XIII.

After breakfast, and a promise to Pop to return soon, they headed over to the mall in North Haverbrook. As they pulled into the parking lot, Dawn looked at the mall. It looked a lot like the Pines Mall they had passed on the way out of Lago Vista.

"So, why this mall? Better prices?"

"Not really. Same stores. Same selection. But they have a better food court here."

She nodded sagely. Trust Xander to know every edible thing on a stick vendor in a five-town radius.

"Besides," he said, gesturing over his shoulder, "they've got the monorail here."

She looked at the weathered track running across one side of the mall parking lot. It looked like the tracks went right up to the upper level of the mall.

"That's cool. Reminds me, I need something short sleeved for Disney."

They hit the stores. Xander had shopped with Willow. He hadn't seen Buffy shop much, but he'd heard the stories, legends really. All paled before the awesome power that was Dawn.

It wasn't that she spent a lot of money, though things started adding up after the first hour or so. It was the way she shopped. She didn't stop in every store, but every store she did stop in had something she wanted, at a reasonable price, in her size. One salesperson tried to sell her last year's shoes and was left, a trembling wreck, after Dawn loudly explained to Xander (and everyone within earshot) what a tragedy it was for a young woman who was accidentally offered last year's styles at this year's prices. It's just too bad they don't have the crème brulé colored Blahniks that would have gone so well with the butter-cream mini in the window across the way… Oh, they did have some, in the back, maybe?

Before they left, Dawn had her shoes (and paid cost, not retail), and a girl had been across the way and fetched that miniskirt, in her size. About four other girls had bought the same shoes, and there was definite buzz in the little shop. The manager figured she'd made up the discount in additional sales before Dawn even left the store.

Every time she slowed down and said, "Maybe next time for this," or "I can't really justify that," Xander would step up.

"That looks great on you, you should have it."

"If you need a jacket, get a jacket. If you like that one and it's a good buy, just get it."

He still had not decided for sure what he was going to do with the ridiculous sum of money he had been given by the insurance company, but he felt a lot better spending some of it on Dawn than on himself. She'd never really had much, and her nicest things had always been hand me downs from her sister. By the time they stopped for lunch at the Mongolian grill by the monorail station, he had at least two shopping bags under each arm and figured he was about 1600 lighter. He felt better than he had in years.

"Xander, there's something I wanted to talk to you about, but I wasn't really sure how to bring it up." She was chasing a lonely peapod around her plate with a chopstick and suddenly had forgotten how to look him in the eye.

"Alright. First, thanks for telling me whatever it is, but take your time. I doubt I'll be surprised or upset by anything you have to say." In his mind, he saw the EPT lying on his bathroom floor, showing a big blue plus sign to the world. He wanted to know everything, but he knew it was not going to be easy for her to tell him. His world seemed to zoom in a bit, and he felt like they were the only ones in the world. Everything else just went away.

"At school, this last semester, there was a boy." Her voice was small, more childlike than she let herself seem lately. In a way it was comforting, this was a Dawn he knew how to relate to.

"Let me guess. Kasey?"

"Yeah. I forgot you heard, this morning. Kenneth Carl Fox, III, actually. But everyone calls him Kasey. He's a frosh at Yale, his sister Emma was at the prep a year behind me. He came around some times."

"Mmm hmmm," said Xander. This was harder to hear than he thought. He was surprised to find out how jealous he was. He tried desperately not to show it. He didn't want to hurt her, ever.

"He was nice. Funny. Not as funny as you, but who is?" She smiled, and then the smile faded. "We went out, started calling, writing. He was cute, and he obviously liked me. The more we were together the more affectionate he got, sending notes. He even sent flowers to me at the dorm, and all the girls were talking about it for days."

"It was flattering, and I liked him. Then, a few weeks ago, Emma was having a big back to school party, and the ones who had graduated and the seniors were invited by their folks to stay the weekend. There were a couple of dozen of us there, and everything was really fun."

She looked at Xander, thinking about what she wanted to say next. She didn't know why she felt compelled to tell him this, but she had to get it all out. She couldn't start fresh with Xander if this was still rattling around in her head, unsaid.

"The last day, Kasey and I went out on the lake, in his little sailboat. Just the two of us. He told me that he loved me, and that he was glad I was done with school because he wanted to see a lot more of me. He had a bottle of wine, and a picnic basket."

Xander saw where this was going.

"I was nervous. I drank some wine, but I didn't eat anything. Ever drink wine on an empty stomach?"

"Unfortunately." He tried to remember the feeling of crawling into a bottle after he left Anya. If he remembered, he might remember to never do it again. If he forgot, it might be tempting when he was down.

"I don't know what it was that made me uncomfortable. We were," she paused, and looked at him with a 'hurts me more than it hurts you' expression. "We were kissing, and he was telling me he loved me. He called me his Rosy-fingered Dawn and said we'd sail the wine-dark sea together. Maybe that's what got me thinking. I can't sail a boat, about all I know is that the pointy end goes in the front, you know?"

"But he was telling me how much he cared about me, and drinking wine out on the lake alone. I'm not too experienced dealing with men, but life and death? We covered them pretty well growing up in Sunnydale. I told him maybe we should go back."

"He got annoyed. He said he wasn't done kissing me yet. He started really kissing me, and things started moving fast. I think I was a little drunk, but that doesn't excuse what happened." She looked down, took a sip of her diet Coke. "I realized that the boat was rocking and the sail thing, the boom or the mast or whatever, was flapping back and forth above us. He was on top of me, and then he was inside me. He was telling me he loved me and he couldn't live another night without having me."

Xander reached out and took her hands in his, but he didn't say anything. He just wanted to be there for her, and he didn't think showing how mad he was at this punk would go over very well right now.

"There was some piece of boat gear, some doohickey, poking into my shoulder, and I kind of focused on it and realized I was almost naked, and told him to stop. I told him again and he just kept moving on me and telling me he loved me."

"I realized at that moment that he didn't care a damn about me. He didn't care that it hurt, and that I wasn't really ready. We hadn't talked at all about protection. Something was digging in my shoulder and I was scared and wanted to go home. And if he didn't care about any of that, then he didn't care about me. And if you are having sex with someone you don't care about, it's not making love. It's not even friendly sex: it's fucking them. And I've been through too much in my life to let some guy fuck me."

"You go, girlfriend," Xander said softly. She almost smiled at him.

"I told him to stop and he said no. So I grabbed whatever it was that was poking me in the shoulder- turns out it was some sort of little pole thing with a metal hook on the end. I don't even know what it was. Some boaty thing no one needs in real life I guess. So I put the hook against his nose so he was staring cross-eyed at it and I said, 'Get off me and take me home, or I'll hang you from this hook on your stupid little boat and SWIM back, got me?' He was so scared I thought he was going to pee. I was too. I thought I had. Peed, I mean. Then I realized it was something else. I guess men's bodies react to fear in a little bit of a different way…"

"He backed off and told me he was sorry, he was so sorry. We could go back to the house and everything was going to be okay and he was so sorry. I was pulling up my clothes and looking for my panties and trying to get cleaned up and he was just going on and on about how much he loved me and how sorry he was."

"What did you tell him?"

"Nothing. He was getting the sail back up and heading us for shore as fast as the wind would take us. The first time we crossed a wave and the boat dipped, I was sick over the side. Mostly over the side. Okay, a little on his deck shoes and the rest over the side."

"Poor Dawnie." He wanted to say a lot more. This was one of those times when he had to not be the talking guy, the nervous joke-making guy. She wasn't done.

"We got back, and I went to my room and tried to get cleaned up. I was scared, and sad, and I wanted to go home. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized, where is home? That giant sinkhole that used to be Sunnydale? Giles' place in England I've never seen? I don't have a home, Xander. I'm like one of those character's in Lit they make us write about, a woman without country."

"You have a home, Dawn, always. Any time."

"I realized that. After that horrible weekend was over and I got back to school, I remembered what Robin joked about. You know, with Faith after we left Sunnydale and they were going see those friends of his in Anaheim. Remember?"

"Yeah. Robin asked her, 'You've just defeated the First Evil, Slayer. What are you gonna do next?' and she goes 'We're going to Disneyland!' I have to admit, I've wondered what that pair must have looked like on the magic teacups."

"Heh. Disturbing, much. So that night I called you. I asked if you wanted to go to Disneyland. I wanted to go somewhere happy, with someone I trust. It's like the happiest place on earth or something right? And there's never been anyone who looked out for me like you, 'cause you always did it without looking down on me."

"I'm flattered," Xander said. "I'm happy you called me. But I don't understand why you're still talking to this guy. You are best friends with some of the most dangerous people on the planet. He's lucky not to have a stake in his heart, and a bite on his neck. And be turned into a frog. And then forced to eat English food."

She laughed, and her eyes came alive. He wanted this Dawn, not the sad girl. He wanted the smiling Dawn who squeezed his hands and dimpled when she laughed.

"He's not evil, Xander. He's just stupid and charming and has no idea what's right and wrong. I'm finally realizing that most people haven't had the benefit of seeing real good and evil battling it out their whole lives, and they make some awful choices. I thought maybe I was overreacting, so I told him I needed time away. Then yesterday, things were so good being here with you. When I went to sleep in your bed I was happy and safe, and it made me realize, I have a right to be happy."

"Damn straight. Also, you have a right to cable TV and reasonably priced snack foods. Those, um, are a little farther down the Declaration somewhere."

"You're crazy. So, this morning, talking to him, I decided that being happy started with being free from him, but he wouldn't listen. All the time he and I were talking, I'm wondering what it would be like to be here with you, you know, not just for a trip but to be here. I guess it was just daydreaming."

"So what changed?" He didn't believe she was some fickle child, ready to embrace him just because he was here. But he also worried that she had been having sex a month ago with this mouth breather and now was professing her love for Xander.

"This morning. I managed to shock you and totally embarrass you, and myself, with that amazing Benny Hill Show scene in the bedroom. And you didn't worry about how embarrassed you were, or that it was a silver-medal-caliber performance in the 100-meter Awkward Moment Freestyle."

"You worried about me. You told me you loved me and that you would always be there for me. I love you too, always have really. A long time ago I told myself that I was being silly, that it was a crush. It was, I'm sure, back then."

"But Xander, what came to me this morning when you were holding me and telling me everything was going to be okay, that you wouldn't judge me, that you wouldn't leave me. What came to me was that I've loved you for years, but I let that old 'it's just a crush' thinking keep me from really looking at my feelings for you."

She reached up and touched his hair softly, where it was getting white streaks at his temples. "This hair, my gosh. When did it start to turn? It makes you look exotic, and mysterious, and with the eye patch… Well, you're just dishy, I'm sorry. How's a girl supposed to resist?"

He laughed, and looked around as a monorail whooshed softly past the concourse below. They were still in a very public place, but they had wrapped a sort of cloak of seriousness around them while they had been talking. He had forgotten they were in the middle of the food court.

"What do you say we take today off before we go to Disney?" He was touching his watch with his fingertips. He'd always worn his watch on his left wrist. After losing his left eye, he had gotten tired of holding his arm across his body or craning his neck to read the time. Wearing his watch on the right felt weird, and he was always hitting it on things. One day after he and Pop and been talking about it, Pop had presented him with a Braille watch. It took about a week to get used to but now he wore it all the time.

"Do you not feel like going…?" She sounded understanding but a little let down.

"No, I feel like going more than ever. I want to show my best girl a good time." He winked. "Uh. Um, that was a wink. I always forget that you can't tell when I'm winking and when I'm just blinking." He grimaced a bit.

"Silly, silly man. Of course I can tell. Your bushy brows dance around when you wink at me." She leaned across the table and kissed the end of his nose. "I can always tell. And I like it!" She giggled.

"Well okay then. I just figured, let's get some rest, let you unpack or whatever, you know, your stuff." He gestured to all the bags and packages around them. "Then we can go tomorrow and get a full day of magical goodness. Well, you know, Disney magic not magic magic."

She pondered all the packages, her lips pursed fetchingly. "Sounds like a plan. I have to make one more stop, so do you want to get the car and pull around to that exit down there? I mean, would you mind?"

"Sure, sure. Here, take the card. If they give you any grief about using it, have them call me on the cell. Meet you a few minutes…?"

"That'd be great. Now, no fair looking where I'm going, promise?"

"Sure, Dawn. See you soon." He leaned over and kissed her cheek. It was the first time he had just kissed her, and it felt shockingly warm and good to him. The hairs on his arms and the back of his neck all stood up as he quickly gathered the shopping up to take to the car.

"Yummy," she purred, tucking the card in her pocket. "See ya soon." She took off down one hallway they had not hit on the whirlwind tour earlier.

XIV.

As he walked to the car, Xander passed the concierge desk, which is what they call Information if they want to attract a certain type of customer at a mall. He saw the map, and guiltily took a peek at what stores were near where Dawn had gone.

"Sharper Image. Probably not. House of Ties? Doubt it but possibly. Does she know I almost never wear a tie any more? I mean, if it's a surprise for me… Escada, okay, whatever that is. Pea in the Pod. Maternity?" He flushed and felt cold all over at the same time. Must remain calm. Calm… calm….

"Maybe I'll just go get the car," he muttered and headed for the parking lot.

In the Escada store, Dawn looked at the Intimates section, a very upscale section of robes, peignoirs, and some kinds of lingerie she could not actually pronounce. She was a little baffled, but determined.

An older saleswoman came up to her, seeing her puzzled looks. Her name was Kay, and she was beautifully but modestly dressed in a black pants suit and a gold scarf at her throat. She was about fifty, but looked younger, with laugh lines at her eyes but flawless skin on her cheeks and a subtle hint of lavender in her perfume.

"Hello." Her voice was warm and not at all snooty like some women in these sorts of places. "What can I help you find, Miss?"

Dawn decided to stick to the truth and not try to play the sophisticate. She liked the woman's voice, and her eyes didn't seem to be counting the money in Dawn's pocket with her first glance.

"I want to get something nice. They've lost my luggage and I need some underwear, so I thought maybe I'd get something… you know… nice?"

"Okay dear, we can help. I take it there is perhaps someone you want to look nice for?" Dawn nodded. "I see. Well, for that we don't need 'underwear' dear," she said conspiratorially. "We need 'lingerie.' What sorts of things have you been looking at?"

"I'm not sure where to start. Other than a few thongs and my one red bra I got from Target, I've got a very pastel-cotton-panty wardrobe."

"Oh, darling," Kay laughed. "I'm sure we can improve on that. So no luggage, you need everything? Or at least some basics till you get everything sorted out?"

"Yes, please!" Dawn felt more relieved than she could say. She could chant in Aramaic, and could tell fresh wolvesbane from fresh dragonwort. But match a slip to a stocking set? Please. "But I'm sort of in a rush. He's pulling the car around soon and I need something I can wear tonight too."

"Dear, you do live dangerously. Okay, you'll need a comfortable bra, and something off the shoulders, one buff and one black in each… dresses or skirts? Skirts and jeans? Alright. But you really ought to look into wearing dresses dear, with that lovely figure. Another day, we'll talk."

All the while she was picking things off the racks: never the cheapest, never the most expensive. Rarely she would hesitate over a choice, but not once faltered once she had the item in her hands. In a few minutes, there was a good selection of very nice lingerie, suitable for just about any outfit Dawn had purchased that day.

"Now, for the bedroom…?" Kay paused, not looking at Dawn. It took Dawn a moment to realize what was being asked of her. She had been floating along, amazed by Kay's obvious expertise. They were standing in front of a rack of robes and wraps. Many had floral flourishes or little bows here and there.

"Oh. Er, yes. Do you have anything... you know, that will make me look more… I don't want to look like a little girl." Sometimes it's hard to say what you think because you are not sure what it is that you think.

"You want him to admire you, to be impressed?"

"Oh, yes, but he has really good taste. I mean he dresses plainly these days, but all his things are nice, none of those awful print things he used to wear. He, you could say, I guess, you could say he has a good eye." She smiled at the pun, wondering when she could spring it on him for maximum damage.

Kay looked Dawn up and down, and held a nightdress up in front of her. It was green, pale grass green with an emerald trim around the collar. Modest sleeves but a bit of a plunge in the neckline, gathered under the bust, not at the waist. With her blue eyes, with flecks of green in them, it was perfect.

"I know he has a good eye, dear." Kay got a confused look from Dawn. "I mean, just look at you."

With a hug and an encouraging pat on the shoulder, Kay sent Dawn out with her purchases, using the plain mall shopping bags so as to help surprise the young man. "Good luck, Mr. Harris," she thought, looking at the name off the charge slip. Some days she enjoyed her job more than most.

XV.

When Dawn got out to the parking lot, Xander was leaning on the fender of his car at the curb, legs crossed, arms crossed over his chest. A skater punk girl, almost sexless in her baggies and her Doc Martin's, was trying not to be noticed eyeing him. She was maybe fifteen or so. When she saw Xander spring up and open the back door for Dawn to drop in her bags, the skater girl snorted and grabbed her board, rolling off past the "No Biking, No Blading, No Boarding" sign.

Ha, thought Dawn. That's right. Mine. Back off, bitch. She grinned, and grinned again when Xander tossed her the keys.

"Do you mind driving home?"

"As if! Get in, come on, belt up, and let's go go go!" She laughed as he saluted crisply and hurried into the car.

As she pulled out, she put her hand for a moment on his arm. He didn't jump, even though she knew she was on his blind side.

They pulled out and headed back down the freeway for a few exits to Lago Vista. She was bubbling happy and grinning. He seemed a little distracted, giving her one-word answers when she asked about the best route home.

She patted his arm and concentrated on getting them home. When they arrived, it took two trips but they got everything in, and Xander put everything on the bed. Then he took one side of his closet and scrunched everything back on the rod, giving her a little space to hang her things.

He went into the bathroom while she unpacked, and when he came out he went straight to the couch and sat quietly.

"Penny?" She asked, coming to kneel in front of him on the floor by the couch.

"Sorry?" He shook his head a tiny bit and looked at her.

"For your thoughts. Are you okay?"

"Sure. Yes. Just a lot going on," he tapped his head with his knuckles, "up here. Trying to assimilate a bit, I suppose."

"Oh, okay. Can I help?"

"I think I'd just like to sit for a while. Is that okay?"

"Of course it is. It's your place. Mind if I take a shower and change?" She was feeling a bit whiff, and she was worried about getting stress stink.

"Anything you need, there's towels in the cabinet next to the sink. And I got some shower soapy stuff for you, couple of different kinds by the tub. I didn't know if you still liked the same ones."

"Xander," she ran her hands up his thighs and kissed his cheek as she stood, "most guys don't even realize that there are different kinds, much less notice if their girl has a favorite. You are so completely the best boyfriend ever." She was trying out the word 'boyfriend' to see if he'd object. He didn't, at least not out loud. That was pretty cool.

"See ya in a bit. Call me if you're all assimilated." She paused in the doorway. "But you know, not in a Star Trek, Borg kind of way, 'cause that would just be weird."

She closed the door and started getting ready for a shower, noting with delight that her favorite shampoo and body soap, along with a few other choices, were sitting next to the tub in a little basket she had overlooked before. What a sweetie.