Author's Note: This was inspired by the TV Guide mention of the Catherine/Nick romance angle that was originally in the premiere episode of CSI. If the scene had not been cut, what kind of relationship would Nick and Catherine have?
She awakes in his arms, not for the first time. She tries to remove herself from his embrace, only to find him tightening his arms around her. Even in slumber, he tries to hold on to her.
She closes her eyes and tries to pretend. Pretend that this is what it isn't. Her choice of poison. Her choice of torture. In her mind, she is twisting what she has and makes it unrecognizable. Making it impure. Tainted.
She once felt that she was good. Her days of cocaine-snorting, stripping, and random sex were now over. She was now doing something worthwhile. Something that protected people, made them feel safe in their own home. But she couldn't hide herself under that layer of goodness. Couldn't wrap it around her and disguise herself as one of the good guys. Ed had always known who she was - what she was.
And as she felt the arms encircled around her, she realized that he had no clue as to what she was really. And it sickened her that he whispered terms of endearment and meant it. Made hersick when he told her he loved her, and couldn't imagine a day without her.
She had only slept with him to make herself feel better. She couldn't tell him that. Even though she didn't love him, she was fond of him. He was good. Pure. Innocent. Everything that she wasn't, but aspired to be.
When they first fell into bed together, it had been a moment of pure spontaneity. They were on a high after solving a case. Running on pure adrenaline and giddy with happiness. After finishing off a bottle of expensive champagne and eating a gourmet dinner, she had seen the look in his eyes, one that was not unfamiliar to her while she had been twisting her body around those poles oh those many years ago. And she fed on it. The attention, the want and need. She ate it up like it was something she needed out of necessity and he gladly gave it. Willingly. Freely. Just for a moment with the taste of her in his mouth and the touch of her skin on his body.
It had been a one-night stand that tuned into many. Something that she hadn't believed was possible.
If it was just the sex, she could have handled it. She could have enjoyed it for what it was and moved on, leaving him unscathed in the process. But now, it had gone on too long and too far. And unlike her habits in the past, this one wasn't going to do damage to just her.
"What are you thinking?" he asks her, finally noticing that she's awake.
She twists her head around to meet his eyes and rewards him with a slight smile. "Nothing important. Go back to sleep Nick."
His smile is like the sun. He kisses her cheek as he snuggles against her. "Love you Catherine," he says.
"Love you too Nick," she says, wishing that someday she could say it and mean it. She at least owed him that much.