Chapter four: Randomly disgusting

"The attack of the zombie teacher!" Penniewise stares at the new, creepy looking lecturer with a stunned gaze.

"Protect your brain," Kimmy whispers dramatically.

"Which brain, mine is melted already."

Kimmy pulls a scary face. "All the better for the teacher to suck."

"Oh, braingoo."

"Yummy."

"That's what we used to be served in school in younger years. Completely killed off my taste buds."

"I ate mush! Unidentified. And meat balls. They could bounce." Kimmy bounces her eraser on the floor.

"Another popular dish was the palt. Covered in grey slime with black dots." Penniewise shudders.

"Yes," Kimmy nods. "And once I cracked a tooth on the ham salad."

"Cool. Let's face it, there is no food that a school kitchen can't corrupt and distort."

"I heard the cowberry jam is fake. Mostly consisting of wine berries and apples."

Penniewise starts singing. "I feel a little bit queasy."

Kimmy also starts to sing. "Don't throw up on my new jeans."

"I shall try not to hurl," Penniewise says in a sing song voice.

Kimmy frowns towards the front of the class room. "The teacher is spewing swears. It that what it means to study at the university, R-rated languaged teachers?"

"Yes," Penniewise says. "It's very educational. And my mind is numb. The goo that is my brain has now entered my shoes."

"Squishy shoes! My brain, on the other hand, is hard as rock. Haha, suck on that, you sucky teacher!" Kimmy shakes her fist.

"Must feed." Penniewise walks with outstretched arms across the room and tries to grab Dante.

Kimmy yawns.

"I said, I must feed." Penniewise looks around to see if anyone notices her zombie like demeanour.

Kimmy takes out a bowl of popcorn. "Blood, I want blood!"

"Oh, blood! Me too! Me likey blood and gore." Penniewise sneaks up on Cthulhu with a big cleaver behind her back.

"Alright!" Kimmy's mouth is full of popcorn. "Chopp da chupp! Mufablah!"

"Okey! Hayah!" Penniewise swings the cleaver, but misses Cthulhu who ducks and rolls.

"Try again!" Kimmy shouts. "Muffabluh! Cut his slimy throat! Let's see a fountain of blood."

"Wait! I'll try this." Penniewise turns away and digs through her pockets. "Aha!" She whips around with a guitar case in her hand. "El Mariachi-Clown!"

"What?" Kimmy stares. "Oh I get it. Let him dance till he bleeds?"

"No, this is a special guitar case. Behold!" Penniewise opens the case. "Presenting the BFG 9000!"

"Alright! Splash it, baby! Splash, splashitty, splash splash!"

"My favourite pastime." Penniewise chuckles, "Hehe. Duck everyone. Except for Cthulhu. You just stand there like a nice little squiggly bottom."

Kimmy takes another handful of popcorn.

"Kabloowey!" Penniewise pulls the trigger. Nothing happens.

"Bummer. Aww, oh no. I wanted the blood." Kimmy whines. "Blood!"

"Guess it only works on Mars." Penniewise shrugs and throws the gun behind her back. "And anyway, I don't think Cthulhu bleeds. I think he just slimes or oozes or whatever you'd call it."

"Alright," Kimmy grumbles. "I'll settle for the slime."

"Ok. One order of slime coming up."

"And we're right back to the subject of disgusting food."

Penniewise taps her chin thoughtfully. "Maybe Cthulhu is made of fruit flavoured jello. Pity Dante fried Homer; otherwise we could have asked him. I'm actually getting a bit hungry."

"Are you seriously suggesting that we should eat Cthulhu?" Kimmy grins. "Alright, I'm game."

"We could always take a nibble. Just try it out. But first we have to catch him."

"Huh?"

"He sneaked off while we were discussing what flavour he was. I just saw him slip behind that tree." Penniewise points.

"Well, alright." Kimmy takes out a bow. "Are you up for a hunt?"

"Why, yes. It's been a while since I had a good hunt." Penniewise takes on a Scottish accent. "I hungerrr forrr action."

Kimmy starts running towards the tree. "Wohoo!"

Penniewise pulls a battle axe from her back pocket. "Cowabunga!" She runs after Kimmy.

"Aha!" Kimmy jumps up in front of Cthulhu.

Cthulhu screams. "Wahhh!"

Kimmy nocks an arrow and shots him at close range, a la Boromir.

"Aow." Cthulhu jumps around holding his foot.

"Why are you holding your foot, you cretin? There's an arrow sticking out of your chest." Kimmy points at his chest.

"Oh, mixed nerve endings. I think something went wrong when you guys cut off my head." Cthulhu lets go off his foot and clutches his chest. "Aowy."

"Hm, interesting." Kimmy looks at Penniewise. "Perhaps we should dissect him?"

"Yeehaaa!" Penniewise puts on a surgical mask and pulls out a set of scalpels.

"I'll hold him," Kimmy says. "Or…wait. Should we kill him first?"

Dante comes running. "What the schmeck is going on here? I leave you guys alone for a minute, and now look at this mess." He gestures towards Cthulhu that stumbles around moaning.

"What's your point, pretty boy?" Kimmy nocks another arrow.

"Just calm down." Dante backs away from Kimmy.

"Ha-HA!" Kimmy whirls around and shots Cthulhu in the head.

"Aow, that hurts." Cthulhu falls over and starts to twitch.

"Oh no, he's hurt." Dante gasps.

Penniewise pokes Cthulhu with her foot. "When he twitches like that he doesn't look very eatable." She looks at Dante. "But you look yummy." She gets a crazed shine in her eyes and starts sneaking up on him.

Dante, oblivious to Penniewise's advances, starts crying. "No, Cthulhu!" Tears are running down his cheeks. "Don't die big buddy, don't you die on me."

Cthulhu gasps and gurgles. "Dante, come closer. I have something important to tell you before I die. Gasp."

Kimmy rolls her eyes. "You've got to be kidding."

Penniewise advances on Dante. "Yeesss, my preciousssss." She bursts into a maniacal laughter.

"Shut up you two." Dante falls on his knees by Cthulhu's side. He takes on of the tentacles between his hands.

Cthulhu coughs. "My strength is leaving me, lean closer."

"No," Dante hushes. "Don't say anything. Save you strength."

"Ok, suit yourself. Then I won't tell you where I hid my big treasure." Cthulhu pouts.

"Er…" Dante pauses.

Penniewise stops dead in her tracks. "Treasure? Oh, I need money. Push off, pretty boy. I want it."

"I don't want no treasure," Kimmy mutters. "It will only corrupt my mind. Oh, who am I kidding?" She nocks an arrow at Cthulhu. "Spill it or die, you medical freak!"

Cthulhu wiggles his tentacles limply. "I don't think I can make it. If I only had a pint of blood to regain my strength, I could draw you a map. Blargh." His eyes are large and watery.

Kimmy lowers her bow and a peculiar look crosses her face. "I don't know…are you going to drink the blood?"

Cthulhu gives her a sideways glance. "Of course, what did you think I would do with it?"

"Never mind." Kimmy sighs. "I suppose you can have mine then."

"Really?" Cthulhu asks cheerfully. He adds in a weak and feeble voice, "Oh, the world is getting dark."

"Just get it over with." Kimmy tips her head back and offers her throat.

Cthulhu grabs her and wraps his tentacles around her head in an attempt to get to the jugular.

Kimmy closes her eyes.

"Gaah, yucky." Penniewise makes gagging noises.

"You shut up," Kimmy snaps. She inhales sharply as Cthulhu buries his teeth.

Cthulhu slurps and makes sounds of satisfaction. "Aaaaah!"

Kimmy slowly pales as the slurping continues, until her face is white as snow.

"Hey slimy, get off her!" Penniewise pounds Cthulhu over the head with the broad side of her axe.

Cthulhu wraps his arms around Kimmy as he vigorously sucks on her throat.

"That's it. I'm going in!" Penniewise starts tearing at the tentacles and chopping them off one by one.

Kimmy moves her bloodless lips and her eyelids flutter. "Don't… don't hurt him."

Penniewise pauses with the large axe raised over her head. "Why the flipping 'eck not?"

Cthulhu lets go of Kimmy and she sprawls limply on the floor, out cold.

"Gaaaah!" Penniewise cries. "Kimmy, wake up!" She growls at Cthulhu, her eyes glowing.

"Er…" Dante makes a soothing gesture. "Calm down, sister." He walks up to Cthulhu and lays a hand on his shoulder. "Do you feel better now?"

"Step back, mommy's boy. He's mine now!" Penniewise bares her razor sharp teeth with a hiss. Her fingernails turn into long, black claws.

Dante eyes suddenly become roaring chasms of fire and his body is enveloped by his devil armour. With a long hissing sound, Alastor leaves the sheath.

"Carnage!" Penniewise roars. She pounces on Dante with a growl and starts chewing on one of his wings.

Dante smirks evilly. "You're determined to jump me one way or the other, right?"

"And don't you love it," Penniewise mutters between bites.

Dante moans. "Yeah, yeah, bite me harder, baby."

Penniewise's eyes stops glowing and she leans back, licking her lips. "Hmm, you killed the mood. I don't like easy boys."

"I know what you mean." Dante grins broadly with his sharp teeth before he too returns to human form.

"What, you don't like easy boys either?" Penniewise jumps off his back and straightens her clothes.

"Neveryoumind." Dante blushes lightly and hitches up his leather pants.

Penniewise gives Dante an inquisitive look.

Dante kneels by Cthulhu. "I think he'll make it."

Penniewise shrugs. "I really don't give a flying urchin's creamy kettle."

Cthulhu whispers in a hoarse voice. "…still don't get the point."

"I'll give you a point." Penniewise sprouts one claw and presses it against Cthulhu's eyeball with a maniacal grin. "Just say the word."

Trish steps up to them. "Please wait." She lays her hands on Penniewise's shoulders and looks her deep in the eyes. "It's over, they'll both live now. Just take you friend and go."

Penniewise gives Trish an apprising look and straightens, retracting her claw. "Ok. For now." She picks up Kimmy's limp body and puts her over the shoulder. She kicks down the class room door and walks out.

Kimmy is plunged down on the chair in the noisy library cafeteria. She moans and lifts her head. Blood is slowly running in tiny rivulets under the hem of her black shirt. "W…will he live?"

"With my luck…probably." Penniewise picks leathery pieces of wing out of her teeth with a toothpick.

"Good," Kimmy whispers. She picks up a crumpled paper napkin and wipes her throat.

Penniewise flicks the toothpick into a wastebasket. "So…why didn't you want me to kill him? It was you who shot him in the first place."

"Yeah, I know," Kimmy says and looks away. "Hey," she adds brightly after a short pause. "You should buy me some orange juice and a sandwich. Isn't that what you're supposed to eat after you've give blood."

"Don't try to change the subject." Penniewise frowns and gives Kimmy a furtive look. "One could almost think that you wanted to get jiggy with squiggly boy. You know…vampire romance."

"Yeah right," Kimmy mutters. "I'm really a closet tentacle fan." She clears her throat and looks away. "You totally miss the point."

"Ok. So what is the point? Enlighten me." Penniewise leans against a wall, juggling with a sandwich and a box of orange juice.

"Oh…" Kimmy sighs deeply. "Just a feeling, you know. Pretty important." She reaches for the juice. "Is that for me?"

"Oh, right. Here you go." Penniewise stops juggling and tosses the box to Kimmy.

"Thanks." Kimmy sticks the straw into the juice box. Holding it both hands, she starts sipping. "Mmm, orange…"

Penniewise yawns. "Maybe I should buy one for myself too. Hmm…decisions, decisions."

"The meaning of life…in a neat little box." Kimmy takes a sip. "Would you hand me the sandwich?"

"Ok." Penniewise impales the sandwich with a claw and passes it over to Kimmy. "On the subject of food, have you ever eaten blood bread?"

"Can't say that I have," Kimmy muses. "But there are a few drops on this one. Does that count?"

Penniewise snickers, "Hehe, adds to the flavour. Anywho… this blood bread thing is really disgusting. You put like a pint of pig's blood into the batch and make this flat bread that is hard and dry and lasts forever. Then you heat up fat from a sheep and soak the bread in it until it's nice and squishy. Then you EAT it. With sauerkraut on the side."

"Interesting. Is that what you ate while growing up?"

"Luckily I managed to avoid it, along with eating rancid herring that has been stored for a year or two."

"Oh." Kimmy nods. "You mean surströmming. I eat that once every year. Tradition, you know."

"The only traditional food I eat, really, is semlor. With lots of whipped cream and marzipan." Penniewise licks her chops.

"What about dried fish?" Kimmy looks interested.

"It's kind of dull. But dried reindeer meat on the other hand… yummy."

"Yeah." Kimmy stares off into the distance. "A red, hard chunk of heaven."

"Small slices of heaven. I feel a sudden craving coming on. MEAT!" Penniewise starts drooling.

"Oh," Kimmy bites her lip. "You know, I'm not sure I'm up to hunting just yet."

"Actually, I was thinking about going grocery shopping. For jello... and burgers."

"Come on, you know I don't eat hamburgers." Kimmy starts to mutter and grumble. "Imperialistic… octopus… Bloody IKEA, democracy my ass. Cracked my tooth on the ham salad… mumble, mumble."

"What are you muttering about? Is IKEA secretly slipping bolts into their ham salads?" Penniewise arches an eyebrow and nicks Kimmy's half eaten sandwich.

Kimmy sighs. "Never mind. What the heck, we can get a burger if you really want to."

"Naa," Penniewise shrugs. "I think I want cashew chicken with sweet and sour sauce." She flicks a pair of chopsticks out of her pocket.

"Or a burger." Kimmy gets to her feet.

"Or a chicken." Penniewise separates the chopsticks.

"Consider a burger…"

"I thought you didn't like burgers."

"I said I would eat the burger, didn't I? Jeez."

"You could have a chicken burger. That way you get both."

"Oh joy," Kimmy says dryly. "Let's go then."

"Or… you could have burger flavoured jello shaped like a chicken. Or-"

"Sure." Kimmy takes a new napkin and dabs at her throat.

Penniewise starts singing. "Burger-flavoured-chicken-jello, burger-flavoured-jello-chicken. That's what we LIIIIIKE!"

"Love it to death." Kimmy opens the door.

Penniewise walks into the wall. "Hey, wait."

"What?" Kimmy turns around.

Penniewise gives her a serious stare. "You did it for the treasure, right?"

Kimmy pauses in the doorway. "Yeah, sure. I did it for the treasure." She walks out the door and Penniewise follows, skipping happily.