bead of sweat
forming at my hairline. I hadn't realized how much I wanted it this whole
time. I just wanted something I could control and have power over. I
grabbed a mirror of the vanity, too, and poured a little of the powder onto
it. Using a razor I formed the powder into a line before snorting it up. It
felt like a million tiny pricks in my nose, but in a good way. In a way
that left me feeling empowered and special. I made myself put the rest
away. The last time, after I found out about the war, I had gone overboard
and Marco had almost caught me. But he still had no idea. I couldn't let
him find out. No one could find out. This was my little secret.