Chapter 24: Things We Learn
Ellie's POV
Sunday morning I woke up feeling like absolute shit. I was nauseated, hot, and all I wanted to do was pass out and sleep the whole day. That didn't happen, though. I woke up to Dolce smothering me with all his fur and Gabbanna trying to bite my fingers. My mom walked threw open my door and came in with a bottle of furnisher polish and a rag, looking totally lethal. She made a clicking noise with her tongue that she always makes when she's annoyed. Obviously, she wasn't enjoying the sight of two little kittens on the bed.
"Ellie! They're going to get fur everywhere."
"Mom! Calm down," I mimicked her tone.
"Don't get sassy with me. Your room is a mess!"
"But it's a clean mess. I know exactly where everything is. Underneath that skirt by the desk is the new People magazine. Underneath all my art supplies in the corner is a tennis racket. See mom?" I sat up in bed and wiped my bangs away from my face. My mom gave me a smart-ass look and started to dust off my dresser.
"Your father called. He'll be home in probably two weeks. They're trying to send as many troops back as possible."
I grabbed the nearest pillow and hugged it tightly with a smile. I couldn't believe that my dad would be home in less than a month! And I was sure he'd be staying for long this time. My upset stomach was shoved to the back of my mind as I swung my legs around so my feet hit the floor. All of a sudden, I was feeling particularly good today.
I sat down in front of my vanity and started to put moisturizer on my face. My mom came over and started to run a comb through my hair, like she always used to. I had really missed this. My mom and I used to get along so well, partly because she was never around to argue with. I hope that what she says is true- I hope she never goes back to being an alcoholic and miserable. I watched in the mirror as my mom started to French braid my hair. She always loved to French braid my long hair. I was beginning to feel like I was a little girl again.
"I saw Ashley the other day in the store."
Did my mom even know who Ashley was? Well, supposedly she did. "Huh."
"Are things okay between you and her?"
There was no way I was going to offer any information. Especially not to my mom. I was sure, if I did, she would just tell me to forgive Ashley and get on with it. I'm not going to lie, the idea has popped in my head. She's apologized, I'm over it, but how do I know she won't turn on me again? I've dealt with that before, and it's not fun. That's how I ended up at Degrassi. Well, part of the reason.
"They're fine, mom. I think I'm going to go over to Marco's and then to Sean's, okay?"
She sighed heavily, "Whatever you want. I"ll just stick around and clean the entire house all by myself."
"Okay, you do that, mom." It's about time she learned to do something for herself. I sure have.
I hurried over to my closet to find something to wear. I swear, I have absolutely nothing. Leaning against the doorframe, I surveyed my choices and finally chose a grey tartan skirt and a sheer black long sleeved shirt with a frilly maroon top over it. I took a look in the mirror and squinted at my reflection. Was it me or had I gained weight? I checked to see if my mom was watching me before I lifted up my shirt and stared at my stomach. Okay, yeah, I probably gained like fifty pounds. I had to find out. But I had to get my mom out of my room first. "Um, mom? A little privacy please?"
She sent me a "yeah, right" look and went on cleaning. Fine. I pushed open the door to my bathroom and locked it quietly. My mom couldn't find out that I had hid a scale in the back of my towel closet. She'd freak and send me away. I pulled it out, making sure not to make any noise when I set it down on the tiny rug. I'd just get on it quickly, see how much I weighed, and then hurry and put it back. Dammit! Three ounces. Three fucking ounces. Hot tears stung my eyes and I leaned against the closed bathroom door.
No matter how hard I tried, I always failed. I had gotten careless and let Sean buy me that stupid ice-cream cone. Who can resist a waffle-cone, though? Not me. Stupid, fat, gross-looking Ellie. Why couldn't I just be perfect? My weight was the only fucking thing holding me back. I tried to stop the tears from spilling onto my cheeks, but I couldn't. I felt so... I don't even know how I felt. Desperate, I guess.
My mom knocked on my door, "Ellie? Are you okay in there?"
"I'm fine mom!" I tried to make my voice sound as normal as possible, but it came out wobbly.
"Ellie? Let me in!"
"MOM! I'm fine!"
"You're obviously crying. Let me in."
She started knocking on the door more and she kept turning that damn knob. I couldn't take it anymore. I stood up quickly and threw open the door. "I'm FINE!" I screamed and ran out of my room. I had to see Sean.
Elisabeth NashI can't believe I saw that. I want to erase the sight of that scale from my memory, but I can't. Last time I had overlooked all the signs and evidence and look where that had gotten her. Look what it had done to our family.
I knelt on the floor next to the scale. Blue permanent marker was drawn in a line next to the 60lb mark. She wanted to be 60 lbs. I wiped a shaking hand across my tear-streaked cheek. I wonder where the small metal sliver had pointed to when she stepped on it. I can't believe I didn't realize what she was doing. That she was doing it again. Had I really been that oblivious?
Of course I had. I hadn't even been home for weeks. She was free to do whatever she wanted. Just how far had she gone this time? Was she making herself throw up again? Was she keeping a food diary? Was she taking diet pills? Why was she doing this to herself? To us?
Ellie had always been a tiny girl. The doctors said her metabolism was too fast for her body, for her age. We used to give her protein shakes every day to help her gain weight because it was practically melting off of her. Her classmates used to laugh at her and call her idiotic names like "stick" and "twig". It was almost scary to look at her.
And then the doctor said that her metabolism would probably start to slow down once she reached junior high. And it seemed to. She looked healthier and... great! Then she became all moody and irritable and secretive. Then she started to lie to us and told us she ate dinner when she hadn't. She'd tell us she didn't feel well and then would go throw up. We thought she was really sick with the flu or something.
I'd walk past her room at night on my way to bed- this was probably around 2 or 3 in the morning- and she'd be staring in her mirror. Turning this way and that way, pinching at her waist. I thought it was cute that she was so concerned. I would give anything for her to appear more concerned with her image. It was three in the fucking morning and I thought it was cute that she wouldn't sleep because she thought she was fat. How horrible am I? I wasn't ever home to even cook her a meal. I never packed her lunches. I didn't make breakfast. I was always too busy with my latest client or picking out patterns for throw pillows.
That's when she started to wear five layers of clothing just so we wouldn't get suspicious. Like we would have ever even noticed. We were too wrapped up in our jobs. We thought we were taking care of her by buying her anything she ever wanted. She didn't want her dad's company car to take her to school anymore. She wanted to walk the entire way. She became obsessed with taking runs at night.
This went on for three and a half years before we even noticed. Who knows if it had gone on even longer. Maybe it had all started back in the third grade or the fourth or fifth. Who knows? It wasn't until we had gotten the call from the school nurse that Ellie had collapsed on her way to class. Me and Christian took the afternoon off to go over to school. She could barely keep her eyes open. She could barely breath. We didn't know what was wrong with her. She swore that she had eaten lunch that day. That she was just exhausted from homework and everything. We actually believed her.
And then Zeke told us the truth. He wasn't even friends with Ellie anymore, but he said we had to know what was really going on. He told us how she wouldn't eat at lunch. If she did, she'd have five carrot sticks. Only five. She couldn't go over that. She told him it was all about gaining control. She'd leave lunch every day to go to the bathroom. He said she'd come back to class looking completely drained. I barely believed him when he told us that she made herself throw up every day. He said he'd caught her at one point and told her if she didn't stop he'd tell someone. She promised she'd never do it again, he said. But she did.
If that wasn't enough for a mother to hear... Then he told us Ellie had other problems. How she was teased at school- called a "slut" and a "whore". How she would do anything with a guy, but they had to give her something in return. To hear that about your own daughter is the most painful thing in the world. He told us she used the money to buy drugs. I almost broke down. She had fallen into the wrong crowd- some rich, country club types who did anything for a thrill, who felt they needed to gain this appearance of perfection. So they did whatever they could to make themselves feel good. Images of Ellie snorting lines and sticking a needle in herself flooded my head.
We did the only thing we could do- we sent her away. She stayed in treatment center for two months. She hated it. She swore she'd never talk to us again and that nothing was wrong, that Zeke was lying. She'd call home crying almost every day, begging her dad to take her out of there. He almost gave in at one point, but I made him promise to keep her in there. When you find your daughter's hidden stash of Ipacec syrup, you'll do anything to get her help, even if she hates you for the rest of her life.
After the two months, she seemed to be doing fine. So we took her out of there, but we decided to move. So we left and she transferred to Degrassi. We thought the change in atmosphere would be good for her. Too many bad memories back at Rookwood- teasing, drugs, Braydon... We thought the move would help kill some of her old habits.
Apparently not.
Sean's POV"Hey. I didn't hear you come in." I was surprised to see Ellie on my couch, watching TV. She shrugged and continued to keep her eyes on the screen. Okay, something was wrong. I walked over, one hand rubbing a towel through my wet hair and the other hand holding the towel around my waist in place. She must have come in while I was taking a shower. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
Oookay... I knew I was in for another dramatic outburst from Ellie Nash. I thought Emma was drama... Maybe I liked drama. I liked Ellie. I loved Ellie. But does she love you? I pushed that thought of my head. I couldn't deal with that now.
I sat on the couch next to her and watched as her hands fiddled with the edge of the blanket she had draped over her. "Something happened," she whispered. Her voice was so soft I could barely hear it.
I leaned in closer and ran a finger through her braided hair. "What?" I whispered back.
"My mom..."
I jerked my hand away from her hair. "What did she do to you?"
"No! Nothing. She didn't do anything. She just... you know what, nevermind. I'm making a huge deal out of nothing."
"You can tell me, Ellie. You can tell me anything."
"I know that, Sean. But it's really the dumbest thing ever. I'm fine. Totally fine. Perfect." She smiled and I smiled back. Maybe she was right. Maybe it was nothing.
I was about to stand back up to go get dressed when Ellie grabbed my towel. "Where do you think you're going?"
"Um. To get dressed."
"Can I come?"
Wow, she was being coy. She bit her lip and looked up at me beneath her eyelashes. "If you want." I licked my lips and took her hand, leading her to my room.
As soon as came through the doorway, she slammed the door and jumped up on me, legs wrapped around me, head underneath my chin. I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed her tight. What was with her tonight? She usually didn't act this needy. My thoughts went back to just before when she mentioned something happening with her mom. She had seemed fine just a minute ago, dismissing the whole incident as if it were nothing, but what if it had been something?
"Ellie, are you sure you're okay?"
"Why? You don't want to do this?"
"No! That's definitely not what I meant. It's just... you're acting sort of weird today."
She jumped back down onto her feet and went over to look out my tiny bedroom window. "Like I said, I had kind of a rough morning, but it's fine now. I just want to be with you. Why's that so hard for you to accept?"
"Why are you getting all pissed off?"
"Because," her voice rose, "my boyfriend doesn't even want to touch me!"
This was really out of left field. When had I given her the idea that I didn't want to touch her? I had to restrain myself from feeling her up ¾ of the time. My affection towards her was definitely not the problem here. I watched as she wrapped her arms around herself and paced back and forth from one side of my room to the other. I went over and stopped her, "Calm down, okay? That's not right."
"I know, "she muttered. "Like I said, I had a rough morning."
We ended up lying on my bed for awhile. Just talking, holding hands, innocent stuff. I was still in my towel and she was lightly rubbing her hand up and down my chest. I was loving every minute of it. "Did I tell you about the play we're doing in speech and drama class?"
"No." Hold on. Was this a trick? Had she actually told me before and was testing me to find out whether or not I had been listening. This wouldn't be the first time she's tricked me.
"Well, we're putting on a play. In like a month. "The Importance of Being Earnest". I've actually seen it before. It's pretty good. But I got a lead part."
"Really? I didn't know you were into that sort of thing."
"It's pretty cool. I guess. You know, if you like that sort of thing."
Isn't that what I just said? Nevermind... "Are you excited?"
"Eh. Not really. But you're going to come and see it, right?"
"Um. Sure. I'll see if Jay wants to come."
"Do you ever do anything without Jay?"
"No."
"Oh."
"So, how long is this thing?"
"I don't know, Sean. If you don't want to come you don't have to. Jesus Christ, I'm not putting a gun to your head."
Here we go again. "I know, Ellie. I was just asking."
"Okay. I'm sorry." She kissed me on the cheek and I turned my head to look at her.
She looked like hell. "Are you feeling okay? You're not looking so..."
"Alive? I know. I look like I should be laid out in a coffin."
I placed the back of my hand on her forehead and cheeks. That's what my mom used to do to me when I was little. When she gave a shit, that is. I didn't really understand the point of it, but I figured maybe it helped or something. "You're really cold."
"Like I said. I looked deceased. I'm sorry you even have to look at me."
I chuckled a bit and scratched my stomach. "Well, you're not too bad to look at... I guess I'll put up with it."
She closed her eyes and for a second there I thought she was falling asleep. Her eyes shot open, though, and she trailed a finger up and down my chest. Isn't it strange how the human touch can send chills or electric or whatever down your body? That her touch could have that much affect on me? Her finger stopped just below my belly button. "Let's go."
"What?"
"Let's just... go. Get out of here. Leave and, like, don't ever come back."
I laughed. "That would go over real well with everyone, I'm sure. Where would we go?"
"I don't know. Montreal. I'd show you my old house. We could live in my old house. No one would ever know."
"I don't think we'd survive. We'd be having sex all the time. Nothing would get accomplished."
"Is that so bad?"
"Where's this coming from?" Yeah, where was this coming from? This was Ellie- Miss Control Freak- all of a sudden wanting to just leave everything and just go. This wasn't like her.
"I don't know. It was just an idea. Just a joke really."
"Oh, okay. Good, because I thought you were going crazy there for a second."
"Yeah."
Ellie's POVWhy couldn't he have just said "yes"? Then we'd be on the next bus out of here. I wouldn't have to go home and face my mom. I don't even know what I'm going to say. She's probably going to lock me up again. I'm completely fine. At the beginning of the year it had gotten a little crazy, I'll admit. I could barely do anything. My heartbeat deafened me almost. But I'm good now. I can handle this. I know what I'm doing. She doesn't know anything. Still, I was going to have to do something drastic when I got home.
I looked over at Sean who was slowly nodding off. He pinched him to keep him awake. I hated when he fell asleep. I felt too lonely. He jerked awake and glared mockingly at me. Tough, I wanted his company. "Talk to me," I demanded softly.
"I'd rather sleep."
My boyfriend was so romantic. I pouted and scooted myself closer to him and he put his arms around me. Well... if my boyfriend couldn't stay awake and talk to me, at least he could hold me as he slept.
I quietly opened the door to my house later that night. I had stopped over at Marco's for dinner, making sure to bring leftovers home. Maybe my mom wouldn't question me then. No such luck. As soon as I stepped through the door, her form shot up from the couch. She got up and walked over me, enveloping me in a hug. Surprised, I hugged her back.
"How was your day, sweetie?"
"Um, good." Except for my constant worrying on how she was going to act. I definitely hadn't expected this. Screaming, crying, disappointment... yes. A hug... not exactly.
"We need to talk. Come sit by me on the couch."
I followed her to the couch, my heart in the pit of my stomach. My eyes scanned over the designs she had been working on. I pointed to one, "I like this one. The textures and colors are very rich." You could say I have an eye for design.
"Me too. Eleanor, I want to talk about what happened this morning."
I inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. "Yeah?"
"What's going on?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
Okay, this was it. "Mom, I know what you're thinking. You think I'm... in trouble. But I'm not, okay? I swear. I wouldn't lie to you. I'm not trying to lose weight. In fact, it's the total opposite. I've gained it."
"Yeah...?"
"Seriously, mom. What I did before was so stupid. I went through therapy, I went through all of that, I'm finished with thinking that way. I just have that scale because I want to know that I can have control over it, you know? Haven't you ever wanted to prove something to yourself?"
Oh God. I was making myself sick with all this shit I was spewing out. If my mom fell for this then she wasn't as smart as I thought. Still, I prayed she did. It would make my life a lot easier. She stirred in her seat and rubbed her palms on her knees. "I guess I can see what you're saying. God, I feel like an idiot. I'm just worried. I know I haven't really been around. I didn't want you to hurt yourself."
"Mom, I'm perfectly fine. I have a boyfriend, dad's coming home in a few weeks, I have the lead in the play, and my co-op is going great. Mom, I have everything right now."
If I didn't stop, I might just throw up on the spot. What total bullshit. And my mom was basically eating it out of my hand.
"You do, don't you? Well, I better get back to these designs. Ashley called earlier."
She did? Hmmm. Wonder what that was about. I kissed my mom on the cheek and ran upstairs to my room. Okay, so maybe I would give Ashley one more chance. Everyone deserves a second chance, right? Or a third one, in her case. Or was it fourth? I was losing count. I quickly dialed her number.
"Hello?" Oh great, Toby.
"Toby, is Ashley there?"
"Who is this?"
He was so annoying. "It's Ellie. Now get Ashley on the phone now."
"Ellie. Haven't heard from you in awhile. Is there a full moon tonight? Oh wait, that's werewolves."
"Funny. Really, I'm dying over here. Get her."
"You know, if you ever want to know what it's like to be with a real man, I'm sure I could lend myself to be of some sort of use."
Oh. My. God. I practically gagged listening to him. Was he for real? Like I would ever touch him. I heard Ashley in the background and her and Toby wrestling around a bit with the phone. "Hello?" she asked breathlessly.
"You called?"
"Ellie! I didn't think you'd call me back."
"Well, I'm fool of surprises."
"Yeah... so, I'm sorry. Really. I am. I can't stand fighting with you. You know?"
"Yeah, I know. It's so stupid. I can't even remember why we're fighting."
"You can't?"
"No, that's actually a lie. I do know, but that's what everyone says."
She laughed and I settled back in my pillows, ready for a long talk. "So you and Craig are acting pretty chummy lately."
"Oh, don't I know it. He's been so sweet to me lately."
"That's good. It was getting boring listening to you complain all the time."
"I did complain a lot, didn't I? Well, at least I have friends like you that will tell me bluntly."
"Yeah, at least you have a friend like me."
"So, how's Sean and things?"
I sighed dramatically. "Let me tell you... he is just so... it's just been... dramatic. Utterly and totally and completely and perfectly dramatic. It would make you sick! The first thing he did was..."
"Ellie?"
"Hmm?"
"He's dramatic?"
"Shut the hell up."
"You love it."
I smiled. Okay, so maybe I did. But was that so wrong?
Okay, so that's it for this chapter. I'm kind of lost right now as to where I want to go next. I definitely know some things that are going to happen later on, but I almost feel like maybe there are some things I should focus more on right now like her eating disorder and the drugs. But since those are long term problems, I don't want to just make her "better" and then go onto the next problem, you know? So, for the next chapter, I might make it skip ahead a month later to the opening night of the play. Does that sound good to you guys? I'm open to any suggestions as to what you'd like to see. Please give suggestions or if you agree that I should just skip to a month later. Thanks for all the reviews. Could you imagine a blow-up Sean from Wal-Mart wearing nothing but a towel and dripping with water? That's kind of sexy.