Chapter 12: Discarded
Ellie's POV
I didn't see Amy at all in the halls today. Either she didn't come to
school or she was careful to avoid me. Whatever. I wasn't about to start
anything else with her, unless she gave me reason to. This may sound
totally lame and unconventional coming from me, Queen of the Outcasts, but
I actually enjoyed all the attention I received today. I guess it reminded
me of how my life used to be- totally in the spotlight and being paid
attention to. Granted, I never really had any real friends besides Zeke and
Chas back at Rookwood- but I was given all this attention. It didn't matter
whether the attention was good or bad, I loved it.
The last bell rang, sounding the end of the school day, and I grabbed
my notebook and textbook and stuffed them into my backpack. Next stop: my
locker. I had almost completely forgotten that today was Wednesday and I
was supposed to meet Craig until I saw him leaning up against my locker.
"Excuse me," I muttered and I quickly took the lock off and grabbed the
books I needed. "Okay, I'm ready."
Craig smiled, "Great. I'm really excited. I can't wait to actually
learn all the techniques and stuff I've learned."
I nodded but kept my head down. Okay, maybe Craig wasn't crushing on
me. I mean, it seemed innocent now, right? Maybe he was really just excited
about taking pictures, doing something he loved. But when I interviewed
someone for Caitlin, did I try and grab their hand about 13 times? No, but
maybe Craig was just a touchy-feely sort of guy.
I hadn't even realized Craig had been blabbing the entire time with
some sort of camera talk. He probably figured I was listening intently
considering I have an interest in photography too. I just made sure to keep
nodding whenever he paused or add in a "that's cool" or "yeah" whenever it
seemed necessary. Finally, finally, finally we made it to the studio.
I took a deep breath as I looked at the building. It was funky
looking, very modern. Craig had certainly lucked out. We walked inside and
Craig checked us in before taking me back to a large room. There were tons
of props and "settings" strewn around everywhere, it was obvious someone
had just finished up in there and forgotten to organize.
"Ellie, this is Tasha, Nicole, and Breck. They do makeup, styling,
and hair so they're going to be helping you while I set up the place."
Oh great. I got to have my own personal crew to help me look
presentable. I gave them a friendly (or as friendly as I could manage)
smile and followed them into a small room with racks and racks of clothing
and a vanity. Tasha pointed towards the clothes, "You'll be modeling the
summer and fall fashion line for Taylor Ford's HONEY line, mmm-kay?"
Ohmigod. Did she really just say "mmm-kay"? Was that even a word? I bit my
lip to keep myself from laughing and replied back, "mmm-kay."
By the way, what was Craig thinking? Did I look like someone who
modeled a HONEY line? He must be crazy. Although I did see one skirt I
really liked just from glancing. I watched as Tasha painstakingly miss and
matched different clothes to find the right outfit. Finally she handed me a
pair of jeans and a plaid flannel button up with a tank top. Yeah, plaid
flannel can be quite atrocious but this shirt was actually pretty cute. I
put on the jeans- not totally into how super tight they were (cutting off
the circulation to my head isn't my idea of fashion sense) and a little
self-conscious of how I looked in them. Next I tucked my little flannel
shirt into the jeans and checked it out in the mirror. It'd work. Tasha
briskly rolled up the sleeves to make the shirt ¾ sleeve and wrapped this
huge brown belt around my waist, never mind the fact that I'm quite capable
of dressing myself. I tried to ignore my growing annoyance while that
Nicole girl and Breck fixed my makeup and hair- as if it didn't already
look awesome. Seriously, that girl took off all my makeup and then just
fixed it up exactly how I had had it.
"Wow... you look great..." was Craig's response when I walked up to him.
I practically had to will my eyes to stop them from rolling. It was
excruciating, but I did it. "Okay, now just go and sit on that chair. And
just hang out, okay? I'm going to take probably like ten posed pictures and
five candids. So act normal."
Normal? Did Craig realize what was normal to me? Normal was a razor
in my hand, snorting coke, and staring at my ceiling every night trying to
pinpoint the exact moment when my life started to suck. I never could
figure it out, though. I took a seat in the chair and waited for Craig to
finish whatever he was doing. Me just lounging in the chair must have
looked pretty special because Craig's artistic eye went on overdrive and he
just started snapping away. I was a little shocked at first since he hadn't
given me a warning, but, to be honest, I started getting into it. It's nice
to pretend to be someone else once in awhile. Or every day...
I turned to my side and tilted my head back with a little pout. I was
getting pretty good at this. Okay, I was totally flirting with the camera.
I'm sure Craig was loving this. I'd let myself tease his sick little
fantasies a bit more before I became all mopey again.
"Okay, now I need a few of you smiling. Yeah, how about a real
smile."
I grimaced, "It takes a lot to get a real smile from me."
"Well, think of something that makes you smile. Think of how you felt
when you beat out Paige for your co-op."
Okay, that brought a huge smile to my face. Just thinking of how
cocky she had been and seeing her face when Mrs. Suave said my name instead
of hers still made me want to giggle. It served her right- acting like she
was so much better than me, pitying me, trying to sabotage my chances. I
was enjoying reliving this moment in my life that I hadn't even noticed
that Craig had come even closer, doing a few close-up shots.
He stopped suddenly and set his camera on the floor. "You're really
pretty, you know that?"
My mouth dried up and I lowered my eyes. What a jerk. How could he
say something like that? Suddenly, his hand was on my cheek and lifting my
face to his. Oh God... He was going to kiss me. I knew it. I flashed back to
a few years ago... I used to make out with random guys every weekend, one
after the other. I rarely had serious boyfriends. By the time I was ready
to call any of them serious, I would find out that they had been cheating
on me the entire time. What was it like for them? Did they even care about
me or the fact that they were hurting me? Why did I even bother getting
involved with guys when I knew that, in the end, I'd just get hurt? Was
Sean going to be any different... probably not. So why waste any more time?
Before I could even stop myself, I touched my mouth against Craig's
and started to kiss him. It wasn't a passionate kiss or a soul-searching
kiss- nothing compared to Sean- but it was... nice, for lack of a better
word. But as soon as it began, it ended. I pushed Craig away and turned
from him. I was the worst girlfriend in the world. I kissed Craig.
Craig tried to catch my eyes, "What? Why'd you stop?"
I started to get up, "Because that was wrong. I'm not interested in
you at all." I sighed, "Craig, why this sudden interest in me?"
Craig's mouth hung open for awhile, as it frequently does I realized,
"Because... well... you're nice. And you're smart. You're different."
"And I also have a boyfriend. And I care about him a lot and I just
fucked up things real bad. You have no idea... I hope the pictures turn out
okay."
I left him sitting there on the floor watching me as I ran out. I
seriously needed to talk to someone. I couldn't talk to Ashley. This was
Craig! Sean was out of the question, although I'd have to tell him
sometime. I'd talk to Marco. He'd help me out.
Marco's POV
I heard my mom calling my name from downstairs, but I was too busy
organizing my books alphabetically to even care to answer. I was getting
close to the end and had no intention of stopping for even a second. That
is until my door banged open and Ellie rushed in. She looked incredibly
upset and worried. "What's wrong, El?" Immediately I jumped up and went
over to her.
"I messed up. Bad."
"What's wrong? Did something happen?"
She collapsed on my bed. Knowing her, this could be a crisis where
either a split end had appeared (yes, Ellie was so conscious of her hair
that even Paige would be proud. Hell, she beat out Paige in that
department.) or she had heard bad news about her father. She mumbled
something so low I couldn't even understand it. "You're going to have to
repeat that and louder this time."
"I kissed Craig."
I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. That's how I had felt
the first time I heard her and Sean were getting together. I mean, this was
Ellie. This was my soul mate. We were meant for each other and she was
moving on. I knew it wasn't fair to expect her to pine away for me her
entire life while I went out with guys, but I had still felt like I had
lost something. Even though I'm gay, it still hurt me to see Ellie with
another guy. She was all I had ever wanted, but that whole dream became
impossible. But this was something else. This was huge. Ellie had kissed
Craig, and all I could think was that I had specifically warned Craig, but
maybe I should have been warning Ellie.
"You hate me. You can't even look at me. I'm an idiot. A moron. I
deserve to lose everything. What kind of girl in her right mind kisses
another guy when she has someone perfectly good for her?"
I didn't know how to answer. Anyway, she didn't even give me a chance
to. "I'll tell you what kind of girl- someone like me. Someone who messes
up things on purpose because they're so fucking scared of something
actually turning out right for them. Things with Sean were going well,
really well, and I got scared, okay? Nothing ever turns out right for me. I
always end up getting hurt. I figured, if I was the one who ended it, I
wouldn't be hurt, right?"
"I don't kn-"
"It doesn't even matter, though. You know? It's not like Sean and I
were destined to last. I mean, we would eventually break up and I'd be
heartbroken and he'd find himself another girl. I mean, it's not like I
even actually cared for him that much, right? He was just someone to have
fun with. Just a little high-school relationship. It's not like I was
falling for him or anything. Because that would be crazy, right? I mean,
this is me. And he's Sean. We're not supposed to be together. It's against
world order. It totally breaks logic. Ellie plus anyone equals disaster.
Who wants that fairytale ending, anyway? Right? It's so cliché. It's not
like I was drawing little hearts over all my notebooks with our initials
and stuff in them. Okay, so I did in like a few notebooks, but they don't
count. I mean, class was totally boring, so I had to entertain myself by
doing something. I'm just not the kind of girl who does this. I don't think
about what Sean would like me to wear each day or if Sean thinks I look
better in pigtails or a ponytail or whether or not Sean likes chocolate
chip or peanut butter cookies better. Because I'm not baking him cookies,
mind you. Except for that one time, but I was initially baking them for
myself when I realized that maybe I shouldn't be eating cookies, so I had
to do something with them so I gave them to him. That's the only reason why
I ever baked him cookies. That and because he needed a little reward for
how well he's doing in school. Did you know he aced his last two tests?
He's really working hard, and I'm so proud of him because before he was
practically failing every class and you know how I am about grades. I turn
into some sort of monster when it comes to school and he knows this, but he
puts up with it. And no one else would ever put up with half the shit I've
done except for him. So it kind of hurts that I've let him down by doing
this horrible thing by kissing Craig. I didn't even want to kiss Craig. It
just kind of happened. And it was over after like two seconds. So it's not
really even a real kiss, you know? It was like a friendly little peck. It
doesn't even count. So maybe I shouldn't be getting so worked up about
this..."
I just started laughing. Ellie was pacing around my room like a
madwoman. I couldn't help it. I'd seen her worked up over a lot of things,
but this took the cake. It was so painfully obvious to anyone else that
Ellie was hopelessly in love with Sean and vice versa. The only ones who
didn't see this were the two themselves. And deep down I knew that if Ellie
just explained to Sean what happened, most likely he'd forgive her in an
instant. Ellie stopped ranting and looked at me... okay, more like glaring.
"What are you doing?" She cried.
"I'm laughing. You're being so dramatic right now, do you know that?"
I stood up from my spot on the bed and walked over to her, before she
completely ruined the book she was bending in her hands. Ah, Catcher in the
Rye. Wait, how had I missed that one before? It should have been put on the
shelf along time ago... God, what was I thinking? Ellie was ready to have a
nervous breakdown here and I'm worrying about whether or not I'd be able to
pry the book away from her hands. After I saw the desperate and wild look
in her eyes, I figured I'd just let her demolish the book. I could always
buy a new one.
Ellie furiously threw the book down to the floor. "Okay, for once can
you not laugh at me or tell me I'm dramatic. I'm having a really hard time
right now, and all you can do is make fun of me. We're supposed to be best
friends, compadres, amigos... get it? I complain to you about how sucky my
life is, and you find out a way to make it all better. That's how this
relationship works. Now will you please help me find out a solution as to
what the hell I'm going to do next?"
I picked the book up off the floor and calmly shelved it with the
rest. "Ellie, amigo, compadre... what you are going to do is tell Sean what
happened. Just tell him. And then tell him it was a mistake, you didn't
mean to, it meant nothing... basically everything you just told me."
"I know this Marco, but I need a back-up plan. I mean, what if he
totally rips me apart and tells me he hates me? I need some other way to
get him back."
I gave her a look, "I thought you didn't really like him that much?"
Ellie crossed her arms and pouted a little as she looked at the
ground, "Okay... so I like him a little more than I'm letting on. But... just a
little."
"Whatever. You're completely infatuated with him. In love. Ellie Nash
is in love." I joked. I knew she wouldn't find this funny, but I was living
dangerously these days.
As if on cue, Ellie flung herself at me and knocked me down. We
pretend wrestled for a bit until I realized that maybe she wasn't all just
playing when she started to knee me in places that weren't meant to be
kneed. I gasped and covered myself while she rolled over onto her back-
with an angry sigh, of course. "You think you are so funny, Del Rossi. My
life is ending as we speak."
"Oh, I didn't realize Sean was your life."
Ellie rolled over onto her stomach and buried her head into the
carpet, talking the entire time. I didn't have the heart to tell her I
couldn't understand a muffled word she was saying. Finally she turned her
face to look at me and I realized she had some fresh tears in her eyes.
"I'm really scared, Marco. I didn't realize how much I cared for Sean until
I decided to throw it away."
I wiped a tear from her eye. "You know what they say, Elle. You
don't' know what you have until it's gone." After I said those words, I
realized that maybe they weren't so comforting. They sorta implied that
Ellie would, in fact, be losing Sean. I shook my head and got help, lending
a hand to her, "You're going to have to tell him, Ellie. Now would probably
be the best time."
Ellie accepted my hand and I helped her up. She let out a deep breath
and gave me a sad smile. "I guess so. I'll call you later, Marco."
"I'll be waiting."
"Thanks, Marco."
She gave me a huge hug and I rubbed her back as I buried my head into her
hair. "Hey, no problem, Ellie. I'd do anything for you."
She pulled back and walked towards the door. "Ditto," she called back over
her shoulder. I grinned and watched from my window as she started to walk
down the street in the direction of Sean's house. I have to admit, I was
pretty worried. Part of me felt that Sean wasn't going to take it as well
as I led her to believe. But then again, the other part, it told me that
Sean was in love with Ellie and would understand. I hoped that part was
true.
Sean's POV
"In a second!" I bellowed as knocks sounded on my door for the fifth
time. Didn't anyone understand that some people take showers around here? I
wrapped a ratty old towel around my waist, completely ignoring the new,
fluffy towels Ellie had brought over. I mean, come on, they were pink... I
still have some dignity left.
I undid the locks on my door and opened it. Ellie stood there, her
arms wrapped around her, and looking totally disheveled. I wondered if she
had had another run in with Amy. She stepped in without saying a word, not
even meeting my eye. "Ellie? Are you okay?"
She laughed softly. "You've been saying that a lot lately, haven't
you? Jesus Christ..." Her voice died down and bit her lip.
Now she was starting to scare me. "Come on, El. What's going on?"
"Okay, I'm just going to say it. But you're not going to like it.
Pretty much you'll probably hate me. But just know that I'm sorry..."
"What is it?" I asked impatiently.
"I kissed Craig." She finally looked me in the eye and I felt all the
air go out of my stomach. Did I really just hear her right? Did she
actually say that she kissed Craig? She cheated on me?
I looked away from her. How could she do that to me? "You slut," I
spat at her before walking across the room and opening the door to the
porch. "Get out."
Ellie let out the breath she had been holding, I guess while waiting
for my response. "I deserve that. I deserve worse than that. But hear me
out."
"I don't have to listen to a single damn word you say."
"Actually you do. If you cared about me at all you would let me
explain. I'm sorry. I don't know why I did it. I just did. And it meant
nothing. It lasted a second, if that."
I laughed dryly, "Same difference. You kissed Craig. It doesn't
matter how long it lasted, you still did it. You're still a cheater. I
can't believe after all the shit from you that I've put up with, this is
how you repay me."
"That's not fair, Sean. Just listen!"
"I heard you! You're sorry! That doesn't erase what happened, "I
screamed at her. She flinched and backed away from me. Good. I liked
scaring her. I didn't care that all these conflicting emotions were arising
in me. I wanted more than anything to tell her it was okay and hug her, but
I couldn't just let her get away with this. She had to learn a lesson.
"I know it doesn't," How the hell was she staying so calm while I was
breaking down? "But I am sorry. And it'll never happen again. And I hate
myself for doing this to you. But you need to forgive me. We need to make
this work. You don't understand how much I need-"
"Shut the hell up, you bitch. You think just because you waltz in
here, bat your eyelashes, and tell me it'll never happen again, that I can
just forgive you? You betrayed me. You kissed another guy- a guy who used
to be my best friend. I can never forget that. How can I look at you
again?"
"Because we care about each other a lot. Because you want it to work
just as much as I do. Tell me you want this to work."
I shook my head and watched the hopeful look on her face turn
crestfallen. Why couldn't the words in my head just come out? Why was I
saying all these horrible things to her when I was thinking about how much
I wanted to just be with her.
"Please Sean. That kiss meant nothing. It meant nothing and you mean
everything."
"You don't mean shit to me." There. I said it. I knew that would hurt
her more than anything and it did. She choked back a sob before running out
of my house defeated. How could I have just lied to her? She meant the
world to me.
When I went to bed that night, all I could think of was what went
wrong. We had been so happy and then all of a sudden things just started to
unravel. I think it started with that phone call from her dad, telling her
it was a much worse war than they thought. That he'd be staying longer.
Then she just started being so over controlling. She made schedules for me
as to when I would study and when I could take a two-minute break to
stretch and when I could take my fifteen-minute dinner break. She started
to organize my locker, my room, my closet, everything. She alphabetized the
three boxes of cereal in my pantry. She'd make lists of everything I was
going to do on Saturday and Sunday and Monday. Then she went psycho on me
that one night in her room. Throwing perfume at me and then showing up at
my house during the party and beating Amy up. It was like she wasn't the
same Ellie I had seen during the detention. She was obsessive-compulsive
and neurotic and everything that I had always disliked. She wasn't laid-
back and carefree as I had thought. Shit, she was worse than Emma.
But still she had been the epitome of what was perfect. She had all
the answers to every question. She got straight A's, she could go to
school, then to a co-op, and still find time to obsess over my life before
going back to hers, she was the best friend anyone could have. She was
beautiful and mysterious and a genius and I couldn't believe that she would
want to waste her time on a loser like me. I had almost started to idol her
and then she shows me that maybe she isn't as perfect as I thought. And
that tore at me. I had built up this huge impression of her and now it was
being ripped apart.
I put my hands behind my head and stared at the ceiling. Maybe I had
been too hard on her. I mean, she had had the balls to come and tell me to
my face what she did. I had to give her that. She didn't try and hide it
from me. That took a lot of courage, especially since she knew how bad my
temper could be. Plus, she put up with a lot from me. I mean... I steal
things, I hang out with people like Jay and Towerz, I drink too much, I
punched a hole in my wall during an argument with her over my grades one
night, I made her bail me out of jail... all of a sudden, realizing all these
things I had done and she had put up with, made me realize what an idiot I
had been. Here she was, taking care of me, giving me fucking towels,
tutoring with me, helping me get A's in school and earning respect from
teachers, and I'm breaking up with her because she kissed Craig.
I hopped out of bed and threw some clothes on. I wasn't going to let
things end between Ellie and I. I needed her too damn much to let her get
away. I was going to go to her house tonight and show her how much I cared
about her. Hopefully she'd take me back.
Thanks for all the wonderful reviews! Hopefully I haven't let down any Sean/Ellie shippers! I'll be updating real soon.