Disclaimer: This stuff belongs to Shakespeare, who would either love me or hate me right now.
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One-minute Hamlet
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Hamlet: Mom, Dad, I'm back from school!
Horatio: How old are you again?
Hamlet: Thirty-something.
Horatio: (mutters( Took long enough.
Hamlet: Mom? Dad?
Horatio: Your father is dead.
Hamlet: Oh my!
Horatio: Your mom is remarried.
Hamlet: Oh my gosh!
Horatio: And your uncle is your stepfather!
Hamlet: This is worse than a soap opera!
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Ophelia: Hamlet loves me!
Polonius: Does not!
O: Does too!
P: Does not!
O: Does too!
P: Does not!
O: Does too!
P: Does not!
O: I'll prove it!
(everybody hides(
Hamlet: Hi, honey. I'm returning some of the borrowed things you gave to me.
O: You don't love me!
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Hamlet: You killed my father!
Claudius: Did not!
H: Did too!
C: Did not!
H: Did too!
C: Did not!
Ghost: Did too!
C: Did not!
H: I'll prove it!
(gets a bunch of actors(
H: Do your stuff!
(do stuff(
C: Give me light!
H: He's guilty!
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Fortinbras: (wind blowing across a desolate landscape( Darn. This place is so boring. I know! I'll attack Denmark! Yay! Uncle, can I have some money? And maybe a few troops and a couple of warships?
Norway: Okay!
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Rosencrantz: What are we doing here on this ship to England?
Guildenstern: (shrugs( We're random, pointless, dimensionless characters, kind of like Fabian from Twelfth Night, who has to speak in an absurd Cockney accent while reciting Shakespeare.
Rosencrantz: . . .
Guildenstern: What?
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(they both die(
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Polonius: Hamlet's crazy.
Hamlet: Am not! . . . Or am I?
Polonius: Hey . . . why are you looking at me like that!
(kills Polonius and drags body away(
Hamlet: Er, um . . . I thought he was Claudius!
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Hamlet: Mom, you're either with me or my uncle.
Gertrude: I didn't know about any murder, I swear!
Hamlet: . . .
Gertrude: . . .
Hamlet: . . .
Gertrude: I'm with you, son.
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Ophelia: I think I'll go mad, too! (drowns(
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Laertes: My father! My sister! (to Hamlet( You bastard!
Claudius: (to himself( I have to get rid of this kid. He killed Laertes's father! (to Laertes( We have to get rid of this kid. He killed your father! (to Hamlet( Let's have a duel.
Hamlet: You do not want to give me a sword right now.
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(duel ensues(
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(Laertes dies(
(Gertrude dies(
(Claudius dies(
(Hamlet dies(
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Fortinbras: (barges in( Tuh-duh! . . . Hey, where did everybody go?
Horatio: They're all dead. (hands Fortinbras crown( Here, enjoy.
Fortinbras: Woo-hoo!
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(the rest (e.g., Fortinbras) live happily ever after(
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The End
Not short quite enough?
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Hamlet: I'm home! Ack! Dad's dead! You did it!
Claudius: Did not!
Hamlet: I'll prove it! Actors!
Claudius: Give me light!
Hamlet: He's guilty!
Claudius: Let's fight!
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(Polonius dies(
(Rosencrantz dies(
(Guildenstern dies(
(Ophelia dies(
(Laertes dies(
(Gertrude dies(
(Claudius dies(
(Hamlet dies(
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(the rest (e.g., Fortinbras) live happily ever after(
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The End