If I Smile And Don't Believe, Hoshiko

Summary: After a mental breakdown following Hao's untimely death, Anna seems to have lost all of her memories except of her beloved Hao…one night, when she attempts to escape from the En Inn where Manta has been watching over her, she is stopped by none other than Eliza, who stops her tears and begins to act as a mother for her. But as she grows more and more dependent on this new, "mother," Anna's mind drifts farther and farther away..and all Yoh can do is watch. Will Faust be able to help he and Eliza give Anna up as the daughter they never had, their "Hoshiko?" …or will they play onto the illusion and let Anna die?

Disclaimer: The tortured, vertically-challenged, exhausted authoress does not own Shaman King so please don't hurt her. That would be rude and insulting to Faust and Eliza and Frankensteiny. You don't want to upset the poor dears.

A/N: I love this plot! I wanted to have a main character, but it frequently switches between many characters like Anna, Yoh, Eliza, and Faust…Yay for Faust and Eliza on their way to stardom!

Faust+Eliza: Damn straight!

Neko-Neko Faust VIII: My god, Faust you are a sexy beast!

Eliza: Second to that!

Faust: I am what I is!

All: big cheesy smile Have fun with this story! 'Tis dramatic and angsty but the Author Notes shall brighten your gloomy day! And please convince Neko-Neko Faust VIII to cease doing her author notes in script! 

Chapter Thirteen: Memories of Light- Faust POV

This is tearing me apart.

I cannot take it anymore….Eliza, please do something…

But as long as I think about this, with a sadistic, insane grin, I know I'm losing you too. And you're both sinking in the same boat. It's my fault.

"Daddy, give me a piggyback ride!" she cried cheerfully, her dark blond hair bouncing as she jumped.

Reluctantly, I gave a sigh and hoisted our sixteen year old "baby" on my pointed shoulders, despising every minute of it.

But how can hate combat with love for a daughter?

No matter how I try, how much I hate myself, I can't stop loving her. I can't stop loving Eliza…

I can't….

Stop loving the lie.

"This is fun!" Hoshiko squealed. I know beneath her happiness she's scared of me. Everyone is scared of me, Eliza, on the inside, may in fact be scared of me.

I'm scared of me….

It haunts me in my bed at night, it's something I didn't think about until much after what happened to Hoshiko. I didn't know at this time that I would think about it so much. It was little, insignificant, pointless.

But now I think about it all the time. I think about it and think about it until I want to slit my wrists. It drives me insane, to the point of not wanting to live…

Is that why I hated Hoshiko? Is that…why I loved to dinner please. The food is getting cold on your plate." called my beautiful Eliza, beckoning me to the dinner table.

I removed myself from my frigid study, and I tried to avoid Hoshiko's grip on my shoulders as I made my way to the dining room. I couldn't eat, but I did nonetheless. Stuffing the food into my mouth without time to taste it…I felt something sharp, metallic, enter my mouth….it stung.

And as I put my hand to my mouth, coughing, I felt blood spatter my hand, and I ran to the bathroom savagely, without a word to my beloved.

Suicide is different in many ways. I could never slit my wrists. I've read too much about it. Talked about it too much….

However….I could go to a third world country and sip belladonna tea as calmly as if I were sampling wine. When you kill yourself in an unfamiliar way-there is something obscure about it. Something…not quite fatal.

As I choked down the razor blade, I smiled and locked the door behind me, coughing a river of dark blood into the sink, and onto the floor. I stood there for hours, not hearing Eliza's frantic cries, Hoshiko's childish sobs. I heard nothing.

But I did hear my blood go dry. Sitting on the floor of the bathroom, I only then just realized what I had done. That I was going to die.

I tried to reach for help, to the door, to salvation, but was too weak.

"Someone….help her…." I whispered.

"Someone….please help Anna….please help Eliza….."

The pen dropped out of my hand.

A/N: Yes Faust died…in the most unfortunate way…I got so sad writing this!

If you recognized the belladonna tea thing from somewhere, and are like me, you would know that was from The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, The Unbeliever. By Steven Donaldson! If you haven't read the book you should read it! (end of shameless advertising)

Don't you think, if there were a movie, Steve Buscemi would make an excellent Thomas Convenant? I think so. But the movie shouldn't be done by Hollywood…it should be a high-budget independent film! (I love those kind of movies….)

Talk about it in the polls! Bye!