(ACT II SCENE II: Setting: A dismal courtroom. So dismal, it doesn't even look justice-granting.)
MARTHA: Please, please don't hang me! All I did was read a book!
HATHORNE: Was it a good book?
MARTHA: It was Shakespeare.
HATHORNE: Which play?
MARTHA: A Midsummer Night's Dream.
HATHORNE: Hang her.
MARTHA: Nooooooooooooo! Why?
HATHORNE. Because I don't like that play. It's too happy. And because I am the boss, and therefore, am uber-cool.
MARTHA: No! No! Please! (Gets dragged offstage)
GILES: I HAVE EVIDENCE! Gimme my wife back! Morons… out to get my land…
PARRIS: AND MY FIREWOOD! GRR!
GILES: I'll kill you all…
DANFORTH: Little man, you need a life. Get him outta here.
GILES: (faces HATHORNE evilly) I LIKE A Midsummer Night's Dream.
HATHORNE: (files nails) That's nice.
(GILES gets dragged offstage)
NURSE: I hate to say this to such a weighty judge, sir, but you are DECIEVED!
DANFORTH: (whispering) Don't you have a few lines before this?
NURSE: I hate to say this to such a weighty judge, sir, but you are DECIEVED!
DANFORTH: I'm never deceived. Wha? What the hell's Mary Warren doing here? (Whispering) Mary, look. I told you. It's over. Okay?
PARRIS: Seriously, Mary. He doesn't want you anymore. (Flips MARY off)
MARY: Waah.
PROCTOR: She's going to tell the truth. Okay? The truth. Something we've been missing in these here courts.
GILES: (Re-entering like it's going out of style) Aye, the truth! It wasn't A Midsummer Night's Dream! It was Hamlet!
HATHORNE: So, tell us the truth, Mary.
MARY: I… Mr. Proctor.
PARRIS: What? You're sleeping with Mr. Proctor, too?
PROCTOR: (coughs)
GILES: Aye, no. The truth is she never seen no spirits.
DANFORTH: (snorts)
GILES: Aye, the truth!
PROCTOR: We pretty much abandoned the phrase 'aye' a few months ago.
GILES: Oh. I'm uncool.
PROCTOR: But it's true. It was all pretense.
MARY: Pretense, sir!
HATHORNE: Then how did you FAINT?
MARY: Um. The other girls showed me how. They said if I didn't do it, they'd get the flyswatter out. And man, does that thing hurt!
DANFORTH: Fine, then. Get the other kids up in here. Um. I mean. In here. As in this courtroom.
CHEEVER: Err. Right. Whatever you say.
DANFORTH: Good little slimeball.
(Exit CHEEVER)
DANFORTH: You've been a very bad girl, Mary. You lied to us.
MARY: Did not.
DANFORTH: What?
MARY: I mean… right. I lied. Bad girl.
DANFORTH: Yes. You're going to jail for it after you tell us… unless… (Whispers something in MARY's ear)
MARY: But… I thought it was over!
(Re-Enter DANFORTH with all the little girls- SUSANNA, MERCY, RUTH, BETTY, HERKEMER, and ABIGAIL, who is wearing an evil look of contempt.)
DANFORTH: Ah. Here they are.
(The girls sit solemnly and stupidly.)
DANFORTH: Well? Aren't you going to scream? Faint? Be possessed? Something?
ABIGAIL: Err… no. Not yet.
HERKEMER: No one's attacking us yet. They're always fashionably late, you know.
DANFORTH: Okie dokie. So, Mary, you were telling us how you learned to faint?
MARY: That were pretense, sir.
DANFORTH: You couldn't spell 'pretense'.
HATHORNE: If you were really pretending, why don't you just faint now?
PARRIS: Yeah. Faint like it's going out of style!
MARY: Faint? (Giggles hysterically and runs to PROCTOR)
HALE: Mary, honey, you have to faint or they're going to hang you.
PROCTOR: Mary, come on. Remember what the angel told the boy.
MARY: You never DID tell me what the angel told the boy.
PROCTOR: Well, she told him… Abigail Williams is a liar!
WHOLE COURT: Wha?
ABIGAIL: I'm not a liar! I'm so completely innocent it hurts!
PROCTOR: Being innocent WOULD hurt you…
ABIGAIL: All I've done is point out the bad people, and you're going to call me a liar? Mistrust me? Deny me? How dare you? (Gasp) It's freezing. Girls, shiver. Aren't you cold? Brr. Mercy, hold me.
MERCY: Oh. Right. Brr. Brr. It's freezing in here. I demand you turn on the furnace right now.
ABIGAIL: Not that, you nimrod. Why do I even allow you to be my sidekick? We're being bewitched. It's freezing.
ALL GIRLS: Shiver. Brr. Cold. (Shivering)
MARY: That's not very nice.
RUTH: You're a very bad girl, Mary, to bewitch us!
HERKEMER: Shiver. I'm so cold.
SUSANNA: Yes. Freeze.
BETTY: Waah.
DANFORTH: Mary, are you sending your Sprite out on them?
MARY: I don't have any Sprite.
ABIGAIL: Take her Sprite away from me, Heavenly Father!
PROCTOR: Horse! How do you call heaven?
DANFORTH: Horse?
PROCTOR: Hey, we have to keep the courtroom G-Rated. It's televised. (Winks at camera) You all must see it! I didn't want to, but Abby just kept lifting her dress and kissing my neck… I couldn't help it!
DANFORTH: He's got a point there. Them horses can be pretty damn tempting. That's why I like to shoot them.
HATHORNE: You shoot horses?
DANFORTH: Oh, wait. That's squirrels.
PROCTOR: Could you help it? Any of you? Hale? I mean, look at Abby! She's just so damn hot! But she thinks to dance with me on my wife's grave! She thinks to do the Twist and play Jig-A-Low! But it is a horse's vengeance, I tell you!
DANFORTH: Squirrels are vengeful, too. Aw, hell. I believe him.
PARRIS: I don't. Hey, Proctor, get your "honest" wife in here. She'll tell us if you're lying.
PROCTOR: Why would I lie about sleeping with her?
PARRIS: (Flips PROCTOR off) Gaah! I don't know! Ask Arthur Miller!
PROCTOR: Who?
CHEEVER: I'll get her in here. My slime is attractive. She won't be able to refuse.
(Exit CHEEVER)
MARY: Proctor, remember what the angel told the boy.
PROCTOR: Shaddup.
DANFORTH: Okie dokie. You turn around. Horse, you too.
(They turn reluctantly. Re-enter CHEEVER and ELIZABETH.)
DANFORTH: Ah! Yes! Okay. Don't look at your husband. I doubt you would anyway. He's too ugly. And don't look at Abigail, either.
ELIZABETH: Am I the lifeline on "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?" or something?
DANFORTH: Err… whatever floats your boat. Now, tell us. To your knowledge, is this girl a sl- I mean, a horse?
ELIZABETH: You mean… if Abigail is a mare… is my husband a stallion?
DANFORTH: Exactly.
ELIZABETH: OF COURSE NOT! HOW DARE YOU ASK SUCH A THING?
PROCTOR: Remember what the angel told the boy?
ABIGAIL: What? Oh, suddenly I see a little yellow bird! Aah! It's trying to possess my soul! (Nudges MERCY) See the little yellow bird? It's scary-looking! Do you see it? It's going to eat us! Scream already!
(The girls scream like monkeys)
RUTH: Lord save us!
BETTY: It looks just like Mr. Whiteford!
SUSANNA: Oh, my GOD! It's going to eat me!
MARY: I don't see a bird.
ABIGAIL: I don't see a bird.
MARY: Whoa…
ALL GIRLS: Whoa…
DANFORTH: Damn kid's sending her Sprite out again.
PROCTOR: Spir-it. Okay? Spear. It.
MARY: What's going on?
ALL GIRLS: What's going on?
MARY: HAHAHAH!
ALL GIRLS: HAHAHAH!
MARY: I like squirrels.
ALL GIRLS: I like squirrels.
DANFORTH: So do I.
MARY: Go, go! Suck your toe! All the way to Mexico!
ALL GIRLS: What?
WILLARD: That's kinky.
PARRIS: No. The chains are kinky.
ABIGAIL: Oh, my God!
MERCY: Mary didn't say that.
ABIGAIL: The bird is going to come down! It's going to steal our souls… or something! Run madly!
(The girls all run madly, purposefully running into all of the guys seductively. They all end up in a corner, out of breath.)
HALE: That was hot.
DANFORTH: Got that right. (High-fives HALE.)
PROCTOR: Ah, screw it. You know what? I'm the witch. I bewitched all these little kids, and I'm going to hell. (Is dragged offstage.)
HALE: Dammit! I liked him.
DANFORTH: He was evil!
HALE: Maybe I'm evil, too.
DANFORTH: What are you implying?
HALE: I quit this court. (Exits.)
DANFORTH: Mister Hale! Mister Hale! (Does a dance. The whole courtroom breaks into a chorus, and everyone does a character dance.)
(THE CURTAIN FALLS.)