Ellie's POV
I was feeling peculiarly depressed this morning. I don't know what over, but I did. All I wanted to do was stay in bed all day and clear my head. It's not like there were a lot of thoughts going through my head or anything, but maybe that was the problem. It was weird to not be thinking about anything. To be feeling completely numb.
But the stupid blaring of my alarm clock kept me from feeling sorry for myself and forced me out of bed. I looked down at my painted toenails as I climbed out of bed and stepped into the shower. Even a shower wasn't going to make me feel better. Maybe Sean would, though. It took him awhile to have a deep and meaningful conversation with me, but I knew he would contribute if I asked him to. I hate when I want something, but can't quite put my finger on what I want. That causes a problem.
As if my bleak mood wasn't enough, the sky outside was dark and grey. I'd have to carry my little parasol to school just in case it happened to rain. But first things first, what to wear... what to wear... I wasn't really feeling completely up to actually using my brain to put together a cute little outfit. Instead I grabbed the nearest skirt, t-shirt, and one of Sean's old hooded sweatshirts. I remembered when he gave it to me...
-----Flashback--------
"Here. I thought you might want this."
I felt Sean throw something at my face and I groaned before opening one eye. At the moment a splitting headache was ripping its way through my skull and even the slightest movement could cause me to writhe in pain. "What is it? I can't see."
"It's a sweatshirt. You know, for when you're cold."
I wasn't really used to guys treating me well... I'm all about being treated like a princess- door being opened for me, helping me get my coat on, pulling out chairs... And every guy I've ever dated... I take that back- almost ever guy I've ever dated- has not done any of those things for me.
I slowly sat up in the bed and took the sweatshirt in my hands so I could look at it better. It was a deep red and had WASAGA BASKETBALL on it in white letters. "Wasage basketball?" I read.
"Yeah. The team back at Wasaga Beach was pretty good. I used to go to the high school basketball games with tracker."
"That's cool. So why are you giving me this?"
Sean shrugged. "If you don't want it, you don't have to take it. I just thought it'd be nice if you had something of mine. You know, you can wear it. People will know we're together."
I bit my lip to keep myself from smiling because I knew Sean was already slightly embarrassed by his romantic gesture and I didn't want to embarrass him anymore. He was just too sweet. "Thanks," I pulled it on over my head. "How does it look?"
He nodded his approval, "Pretty hot on you."
------End of Flashback---------
I pulled the sweatshirt on over my head and checked it out in the mirror. I was such a... typical girlfriend. But, whatever. I was smiling more, that's all that mattered. Okay, I seriously had to listen to something a little upbeat or I was just going to melt into a puddle of depression. I turned my CD player on and sat down in front of my vanity to do my makeup while listening to "Crazy Game of Poker". This would do.
The phone next to me rang and I snatched it up. Who would be calling right now?
"Ellie?"
"Hey Marco."
"Hey. I just wanted to know if you wanted to walk together."
"Sure."
"Okay, so I'll see you. Bye."
Huh. That was weird. Marco had been getting rides from Dylan lately. I wonder why he wasn't going to today- especially considering it was probably going to start raining like any second now.
"Ellie?"
I turned around quickly to see my dad standing in the doorway. He leaned against the doorframe and crossed his arms casually. "Getting ready for school?"
"Yeah."
"That's good. Well, I just talked to Steve this morning. Looks like I'm going to have to go to Boston for a little bit. Maybe a week."
"Oh." Great. He was already leaving again. What else was new though? Seriously, why did anything surprise me anymore?
"Yeah, so... I think your mom is going to come along. She has a friend in Boston. She needs a break."
Ha. She wasn't the only one. With everything that had been on my shoulders lately, I was surprised I wasn't having a nervous breakdown by now. But I couldn't let anyone see that. I had to stay in control.
"You're okay with this, right Ellie? If you don't want me to go, I won't."
I didn't want him to go. But how could I tell him that and make him stay? My dad loved working, it was his life. I couldn't be selfish and ask him to stay home and watch tv with me or whatever. I swallowed hard and willed my head to shake "no". My dad smiled with a sigh of relief and kissed me on top of the head before leaving the doorway.
What a way to start off my day...
I was so relieved when I finally reached the intersection where I always meet Marco. I was in desperate need of some company right now. Marco's company was, like, the best remedy for a horrible day. With one hand I held my pink parasol while holding up my skirt with the other. In all the bustle of the morning, I had forgotten to grab a belt before leaving home. It wasn't until I was halfway to Marco's that I realized that my skirt was slowly, but surely, falling down. Of course, I hadn't realized this until my freaking ass was just about all the way exposed. Maybe I would just ask Marco if I could use one of his today.
"Hey Elle." Marco appeared next to me and I jumped in surprise. I hadn't even noticed him walking down his street towards me.
I turned to him and gasped when I saw his face. His eyes were rimmed with red and he looked incredibly... sad, for lack of a better word. Immediately all my problems left my thoughts and I turned all my attention to him. "Marco, what's wrong?"
Marco was watching his feet the entire time we were walking. It took him awhile to answer me, but I didn't prod. Finally, he sighed deeply and met my eyes. "Dylan and I broke up."
"WHAT?!" I screeched. I grabbed onto his upper arm, making him stop in his tracks. "Okay, I need details."
"Okay, Paige," Marco muttered.
Okay, I'd let that one slide right now, but only because Marco was obviously not thinking straight. "I'm only trying to help. You don't have to bite my head off."
"Well, I don't really feel like talking about it, okay? We broke up. He thought we were getting too serious, especially since he'll be going to university next year. So, he said we need to take a break."
"Well, that's better. You're taking a break, that doesn't mean breaking up for good."
"Maybe you don't know how this goes, Ellie, but that means break up. And not just for a little while. Forever. As in Dylan and I are just friends now. If even that. I don't know if I can even look at him."
"You can be friends still. Look at us. We're best friends, right?" I responded softly. I squeezed his arm comfortingly but he shook me off.
"It's not the same. We went out for like three seconds. It meant nothing. Dylan isn't... wasn't just some little puppy-love crush like you and me, okay? I'm really attracted to him. I'm in love with him."
Ouch. That hurt. Hot tears prickled my eyes but I kept them from spilling over. What the hell did Marco mean by "puppy-love"? Is that what he thought it was? God... I had been desperately in love with him and he's writing it off like it was nothing. And like he never felt a single thing for me. What was I even supposed to say after he just said all that shit? I tried to think of something, but I couldn't. So I kept on walking.
"I don't even know why I'm telling you this. You're probably thrilled. You never liked Dylan. You couldn't stand the thought of us together."
Why was he saying this?! I had never acted that way.
"Well, you got your wish. We've broken up, but I'm still gay and there's nothing you can do about that. So just... don't... try. Don't try."
I spun around to face him, seething. "Shut up, Marco. Okay?"
He glared at me. "You have no idea what I'm going through, okay? So just don't even try to understand."
"What do you mean, I don't know what you're going through?"
"You just don't. You don't have problems like these. You don't have any real problems."
I stopped dead in my tracks and gaped as he moped ahead of me. Okay, that was it. I wasn't even going to try and be nice anymore. "Listen Marco, you may think that breaking up with your little boyfriend is the worst thing ever. Get over it. It's not. And it sure as hell doesn't give you a fucking excuse to treat me like shit. So you can stop acting as if your world has ended because you may think you have the worst problems ever, but there are people out there who have you beat. Stop acting like a two-year-old."
"And you shut the hell up," Marco hissed before walking through the school entrance.
I sat down on the stone wall by the steps. Great. I had totally forgotten to borrow a belt.
Sean's POV"What's wrong?" I looked at the gloomy expression on Ellie's face and was instantly concerned. I thought things had been going great for her lately. She looked up at me from staring in her locker and shook her head.
We started walking down the hallway. "Marco. He's being a total asshole to me."
"Why? What did he do?"
"Him and Dylan broke up. He's upset. He takes it all out on me. End of story."
"Yeah, well, like you said, he's just upset. He'd never intentionally say anything to hurt you."
"I know. But it's like he never takes my feelings into consideration. It always has to be about him."
I wrapped an arm around her narrow shoulders and pulled her towards me into a quick hug. "Just leave him alone for awhile. He'll apologize."
She gave me a grateful smile and returned my hug tightly. "Thanks. Hey, do you want to come over tonight? My parents are going out of town this afternoon. Maybe we can get some Chinese?"
I raised my eyebrows. "Parents out of town? I think I can make it."
"Great. Come around like 7:00, okay?"
I leaned down to give her a quick kiss before we went our separate ways. As I walked towards my shop class, Ashley appeared and started to walk with me. "I want to talk with you."
"Um, about what?" What the hell did she want? We weren't exactly chatty.
"Ellie."
God, was this about us dating, again? I was so sick of Ashley trying to butt into our relationship and get us to give up on each other. "What about Ellie?"
"Um, isn't it obvious?" I stopped and look at Ashley. Obviously, it wasn't that obvious. Otherwise, I'd know what the hell she was talking about.
I gave her a blank look and she sighed heavily. "Fine. Come over here." She moved me towards underneath the stairwell where it wasn't so crowded. She looked around to make sure no one was listening before opening her mouth. "I think Ellie has a problem. A serious problem."
"What kind of problem?" I didn't want to sound to interested. This was Ashley we're talking about. She makes big deals out of nothing. Kind of like someone else I know... No wonder her and Ellie were such good friends.
"An eating problem."
I laughed loudly. "Um, Ellie does not have an eating problem. Far from it. She's not exactly tipping the scales."
"That's the point, Sean."
What? "What?"
I hate when I say exactly what's on my mind.
"I think Ellie has an eating disorder. She doesn't eat. It's as simple as that. And believe me, she's so skinny, it's sick. Haven't you noticed?"
I ransacked my mind for any occurrences where I had thought Ellie looked especially skeletal. Nope, nothing came to mind. Well... except when her ribcage is practically puncturing my stomach when she's lying on top of me. But that isn't exactly a big deal. "Ashley, are you sure?"
"Yes! She never eats lunch, she looks like a child from a third-world country, and have you noticed now sluggish she has become?"
No, I hadn't exactly noticed how sluggish she had become. I rolled my eyes angrily. "Listen Ashley. Stop trying to mess with Ellie okay? It's really starting to piss me off."
"I can't believe you! I'm being serious here, Sean. Don't you care about her?"
"Yeah, and that's why I want you to leave her alone. Ellie is fine. So stop trying to screw her life up."
"Well, fine. If you won't believe me, someone else will."
Ellie's POVI waited in my seat expectantly for my English paper. I knew I had done awesome on this assignment. Ms. Kwan went by my desk and set the paper on it. I looked up at her and she winked, "Beautiful work as always, Ellie."
Eagerly I turned my paper over and saw the bright red 100% on it. Yes! I couldn't help but smile a little smugly. Ms. Kwan had just mentioned right before handing back our papers how there were few people who actually understood what she was looking for. It felt great to be one of them.
Ashley leaned over, "What did you get?"
"100%."
"What?! What did you write about?"
"The war in the Middle East."
"Did you agree with it or disagree?"
"Agreed."
She pouted, "I can't believe that you got a 100% when you agreed. She favors you so much. I wrote an awesome paper on Foreign Policy and an 81%. It sucks."
"She doesn't favor me. I just turn in quality work."
"Sure... Teacher's pet."
She was smiling and I knew she was joking, but it still wasn't funny. I deserved this A. I deserve every A I get. I stay up all night studying and writing and proofreading and everything just so I can make perfect grades. Everyone acts like I'm just the favorite and that's the only reason I get good grades, but that is so not true. I turn in quality work and when people accuse me of getting off easy it really pisses me off and then I start to... God. I really need to stop getting worked up over things. Seriously, I need to control this and just not care.
"Eleanor Nash please go to Ms. Suave's office. Eleanor Nash to Ms. Suave's."
What. The. Hell. Why was I being asked to go back there? I was through with that psycho-babble shit. I didn't need her to tell me I was normal and just under stress and hadn't found a normal way to deal with it. I'm sick of just constantly staring at her while she stares back and expects me to open up anytime soon to her. Doesn't she realize that I will never open up to her? The point is- I don't want anyone to know my problems.
I slowly lifted myself out of my seat and I could feel everybody watching me. Ms. Kwan had stepped into her own office for a second so everyone was free to talk. Except no one was talking loudly. They were all whispering as their eyes were on me. They knew something was going on. They knew I was a cutter. Or had been and supposedly had stopped. Was this what it was about? Was she going to demand to see my arms? Fuck that.
My steps were shaky as I walked across the room. Why did I have to sit on the completely different side of the room from the door? And why was the room slowly expanding every step I took? Okay. Step. Step. Step. Breathe. Step. Step. Step. Breathe. Step. Step. I felt tears threatening me behind my eyes. What was my problem? Why was I constantly in cry-mode today? I will not have a nervous breakdown. I will not have a nervous breakdown. Easier said than done.
Somehow I managed to make it out of the classroom door and down the hallway towards Ms. Suave's office. Her door was open and I just wanted to run away. Go home and crawl into bed and never come back. I put a hand out and touched the wall before slowing collapsing against it. My breathing was forced and shallow and my legs felt like they were too weak to hold me up. I wouldn't be surprised if I fainted right here. As a kid, I always fainted. It never surprised anyone. It surprised someone more if I didn't faint at least once a day.
"Ellie? You coming in?"
I blinked and my focus wasn't so blurry anymore. Yep. Sure enough, there was Ms. Suave standing outside her doorway holding a mug of coffee. I wonder how much time it would give me to run out the door if I tossed that coffee into her face. God. Now I'm resorting to violence and I hate myself.
I followed her into her room and stood around nervously. It had been awhile since I had been in here. Before I had just waltzed in, through myself into a chair, and stared at my fingernails until she sighed and said time's up. Now I didn't know if I could do that anymore. I wasn't the same slightly confident Ellie today. I was a totally different Ellie today. I held onto the waist of my skirt, keeping it up, while I made my way over to the chair.
"You can sit down. This shouldn't take too long."
Okay, so then it must be a check-up. But maybe she'd just ask how I was doing and I could nod which would mean good and then she'd nod meaning good and then I'd leave. That would make me happy.
"Are you hungry, Ellie?"
Huh? Am I hungry? Maybe she was going to offer me food. "No." That wasn't a lie. I was hardly ever hungry anymore. Which is a good thing.
"Oh, did you already eat breakfast?"
"I don't eat breakfast."
"Why not? It's the most important meal of the day."
"It makes me sick." That was no lie. Breakfast did something to me and made me want to vomit profusely.
"Huh."
Okay... What did that "huh" mean? She said it in that tone of voice which means- I know something you don't know. I'm going to probe a little deeper now so I can find out more. And this is going to be absolute torture for you.
After a few minutes of silence and her staring at me, I found my voice again. "Why am I here, Ms. Suave? I'm fine."
"Well... some people have expressed a concern about you, Ellie."
"Concern?"
"With your eating habits."
I dug my fingernails into the seat cushion. "Is that a nice way of saying I eat too much?!"
"No!" Ms. Suave practically shouted. "Not at all. In fact... Ellie... Okay, here we go. It's not that you eat too much, it's that you eat too little. You understand?"
I blinked. No, I didn't understand. What was she trying to say?
"Ellie, do you know what Anorexia Nervosa is?"
I laughed a little too loud. "You've got to be kidding me."
"No, I don't kid around here. I'm serious, Ellie. It's speculated that you might be... anorexic."
Speculations had been made about me? As in gossip basically? "I didn't think you took what people speculated as the truth, Ms. Suave. That doesn't sound very professional to me."
"I don't take it as the truth. But I do take it into consideration. And when there's proof."
"What proof is there?"
"Ellie. I'm not here to blame you of anything. To accuse you. I'm here to help. I just want you to talk to me. Please, is there anything that's bothering you that's causing you to starve yourself?"
Ms. Suave sure had a way with words... Did someone really think I was starving myself? I shook my head slightly. That was fucking insane. Why can't people just leave me alone? I don't bother anyone else, so why does everyone bother me? I don't get into people's business. I don't try and "save" everyone. Doesn't anyone understand that some people just don't have as easy as others? I mean, not to say that everyone doesn't have their problems, but some people just have more problems. And I don't try and push my problems on anyone else. I keep them to myself and I don't ever let on to having problems. And it's just hard sometimes, always being the good girl or perfect or...
Ms. Suave handed me a tissue. I didn't really know why. She gestured towards her face and I narrowed my eyebrows before taking the tissue to underneath my eyes. Ohmigod. I was crying. Shit. Rule number one- never let them see you vulnerable. And I just broke it.
Before I could stop myself, words were flying out of my mouth. I tried to shut up, but I couldn't. "I have a lot of stress right now on me. I mean, my dad just came home from the war. My mom is recovering from being an alcoholic. They just left me to go to Boston. I'm alone as always. My best friend basically hates me now. I keep getting into fights with my others friends. Not to mention my boyfriend. I can't sleep at night. I have so much piled up on me with my co-op and the play we just had and all my homework. Do you realize I'm taking three AP classes. I'm trying to keep my English grade up so I can be placed into Honors next year. I'm tutoring my boyfriend all the time. I never have time for myself anymore. And it's just so hard. It's like I'm being pulled into fifty different directions simultaneously."
I stopped talking abruptly. How embarrassing. I had just mentioned like half of my sob story. Ms. Suave shook her head and wrote something down in her notebook. "So, I understand you do have a lot of stress. Is there anyway we could fix that? I mean, I could give Caitlin a call and we could find someone else to take your place at the station or..."
"NO!" I pleaded. "Please, Ms. Suave. Don't take my co-op away from me."
"Relax, Ellie. I would never take it away from you. Just know that if it does get to be too much for you, we can fix that. But I would never just take it from you. All Caitlin can ever say is how perfect you are for this job."
"Thanks." I crossed and uncrossed my legs awkwardly. What was I supposed to do now?
"But anyway, Ellie. I think I'd like for you to see the school dietician. She can probably suggest something for you."
I watched as she stood up from her chair and moved to her desk. She seemed to be looking for something. Was she still accusing me of having an eating disorder? I thought my little emotional outburst there would have fixed that. That she'd leave me alone. Figures. Ms. Suave would never leave me alone for the rest of my life.
"Ellie. Just so you know- more than one person has come to me about you. They've expressed their concerns. They've told me things and I'm not accusing you of anything, but Ellie, you could need serious help. An eating disorder is a very serious matter. Nothing to be taken lightly. Would you mind me asking how much you weigh?"
I coughed. Did she really just ask that? "Actually, yeah, I do mind. That's none of your business."
"Ellie. I'm trying to go easy on you here. I'm trying to let you take control and open up to me. Do you know what this is?" She held up a file.
I scrutinized it. "Um, no." Okay, so my tone was more than rude. But she was really starting to piss me off.
"It's your file from Rookwood. Complete with your physical and everything. I understand you used to play soccer? Why didn't you try out here?"
I flinched. "Because."
"Okay. It also says you were into gymnastics and dance. I used to dance myself. What kind were you into?"
What was this? A biography session on me? "What matters is that I don't anymore. Okay?"
Why do some people have to constantly meddle into your life? If I don't play soccer anymore or dance or do anything that I used to, that's my problem. I was the one who had to quit all of them.
"Well, I'm glad that you at least continued art. But anyway... these are your physicals."
"And?"
"You started Rookwood in seventh grade. You weighed 92lbs."
"I was a small child. I was teased a lot."
"By the next physical, you were down to 76. And then last year I understand your parents sent you to a hospital to treat your disorder because you were down to... ummm... 63lbs. Yeah, 63. So you were treated for an eating disorder."
I stared straight ahead at the wall with a blank expression on my face. There was no way I'd give her the satisfaction of knowing she had gotten to me. "Yeah, but I didn't have one. That's why my parents took me out."
"No, it says here that the hospital released you after you gained 25lbs. Ellie, please, just talk to me. Are you relapsing?"
God, she made it sound like I had like a serious problem or something. So I watched my weight. So does every other girl in the world. So I didn't allow myself to eat disgusting shit that everyone else does. I'm just smart. Why was everyone getting on my case?
"Ellie, have you been getting your period?"
"God! This is bullshit! You can't force me into this conversation with you."
I ran from the room, tears flooding over my cheeks. I hoped that no one would be in the hallway at this time. That would seriously suck to have someone see me like this. I looked to my right and left- class or bathroom. Class or bathroom. I dodged to the left into the bathroom and locked myself into a stall. Okay, I had to get control. My emotions were skyrocketing. But I could control them. I rested my head against the wall of the stall and closed my eyes and just cried. Why was this happening to me? I could feel my stomach starting to churn. I needed to throw up.
Okay, so I made this chapter longer since the last one wasn't so long. Hope you guys enjoy it. Just a question though- am I making Ellie likable? Just wondering whether I am or not. Because I want to. Anywho- always open to suggestions and reveiws. Thanks!