…And The Beat Goes On…
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in Naruto, and this is just a little random angsty stupid thing I wrote. Because it hurts to loose someone, it hurts badly. And I felt like tormenting Kiba a little smiles.
The beat goes on, pounding trough the floor even tough I've tried to shut my ears from everything, I locked my doors for the outer world desperately trying to avoid facing the truth, that you're gone…
Even if I shut my eyes so tight that it blurs, if I cover my ears with my hands and if I pretend that nothing ever happened, still I can feel the steady beat. It haunts me; it's the only thing I can't get away from. It reminds me I'm still alive, and you're not.
The room I am in is empty, as empty as my heart. This room used to be filled with my laughter, with my joy and with you. But now you're gone, and since I have been cold. There is no more laughter to fill the room, make it shiny and bright, just emptiness and tears.
Tears that stains my checks, smudging the red streaks of paint. Streaks I proudly wore to show who I am. But whiteout you I'm no longer anything, I'm lost in a world so much bigger than me. You used to be there to guide me, or at least be by my side when we entered areas never before seen.
Curling up on the empty floor doesn't help me, it doesn't shield me from memories flashing before my eyes, but it gives me some warmth. But I really don't know if I want to feel that at all, it's better to be cold, it's more numbing, and it takes the edge of the sharp pain.
Lying on the floor makes me feel the heavy beat trough all of my body, it's the same rhythm as my heart. Pounding higher and higher in my ears, until I almost can't take it anymore.
I remember you rhythm being just slightly faster than mine, every night I fell asleep listening to it. It's more calming than my mother singing me lullabies or my friends' gentle hands trying to comfort me.
But they stopped that sweet melody of yours, ended it forever. And I can't push play, they broke that one, and they broke rewind to. It's no use playing forward, and pushing stop now, would just make the pain worse. My music machine isn't magical; it's a broken piece of feelings, thoughts and in the middle it's just me, alone on a dark floor. I wish I could mend it; I'd give the world to make it work again.
All I have left is tears and cold hands wiping them away. Nothing really matters anymore. There is no longer we, it's only me and I don't fight alone, I fight together.
Remember we work as a team, and now you left me alone…
You stopped breathing and made me scream out in pain. I couldn't feel your beat trough my fingertips anymore. I never thought loosing someone could hurt that much. How wrong I was, it hurts and it never stops hurting. They tell me the pain will fade away. But I can't believe them; they want me to forget you, to continue fighting. But I told them, trough cleansed teeth and with tears spilling from my eyes, I do not fight whiteout you. And then I ran here, closing the door behind me, sobbing my heart out, wanting badly to go to the same place you are.
Every time I move, every time I stop to listen, every time I open my eyes there is traces of you. Small ones perhaps, but still they are there, and when I see them I can't help but to cry. Only weak ones cry, I'm a shame for my clan, crying over a lost one when I'm supposed to move on.
Once, twice, trice people have been here. They talk for hours; they stroke my hair and wipe my tears. But I hide my eyes from them, the pain is too overwhelming and there words mean nothing, I barely even hear them. They tell me about loosing things and overcoming, that eventually the deepest pain will go away. But I don't dare to believe them, that can't be true. I promised myself to never forget, it's my fault you died. If only I were stronger you would have lived, if I was faster, bigger, better but I'm not, I'm… I was not enough to protect the one closest to me. You.
Failure, it's a red burning word in the middle of the black sorrow. All other colours are gone, there's no more soft changes, just stripped raw emotions. I wish I could cover them up, bury them beneath layers of imagination.
I don't sleep anymore, if I sleep I dream. Bad dreams, god dreams, it don't care, I don't want them anyway. They're reminders of a time lost forever. Damn it, I want you back. Is it so hard to understand, I can't cope with losing you. It makes me insane; it feels like I'm stabbing my self over and over again.
And there is a sick part to it all in some twisted dark little place in my head; I enjoy torturing myself by thinking about you. I deserve the hurt, because I failed you and I deserve every aching moment just because… just because, I wasn't enough. I'm trembling now, shaking hard, twisting and turning, the pictures just won't go away.
Slowly I raise myself from the floor and walk to the window. Outside the daily life is going strong, they're unaware. Unaware that I'm breaking down, shattering into smaller and smaller pieces and I don't think I can glue them together again. It's raining outside, grey, dirty disgusting and yet so beautiful rain, maybe it could wash everything away. It's almost completely quiet out there, just the soft dripping from the rain echoes in my ears. Silence is unbearable, I hate it nowadays.
When it is silent I hear the stupid beat so much clearer, one two three four, a steady rhythm, life flowing trough my veins. I don't want to live whiteout you, Akamaru, I don't want to.
Our music is supposed to play together, not alone.
Maybe, maybe it's time to trash the music machine, how hard can it be?