Hi! I'm Linwë Took! Before you start reading I would like to thank Molly W. for her LOTR fic which inspired me to do this one. Without further announcements I leave you with:

The Return of the King Summary

THE FINDING OF THE RING (PROLOGUE)

Smeagol and Deagol are fishing in a little boat. Suddenly, Deagol gets a bite.

Deagol: Look Smeagol! I got a bite!

The fish is so large it makes Deagol fall in the water.

Smeagol (to himself): Wow, that's weird. I never thought that we would catch anything with a tree stick and some gum...

(Author's comment: Me neither...)

When Deagol finally gets out, he stares at the ring. Smeagol approaches.

Smeagol: Deagol, my love, give it to me.

Deagol: Why should I? I found it!

Smeagol: Because... its our birthday and we wants it... hmm it would also match with my golden necklace...

Deagol: No! It's mine! And its NOT your birthday! That was last week!

Smeagol: Oh, damn! I thought you would believe me... OK... I will strangle you to death then.

ON THE WAY TO MORDOR

Smeagol: Wake up! You've been asleep to much time!

Sam: But I've only slept four hours... Have you slept Mr. Frodo?

Frodo takes his eyes off the ring for a moment.

Frodo: No...

Sam: You're becoming a bit obsessed... anyway, it must be late already...

Frodo: No.. it's one hour, fifteen minutes, forty six seconds after sunrise...

Sam: Wow... thanks... that's... precise...

ISENGARD

Merry and Pippin are smoking and eating. They seem a bit drunk too...

Merry: Wow! We were very lucky to find all this food!

Pippin: You know... is it fair that after sitting on a tree for a few days and not doing anything WE get a huge amount of food, while Frodo and Sam are struggling to save Middle-Earth without anything to eat and drink, except for dirty water and lembas crumbs?

Merry: Hmm, never thought of THAT before. Anyway this is not the right time for you to start thinking.

Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli arrive with Theoden. They meet the hobbits and follow them to see Treebeard. Once he explains that Saruman has no more power, Pippin sees the Palantir in the water.

Pippin: Cool, a shiny ball...

Merry: Wow, how did that get here?

Pippin: No idea

(Author's comment: Me neither ��)

Gandalf: Give me that Peregrin Took! It's not for you to hold that evil palanti... thingy.

EDORAS

Éowyn gives Aragorn a goblet. She speaks in a foreign language.

Aragorn: Wait a minute! Who do you think I am? Gandalf? I can't speak every damn language of Middle-Earth! I've had enough with Elvish... there are so many odd verbs and names...

Later, at night, Pippin sneaks out of bed to get the Palantir. He finds Gandalf sleeping with his eyes open.

Pippin: Man! This guy needs to see a doctor... that's not natural

Gandalf: Zzzz... Palantir be my nice teddy bear... zzzzzz

Pippin: Hmm, maybe if I replace it with a base, he may not notice the difference...

Pippin takes the Palantir and gets stuck. Meanwhile Legolas speaks to Aragorn.

Legolas: The enemy is moving... He's here!

Aragorn: Thanks Captain Obvious!

(Author's comment: I mean... duh!)

Merry wakes up Gandalf for help. Pippin doesn't seem to string two words together.

Pippin: Gandalf! Forgive me!

Gandalf: What did you see! What did you tell him!

Pippin: I... I saw... I didn't...

Gandalf: Speak for goodness' sake!

Pippin: I... didn't... tell... ANYTHING!

Gandalf: SO WHAT'S ALL THE WHINING ABOUT?

Pippin: I don't know... I just thought you'd be mad at me... you're always mad at me...

Gandalf: Ok, ok, just forget it!

THE NEXT DAY

Gandalf is explaining Sauron's plan to Théoden. When he realises he won't help, Gandalf goes to the stables with Pippin.

Pippin: Where are we going?

Merry: You stupid fool! Isn't it obvious? The enemy thinks YOU have the ring! They got to get you out of here!

Pippin: And you are coming with me, aren't you?

Merry: Of course not! Do you think I'd like to sit on a horse for three days in a row, just because you had to stick your nose in things that aren't your business ? No way!

Pippin: Oh... ok... I'll catch ya later then!

Merry roles his eyes.

ON THE WAY TO THE GREY HAVENS

Lady Arwen is on her way to the Havens. She has the vision of her son running towards Aragorn a few years later (Oh God! It seems like age finally caught up with the old fellow!). Arwen turns her horse and goes back... Nobody does a thing.

Figwit: My Lady... please... don't... (gives up easily) Well, I did everything I could.

BACK IN RIVENDELL

Arwen (To Elrond): You saw my child!

Elrond (taken aback by the sudden claim): Wha...?

Arwen (without letting him finish): You saw that in my future there was life! Not death as you've been reminding me every day for the last two months!

Elrond: (mutters to himself) Damn... she found out... maybe if I tell her it wasn't true she'll believe me again?

Arwen: (rolles her eyes) I heard that... You have no choice now! You'll have to let me die! Ha ha!

Elrond: Oh... ok...

LATER

Arwen sitting on a bench drops a book

People who hasn't read the book: What did THAT mean!

Arwen (to Elrond with an expressionless face): Reforge... sword...

Elrond: What?

Arwen: Reforge... sword...

Elrond: Er-Come again?

Arwen (now returning to her own self): Oh! OK I'LL DO IT!

She goes to the Smith and waits for the sword to be ready.

Arwen: From the ashes a fire will be woken... A light from the shadow shall spring... Renewed shall be blade that was broken... The crownless again shall be... Wait a second! Shouldn't I have done this earlier?

People who read the book: Yeah...

MINAS TIRITH

Gandalf: Ok Pippin, because you're always getting us into trouble, you're not going to say a damn word when we get in there!

Pippin: Thanks, that will help my self confidence.

They enter the hall.

Gandalf (very proud of himself): Hail Denethor! I come with tidings on this dark hour and with counsel.

Denethor: You think you're wise with all those big words, but can you tell me why my son is dead?

Gandalf looks at Pippin as though finding a way of blaming him for the news, but he can't. Instead he decides to stay with his mouth open.

Pippin sees the look on Gandalf's face and decides to take action.

Pippin: Boromir died to save my cousin and me. He tried to defend us from many foes that tried to kidnap us and ended up with three arrows in his chest... of couse he wasn't succesful...stupid gi-

Gandalf clears his throat loudly.

Pippin (adds quickly): oh! I mean brave hero! So I offer you my services...

Denethor: Why would I want a midget in my service? Mmm... well I s'ppose you can guard the kid's daycare or something...

Pippin: Hooray!

LATER

Pippin examines his uniform.

Pippin: So I suppose the sword is just a ceremonial possession, isn't it?

Gandalf: Yes Peregrin, and the war is just a costume party...

Pippin: Really!

Gandalf: NO!

Annoyed with Gandalf, Pippin goes to see the view from the balcony.

Pippin: Its so quiet...

Gandalf (metaphorically) : Its the deep breath before the plunge...

Pippin: Oh... I want to have a plunge in the lake too!

Gandalf rolles his eyes.

LATER

Gandalf: Here's a chance for you to prove you value Peregrin Took.

Pippin: Finally!

Gandalf: You have to climb up to there (he points at the very top of the mountain) and lit the beacon.

Pippin: Why don't you climb? You're bigger, it'll take you half the time it will take me.

Gandalf: I... I have... business to do... yeah... that's it.

Pippin: Oh! Ok

THREE HOURS AND 45 MINUTES LATER

Pippin: Finally! I've got to the top! But I still have to lit the beacon without being seen...Hmm (hopefully) maybe they won't be able to see as I am so little!

Voice in Pippin's head strangely like Merry's: That's a really stupid theory Pip...

But it seemed to work! Nobody noticed him!

ROHAN

Aragorn sees the lit beacons and runs to tell Théoden.

Théoden: If Gondor calls for aid, then Rohan will answer!

Aragorn: I thought you said you wouldn't help Gondor?

Théoden: I... well... shut up!

LATER ON

Aragorn (to Éowyn): What are you doing with a horse?

Éowyn: It is tradition that the women escort the men until they reach the campsite.

Aragorn: Ok, but what are you doing with a SWORD?

Éowyn: Mind your own business!

Aragorn: But I thought you fancied me!

Éowyn doesn't answer.

STILL LATER ON

Merry: I want to fight!

Théoden: No, you must stay.

Merry (angrily) : Meaning I'm not ready for this?

Théoden: Meaning you'll be nothing but a burden for one of my riders.

Merry walks away offended when he's grabbed from the back by Éowyn.

Merry: Aaargh! They're kidnapping me again! Please don't tie me to a tree again!

Éowyn: Shut up freak! I'm taking you with me!

Merry: Oh! My Lady! Wait, I wasn't supposed to know 'till later, right?

People who read the book: Yeah...

MORDOR

Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam are sleeping in the stairs... Sméagol throws the Lembas down the mountain. Frodo and Sam wake up.

Sam: Oh no! The food is gone! (points at Sméagol) IT WAS YOU! YOU FILTHY LITTLE-

Frodo: No Sam! It's YOU! Go away!

Sam: But Mr. Frodo, can't you see its him?

Frodo: Apparently I'm too stupid to realise. Now GO AWAY!

Sam: Well... I... I didn't expect that...

People who read the book: Me neither...

Sam goes down the mountain sobbing when he realises that he loves Frodo too much to leave him. Meanwhile, Frodo struggles to escape from Shelob.

SHELOB'S LAIR

Frodo: Saaaaaam! Please come back! I NEED YOU!

STAIRS

Sam (pretending he wasn't going to go back with him): Ohhhhhhhh! Now you want me back, huh? Where is your best pal Gollum? Forgot to tell you that there was a big dirty spider in the tunnel?

SHELOB'S LAIR

Frodo: Sorry Sam! I didn't mean it! I need you! Please help me! I was a git!

STAIRS

Sam: Finally you say something coherent... I'll think about it... Ok I'll go... Hang on!

Sam starts climbing the stairs.

MINAS TIRITH

Mmm... too many things at the same time... I'll try to sum it up:

Faramir: You don't love me father! I'll go and die!

Denethor: Fine with me!

CAMPSITE

Elrond: Aragorn you must take the path of the dead.

Aragorn: Where did you come from?

Elrond: Just go!

Aragorn: Ok, but I'll take Legolas and Gimli with me!

Gimli: ...Sigh...

Legolas: Great! More filth! What am i going to do with my hair?

MINAS TIRITH

Denethor: Noooo! Now my two sons are dead! I'll kill myself now!

Pippin: But he's alive!

Denethor doesn't listen so Pippin finds Gandalf

Pippin: Gandalf! Denethor has lost his mind!

Gandalf: Tell me something I don't know. Anyway, can't you see I'm in the middle of a battle here?

Pippin: Ok... I'll have to do it myself.

Pippin manages to save Faramir, but Denethor's clothes caught fire and he decides to jump off a cliff.

Pippin: Gandalf was right, why didn't I realise he was a nutter before?

Meanwhile, battle, death, blood, chopped heads flying around (Audience: Cooool! Now that's what we've been waiting for!), endless suffering.

MORDOR

Somehow Sam slays Shelob and then rescues Frodo from the tower of Cirith Ungól... apparently, the orcs where too stupid to realise it wasn't an elf warrior who broke in, but a small hobbit.

MINAS TIRITH

When there's no hope left Aragorn appears with an army of zombie-ghosts and destroys the rest of the orcs.

Audience: More cool stuff! Why did they keep it 'till the end?

Théoden dies.

Éowyn: Noooooo! I'll kill you cloaked man!

Ringraith: No man can kill me!

Éowyn: But I'm no man! Haha!

She takes her helmet off and stabs the Ringraith.

Merry: Hey, that was my part!

The battle is over.

Aragorn (to the army) : Now that you fulfilled you're duty, I have to let you go.

Gimli: No Aragorn! They may come in handy!

Legolas: They're not slaves you know! Besides, they're clothes are so old-fashioned...

Gimli(mutters): Stupid nancy...

Legolas: Shut up you... you dirty braided midget!

Gimli: Haven't you got a manicure appointment to go to?

Legolas: Yes... but that's not the point!

They continued arguing until Aragorn told them the plan to give Frodo the last chance... Finally they agreed to go.

MORDOR

Frodo: Help... me... can't... get... up...

Sam: I mustn't carry you... but I will anyway! The weed makes me have superpowers! Ha ha!

LATER

Frodo won't throw the ring into the volcano. Sméagol bites his finger off.

Frodo: Aaaargh! (To Sméagol) Why did you have to bit my finger off? Why couldn't you just take the ring off?

Sméagol: Because we likesss hobbitsesss blood precious! And it wasss fun anyway!

Sméagol starts dancing and falls into the volcano.

Frodo: What a freak! Well at least its over now!

Sam: Umm... Mr. Frodo, I think the lava is rising...

Frodo: Oh damn!

But then they're rescued by the eagles. Days later, they wake up and go to Aragorn's coronation. And though the following events where really long in the book, the movie seemed to summarise it in 5 minutes... The hobbits return to the Shire...

THE SHIRE

Frodo: Home at last!

Merry: Yeah, but isn't it weird that everything is the same and The Shire hasn't been affected by the worlds events?

Pippin: Who cares, everything is fine now!

Merry: But...

Pippin: Look, I'll buy you a beer and a bag full of weed if you shut up.

Merry (quickly): Ok!

AT THE GREY HAVENS

Gandalf (To the hobbits): Thanks for coming to say goodbye... anyway come on Frodo!

Sam, Merry and Pippin: WHAT?

Sam: But Mr. Frodo... you should have told me!

People who read the book: Yeah...

Frodo: Its ok Sam. You can't be always torn in two...and now you have little Elanor...and then you'll have Goldilocks, and Frodo lad, and Merry, (with a horrified look) and Pippin, and Faramir, and Hamfast, and Jim, and... good lord! You'll have a terrible life with all those crying babies!

Sam thinks that the ring may have affected Frodo's mind.

Sam: Yes, Mr. Frodo, that's right... you just go with Mr. Gandalf... he he...

When the ship disappears in the horizon, each hobbit goes his way. Sam gets home:

Sam: Well... I'm back!

Rosie: Yes! And now you've got to mow the lawn, get out the garbage and feed the baby and...

Sam: Aaaaaaaaargh!

The End

Author's comments: I want to say I'm not against the LOTR movies cause i think they're great, I just wanted to add a bit of humor, what I AM against is SLASH, cause its evil. Thats all, hope you've liked it!

Hi! I'm Linwë Took! Before you start reading I would like to thank Molly W. for her LOTR fic which inspired me to do this one. Without further announcements I leave you with:

The Return of the King Summary

THE FINDING OF THE RING (PROLOGUE)

Smeagol and Deagol are fishing in a little boat. Suddenly, Deagol gets a bite.

Deagol: Look Smeagol! I got a bite!

The fish is so large it makes Deagol fall in the water.

Smeagol (to himself): Wow, that's weird. I never thought that we would catch anything with a tree stick and some gum...

(Author's comment: Me neither...)

When Deagol finally gets out, he stares at the ring. Smeagol approaches.

Smeagol: Deagol, my love, give it to me.

Deagol: Why should I? I found it!

Smeagol: Because... its our birthday and we wants it... hmm it would also match with my golden necklace...

Deagol: No! It's mine! And its NOT your birthday! That was last week!

Smeagol: Oh, damn! I thought you would believe me... OK... I will strangle you to death then.

ON THE WAY TO MORDOR

Smeagol: Wake up! You've been asleep to much time!

Sam: But I've only slept four hours... Have you slept Mr. Frodo?

Frodo takes his eyes off the ring for a moment.

Frodo: No...

Sam: You're becoming a bit obsessed... anyway, it must be late already...

Frodo: No.. it's one hour, fifteen minutes, forty six seconds after sunrise...

Sam: Wow... thanks... that's... precise...

ISENGARD

Merry and Pippin are smoking and eating. They seem a bit drunk too...

Merry: Wow! We were very lucky to find all this food!

Pippin: You know... is it fair that after sitting on a tree for a few days and not doing anything WE get a huge amount of food, while Frodo and Sam are struggling to save Middle-Earth without anything to eat and drink, except for dirty water and lembas crumbs?

Merry: Hmm, never thought of THAT before. Anyway this is not the right time for you to start thinking.

Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli arrive with Theoden. They meet the hobbits and follow them to see Treebeard. Once he explains that Saruman has no more power, Pippin sees the Palantir in the water.

Pippin: Cool, a shiny ball...

Merry: Wow, how did that get here?

Pippin: No idea

(Author's comment: Me neither ��)

Gandalf: Give me that Peregrin Took! It's not for you to hold that evil palanti... thingy.

EDORAS

Éowyn gives Aragorn a goblet. She speaks in a foreign language.

Aragorn: Wait a minute! Who do you think I am? Gandalf? I can't speak every damn language of Middle-Earth! I've had enough with Elvish... there are so many odd verbs and names...

Later, at night, Pippin sneaks out of bed to get the Palantir. He finds Gandalf sleeping with his eyes open.

Pippin: Man! This guy needs to see a doctor... that's not natural

Gandalf: Zzzz... Palantir be my nice teddy bear... zzzzzz

Pippin: Hmm, maybe if I replace it with a base, he may not notice the difference...

Pippin takes the Palantir and gets stuck. Meanwhile Legolas speaks to Aragorn.

Legolas: The enemy is moving... He's here!

Aragorn: Thanks Captain Obvious!

(Author's comment: I mean... duh!)

Merry wakes up Gandalf for help. Pippin doesn't seem to string two words together.

Pippin: Gandalf! Forgive me!

Gandalf: What did you see! What did you tell him!

Pippin: I... I saw... I didn't...

Gandalf: Speak for goodness' sake!

Pippin: I... didn't... tell... ANYTHING!

Gandalf: SO WHAT'S ALL THE WHINING ABOUT?

Pippin: I don't know... I just thought you'd be mad at me... you're always mad at me...

Gandalf: Ok, ok, just forget it!

THE NEXT DAY

Gandalf is explaining Sauron's plan to Théoden. When he realises he won't help, Gandalf goes to the stables with Pippin.

Pippin: Where are we going?

Merry: You stupid fool! Isn't it obvious? The enemy thinks YOU have the ring! They got to get you out of here!

Pippin: And you are coming with me, aren't you?

Merry: Of course not! Do you think I'd like to sit on a horse for three days in a row, just because you had to stick your nose in things that aren't your business ? No way!

Pippin: Oh... ok... I'll catch ya later then!

Merry roles his eyes.

ON THE WAY TO THE GREY HAVENS

Lady Arwen is on her way to the Havens. She has the vision of her son running towards Aragorn a few years later (Oh God! It seems like age finally caught up with the old fellow!). Arwen turns her horse and goes back... Nobody does a thing.

Figwit: My Lady... please... don't... (gives up easily) Well, I did everything I could.

BACK IN RIVENDELL

Arwen (To Elrond): You saw my child!

Elrond (taken aback by the sudden claim): Wha...?

Arwen (without letting him finish): You saw that in my future there was life! Not death as you've been reminding me every day for the last two months!

Elrond: (mutters to himself) Damn... she found out... maybe if I tell her it wasn't true she'll believe me again?

Arwen: (rolles her eyes) I heard that... You have no choice now! You'll have to let me die! Ha ha!

Elrond: Oh... ok...

LATER

Arwen sitting on a bench drops a book

People who hasn't read the book: What did THAT mean!

Arwen (to Elrond with an expressionless face): Reforge... sword...

Elrond: What?

Arwen: Reforge... sword...

Elrond: Er-Come again?

Arwen (now returning to her own self): Oh! OK I'LL DO IT!

She goes to the Smith and waits for the sword to be ready.

Arwen: From the ashes a fire will be woken... A light from the shadow shall spring... Renewed shall be blade that was broken... The crownless again shall be... Wait a second! Shouldn't I have done this earlier?

People who read the book: Yeah...

MINAS TIRITH

Gandalf: Ok Pippin, because you're always getting us into trouble, you're not going to say a damn word when we get in there!

Pippin: Thanks, that will help my self confidence.

They enter the hall.

Gandalf (very proud of himself): Hail Denethor! I come with tidings on this dark hour and with counsel.

Denethor: You think you're wise with all those big words, but can you tell me why my son is dead?

Gandalf looks at Pippin as though finding a way of blaming him for the news, but he can't. Instead he decides to stay with his mouth open.

Pippin sees the look on Gandalf's face and decides to take action.

Pippin: Boromir died to save my cousin and me. He tried to defend us from many foes that tried to kidnap us and ended up with three arrows in his chest... of couse he wasn't succesful...stupid gi-

Gandalf clears his throat loudly.

Pippin (adds quickly): oh! I mean brave hero! So I offer you my services...

Denethor: Why would I want a midget in my service? Mmm... well I s'ppose you can guard the kid's daycare or something...

Pippin: Hooray!

LATER

Pippin examines his uniform.

Pippin: So I suppose the sword is just a ceremonial possession, isn't it?

Gandalf: Yes Peregrin, and the war is just a costume party...

Pippin: Really!

Gandalf: NO!

Annoyed with Gandalf, Pippin goes to see the view from the balcony.

Pippin: Its so quiet...

Gandalf (metaphorically) : Its the deep breath before the plunge...

Pippin: Oh... I want to have a plunge in the lake too!

Gandalf rolles his eyes.

LATER

Gandalf: Here's a chance for you to prove you value Peregrin Took.

Pippin: Finally!

Gandalf: You have to climb up to there (he points at the very top of the mountain) and lit the beacon.

Pippin: Why don't you climb? You're bigger, it'll take you half the time it will take me.

Gandalf: I... I have... business to do... yeah... that's it.

Pippin: Oh! Ok

THREE HOURS AND 45 MINUTES LATER

Pippin: Finally! I've got to the top! But I still have to lit the beacon without being seen...Hmm (hopefully) maybe they won't be able to see as I am so little!

Voice in Pippin's head strangely like Merry's: That's a really stupid theory Pip...

But it seemed to work! Nobody noticed him!

ROHAN

Aragorn sees the lit beacons and runs to tell Théoden.

Théoden: If Gondor calls for aid, then Rohan will answer!

Aragorn: I thought you said you wouldn't help Gondor?

Théoden: I... well... shut up!

LATER ON

Aragorn (to Éowyn): What are you doing with a horse?

Éowyn: It is tradition that the women escort the men until they reach the campsite.

Aragorn: Ok, but what are you doing with a SWORD?

Éowyn: Mind your own business!

Aragorn: But I thought you fancied me!

Éowyn doesn't answer.

STILL LATER ON

Merry: I want to fight!

Théoden: No, you must stay.

Merry (angrily) : Meaning I'm not ready for this?

Théoden: Meaning you'll be nothing but a burden for one of my riders.

Merry walks away offended when he's grabbed from the back by Éowyn.

Merry: Aaargh! They're kidnapping me again! Please don't tie me to a tree again!

Éowyn: Shut up freak! I'm taking you with me!

Merry: Oh! My Lady! Wait, I wasn't supposed to know 'till later, right?

People who read the book: Yeah...

MORDOR

Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam are sleeping in the stairs... Sméagol throws the Lembas down the mountain. Frodo and Sam wake up.

Sam: Oh no! The food is gone! (points at Sméagol) IT WAS YOU! YOU FILTHY LITTLE-

Frodo: No Sam! It's YOU! Go away!

Sam: But Mr. Frodo, can't you see its him?

Frodo: Apparently I'm too stupid to realise. Now GO AWAY!

Sam: Well... I... I didn't expect that...

People who read the book: Me neither...

Sam goes down the mountain sobbing when he realises that he loves Frodo too much to leave him. Meanwhile, Frodo struggles to escape from Shelob.

SHELOB'S LAIR

Frodo: Saaaaaam! Please come back! I NEED YOU!

STAIRS

Sam (pretending he wasn't going to go back with him): Ohhhhhhhh! Now you want me back, huh? Where is your best pal Gollum? Forgot to tell you that there was a big dirty spider in the tunnel?

SHELOB'S LAIR

Frodo: Sorry Sam! I didn't mean it! I need you! Please help me! I was a git!

STAIRS

Sam: Finally you say something coherent... I'll think about it... Ok I'll go... Hang on!

Sam starts climbing the stairs.

MINAS TIRITH

Mmm... too many things at the same time... I'll try to sum it up:

Faramir: You don't love me father! I'll go and die!

Denethor: Fine with me!

CAMPSITE

Elrond: Aragorn you must take the path of the dead.

Aragorn: Where did you come from?

Elrond: Just go!

Aragorn: Ok, but I'll take Legolas and Gimli with me!

Gimli: ...Sigh...

Legolas: Great! More filth! What am i going to do with my hair?

MINAS TIRITH

Denethor: Noooo! Now my two sons are dead! I'll kill myself now!

Pippin: But he's alive!

Denethor doesn't listen so Pippin finds Gandalf

Pippin: Gandalf! Denethor has lost his mind!

Gandalf: Tell me something I don't know. Anyway, can't you see I'm in the middle of a battle here?

Pippin: Ok... I'll have to do it myself.

Pippin manages to save Faramir, but Denethor's clothes caught fire and he decides to jump off a cliff.

Pippin: Gandalf was right, why didn't I realise he was a nutter before?

Meanwhile, battle, death, blood, chopped heads flying around (Audience: Cooool! Now that's what we've been waiting for!), endless suffering.

MORDOR

Somehow Sam slays Shelob and then rescues Frodo from the tower of Cirith Ungól... apparently, the orcs where too stupid to realise it wasn't an elf warrior who broke in, but a small hobbit.

MINAS TIRITH

When there's no hope left Aragorn appears with an army of zombie-ghosts and destroys the rest of the orcs.

Audience: More cool stuff! Why did they keep it 'till the end?

Théoden dies.

Éowyn: Noooooo! I'll kill you cloaked man!

Ringraith: No man can kill me!

Éowyn: But I'm no man! Haha!

She takes her helmet off and stabs the Ringraith.

Merry: Hey, that was my part!

The battle is over.

Aragorn (to the army) : Now that you fulfilled you're duty, I have to let you go.

Gimli: No Aragorn! They may come in handy!

Legolas: They're not slaves you know! Besides, they're clothes are so old-fashioned...

Gimli(mutters): Stupid nancy...

Legolas: Shut up you... you dirty braided midget!

Gimli: Haven't you got a manicure appointment to go to?

Legolas: Yes... but that's not the point!

They continued arguing until Aragorn told them the plan to give Frodo the last chance... Finally they agreed to go.

MORDOR

Frodo: Help... me... can't... get... up...

Sam: I mustn't carry you... but I will anyway! The weed makes me have superpowers! Ha ha!

LATER

Frodo won't throw the ring into the volcano. Sméagol bites his finger off.

Frodo: Aaaargh! (To Sméagol) Why did you have to bit my finger off? Why couldn't you just take the ring off?

Sméagol: Because we likesss hobbitsesss blood precious! And it wasss fun anyway!

Sméagol starts dancing and falls into the volcano.

Frodo: What a freak! Well at least its over now!

Sam: Umm... Mr. Frodo, I think the lava is rising...

Frodo: Oh damn!

But then they're rescued by the eagles. Days later, they wake up and go to Aragorn's coronation. And though the following events where really long in the book, the movie seemed to summarise it in 5 minutes... The hobbits return to the Shire...

THE SHIRE

Frodo: Home at last!

Merry: Yeah, but isn't it weird that everything is the same and The Shire hasn't been affected by the worlds events?

Pippin: Who cares, everything is fine now!

Merry: But...

Pippin: Look, I'll buy you a beer and a bag full of weed if you shut up.

Merry (quickly): Ok!

AT THE GREY HAVENS

Gandalf (To the hobbits): Thanks for coming to say goodbye... anyway come on Frodo!

Sam, Merry and Pippin: WHAT?

Sam: But Mr. Frodo... you should have told me!

People who read the book: Yeah...

Frodo: Its ok Sam. You can't be always torn in two...and now you have little Elanor...and then you'll have Goldilocks, and Frodo lad, and Merry, (with a horrified look) and Pippin, and Faramir, and Hamfast, and Jim, and... good lord! You'll have a terrible life with all those crying babies!

Sam thinks that the ring may have affected Frodo's mind.

Sam: Yes, Mr. Frodo, that's right... you just go with Mr. Gandalf... he he...

When the ship disappears in the horizon, each hobbit goes his way. Sam gets home:

Sam: Well... I'm back!

Rosie: Yes! And now you've got to mow the lawn, get out the garbage and feed the baby and...

Sam: Aaaaaaaaargh!

The End

Author's comments: I want to say I'm not against the LOTR movies cause i think they're great, I just wanted to add a bit of humor, what I AM against is SLASH, cause its evil. Thats all, hope you've liked it!