Chapter 19: It's Not So Easy
Ellie's POV
I sat in front of the computer and quickly typed in the password for yearbook. I had so much to do it was crazy. Thank God Caitlin had given me the day off so I could get caught up. It was nice to have an adult around who was so understanding.
"Hey Ellie," Liberty put her backpack down at the computer next to mine and took a seat. It looked like I wasn't the only one who had the idea to work on yearbook this afternoon.
"Hi, Liberty," I offered a friendly smile although I wasn't feeling so completely friendly. I had been a nervous wreck all day- feeling sick and gross, being irritable. It was a wonder I had any friends left after the monster I had been that day.
"The yearbook is going to be great this year. Hopefully next year I can be an editor like you," Liberty's fingers skimmed over the keyboard and I couldn't tear myself away from staring at them. It sort of bugged me at how slow of a typer she was.
I shook my head hard, "Huh? Oh... well, it's not all it's cracked up to be. Believe me. It's a lot of work." I opened the picture collage I was currently working on and started to add pictures to it from the files. Something was off... maybe if I tilted the picture just a little... there. Perfect.
Liberty shrugged, "Well, I'm used to hard work. That's a really cute picture of you and Marco."
"I feel like such a jerk putting it in here- so big and the center of attention, you know? But it is a really good picture. Craig did a nice job."
I grinned as I looked at the picture. I remembered that day. It had been about a month ago during this field day the school had in honor of the gymnastics team's rank in some meet. Marco and I had been sitting on the school steps and eating ice-cream cones when Craig had asked to take our picture. Marco had thrown his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close and we had held up our ice cream. I noticed with satisfaction that I had had a good hair day that day.
My thoughts were broken by the door to the yearbook room banging open. I looked up and watched as Manny Santos strolled in. Good thing Ashley wasn't helping me or just hanging around, she'd freak out. I watched the girl as she unzipped her backpack and started to search through it. Of course, no one knew that I secretly felt for the poor girl. I mean, sure she had hurt Ashley, but it wasn't all her fault. It takes three for a love triangle to form. Plus, the whole ordeal with her pregnancy was so embarrassing. I still couldn't get over watching Ashley as she announced in front of the whole cafeteria that Manny was pregnant. It sickened me that I was friends with someone who could do that. I should have stopped her, but I had no idea she was going to do that.
"Ellie?" Manny was standing in front of me, holding out an envelope.
I blinked at the envelope a few times before taking it from her hands. "What's this?" I questioned.
"Their pictures from a gymnastics meet and a few from cheerleading. Kimberly said that you guys needed some for yearbook," She shifted her gaze from the envelope to the computer to the floor. She couldn't even look at me.
"Thanks," I started sorting through the pictures. "These are great. If you can wait just a second, I'll hurry and scan them in so you can take them." I pushed my feet off the ground and rolled over in my chair to where the scanner was. "It should only take a minute."
Manny sat down in a chair next to me, "That's okay. It's not like I have anywhere to be."
I glanced at her and then put a picture into the scanner and started the program. There was a heavy awkward silence between us as we listened to the scanner do its work. Liberty broke the moment by asking Manny how things with JT were. That's right, those two had hooked up recently.
Manny blushed and looked down at her hands, which were placed in her lap. "We're fine," was all she offered. Liberty started blabbing on about how she had helped them get together and blah, blah, blah. I noticed as Manny rolled her eyes the same time I did. She noticed too. We looked at each other and laughed silently. Liberty could be soooo annoying.
After I finished with the pictures, I handed them back to her. "Here you go. Thanks again."
Manny gave me another smile, "Anytime. Bye. Bye Liberty." She waved and walked out of the door.
Well... that was... uncomfortable.
I rolled back over to my computer and got back to work. I had completed four pages when my cell phone rang. That must be Sean. Or Marco. I checked the caller I.D.
"Dad?" I greeted. It had been over a week since he left.
"Ellie? Aw, reception is terrible! Can you hear me?" His voice sounded tinny and was breaking up a little.
"Sort of. What's going on?"
"Well, I have good news. I worked really hard so that I could come home faster, but it looks like I'll only be able to make it by Friday. But that means I can see you off on your way to your dance!"
"That's great! You'll get to see my dress for homecoming!" I leaned back in the chair and smiled my first real smile of the day. This was so great. Even though I was still a tiny bit mad at my dad for his rude disappearance, I couldn't wait to see him. It seemed like he was really making an effort to make it up to me.
"Wonderful! How about I pick you up some nice jewelry to go along with it? It'll be my present to you since I left so abruptly."
I knew what this present would mean. It would mean that I forget all about how he left me and let him think that what he did was okay. That it was acceptable and I didn't mind. I knew I should have just told him to forget about the stupid jewelry, but I couldn't be mean to my dad. It was impossible, especially when he was so endearing. "Thanks, dad. I'll see you soon."
"Bye, pumpkin."
We hung up but I kept the phone up to my ear for a bit longer. This was my only real connection to my father. I didn't even have a connection to my mom. My grip on the phone tightened and I hurried and set it down before I broke it. My mom... Where the hell was she?
"Okay, so Pip left for England and now he's all 'i'm-better-than-you' to Joe?" Sean asked. He gave me a confused look and flipped through his copy of Great Expectations as if he was going to find the answer highlighted for him or something.
"Sean, I already told you this! Yes, that's pretty much what happened. He's embarrassed of where he came from, who he really is, blah, blah, blah... Just... how about you actually read the story? That might help," I was starting to get sarcastic, but seriously... Sean expected me to give him all the answers, all the time. I had my own homework to worry about.
"You don't have to get all bitchy about it. What's with you? This whole week you've been ripping on me about everything. Are you PMSing or something?"
I flung myself backwards on the couch so I was lying down and covered my face with my hands. I wish... "No! I'm just stressed out, okay? And you constantly needing my help with everything is not helping me."
"Sorry. You offer to help me, you basically force me to listen to you go on and on about what symbolism is shown in the book or how you tell an invertebrate from a vertebrate, and now, when I really need your help, you won't. I can't help but get confused with you."
"Oh, stop exaggerating!" I spat. I turned on my side facing the back of the couch and buried my face into the pillows. I was so sick of school and home and Sean. I just wanted everything to be normal.
"Yeah, well, inform me when you decide to act like my girlfriend again," Sean grabbed his phone and went into his bedroom.
He was probably going to call Jay. Err! How could he possibly listen to that twit talk? What did they even have to say to each other? Why didn't Sean just talk to me about whatever it was he talked to Jay about? I tiptoed to the door and put my ear against it, hoping to catch a bit of the conversation. I could hear Sean's muffled voice and a "yo" and "yeah" here and there. What was Sean agreeing to?
Wait, I heard my name. I leaned in closer to the door, straining to hear something clear. Suddenly the door flew open and I fell on my face. Sean stood in front of me, one hand holding the phone to his ear and the other on the doorknob. I gave a shaky smile up at him and brushed myself off. I had just officially become the jealous girlfriend.
As I walked up my driveway later that night, something felt off. I wasn't sure was it was, but I stopped in my tracks and looked around. Everything seemed fine, exactly how I left it. I shrugged it off. I must have been freaking out over the conversation Sean and I had just had. He was beginning to think that maybe we should have a little more space between us.
What exactly did he mean by space? Was I being clingy or something? I didn't think so. I was doing everything a good girlfriend should be doing- helping him with homework, listening to him when he- nevermind, he never talked to me-, supporting him when he told Mr.Simpson how he stole the laptop... I was there for him through everything. And now he wants space? That word made me sick.
Of course he assured me that it wasn't like we were breaking up or anything. He was adamant about staying together as a couple. He just wanted more time with the boys. Right, because last time he had quality boy time, he had ended up in jail. That sounded real enticing.
I took my house key out from my bag and slipped it into the lock. The door was already unlocked though. I could have sworn I had locked it this morning on my way to school. Maybe I hadn't... I closed the door behind me and threw my bag next to the couch. Okay, something was way off. What was that smell? I sniffed the air and a light floral scent wafted by. Tears pricked behind my eyes. It reminded me of my mom. Wait a second...
"Mom?!"
Elisabeth Nash
My hand clinged to the edge of the kitchen sink. I had expected her home earlier. I wasn't ready now. I was caught off guard. I looked at her and the expression on her face made me wince in pain. She looked confused, angry, hurt, and scared. And why shouldn't she? Her mother had abandoned her and now was back in her life.
I let go of the sink and took a step towards her. Maybe if I just explained to her what had happened. If I could only get her to listen to my side of the story. "Ellie," my mouth was dry and my throat was scratchy. I could barely choke out her name without tears spilling over onto my cheeks.
She shook her head and looked away. She had a right to be angry. Did I actually expect her to run to me and hug me and tell me everything was okay? That it was okay that I left her alone without telling her where I was? But maybe if she knew the truth- how I was better now- then maybe she'd forgive me.
"I'm sorry," I whispered so softly that even I could barely hear it. I took a few more steps closer to her. She didn't move. I took that as a good sign. "If you'll just let me explain..."
"Explain what?" Ellie hissed. "Explain how huge of a bitch you are for doing this to me? Do you even realize what life has been like for me? Taking care of you, making sure you're okay, losing you? You're crazy if you think I want to hear a damn word out of your mouth."
I deserved that. I deserved everything she said to me and would say to me. My mouth opened and closed. Where did I begin? Ellie let out a sigh of frustration and started up the stairs. When she got halfway up, she stopped and looked over her shoulder. "Where were you?"
I swallowed hard and my eyes searched for hers. "I went to therapy. I got help."
"Don't you think it's a little too late? I mean, the damage is already done."
I wiped at the tears flowing out of my eyes. She was so right. "I know what I did was wrong. I know I've been a horrible mother to you. But I'm trying to make it better. I got help. I am better. I can control myself. I can-"
"Just... don't... I don't want to hear anything. I'm tired."
She trudged up the stairs and I told myself to go follow her, but I knew she needed time alone. She needed to think if whether or not she could trust me. I sat back down at the table and looked at the liquor cabinet. It was empty. I had thrown everything away. I didn't care what it took. I was going to prove to Ellie that I was a good mother.
Sean's POV
I woke up, startled by the phone. I looked down and realized I must have fallen asleep while studying for my history quiz. I yawned and grabbed the phone. I wondered what time it was.
"Hello?" my voice was still sleepy.
"Sean? I really need to talk."
It was Ellie. She sounded upset. I walked over to the couch and sat down, ready for a long conversation. "What is it?"
"My mom."
What the hell did her mom do to her now? I clenched my fist and prepared to hear bad news.
"She came home," Ellie explained.
That was it? That didn't sound so bad. "And?" I prompted.
"Listen, I lied before. My mom was never away on business. She just left one day. She didn't tell me she was going or where she was going or when she was coming home. She just left. And now she's back. Sean, I don't know what to do."
"Woah, woah, woah. Ellie calm down. Tell me this again," I couldn't believe what I was hearing. What did she mean her mom just... left?
Ellie was hysterical. "Sean, she just left! I mean- I had no idea and I didn't know what to do. So I just went on with my life. Now, she's back and she says she's better, but I don't know-"
I could tell she was near tears. "Ellie, settle down. Start from the beginning, okay? Just... add in a few more details because I'm really not getting this."
I listened as Ellie told me the whole story of finding her mom's things gone, the note, and realizing her mom had left. My stomach twisted with each detail. How could her mom do something like that to her? And how come I hadn't figured this out earlier?
I felt bad because I had just yelled at Ellie before for crowding me too much. It wasn't necessarily that she was crowding me, but she was always upset or stressed out or just pissed off. She was always placing all her problems on me, and I had enough problems of my own. Now I realized how selfish I had been. Here she was, crying her heart out over the phone, and I didn't even know what to say. Sure, my parents had been shitty, but I was the one who left them. Not the other way around. Part of me wondered how Ellie had survived without her parents, the other part knew that she was the one who did most of the taking care of.
Ellie let out one of her little sighs over the line. It wasn't a normal one- this kind I had grown used to. It was the kind she let out when she felt completely out of control. I knew that that sigh could lead to greater things later on. Like a razorblade slicing through her arm. "Ellie, I'm going to come over, okay?"
"You can't. I don't want you to see her."
"Ellie, I've seen your mom completely trashed and passed out on the couch. I think I can handle her sober."
I didn't even have to ring the doorbell or knock. Ellie ripped the door open and closed it behind her. "My mom's in her room. I think she went to bed, but I don't want to risk it. Let's just take a walk." My heart pounded as she grabbed my hand and started to pull me off of the porch. I wasn't used to handling things this serious.
"Are you doing better?" That sounded like such a stupid thing to ask. As if some huge event had happened since I got off the phone with her to make her all better. She looked up at me and shook her head no. I knew she probably couldn't speak without threatening to cry. I let it go. I didn't want to push her.
We walked in silence for a while, just enjoying the nearness of each other. Once in awhile she'd squeeze my hand affectionately and I'd squeeze it back. We ended up at a bench near what I figured was her mom's garden. I sat down on it and pulled Ellie onto my lap.
"Thanks," she whispered after a few minutes.
I squeezed my arms around her waist, "No problem."
"I feel so stupid. I can never do anything right. I want to forgive her, but it's just so hard to forget what she's done to me."
"I understand. I always tried to forgive my parents, but it was difficult. I'd keep remembering the things they'd say to me when they were drunk, how they treated me, how embarrassing it was."
"It's not easy."
"No."
She shifted her weight and leaned her head against mine. "I'm glad you can understand a bit where I'm coming from. I know you wanted to cool things off between us, but I just didn't know who else to talk to. You know what it's like."
"No, I'm glad you called me. I didn't really mean what I said before. I'm just- you know, confused. I don't want to push you away." And I meant it. I was starting to figure out things. Like how I liked that she needed me sometimes. And that she depended on me for some stuff. Like advice about her parents.
I held Ellie for another hour before she told me I should get home and get some rest. I smiled when she started to fuss over how tired I was going to be the next morning and how I needed sleep for my quiz. Even when she felt like her world was falling apart, she was trying to fix mine. She hugged me and started to go back inside her house, but I grabbed her arm.
"Where do you think you're going?" She turned back surprised and I caught her mouth with mine. She kissed me back and we just clung to each other, not wanting to be the first to let go. Finally she pulled away and put a hand on the doorknob.
"Go to bed, "she scolded lightly and then disappeared inside.
I stared at the closed door for a second before starting my walk back home. It was late and a pissed-off mood was inevitable for tomorrow. That seemed the least of my problems, though. First I had to worry about Ellie and wonder whether or not I had stopped her need for anything sharp.
Ellie's POV
I stared at my alarm clock, just waiting for it to go off. It did and I took it and threw it against the wall. There. Take that. Not like I had needed it anyway. I hadn't slept at all. I had stayed up wondering if my mother was really home or if she was asleep in her bedroom or packing or if she had snuck downstairs for a drink. I heard the shower early that morning and figured that it hadn't been just a nightmare. My mom was seriously back home.
I got out of bed and walked into the hall and downstairs. I sat on one of the steps and just watched my mom in the kitchen. She was busy making pancakes. Like pancakes would make up for it all. She was just like my dad. I didn't even like pancakes. If she even knew me, she'd realize that I hate breakfast and it makes me sick if I eat it. She cast a worried look up towards the stairs and caught sight of me.
"Ellie! I didn't know you were up."
"I always get up at this time. Did you know that? Well, now you do." I pulled myself up and held on tight to the banister. "By the way, food this early makes me want to vomit. So, just save it."
I ran upstairs to quickly get ready and get the hell out of this school. On my way down, my plan to just breeze on by her and out the door failed miserably. She was standing guard at the doorway, obviously on to my idea. "Nice try," she smirked with her hands on her hips.
I looked up at her and set my mouth in a grim line. She sighed and dropped her hands to her side. "I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry. I really am. If I could take back what I did, I would. I would have told you I was going to therapy. But I was upset and confused and I wasn't thinking straight. I just knew I needed help. But I admit what I did was wrong."
I contemplated what she was saying. She did look sincere... God, why was I such a forgiving person? I let people walk all over me and then practically reward them for it. Not this time. "Will you please move out of my way?" I asked stiffly.
She obliged and I put a hand on the knob. I didn't turn it though. Instead, I turned back around. She was turned away from me but her shoulders were shaking slightly. I couldn't do it. I couldn't stand there and watch my mom cry. I let my backpack fall from my grasp and put a hand on her shoulder. She turned back around towards me and I let her cry on my shoulder. She just kept saying how sorry she was over and over. I rubbed her back and told her it was okay. It was all going to be okay. This time, maybe it really would.
Ellie's POV
I sat in front of the computer and quickly typed in the password for yearbook. I had so much to do it was crazy. Thank God Caitlin had given me the day off so I could get caught up. It was nice to have an adult around who was so understanding.
"Hey Ellie," Liberty put her backpack down at the computer next to mine and took a seat. It looked like I wasn't the only one who had the idea to work on yearbook this afternoon.
"Hi, Liberty," I offered a friendly smile although I wasn't feeling so completely friendly. I had been a nervous wreck all day- feeling sick and gross, being irritable. It was a wonder I had any friends left after the monster I had been that day.
"The yearbook is going to be great this year. Hopefully next year I can be an editor like you," Liberty's fingers skimmed over the keyboard and I couldn't tear myself away from staring at them. It sort of bugged me at how slow of a typer she was.
I shook my head hard, "Huh? Oh... well, it's not all it's cracked up to be. Believe me. It's a lot of work." I opened the picture collage I was currently working on and started to add pictures to it from the files. Something was off... maybe if I tilted the picture just a little... there. Perfect.
Liberty shrugged, "Well, I'm used to hard work. That's a really cute picture of you and Marco."
"I feel like such a jerk putting it in here- so big and the center of attention, you know? But it is a really good picture. Craig did a nice job."
I grinned as I looked at the picture. I remembered that day. It had been about a month ago during this field day the school had in honor of the gymnastics team's rank in some meet. Marco and I had been sitting on the school steps and eating ice-cream cones when Craig had asked to take our picture. Marco had thrown his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close and we had held up our ice cream. I noticed with satisfaction that I had had a good hair day that day.
My thoughts were broken by the door to the yearbook room banging open. I looked up and watched as Manny Santos strolled in. Good thing Ashley wasn't helping me or just hanging around, she'd freak out. I watched the girl as she unzipped her backpack and started to search through it. Of course, no one knew that I secretly felt for the poor girl. I mean, sure she had hurt Ashley, but it wasn't all her fault. It takes three for a love triangle to form. Plus, the whole ordeal with her pregnancy was so embarrassing. I still couldn't get over watching Ashley as she announced in front of the whole cafeteria that Manny was pregnant. It sickened me that I was friends with someone who could do that. I should have stopped her, but I had no idea she was going to do that.
"Ellie?" Manny was standing in front of me, holding out an envelope.
I blinked at the envelope a few times before taking it from her hands. "What's this?" I questioned.
"Their pictures from a gymnastics meet and a few from cheerleading. Kimberly said that you guys needed some for yearbook," She shifted her gaze from the envelope to the computer to the floor. She couldn't even look at me.
"Thanks," I started sorting through the pictures. "These are great. If you can wait just a second, I'll hurry and scan them in so you can take them." I pushed my feet off the ground and rolled over in my chair to where the scanner was. "It should only take a minute."
Manny sat down in a chair next to me, "That's okay. It's not like I have anywhere to be."
I glanced at her and then put a picture into the scanner and started the program. There was a heavy awkward silence between us as we listened to the scanner do its work. Liberty broke the moment by asking Manny how things with JT were. That's right, those two had hooked up recently.
Manny blushed and looked down at her hands, which were placed in her lap. "We're fine," was all she offered. Liberty started blabbing on about how she had helped them get together and blah, blah, blah. I noticed as Manny rolled her eyes the same time I did. She noticed too. We looked at each other and laughed silently. Liberty could be soooo annoying.
After I finished with the pictures, I handed them back to her. "Here you go. Thanks again."
Manny gave me another smile, "Anytime. Bye. Bye Liberty." She waved and walked out of the door.
Well... that was... uncomfortable.
I rolled back over to my computer and got back to work. I had completed four pages when my cell phone rang. That must be Sean. Or Marco. I checked the caller I.D.
"Dad?" I greeted. It had been over a week since he left.
"Ellie? Aw, reception is terrible! Can you hear me?" His voice sounded tinny and was breaking up a little.
"Sort of. What's going on?"
"Well, I have good news. I worked really hard so that I could come home faster, but it looks like I'll only be able to make it by Friday. But that means I can see you off on your way to your dance!"
"That's great! You'll get to see my dress for homecoming!" I leaned back in the chair and smiled my first real smile of the day. This was so great. Even though I was still a tiny bit mad at my dad for his rude disappearance, I couldn't wait to see him. It seemed like he was really making an effort to make it up to me.
"Wonderful! How about I pick you up some nice jewelry to go along with it? It'll be my present to you since I left so abruptly."
I knew what this present would mean. It would mean that I forget all about how he left me and let him think that what he did was okay. That it was acceptable and I didn't mind. I knew I should have just told him to forget about the stupid jewelry, but I couldn't be mean to my dad. It was impossible, especially when he was so endearing. "Thanks, dad. I'll see you soon."
"Bye, pumpkin."
We hung up but I kept the phone up to my ear for a bit longer. This was my only real connection to my father. I didn't even have a connection to my mom. My grip on the phone tightened and I hurried and set it down before I broke it. My mom... Where the hell was she?
"Okay, so Pip left for England and now he's all 'i'm-better-than-you' to Joe?" Sean asked. He gave me a confused look and flipped through his copy of Great Expectations as if he was going to find the answer highlighted for him or something.
"Sean, I already told you this! Yes, that's pretty much what happened. He's embarrassed of where he came from, who he really is, blah, blah, blah... Just... how about you actually read the story? That might help," I was starting to get sarcastic, but seriously... Sean expected me to give him all the answers, all the time. I had my own homework to worry about.
"You don't have to get all bitchy about it. What's with you? This whole week you've been ripping on me about everything. Are you PMSing or something?"
I flung myself backwards on the couch so I was lying down and covered my face with my hands. I wish... "No! I'm just stressed out, okay? And you constantly needing my help with everything is not helping me."
"Sorry. You offer to help me, you basically force me to listen to you go on and on about what symbolism is shown in the book or how you tell an invertebrate from a vertebrate, and now, when I really need your help, you won't. I can't help but get confused with you."
"Oh, stop exaggerating!" I spat. I turned on my side facing the back of the couch and buried my face into the pillows. I was so sick of school and home and Sean. I just wanted everything to be normal.
"Yeah, well, inform me when you decide to act like my girlfriend again," Sean grabbed his phone and went into his bedroom.
He was probably going to call Jay. Err! How could he possibly listen to that twit talk? What did they even have to say to each other? Why didn't Sean just talk to me about whatever it was he talked to Jay about? I tiptoed to the door and put my ear against it, hoping to catch a bit of the conversation. I could hear Sean's muffled voice and a "yo" and "yeah" here and there. What was Sean agreeing to?
Wait, I heard my name. I leaned in closer to the door, straining to hear something clear. Suddenly the door flew open and I fell on my face. Sean stood in front of me, one hand holding the phone to his ear and the other on the doorknob. I gave a shaky smile up at him and brushed myself off. I had just officially become the jealous girlfriend.
As I walked up my driveway later that night, something felt off. I wasn't sure was it was, but I stopped in my tracks and looked around. Everything seemed fine, exactly how I left it. I shrugged it off. I must have been freaking out over the conversation Sean and I had just had. He was beginning to think that maybe we should have a little more space between us.
What exactly did he mean by space? Was I being clingy or something? I didn't think so. I was doing everything a good girlfriend should be doing- helping him with homework, listening to him when he- nevermind, he never talked to me-, supporting him when he told Mr.Simpson how he stole the laptop... I was there for him through everything. And now he wants space? That word made me sick.
Of course he assured me that it wasn't like we were breaking up or anything. He was adamant about staying together as a couple. He just wanted more time with the boys. Right, because last time he had quality boy time, he had ended up in jail. That sounded real enticing.
I took my house key out from my bag and slipped it into the lock. The door was already unlocked though. I could have sworn I had locked it this morning on my way to school. Maybe I hadn't... I closed the door behind me and threw my bag next to the couch. Okay, something was way off. What was that smell? I sniffed the air and a light floral scent wafted by. Tears pricked behind my eyes. It reminded me of my mom. Wait a second...
"Mom?!"
Elisabeth Nash
My hand clinged to the edge of the kitchen sink. I had expected her home earlier. I wasn't ready now. I was caught off guard. I looked at her and the expression on her face made me wince in pain. She looked confused, angry, hurt, and scared. And why shouldn't she? Her mother had abandoned her and now was back in her life.
I let go of the sink and took a step towards her. Maybe if I just explained to her what had happened. If I could only get her to listen to my side of the story. "Ellie," my mouth was dry and my throat was scratchy. I could barely choke out her name without tears spilling over onto my cheeks.
She shook her head and looked away. She had a right to be angry. Did I actually expect her to run to me and hug me and tell me everything was okay? That it was okay that I left her alone without telling her where I was? But maybe if she knew the truth- how I was better now- then maybe she'd forgive me.
"I'm sorry," I whispered so softly that even I could barely hear it. I took a few more steps closer to her. She didn't move. I took that as a good sign. "If you'll just let me explain..."
"Explain what?" Ellie hissed. "Explain how huge of a bitch you are for doing this to me? Do you even realize what life has been like for me? Taking care of you, making sure you're okay, losing you? You're crazy if you think I want to hear a damn word out of your mouth."
I deserved that. I deserved everything she said to me and would say to me. My mouth opened and closed. Where did I begin? Ellie let out a sigh of frustration and started up the stairs. When she got halfway up, she stopped and looked over her shoulder. "Where were you?"
I swallowed hard and my eyes searched for hers. "I went to therapy. I got help."
"Don't you think it's a little too late? I mean, the damage is already done."
I wiped at the tears flowing out of my eyes. She was so right. "I know what I did was wrong. I know I've been a horrible mother to you. But I'm trying to make it better. I got help. I am better. I can control myself. I can-"
"Just... don't... I don't want to hear anything. I'm tired."
She trudged up the stairs and I told myself to go follow her, but I knew she needed time alone. She needed to think if whether or not she could trust me. I sat back down at the table and looked at the liquor cabinet. It was empty. I had thrown everything away. I didn't care what it took. I was going to prove to Ellie that I was a good mother.
Sean's POV
I woke up, startled by the phone. I looked down and realized I must have fallen asleep while studying for my history quiz. I yawned and grabbed the phone. I wondered what time it was.
"Hello?" my voice was still sleepy.
"Sean? I really need to talk."
It was Ellie. She sounded upset. I walked over to the couch and sat down, ready for a long conversation. "What is it?"
"My mom."
What the hell did her mom do to her now? I clenched my fist and prepared to hear bad news.
"She came home," Ellie explained.
That was it? That didn't sound so bad. "And?" I prompted.
"Listen, I lied before. My mom was never away on business. She just left one day. She didn't tell me she was going or where she was going or when she was coming home. She just left. And now she's back. Sean, I don't know what to do."
"Woah, woah, woah. Ellie calm down. Tell me this again," I couldn't believe what I was hearing. What did she mean her mom just... left?
Ellie was hysterical. "Sean, she just left! I mean- I had no idea and I didn't know what to do. So I just went on with my life. Now, she's back and she says she's better, but I don't know-"
I could tell she was near tears. "Ellie, settle down. Start from the beginning, okay? Just... add in a few more details because I'm really not getting this."
I listened as Ellie told me the whole story of finding her mom's things gone, the note, and realizing her mom had left. My stomach twisted with each detail. How could her mom do something like that to her? And how come I hadn't figured this out earlier?
I felt bad because I had just yelled at Ellie before for crowding me too much. It wasn't necessarily that she was crowding me, but she was always upset or stressed out or just pissed off. She was always placing all her problems on me, and I had enough problems of my own. Now I realized how selfish I had been. Here she was, crying her heart out over the phone, and I didn't even know what to say. Sure, my parents had been shitty, but I was the one who left them. Not the other way around. Part of me wondered how Ellie had survived without her parents, the other part knew that she was the one who did most of the taking care of.
Ellie let out one of her little sighs over the line. It wasn't a normal one- this kind I had grown used to. It was the kind she let out when she felt completely out of control. I knew that that sigh could lead to greater things later on. Like a razorblade slicing through her arm. "Ellie, I'm going to come over, okay?"
"You can't. I don't want you to see her."
"Ellie, I've seen your mom completely trashed and passed out on the couch. I think I can handle her sober."
I didn't even have to ring the doorbell or knock. Ellie ripped the door open and closed it behind her. "My mom's in her room. I think she went to bed, but I don't want to risk it. Let's just take a walk." My heart pounded as she grabbed my hand and started to pull me off of the porch. I wasn't used to handling things this serious.
"Are you doing better?" That sounded like such a stupid thing to ask. As if some huge event had happened since I got off the phone with her to make her all better. She looked up at me and shook her head no. I knew she probably couldn't speak without threatening to cry. I let it go. I didn't want to push her.
We walked in silence for a while, just enjoying the nearness of each other. Once in awhile she'd squeeze my hand affectionately and I'd squeeze it back. We ended up at a bench near what I figured was her mom's garden. I sat down on it and pulled Ellie onto my lap.
"Thanks," she whispered after a few minutes.
I squeezed my arms around her waist, "No problem."
"I feel so stupid. I can never do anything right. I want to forgive her, but it's just so hard to forget what she's done to me."
"I understand. I always tried to forgive my parents, but it was difficult. I'd keep remembering the things they'd say to me when they were drunk, how they treated me, how embarrassing it was."
"It's not easy."
"No."
She shifted her weight and leaned her head against mine. "I'm glad you can understand a bit where I'm coming from. I know you wanted to cool things off between us, but I just didn't know who else to talk to. You know what it's like."
"No, I'm glad you called me. I didn't really mean what I said before. I'm just- you know, confused. I don't want to push you away." And I meant it. I was starting to figure out things. Like how I liked that she needed me sometimes. And that she depended on me for some stuff. Like advice about her parents.
I held Ellie for another hour before she told me I should get home and get some rest. I smiled when she started to fuss over how tired I was going to be the next morning and how I needed sleep for my quiz. Even when she felt like her world was falling apart, she was trying to fix mine. She hugged me and started to go back inside her house, but I grabbed her arm.
"Where do you think you're going?" She turned back surprised and I caught her mouth with mine. She kissed me back and we just clung to each other, not wanting to be the first to let go. Finally she pulled away and put a hand on the doorknob.
"Go to bed, "she scolded lightly and then disappeared inside.
I stared at the closed door for a second before starting my walk back home. It was late and a pissed-off mood was inevitable for tomorrow. That seemed the least of my problems, though. First I had to worry about Ellie and wonder whether or not I had stopped her need for anything sharp.
Ellie's POV
I stared at my alarm clock, just waiting for it to go off. It did and I took it and threw it against the wall. There. Take that. Not like I had needed it anyway. I hadn't slept at all. I had stayed up wondering if my mother was really home or if she was asleep in her bedroom or packing or if she had snuck downstairs for a drink. I heard the shower early that morning and figured that it hadn't been just a nightmare. My mom was seriously back home.
I got out of bed and walked into the hall and downstairs. I sat on one of the steps and just watched my mom in the kitchen. She was busy making pancakes. Like pancakes would make up for it all. She was just like my dad. I didn't even like pancakes. If she even knew me, she'd realize that I hate breakfast and it makes me sick if I eat it. She cast a worried look up towards the stairs and caught sight of me.
"Ellie! I didn't know you were up."
"I always get up at this time. Did you know that? Well, now you do." I pulled myself up and held on tight to the banister. "By the way, food this early makes me want to vomit. So, just save it."
I ran upstairs to quickly get ready and get the hell out of this school. On my way down, my plan to just breeze on by her and out the door failed miserably. She was standing guard at the doorway, obviously on to my idea. "Nice try," she smirked with her hands on her hips.
I looked up at her and set my mouth in a grim line. She sighed and dropped her hands to her side. "I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry. I really am. If I could take back what I did, I would. I would have told you I was going to therapy. But I was upset and confused and I wasn't thinking straight. I just knew I needed help. But I admit what I did was wrong."
I contemplated what she was saying. She did look sincere... God, why was I such a forgiving person? I let people walk all over me and then practically reward them for it. Not this time. "Will you please move out of my way?" I asked stiffly.
She obliged and I put a hand on the knob. I didn't turn it though. Instead, I turned back around. She was turned away from me but her shoulders were shaking slightly. I couldn't do it. I couldn't stand there and watch my mom cry. I let my backpack fall from my grasp and put a hand on her shoulder. She turned back around towards me and I let her cry on my shoulder. She just kept saying how sorry she was over and over. I rubbed her back and told her it was okay. It was all going to be okay. This time, maybe it really would.