(ACT II SCENE 1: Setting: Dark, seductive woods. ABIGAIL is there, pretending to be scared so that PROCTOR, who has just arrived, will hold her.)
ABIGAIL: John, it's so big and scary out here! Can we please go back to my place? Maybe in my bedroom?
PROCTOR: It's okay, Abby. Let's sit down.
(They sit on a random bench/log)
PROCTOR: So, how's life? How's everything crack-a-lacking for you?
ABIGAIL: Don't try and talk like Tittay from da Hood. You'll never come close.
PROCTOR: Sorry. How. Are. You?
ABIGAIL: Oh, lovely. I mean, oh, woe. Everyone keeps hitting me with their spirits, John. Why, look at my leg. Immature little boys hit me when I don't want to sleep with them.
PROCTOR: How horrid.
ABIGAIL: Yes. Woe. And look at my shoulder. All the witches keep putting spells on my shoulder. In the middle of the night, the ghost of your wife comes back and stabs me again and again. See? Look at my boob.
PROCTOR: That's okay. Um, but, my wife's still alive.
ABIGAIL: Oh. Shucks.
PROCTOR: Yeah.
ABIGAIL: (kisses PROCTOR for about 10,000 years before he pulls away) John, oh, John, marry ME.
PROCTOR: I can't, Abby. My pedophiling days are over.
ABIGAIL: But, John!
PROCTOR: I'm sorry. Look me up when you're legal. The old hag will probably have died by then.
ABIGAIL: Yeah, she is old.
PROCTOR: You'll speak nothing of Elizabeth!
ABIGAIL: I'm sorry, John! Please don't make me stop making out with you!
PROCTOR: It's too late, Abby. I'm going to ruin you now.
ABIGAIL: Ruin ME?
PROCTOR: Yes. Ruin you. You filthy little tramp.
ABIGAIL: Aw, John, you really mean it? (Touches his face)
PROCTOR: Gaah. Stop DOING that.
ABIGAIL: You know you want it, Johnny Boy.
PROCTOR: Stop… please?
ABIGAIL: (Kisses his neck) Never, never. Your idiot wife could never give you what I can give you, John Proctor.
PROCTOR: (Pushes her away) Meanie! (Slaps her and exits before she beats up on him.)