A/N – I just want to say thanks again for all the great reviews. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that there were people out there that were kind enough to review not only once, but every chapter. I know it's easy just to read through something and not take the time to click that little review button, but you guys do it for me and it's the best motivation in the world. Every chapter, you guys challenge me, ask questions, give suggestions and even go so far as to note little grammatical errors that I sometimes make. By the way, I hope you can overlook the grammar and misuse of "" and ()…I try not to do it, but it's inevitable since I'm trying to put these chapters up as quickly as possible. Anyway, I just really really wanted to let you guys know how much I appreciate it. I'm about to do some things that some people won't like, but I can't please everybody all the time. Just keep in mind that I'm an Animorphs fan too, and everything will come together in the end. Enjoy!

Chapter 17

Rachel

After getting Jake to start thinking about all of his options, I went looking for Tobias. It didn't take long – he was making broad circles over the palace. I waved him down and walked over to the edge of our landing area, trying not to lose my balance on the tricky terrain. The black sand that made up the soil of Xylen was more like dust than sand grains. I sat on a black, glassy rock that had been formed when a laser blast had hit the sand, superheating and fusing it into the smooth obsidian boulder that served as my seat. Tobias quietly demorphed and sat beside me.

I didn't speak for a long time, and neither did he. He held my hand and we looked out over the strange, alien landscape. Between the black sand, the purplish twilight, and the blue tint the atmosphere gave the moon, Xylen looked like the birthplace of Jason, Freddy, Michael Myers, and every other horror movie villain I'd ever seen. The sounds made it a little less intimidating. Little flying lizards would come out of nowhere, chirping to each other in their sing-song voices. Things that looked a cross between a baby alligator and a snake would jump up out of the sand, trying to catch a lizard who'd become careless enough to wander in range of its pit. The dark, fast-moving clouds darted across the moon, casting strange shadows on everything.

"I missed you, Rachel," Tobias said quietly. I heard his voice crack and didn't look at him. I didn't want to see the tears on his face. If I did, I didn't think I'd be able to stop my own from coming.

"Tobias…you have to understand," I said gently. There was no way this was going to be easy, but I needed to tell him. "I was dead. I don't know what the afterlife was. If there was one, I didn't go there. At least not to one of the places you read in the bible or whatever. I can't help thinking that I was just put on hold by the Ellimist, but I wonder if even he knew that he was going to need me again. I wasn't able to think, wherever I was – it just wasn't an option. It's like my body was gone, and I was made up of just emotions. Regret was a big one. I was lonely, but it wasn't the way you think. I can't get my head around it, and I was there."

"In other words, being dead sucks," I said, half-joking. "But as bad as it was, being alive knowing I hadn't done all I could to prevent the spread of evil would have been worse. Tobias, I care about you. A lot. But you've got to understand that we have a job to do, and it's a million times more important than the last one. You might say, 'Oh, it's not fair, we never got to have a childhood,' or whatever, but me, you, Jake, Cassie, Marco, and Ax are the most important people this galaxy have ever known. If we succeed, in a million years people are still going to know our names. They'll know we were the reason they're alive."

"Don't you think I know that?" he said angrily, which surprised me. "I don't suppose you've stopped to think about what the past few years have been like for me. Every day I would ache from losing you, and it didn't get better with time. If anything, it got worse. Every night before I went to sleep, I would ask whoever was out there to not let me wake up. I went on living after you were gone, Rachel, because I knew that's what you would have wanted. But I was just going through the motions. I was never really alive after you went away." I started to interrupt, but he stalled me by holding his hand up. "I'm not finished," he said with an edge I didn't remember him possessing. "I hated Jake. I hated him for what he sent you to do. I knew that he was right, but I hated him anyway. Then he comes to me and says, 'Ax got kidnapped while looking for the Blade ship,' with the implication that if we found Ax, we'd find the Blade ship. I could blow it up and avenge your death. I took off with Jake and prayed for the day we'd find it."

"The last thing I remember before seeing you again was Jake ordering Menderash to ram the Blade ship. I remember seeing that ship…that monument to evil filling up the viewscreen, and I knew I was about to die. You know what? I welcomed it," he said fiercely. "I was about to be with you again by dying to avenge your death. It sounds ridiculous, right? Something straight from Shakespeare." He reached up and tilted my head to face him, and I locked my jaw. His face was tear staned, but there was a look in his eye that I couldn't ever remember being there. I wasn't sure if it was desperation, fear, or determination, but it looked good on him. "Then, enter the Ellimist. He says, 'Oh, by the way, here's another chance. A chance for you to start over.' Rachel, that just doesn't happen. I still can't believe it. What am I supposed to do? Let you go off and get yourself killed again?"

I dug my bare toes in the sand. As much as I felt for Tobias right now, I still wasn't thinking clearly. Old ways of thinking died hard, and I wasn't sure I wanted them to die at all. "You know, I don't know whether to slap you or kiss you," I told him a little more harshly than I'd meant to. "I know you missed me. A part of me appreciates it. But come on Tobias – you know damn good and well I'd have wanted you to get on with your life. The war was over – you should have morphed to human, waited for two hours, and enjoyed yourself. If I would have made it through, you know what I would have done?" I asked him, and he shook his head no. His tears had stopped coming now, and I was starting to feel a little better. "I'd have walked straight to the mall. I'd go into the middle of the food court and yell, 'Hey, it's me, Rachel Berenson! I just saved all of you from horrible deaths or alien infestation, so I'm going shopping until I can't do it anymore, and I'm not paying for a damn thing!'"

Tobias actually chuckled. "You know, I can actually see you doing that. If we make it through this, I think I'll do just that."

"Do what?"

"Morph to human for good. Go shopping with you. Maybe get a place for me…and you," he said hesitantly.

I smiled and kissed him. "That sounds like the best idea I've ever heard."

His good cheer faded and he sighed. "I guess there's no stopping you from going with Marco to the planet of the psychos. I'm not sure that I want to stop you. Please come back alive. I want to go shopping."

I smiled again. "Of course. You teach these Taruffs how to kick Yeerk ass, and I'll go tell the Trunsk they're fighting on the wrong side. If they don't believe me, I'll prove it," I said, showing teeth.

Tobias chuckled. "I missed that smile every day. That insane, 'you-don't-know-who-you're-messing-with smile.' I never thought I'd see it again."

"You'll be seeing a lot of it." I looked Tobias up and down. "You know, you look pretty good in bike shorts, but we are going to have to get something better, something matching. I mean, come on – it's about time the animorphs started looking like the superheroes that we are."

He kissed me and I stopped talking. I rested my head on his shoulder, and we sat there for a long while, just the two of us. Sitting on a rock in a strange alien desert with Tobias. There's nowhere I'd have rather been.