A/N: Thank you SO MUCH to all of you who enjoyed my rawther stupid spoof:O) I appreciate the reviews... heh. But I just realized something... okay. So I was in "The Crucible" in February (I was Ruth, which isn't even a real role, but anyway.) when Arthur Miller died... and it's kind of tragic because I was just getting into his work when he croaked. HE IS AN IDOL, by the way. And I only provide ridiculous comedy... I am in no way trying to degrade his brilliant play. Okay... you know what? I'm rambling. But in short, I dedicate this load of random junk (see whole play) to a great guy named Arthur Miller.
(ACT I SCENE 1: Setting: a dreary little house that creaks like the little kid from "The Grudge" is in it. There's a little girl lying in a bed, conked out. And then there's a guy depressedly covering his face. Somebody comes in. Who could it be?)
TITUBA: Yo, mah Betty gonna be upshizzle?
PARRIS: What the hell are you saying?
TITUBA: Don't you talk bout my talkin', Hommie Parrisizzle, or I'll beat yo ass, yo.
PARRIS: Just… get out of here, Tituba.
TITUBA: The name's Tittay, yo home dog Parris. Now, you damn say it right, or I'm gonna beat yo damn assizzle.
PARRIS: Bitch! (Flips her off)
TITUBA: I ain't no biznatch!
(Catfight)
PARRIS: JUST GET OUT OF HERE!
TITUBA: That's RIGHT, boy. You betta be damn scaredshizzle now.
(TITUBA exits)
PARRIS: (to himself) When is this damn kid gonna wake up?
(When PARRIS looks away, BETTY opens her eyes and quickly closes them, terrified of this guy who flips everybody off. SUSANNA and ABIGAIL enter)
SUSANNA: Umm… Dr. Grig- Griggs… uh… umm… wanted me to… uh… tell you… he can't find any… umm… medicine… I'm sorry! Please don't hurt me! (Cowers)
PARRIS: Die, bitch!
ABIGAIL: (protecting SUSANNA) No, it was Giles Corey's fault. He gave all the drugs to his sickly little wife. (Whispering) Apparently, she's supposed to be going to rehab soon, but… you can't really trust that Corey, can you?
PARRIS: Grr! (Flips SUSANNA off) Go home.
SUSANNA: Thank God! (Skitters out)
ABIGAIL: Uncle Parris, I'm sorry 'bout Betty. I never should have given her those… umm… I mean… I didn't do anything!
PARRIS: What were you kiddos doing in the forest last night? Was John Proctor paying you to dance for him again?
ABIGAIL: (giggles) John? Why, of course not. We didn't do anything, Uncle Parris!
PARRIS: But wait. You were working in John's house so long, Abby. Why did Elizabeth get rid of you like that?
ABIGAIL: (freezes, then laughs) Oh… (Whispering) drugs. You know. They're all on drugs. She took a hit of E that night and just ZOINKED.
PARRIS: Oh, okay. I love you, sweetie! (Big bear hug)
(ANN and PUTNAM enter)
ANN: Waah! I miss my little babies… even though I only knew them for a few hours! Oh. Why, hello, Mr. Parris. I saw the ghost of my little babies this morning. Betty was flying around with them. It seemed like they were having a lovely time.
PARRIS: GAAH! (Flips ANN off)
ANN: Something I said? Anyway, about my dead babies…
PUTNAM: So, guess what, Parry? There's witches all over Salem.
PARRIS: THERE ARE NO WITCHES! (Flips PUTNAM off)
PUTNAM: Don't you bite your thumb at me! There are witches, I say. The Devil is loose in Salem.
ANN: Yes. He ate my babies.
PARRIS: Ate them?
ANN: With mayonnaise.
PARRIS: Ah.
PUTNAM: Yeah. So, I called this guy… Hale? He's gonna find all the Devils in Salem.
PARRIS: Gaah…
PUTNAM: Gaah what? There ARE witches. Were you suggesting that there WEREN'T? Implying something, maybe? That's why that damn kid isn't waking up at our house. And, golly, look at that… your kid's sleeping, too! (Crosses over to BETTY) OH, MY GOD! HER EYES ARE CLOSED! CLOSED, I TELL YOU! LOOK, ANN! HER EYES ARE CLOSED! WHILE SHE'S SLEEPING!
ANN: Oh, my GOD! THAT'S SO WEIRD!
PARRIS: Oh, Lord. Okay. Abby? Tell this guy the truth. Were you conjuring something in the woods?
ABIGAIL: What? No! Never! Why would you think that? Did someone tell you something? (Casts an accusing glare towards BETTY, who whimpers)
PARRIS: No, no…
ABIGAIL: Betty, you are so out of my cult!
BETTY: (wakes up, screaming) NOOO! (Looks around her) I mean… (Falls back on bed) Waah… Waah…
PARRIS: See? Nothing suspicious about that.
(PUTNAMS murmur their agreement)
ABIGAIL: But… (Accusing) Tittay was conjuring stuff! Ruth… blackmailed her!
ANN: I knew it! My one child is POSSESSED… (Cries)
(MERCY enters)
MERCY: Oh, sorry, I just wanted to see… um… um… Betty! Yes. Betty.
ANN: Nice save, Mercy. (Scowls) Who the hell is with Ruth?
MERCY: Uh… shit… oh! Her grandma. Yup. Granny. Good old Granny. Brought cookies. (Aside, to ABIGAIL) I had to leave her. Stupid little bitch wouldn't stop sneezing.
PARRIS: Well, all's well here, see? Let's go sing songs. That'll ward off the Devils in Salem.
(PARRIS, ANN, and PUTNAM exit. As PUTNAM leaves, MERCY runs a hand over his chest. PARRIS breaks PUTNAM free and flips her off before leaving.)
ABIGAIL: What happened to Ruth?
MERCY: I dunno. It's weird. Probably syphilis or something.
ABIGAIL: Gaah. I hope that's not what's wrong with Betty, or I'll get the 'bad babysitter' lecture again.
(MARY enters)
MARY: Uh. They're talking about witches… n' stuff.
MERCY: Stop whining.
MARY: Huh? What?
ABIGAIL: Did you tell them anything?
MARY: Huh?
ABIGAIL: Obviously not. God. Betty! Wake up already!
(BETTY whines)
ABIGAIL: NOW, BETTY! Or I'll teach you a lesson you'll never forget!
BETTY: (screams) No! Not that again! I'll drink all the blood you want; just don't do that again!
ABIGAIL: My, you seem improving.
BETTY: Is that supposed to be sarcastic?
ABIGAIL: WHAT? Are you INSULTING the Abigail? Tsk, tsk… now, Betty, I warned you about this…
BETTY: Waah!
ABIGAIL: STOP WHINING! (Slaps her)
MERCY: Ooh, bitch-slap.
MARY: Why are you hitting her?
ABIGAIL: DON'T QUESTION ME! OR I'LL SLAP ALL OF YOU!
MARY: Just asking.
(JOHN PROCTOR enters)
PROCTOR: Get your ass home now, Mary.
MARY: Uh. Leaving.
(MARY exits)
MERCY: Oh, I should leave, too. I need to watch Ruth. You know… that non-existent granny might hurt her, and we wouldn't want that to happen, would we? (Passes PROCTOR) Good morning. Why aren't you out hunting for witches? (Grabs him by the waist and starts kissing his neck) I might be a witch, you know. I'm pretty bad.
PROCTOR: Mercy! Not now! Abby's here! (Breaks free, MERCY exits)
ABIGAIL: (giggles) Hi…
PROCTOR: Hey, Abby. Now, I didn't come to make out with you or anything.
ABIGAIL: You sure? (Presses herself up against him) I don't believe you.
PROCTOR: Abby, you slut, I'm married! (ABBY kisses his neck) Oh. Um.
ABIGAIL: Ha. That's funny. Married.
PROCTOR: I love Elizabeth!
ABIGAIL: (laughs uncontrollably)
PROCTOR: WHAT IS SO FUNNY?
ABIGAIL: (Kisses him very nicely on the mouth. He breaks off.) You know you want it.
(BETTY screams like she's possessed by Michael Jackson)
ABIGAIL: Betty! What is it?
PROCTOR: Did she hear us? I think her mind's a bit young for that…
ABIGAIL: Oh, no, she's known about all of that forever. She's a ten-year-old whore.
(Everybody rushes in- ANN, PARRIS, PUTNAM, GILES, and REBECCA)
PARRIS: What the hell is going on here?
ABIGAIL: It's your singing. She couldn't bear to hear it.
PUTNAM: Oh. I guess we shouldn't have been singing "Dip it Low". Her poor virgin ears.
(PROCTOR and ABIGAIL laugh)
GILES: Actually, I think it's your singing, Ann. You and that husband of yours sound like a herd of cows dying.
REBECCA: GILES! You awful man!
GILES: Damn people… stole my land…
PARRIS: And my firewood!
(GILES exits, but suddenly we hear a crash and an old man falling. PROCTOR rushes out to help him.)
PARRIS: (shakes head) Society… Anti-firewood society…
(HALE enters)
HALE: Oh, someone take these books! They'll totally ruin my hot uniform. (PARRIS takes books) God, thank you. Took you long enough. (Looks in mirror) Look at that. I'm so hot I can't stand it.
PARRIS: Yeah, Hale. You're sexy.
PUTNAM: Whoa, Parry, slow down, it's only 1692.
PARRIS: Hey! You know what? I'm tired of this. 1692… we should be making progress. (Flips everyone off) Die, bitches.
(PROCTOR comes back in, pushes PARRIS in)
PROCTOR: Easy, fella. Don't leave.
PARRIS: Gaah. Oh, hey, Hale. Could you look at my daughter? She ails.
HALE: (looks at BETTY) Oh, yeah. She's a hot one.
PARRIS: No. I mean she's sick.
HALE: Oh.
ANN: Did I tell you the Devil ate my babies with mustard?
PARRIS: I thought it was mayonnaise.
ANN: No, mayonnaise sounded too yummy right now.
(GILES enters again with RANDOM GUY)
GILES: Corey's back in da house.
PARRIS: You're as bad as Tituba.
SHOUT FROM OFFSTAGE: IT'S TITTAY, HOME DOG!
PARRIS: I mean Tit-ay.
RANDOM GUY: (upstages everyone and goes to front of stage) To be or not to be. That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the minds to suffer… (looks around) Oops. (exits quickly)
GILES: Hey, Hale. My woman reads books. Tell me why.
HALE: Well, uh… um… oh, Parris. Tittay sounds like a witch. Get her ass in here.
PARRIS: You're not supposed to curse.
HALE: Sorry. Get her arse in here.
PARRIS: Okay. TITTAY!
(TITUBA enters)
TITUBA: Hey, hommies. 'Sup?
HALE: Oh, good. What a treat. First of all, would you tell us your name?
TITUBA: I'm Tittay from da hood, yo.
HALE: So, Tittay. Are you a witch?
TITUBA: All the way, dawg, if you dig that.
HALE: Scene!
PARRIS: Not quite.
HALE: Err… right. Tittay. So… did you ever compact with the Devil?
TITUBA: Hey, my boy is no devil. He can be a little gangsta at times, foshizzle, but he ain't no devil.
HALE: Okay. You're clear. Scene!
PARRIS: Tittay, what Mr. Hale is trying to say is, did you ever see anyone with the Devil?
TITUBA: Aw, hell, no. I know you don't expect me to rat out me girls.
HALE: You have girls?
TITUBA: Fo shoa.
PARRIS: Tittay, if you don't tell me at least this I'm going to hang you because I'm angsty like that. Did you ever see… that retarded girl with the Devil?
TITUBA: Aw, boy, no need to bring yo gunfire into it.
PARRIS: I'LL KILL YOU, TITTAY! YOU WANNA WATCH?
TITUBA: Okay, okay! I saw my hommie Good wit the Devil!
PARRIS: Goody Good! (To HALE) Write these down.
HALE: Foshizzle.
TITUBA: Foshizzle my nizzle!
HALE: Fo shoa.
TITUBA: Yeah, I saw Misshizzle P. wit the Devil…
PARRIS: Goody Pipitone?
TITUBA: Foshizzle. An' den I saw… Hamlet wit the Devil.
GILES: Dammit! He just left! (Exits, running, carrying cane madly)
ABIGAIL: Wait! I wanna rat people out! (Smiles) I'm a good girl. I'll tattle. Just let me open myself!
HALE: Okay, young lady. Who did YOU see wit the Devil?
PARRIS: With. With. Not wit. With.
ABIGAIL: I saw Mr. Green with the Devil! I saw Goody Osbourne with the Devil! I saw Levi Hawkins with the Devil!
PARRIS: Levi Hawkins? YES! I was going to kill him anyway.
BETTY: I saw Mary Warren with the Devil!
ABIGAIL: Shut up! Wrong scene!
BETTY: Oh. I saw Melissa Trupp with the Devil! I saw Mr. Green with the Devil! I saw Goody Howe with the Devil! I saw Travis Causey with the Devil!
CROWD'S MURMURS: So did I.
ABIGAIL: I saw my dog with the Devil! She's a witch, I tell you!
(CURTAIN FALLS)