A Most Unusual Occurrence

I am headmistress of a mixed boarding school. I look after several hundred hormonally disturbed teenagers, a staff of wand-happy war veterans, a semi-sentient building and an amorous squid.

One morning I wandered downstairs. Severus Snape was complaining to Hagrid.

'I don't care about the wretched creature's desires. It's singing love songs outside the dungeons at dawn and sunset. It's been sneaking its tentacles up to my window. Dither any more, and I'll castrate the squid and then start in on you.'

'But, Professor, he's in love. I canna do that to the poor thing.'

I could see that it was about time to intervene. Besides, the squid had been waking me up too.

'Hagrid. Could you at least talk to the squid, find out why it is attracted to the dungeons? I'm sure it's not natural for a squid to do this.'

'All righ'. We'll go down to the lake now.'

It was bright sunshine, and the squid was still on the surface of the lake, creating heart-shaped ripples. Hagrid made a series of sounds that sounded as if he were gargling with macaws. Severus just stood still with his arms folded.

Hagrid fell over backwards.

'Well, what is it?' I asked.

'It's incredible. He's in love with Hogwarts. He wants to make love with Hogwarts.' I realised at once that this must be stopped. The squid couldn't mate with an entire building, and it would be sure to be very very messy.

Severus was laughing in the background. 'Of course! I should have known! It's the first time for centuries that we've had a headmistress, though. The building takes on certain properties of its head - that's well known.' We all sighed. The moving staircases had been a direct effect of Dumbledore's headship. The man was a lunatic. 'Clearly,' Severus went on, 'it takes on your gender.'

'I don't want a giant squid in love with my buildings! That's quite revolting. You will simply have to dose it with potions until its libido is lowered.'

'There are no potions for unrequited love, Minerva. Surely you know that.'

Hagrid had been thinking deeply. 'Perhaps it's reacting like this because you're, eh, unattached, if you see wha' I mean.'

'I see no reason why that should be the case.'

Severus was smirking again. 'Why not test it out. Kiss one of us, here, now. If it stops the squid, we'll know what you have to do.'

'This is ridiculous. I'll do no such thing.' I turned round to leave, but Severus caught my arm.

'Turning cowerdly are we, Minerva? Are there things you won't do for the welfare of the school? Do you deserve to be its head?'

I couldn't have him saying things like that. So I kissed him. The squid's splashes perceptibly slowed. Severus had a secret smile on his face.

I can't really say what happened next, but it did involve a fully binding ceremony. The squid was best man.

The end.