(ACT II SCENE 3: Setting: Outside. There are benches. TITUBA and SARAH are sleeping on them.)
TITUBA: Yo, Sari-girl, wake up, yo, time to go back to da hood.
SARAH: Aw, yeah. Hey, where's that hottie, Willard? You know? He's got all the booze. Mm.
TITUBA: I could use summa dat.
SARAH: Willard's my bitch.
TITUBA: Willard's MY bitch.
SARAH: (laughs insanely)
(WILLARD enters.)
WILLARD: H-hey, ladies.
SARAH: I want some vodka.
WILLARD: Ah, here. (Pulls a bottle randomly out of his pants.) Oh, wait, that's scotch. (Puts it back, pulls out another bottle.) Here you are.
SARAH: (Drinks whole bottle, gives it back) Thank you. I very much needed that. We're goin' to da hood today.
WILLARD: Really, now? Can I come?
TITUBA: Aw, naw. Dat damn Devil gonna take us. We gonna get down.
WILLARD: Actually, you're gonna get hung. (Cackles and chains them)
(Enter HOPKINS)
HOPKINS: No, no, Willard! Don't chain them to you! No! Don't chain them TOGETHER!
(Rechains TITUBA and SARAH)
TITUBA & SARAH: (look at each other, considering, then laugh) Naw! We ain't gonna die! No chance!
(A cow moos)
SARAH: Hey, it's the Devil!
TITUBA: No, it ain't! It's Goody Richardson!
SARAH: Same thing.
(Exit TITUBA, WILLARD, and SARAH. HOPKINS stands importantly with his arms crossed. Enter DANFORTH and HATHORNE, then re-enter WILLARD.)
HATHORNE: It smells like vodka.
WILLARD: Where could that have come from?
(Enter PARRIS.)
PARRIS: Waah.
HATHORNE: What now, Parris?
PARRIS: (Flips HATHORNE off.) My kid's gone.
DANFORTH: Oh, yeah right. You know you were sleeping with her, too. Wait, she's GONE?
PARRIS: Yes! Abby's gone! And Mercy! And they've robbed me! All thirty cents are gone! Even the five I had for firewood! (Kneels and cries.)
DANFORTH: That whor-se.
HATHORNE: Now, that child is innocent. She didn't rob you. I bet she was kidnapped! No one sees it coming, then- BAM! They find her body three days later.
PARRIS: She probably seduced the kidnapper, the little-
DANFORTH: Horse. In fact, she's not just a horse. She's a SQUIRREL, God Dammit.
PARRIS: Look, could we just… postpone this hanging thing?
HATHORNE: Hey, no way. I sold this show out. Canceling it now would be theatrical suicide.
WILLARD: Yeah, and I wanna see the show! I have a date! (Takes the slightly freaked HOPKINS by the arm.)
(Enter HALE.)
HALE: Guess what? They're all innocent!
PARRIS: Dammit! (Flips everyone off in general.)
HATHORNE: Reverend, did you get into Willard's liquor?
(Enter ELIZABETH.)
HALE: Hey, Lizzie! Your husband's innocent! Plead with him! (Jumps up and down gleefully.)
ELIZABETH: I'm aware.
HALE: So you'll plead?
ELIZABETH: Let me talk to him.
DANFORTH: No way, bitch! (Jumps in front of her.)
ELIZABETH: GRR!
DANFORTH: Okay, then. (Backs away slowly.)
(Exit Everyone but ELIZABETH and PROCTOR, who enters in chains.)
PROCTOR: Oh, great. Here comes the depression scene. I bet Mercy and Abby are hiding behind a tree, crying as we speak.
ELIZABETH: John, I have to tell you something.
PROCTOR: Let me guess. I'm a man-whore.
ELIZABETH: You knew that.
PROCTOR: True.
ELIZABETH: No, no. See, I have to tell you that this is… half my fault.
PROCTOR: You mean… you ran a cold household and prompted lechery?
ELIZABETH: No. Actually, I cheated on you, too. This baby is Willard's.
PROCTOR: Oh.
ELIZABETH: Yeah.
PROCTOR: No hard feelings.
ELIZABETH: I'm gonna miss you, J Proc.
PROCTOR: Oh, Lizzie. I always thought you were the hottest out of all my girlfriends. You know this. You were just the least slutty, that's all. I kiss you.
(They kiss sincerely. Re-enter HATHORNE.)
HATHORNE: Time to die, Johnny Proctor.
PROCTOR: No. Wait. I don't want to die.
HATHORNE: So you'll confess?
PROCTOR: Confess to what?
HATHORNE: That you saw somebody with the Devil.
PROCTOR: I didn't see anyone with the Devil… (a pause) But I don't want to die…
HATHORNE: HE'LL CONFESS! (Runs out gleefully.)
PROCTOR: Well, this sucks.
(Re-enter HALE, HATHORNE (jumping), CHEEVER (with paper), and DANFORTH.)
DANFORTH: All right, Slimeball, I want every word of this documented.
CHEEVER: Ay, ay, Captain. (Salutes.)
DANFORTH: Now, J Proc…
PROCTOR: Only Lizzie and Abby, my two best women, are allowed to call me that.
DANFORTH: I can be a good woman. Anyway. Did you ever see anyone with the Devil?
PROCTOR: Um…
DANFORTH: Did you ever see Sarah Good, for example, with the Devil?
PROCTOR: Well, no…
DANFORTH: Did you ever see Tituba with the Devil?
VOICE FROM OFFSTAGE: THAT'S TITTAY FROM DA HOOD, YO!
PROCTOR: No, I never saw Tittay from da hood with the Devil.
DANFORTH: Did you ever see ANYBODY with the Devil?
PROCTOR: Well, I saw Ruthie Putnam with Michael Jackson once…
DANFORTH: Okay. That's it. Hang him.
PROCTOR: No!
(Enter REBECCA, in chains.)
DANFORTH: Yes! Both of you!
PROCTOR: Well, fine, if you're going to be like THAT.
DANFORTH: Hang them high over Sin City!
REBECCA: But I haven't had my Fruit Loops yet!
HATHORNE: Fruit Loops?
REBECCA: Gimme a break. I got paid fifty bucks to mention them. I'm a working actor, and I wanna EAT this week. Eat your Fruit Loops, kids, part of a complete breakfast.
(Exit REBECCA, DANFORTH, WILLARD, HATHORNE, PROCTOR, and DANFORTH.)
PARRIS: Go after him! Hello? You guys are MARRIED, right?
ELIZABETH: Well, yeah…
(PARRIS flips her off and runs out, exasperated, in a funny fashion.)
HALE: Well, then? What?
ELIZABETH: I'm too tired. I haven't had my Fruit Loops, either.
(Everything darkens, but then lights up again. PROCTOR runs across the stage.)
PROCTOR: Oh, screw this! I'm going back to Da Hood, where they always got my back!
(THE CURTAIN FALLS)