Chapter 28: You Were Always On My Mind
One Week Later
Ellie's POV
Marco and I walked home in almost complete silence. I didn't want to bother him. He looked so deep in thought, as if he were thinking of something that I couldn't even begin to comprehend. I wish he would tell me what was on his mind. I always feel left out or unwanted when he doesn't tell me things. Like he feels he can't trust me or doesn't think I'd be interested.
I kept my gaze on Marco as we walked down my street. But as soon as I focused on him, he looked up and caught me staring. I looked away blushing slightly and pretended to be overly interested in the tree to my left. Marco reached for my hand and we held hands the rest of the way to my house. It was a simple gesture, but it meant the world to me.
It seems like everyone is acting weird to me lately. All my friends are avoiding me, I get weird looks in the hallway... well, even weirder than before. Ms. Suave keeps leaving me notes on the message board practically begging me to come and talk to her. I know she's trying to help, but there's nothing she needs to help me with. I'm fine. I can't stress that enough.
So it's been pissing me off that everyone is acting like there's something wrong with me. Sean can barely say a word to me anymore. Sometimes I feel like he's just using me. And that he really doesn't even care about me, but I'm just easy and I'm a sure thing. I'm surprised Marco even wants to come over today. He's been avoiding me like I have the plague. Always sitting with Paige and Hazel and them. I guess he's just more interested in being popular than having a true friend. It hurts me deeply to think that Paige has stolen my best friend away from me.
The only person who's really been there for me is Ashley. And this is pretty strange considering all the stuff that's gone down between us lately. But she's been keeping me company as I wallow in self-pity at the fact that she is, like, my only friend left in the world. And, for once, she's asking about me and how my life is going instead of complaining about all her problems. So I told her how Sean is acting distant towards me- barely returning my phone calls, making up excuses as to why he can't see me after school, and whatnot. I know he's busy with his job and stuff, but I have this sickening feeling that him and Emma are talking again. And it's not just me jumping to conclusions. I've been noticing them a lot lately. They've started talking to each other again and it's weird being the "other" girlfriend. I know him and Emma were a huge thing and that's why it makes me nervous seeing them talk again. I don't want to be placed second best for the millionth time in my life. I want to be the best always.
But can I blame him for wanting to be with her? I mean, take her and then take me... There's not comparison. She's halfway normal, she's not a complete basket case, and she doesn't hurt herself or dress differently than others. Maybe Sean and I happened too fast... Maybe I didn't give him all the attention he needed. Maybe I wasn't the girlfriend he needed. He needed someone to give him everything he needs and wants. I can't do that. I have too many other responsibilities and priorities in life. I've already divided myself between everyone as much as possible. God, I need some fucking time for myself, too!
I was starting to feel angry and desperate and everything I shouldn't be feeling. It's like this huge boulder was on my shoulders and I'm carrying my problems plus everyone else's on my back.
"Ellie?"
I shook my head and looked at Marco. "Yeah?"
"You're rolling Brynn into the bushes."
I gasped and quickly took control of the stroller. Poor Brynn. I had completely forgotten I had been rolling her along the street with my free hand. Marco tried to hide a smile but he couldn't. He ducked his head and pushed Jefferson, his baby, a little faster.
Normally I would have made some smart ass remark to Marco, but I didn't feel like I could. This was the first time we'd been alone together- or even together, actually- in, like, a week. How strange is that? I guess everyone is just keeping busy or something... but I don't know. I've been busy myself too. With all my responsibilities, most of my day is usually booked. I had homework, my co-op, housework, yearbook, The Grapevine, Ms. Kwan convinced me to join the drama club, I had volunteered to work at the orphanage once a week... Too much, really... But I'd manage it somehow.
"Ellie, do you want to help me with French first?" Marco asked me when we got to my door.
I nodded my head, "Sure."
Sure. And while I'm doing that, I can also help you with your English and your chemistry and history and... God! Why did he depend on me for everything? I had my own homework, too. I couldn't do his all the time.
Immediately, I felt horrible. How could I even think that? This was my best friend, I've always been glad to help before. It's just now... now things are different. I've been in shitty moods all the time, I'm not feeling well, I'm just... things aren't good. And here comes Marco, ignoring me constantly until he needs help with his homework.
"You okay, Elle? You look like you're going to be sick."
"I'm fine." My voice was tight. I was sick of everyone asking me how I felt. If I was okay. If I was eating. If I was cutting. If I was sleeping. It was my business what I did. And to answer all the fucking questions: like shit; no; no; yes; and no. Maybe I should just put it all out in the open. "Can you, like, start reading these lines or something? I don't all day."
Marco gave me a weird look and looked at his French book, reciting the sentences given in the exercise. It sounded horrible. Like nails on a scratchboard. "NO! That's not how you say it. Get it right the first time, or don't even try at all, Marco."
"Sorry!" Marco growled. "Ju na comprise pas les exercise du francaise."
"No. It's: je ne compris pas les exercise de francais. Form liason, pronounce your vowel groups right, don't pronounce the s in compris. Just... this is so pointless."
Marco glared at me and started to gather his things up from off the floor. "Nevermind. I'll ask Paige for help."
"Yeah, you go ask your new best friend for help... Hon."
Two days later and Marco still wasn't talking to me. Could he blame me for getting angry? I always feel so damned used around him. So today at lunch Ashley sat with Paige and her group. Figures. My one friend would ditch me. Sean was nowhere to be found. Good. I didn't want to look at his face anyway. Things have just gone all wrong. I can't even explain it. My head hurts and I just want to die.
Sean's POVI'm a horrible person. A terrible man. I love her. I do. But I can't be with her right now. Not that I want to break up or anything. I never want to break up with her. I want to be with her forever so much that it scares the shit out of me. But I can't look at her. And see what's happening to her. And face her. I mean, I know that she's hurting herself, but what the hell am I supposed to do? I've never had to take care of anyone but myself before in my life.
And it hurts to do this to her. To see how upset she looks when I tell her I have to go to work and probably won't be able to see her that night. She tries to be all strong and have this I-don't-care attitude, but she does care. I can tell. It's written all over her face.
And everyone else is hiding from her the fact that they know. That I told them. I gave them evidence, proof... And so they've been talking to each other about it for like a week now. Ignoring her. Keeping her far away. And I know we're trying to help, but I start to wonder if we're not making it worse.
The next day there was no avoiding Ellie. She was waiting for me at my locker. I needed books out of my locker. What else was I supposed to do?
"Hey Ellie," I bent down to kiss her, but she pulled away.
"Don't." I could barely hear her she said it so softly, but the impact of the words- her tone almost knocked me down. She's never pulled away like this before.
I set my backpack down on the floor and tried to grab hold of one of her hands but she pulled it away. She was looking straight at me to the point where it almost made me feel uncomfortable because I knew how much of a bastard I had been to her. And she knew too. "What's wrong?"
"Us. We're wrong."
What? My palms started to sweat. Where was this leading? There was no way she could...
"I'm breaking up with you." And she walked away.
Leaving me alone by my locker feeling like the wind was just knocked out of me. Where had this come from? We were doing great until the last week. Until I found out and... It was all my fault. I shouldn't have been avoiding her. I should have been there for her instead of running away scared.
The rest of the day Ellie avoided me. She wouldn't talk to me. She wouldn't even stop long enough so I could tell her how much I cared about her. I had to tell her.
That night I waited outside of her co-op for her. She should be walking out any second and she'd have to listen to me. At 6:40, Ellie came through the door and started to walk down the street. She hadn't even seen me.
I followed her a little bit. I watched as she walked slowly without the usual swing in her arms or the little bounce in her step. Her head was down; she was staring at the sidewalk. Was she regretting her decision? I hoped so.
"Elle?"
She didn't even flinch. She just kept on walking. I reached out for her arm, but she shook free and continued on her way. "I love you."
I said it. It was the least romantic setting possible, but I said it. The words came out sounding desperate and childish and they were my last hope. She couldn't just let this go. She had to give me some sort of response. It's not everyday I tell someone that I love them.
She turned around and a glimmer of hope warmed my heart. Maybe she was going to take me back. She wore a bored expression on her face and shook her head, looking at me as if I were the most pathetic thing in the world. "I don't love you."
My mouth just hung open and tears tried to fight their way free from behind my eyes. I couldn't even stop them. I cried in front of her. The lamest thing I could possibly do. No wonder she thought I was pathetic. I was. Those words tore at my heart. I thought that she feeling the same way I was during our relationship. I thought we were on the same page and had this unspoken connection. I was so wrong.
Ellie's POV"I don't love you."
I love you.
I clinched my jaw, almost breaking it in an attempt to keep control and not break down in front of him. I had to be strong. This had to be done. We had to be done and over with. There was nothing left for Sean and I anymore.
He turned away and started to walk, leaving me staring after him. Tears sprang to my eyes and my chin began to tremble. My heart physically ached. Don't go! I silently screamed after him. It was no use. I would never say it. I couldn't. It wouldn't be fair.
So much has happened that I can't even remember where it began. But Sean and I are finished. I can't be with him anymore.
I spent the night lying on top of my covers, staring at the ceiling. I didn't do any of my homework. I didn't talk to my parents. I didn't go to work at the orphanage. The next day I didn't go to school.
And the day after that.
On Friday, I finally went to school. And was met by Marco. Who immediately hounded me with all sorts of questions about my break-up with Sean. I guess he forgot my little outburst the other day during our homework session. Funny how I remembered something as futile as that in a time like this. I told Marco we broke up. That was it. And he accepted it. Thank God.
I didn't go out that weekend. Ashley called a few times- wondering how I was. Marco called and I talked to him for maybe an hour. Sean didn't call.
I didn't cry. I'm stronger than that. I can control that. But I couldn't get out of bed. I had no energy. I had no motivation. So I just stayed in bed and listened to music.
On Sunday night I was lying in bed and listening to a CD I had made a while back with just a variety of songs on it. A little of The Get Up Kids, some Modest Mouse, some Pink Floyd... and a song the Counting Crows did a cover of. And it described my situation perfectly. Because I wasn't always the best girlfriend. I had so much other stuff going on that I couldn't always give Sean my undivided attention. He had to share me with all my other priorities. And sometimes I didn't put into the relationship as much as Sean did. And although I know what I did was right, I can't believe how stupid I am to let something as good as him go.
Maybe I didn't love youQuite as often as I should have
Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as good as I could have
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
Maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine
If I make you feel second best
I'm sorry I was blind
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn't died
Give me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied, satisfied
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You are always on my mind
You are always on my mind
By the end of the song, I was in tears. Sobbing. Weeping. Whatever you want to call it. I was completely heartbroken because I had to give up something I didn't want to. I would have never broken up with Sean if I hadn't had to.
Sean's POVI slammed my locker door shut as hard as I could and then I punched it. I hated life. Just when you find something so good, something that truly makes you happy, it's ripped away from you. Story of my life.
I began walking to shop when I stopped dead in my tracks. There she was... I tried to pick my feet back up and force them to take me to class, but I couldn't. I couldn't stop staring at her and wonder how she was doing. If she had cut. If she was eating. Of course she wasn't. What was I thinking...
She was just staring in her locker. The hallway started to empty out and the bell rang. Shit. I was late. But so was she. And she didn't seem to care at all. She just continued to stand there, staring in her locker, expressionless. I slowly inched my way up to her. Maybe... maybe, if I could just talk to her, I could get her to understand why I had been distant. I'd tell her that I saw her. I'd tell her everything.
"Ellie," I choked out. I hadn't spoken her name in a long time.
She shook her head and her face scrunched up. Tears slid down her cheeks and she turned away from me. "Don't Sean."
I followed her as she started to walk out of the school building. "Where are you going? School's started. It's raining. You're supposed to be the responsible one here."
"Oh yeah, I'm real responsible... Leave me alone, Sean. I don't want to talk. We're over."
What did that mean? She had sounded so bitter. I didn't listen to her. I still followed her as she walked out of the doors into the pouring rain and over towards the soccer fields. She didn't say a word to me as I caught up with her and we walked side by side. But tears were still running down her face, or was it rain? I didn't know. But I could tell that she was trying to look composed and fine, but she was failing. She was visibly upset about something.
She sat down on a wet bench and wrapped her arms around herself, staring up at the sky. I sat down next to her and, noticing that she was shaking from the cold rain, I wrapped an arm around her. She didn't push me away. But she bit her lip and looked down in her lap. And shook her head. "Why are you doing this?"
"Doing what?"
"Being good to me? After what I did?"
"You didn't do anything. I was being an asshole. I deserved it."
She didn't say anything only continued to shake her head and then she began to sob. I squeezed her closer to me. "What is wrong? You have to tell me Ellie." I made her face me and looked into her eyes. She wouldn't look at me. "Ellie! Please. I love you. Tell me."
"I can't!" She screamed at me. I pulled away from her a bit and she clenched her fists. "You don't need to know everything."
"When you're this upset, yes I do. I want to help you."
"You can't."
"Try me."
"You can't, Sean. No one can help me."
"Well, I can at least try."
"Will you just drop it?" she yelled.
I narrowed my eyes. I was sick of her telling me that I wouldn't understand whatever she was going through. "Stop saying that. Tell me, now!"
Ellie ripped my arms off of her and started down the bleachers. I didn't even have the energy to chase after her. I just watched as she grew smaller and smaller as each second went by.
A knock on my door woke me up at two in the morning. Who the hell could be coming around at this hour? I knew it wasn't Jay. I climbed out of my bed and made my way down the short hallway to the front door and opened it.
Ellie stood outside, her arms wrapped around her self, wearing a sweatshirt I had given her. She stared at the ground the entire time, but didn't give me a chance to talk. "I know I should have told you earlier. But I wasn't really worried before. But now I am. And I wasn't going to tell you because I knew how much it would hurt you. And I don't want you giving up on yourself just because I'm an idiot. But I... I need to tell you because you deserve to know. And I'm trying to be selfless here, but part of me is still selfish and wants you. Well... all of me wants you, but... Nevermind. But anyway, this is really hard for me. I mean, yeah... And I know how much you care about me, but I'm not going to let you throw away your life just because of me. So, just get that straight, okay? I don't care what you say. You're not throwing your life away. But, anyway, I'm rambling on because I'm trying to avoid telling you although I know you'd want to know. It's just... I'm scared, okay? I'm really fucking scared."
"Ellie?" I asked with a worried tone. What was she talking about?
"Yeah, you're right. I'm probably confusing you. Well, you know, I haven't been feeling well lately. Actually, I haven't been feeling well for a few months now. And I've been getting sick. And I haven't had my period in... well... a long time. But I didn't think anything of it. Because, well, I never get my period on a monthly basis. So, I didn't think anything of it. But I've had time to think since everyone's been kind of shutting me off. And I started to think and well... the thing is... Well, it's like a few months along. But I just found out the other day-"
"Ellie!" My heart stopped. Was she saying what I think she's saying?
Ellie finally met my eyes. "I'm pregnant."
I know. I know. How original... But the idea has been in my head long before I posted this on here so... yeha and I'm the author so I can do what I want. :) So I think I'm going to continue the story under a new title. I don't know what the title is yet, but I'll specify that it is part 2. And I hope you all enjoyed this part of the story and I can't wait to write the next parts. Thanks for the awesome reviews.