(ACT I SCENE 2: Setting: A slightly brighter house. It's ELIZABETH's, and since her husband is always out being a pedophile she has nothing to do but brighten her house. PROCTOR enters.)

PROCTOR: Woman! Where's my dinner?

ELIZABETH: Here, here! So, whom were you sleeping with today?

PROCTOR: I am OFFENDED, Elizabeth. Why do you think I was sleeping with anyone?

ELIZABETH: Oh, I dunno, maybe 'cause you keep impregnating teenagers…

PROCTOR: Abby never got pregnant!

ELIZABETH: You sure?

PROCTOR: Absolutely! And neither did Mercy! Or Ruth! Or Susanna!

ELIZABETH: Whom aren't you sleeping with?

PROCTOR: Mary. She's too stupid.

(MARY enters)

PROCTOR: You little biotch! Why did you go to the courts when I told you not to?

MARY: Um.

PROCTOR: Well?

MARY: Um… don't hurt me. I'm going to puke.

PROCTOR: Too much information.

MARY: Sorry. I don't have very many brain cells left. Oh, look, Goody Proctor, a doll.

ELIZABETH: Nice.

MARY: Yes. It just happens to be sitting in my pocket. (Laughs to self) Hee hee hee; that was a rouse to get away from Proctor! I'm so smart. I tricked them all. All 2 of them.

PROCTOR: Yes, Mary. You're brilliant. I might have to sleep with you now, too.

ELIZABETH & MARY: (at the same time) HEY!

MARY: Sarah Good almost killed me today.

ELIZABETH: Oh, really, now?

PROCTOR: That's nice.

MARY: She sent her Sprite out.

ELIZABETH: That's not the line, dear.

MARY: She sent her spirit out.

PROCTOR: Liar.

MARY: For real! This crony old woman. She said, "I am innocent to a witch." Bull! Bull! Bull!

PROCTOR: L-I-A-R.

MARY: So what? I don't need you anymore. I'm an official of the court. They'll get me a scholarship to college and I'll be in their clique forever.

PROCTOR: Bull! Bull! Bull!

MARY: Careful, Mister Proctor, or I might accuse you of witchery, too.

PROCTOR: I'll witcher you! (gets whip)

MARY: Waah! (exits quickly)

ELIZABETH: Was that really necessary, John?

PROCTOR: Of course it was, Abigail.

ELIZABETH: ABIGAIL?

PROCTOR: I mean…

ELIZABETH: That's it. I want a divorce.

PROCTOR: No, no! Let me tell you this story. Abby keeps telling me how dumb that girl is when I sneak out to see her at night. She just won't stop talking about Mary! I'm considering ending the whole thing. Oh, wait…

ELIZABETH: You sneak out to see that little tramp?

PROCTOR: Oh, no! No! I was just talking to Abby that day when everyone else left and she was seducing me in the dark.

ELIZABETH: I see. And did she succeed in seducing you?

PROCTOR: Of course not, darling! We just made out for a while! What do you take me for, a lecher?

ELIZABETH: Ahem. Okay, look. Your little slutty girlfriend wants to kill me and marry you. Okay?

PROCTOR: Which one?

ELIZABETH: ABIGAIL.

PROCTOR: That's incredulous. But… why doesn't she like you?

ELIZABETH: You're hopeless! (raises a frying pan to beat him with, but then HALE enters)

HALE: Oh. (giggles) Sorry!

ELIZABETH: It's okay. Come on in. I should have someone to make out with, too.

HALE: It would be a little weird if I made out with Abby and then with you.

PROCTOR: You made out with Abigail? (gasps) How dare she cheat on me? What a tramp!

HALE: (giggles sheepishly)

ELIZABETH: Go tell Abby she's a whore. Now.

HALE: Wait, wait. (looks in mirror) God, I'm hot. Anyway.

PROCTOR: What is it? I have to go tell Abby she's a slut.

ELIZABETH: On second thought, forget it. You'll end up getting her pregnant.

PROCTOR: True.

HALE: So, uh, yeah. How come you never come to church?

PROCTOR: I DO come to church.

HALE: Then… uh… tell me your… Whatcha-ma-call-its.

ELIZABETH: His commandments?

HALE: Uh, yeah. That.

PROCTOR: Okay. Thou shalt not kill people. Especially Abigail. Hear, hear, Elizabeth. You can't kill her. Okay?

HALE: God, I really am hot. I'm so hot I can't… oh. Um. Yeah. Go on.

PROCTOR: Um… thou shalt not… something about a graven image… thou shalt not envy thy neighbor's ass… I mean donkey… thou shalt not… say shalt. Thou shalt not… ignore Reverend Hale. Thou shalt not forget his lines.

ELIZABETH: You forgot a couple. Namely 'thou shalt not sleep with whores'. Or anyone at all, for that matter, besides me.

PROCTOR: Well, gee, sorry, Lizzie! You were just never around!

HALE: Err… right. Sorry. What were we talking about?

PROCTOR: And he wonders why I don't listen to him in church.

HALE: Umm… right. And I… have to… go.

ELIZABETH: John, just tell him already.

HALE: Tell me what? Someone better start telling me something. (admires reflection again)

PROCTOR: Okay. Okay. Look. There are no witches in Salem.

HALE: (laughs uncontrollably)

PROCTOR: I'm serious!

HALE: That's probably just because they convicted her today.

ELIZABETH: Convicted ME?

HALE: Yeah…

ELIZABETH: I am no witch!

HALE: Ha ha! You lie! Arrest her!

(Random police officers appear and chain ELIZABETH)

PROCTOR: Hey hey hey hey! No one is allowed to chain Elizabeth except for me, okay?

ELIZABETH: Oh, John!

CHEEVER: I spy a poppet, Goody Proctor. If you keep dolls, you surely must be a witch.

WILLARD: (laughs insanely)

CHEEVER: Hey, I'm serious! I am very important, and if I say she's a witch, SHE'S A WITCH! THEY'RE ALL WITCHES!

WILLARD: I like witches… (giggles)

CHEEVER: Are you DRUNK?

WILLARD: Huh? Uh.

CHEEVER: (picks up ELIZABETH's doll, sticks a needle in, and pulls it back out) Look, Willard, it is a needle! She is a witch!

WILLARD: (talking to doll) Needles are hot. You're hot. Will you go out with me?

CHEEVER: Oh, Willy, I thought you'd never ask!

WILLARD: Huh?

HOPKINS: Well, dudes, dudettes, this proves it. Elizabeth's a witch. You're a comin' with me.

ELIZABETH: I'm not really into the whole chaining-up thing…

PROCTOR: Wait! Get Mary in here! MARY! GET DOWN HERE, YOU LITTLE… girl!

(MARY enters sheepishly)

MARY: Uh. Yeah. What'd I do?

PROCTOR: Have you seen this needle before?

MARY: Uh. I've seen a lot of needles before.

CHEEVER: But not this one, you see? That proves it. Elizabeth stuck this needle into this doll using her witcherish powers and made it look like Abby. VOOOOO-DOOOOO! Take her away!

(ELIZABETH and POLICE GUYS exit)

PROCTOR: Mary, you were supposed to lie!

MARY: Huh?

PROCTOR: Okay, you little brat. You're gonna tell the court what you know whether you like it or not.

MARY: Uh. That's not a lot.

PROCTOR: Okay, fine! But you're going to… accuse Abby of murder!

MARY: Oh, okay. (a pause) Hey, wait!

PROCTOR: No complaints, missy.

MARY: Waaahh! I can't do thaaat!

(Cries continue. CURTAIN FALLS.)