Wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
But I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone
Usagi liked the rain. The cool drops of water washed away the tension from her shoulders. When she was out in the rain, she could almost pretend she didn't hurt anymore. She could sit out in the rain for hours and pretend that life was the way it had been four months ago, before they all forgot her. Now she was alone. Alone with the burden of the knowledge that life had been different. Once, they had been the best of friends. Fate had thrown them together, and now it had ripped them apart, tearing Usagi's soul in two.
But it was okay. They were happy and that was all that mattered. She didn't need happiness. She could continue on just fine with her precious memories.
And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land
She had long since removed her buns. The rain had turned her hair into dark gold liquid silk, and she removed them to make sure her hair wouldn't tangle. It slid down her back in a waterfall of waves, nearly touching the ground. Her clothes were plastered to her body, and she walked with her black shoes held in her hands. Her bare feet padded nearly silently against the cold, wet cement. Blue eyes cast downward drifted sightlessly across the ground. She moved unusually slowly, her pink lips an unsmiling line across her usually cheery face.
From inside the café Motoki watched Usagi make her way towards the park. He walked from behind the counter, opened the door, and called out to her.
"Tsukino-san! Want some hot chocolate? It's too cold and wet for you to be outside!"
Usagi stared at him in shock for a moment. Even Motoki hardly knew her.
"No, thank you, Furuhata-san! My mother is expecting me for dinner. Maybe some other time!" Usagi forced a brilliant smile onto her face and cheeriness into her voice, as she waved enthusiastically at Motoki. She skipped far enough to be out of sight to Motoki from the arcade, and then resumed her sullen demeanor. Her wounded heart broke a little more.
And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing
An icy breeze caressed her wet cheeks, causing a shiver to race down her spine. She made her way down the winding path to the center of the park...to the rose garden. Mamoru's roses came from this garden. The fragile flowers seemed even more beautiful in this stormy weather. The brilliant blood red was stark against the gray sky, the rain leaving perfect crystal drops on the petals. The scent of roses and rain was thick in the air, sweeter than perfume, and brought back bittersweet memories to Usagi.
Mamoru had neglected the lovely flowers as of late. They grew almost wildly, lending a romantic air to the small garden. The once neatly pruned garden was alive with blooms. Small, delicate climbing tea roses crept over the walls, reaching for the gray sky with green tendrils. Huge, looming rose bushes tangled together. Even the entrance to the small garden was nearly impossible to see, surrounded as it was from every angle by red, red roses. A small, white marble bench stood in the middle of the garden, atop the soggy grass. Usagi walked gingerly over to it, seating herself upon it. She closed her eyes, breathing in the fresh, clean scent of the rain on roses. It smelled like life starting anew. It smelled like forgetting and remembering, all at once.
Let me know that you hear me
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me
And let that be enough
Silent tears traced her cheeks, but a tiny smile graced her pink lips. Soaking wet and shivering, she felt at peace. Here, among Mamoru's roses, she could be among friends again. Here, she could remember happier days and cry alone. Here, she could pretend that she was as happy and carefree as her former friends were.
Ami had her prestigious prep school, and all her elite friends. Minako had finally gotten the part of the sailor-suited warrior of justice, Sailor V, and was filming the movie at the studio downtown. Lita had enrolled in cooking school, and was close to getting a scholarship to study abroad in France. Rei was a Shinto priestess who now officially ran the temple...and she and Mamoru were dating.
None of them needed Usagi anymore. No one needed her, in fact. There was no longer a need for Sailor Moon...Usagi's job was done. Now, all she had to do was sit back and watch life slowly slip by.
"Excuse me, miss. Should you really be here this late? You'll catch a cold if you're out in this weather much longer."
Usagi gasped and jumped at the sound of the familiar voice. Her blue eyes widened as she saw Mamoru, with Rei in tow, enter the garden under the shelter of a giant, black umbrella.
"Oh...yes, you're right. I'll go home." Usagi picked up her shoes and walked towards the exit. When she reached it, she paused to look back at the couple who watched her curiously. Neither showed any sign of recognition. She sighed forlornly.
"Please...don't cut the roses, Chiba-san. They're beautiful as they are now." Usagi slipped silently from the garden, eyes cast downward once again.
"What a strange girl," Mamoru mused thoughtfully. "I wonder how she knew that I tend the roses."
"I've seen her before," Rei said, reaching out to touch a bright red bloom. "She comes by the temple to pray every once in a while. She's right, though. The flowers are very beautiful like this. It would be a shame to cut them."
Outside the garden, Usagi breathed a sigh of relief. Neither of them had noticed...after all, in the rain, who can see tears?
It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this Thursday
Twenty-two years ago
Usagi did not go home. She could not go home. As long as it was raining, she would be outside, walking, thinking, remembering, praying. She was beyond the cold, now, beyond anything but the numbness she'd been longing for. They could not remember. They would not remember. How could they, when now they were all so happy? She could not put her happiness above theirs. She would be a true friend until the end. She would remember for all of them.
Resignedly, she sat down, leaning up against a tall willow tree. She drew her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them tightly, and staring up into the green, drooping branches. The pounding rain easily penetrated the branches, and Usagi stared up into the quickly darkening sky, letting the rain splatter soothingly on her face. Even she couldn't tell the difference between the rain and tears.
And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needy
The sky was dark. It was probably nearing midnight. Somewhere in the distance, a lamp glowed like the moon. Usagi stood up, sighing softly. Still it rained. She had to go home, if only for appearance's sake. She could sneak out later, when her parents thought she was asleep.
"I thought you were going home."
Usagi faltered at the sound of the words, and she would have fallen, if not for the steady hand grasping her arm. Slowly, she turned to face him. Mamoru stood, still holding the giant black umbrella, regarding her curiously. Rei was conspicuously absent.
"Thank you, Chiba-san. I was just getting home." Usagi bowed, and turned to walk away.
"Take my umbrella." It wasn't a request, but a demand. He held the umbrella out to her, his clothes getting wetter by the second.
"No, no. I'm already wet. You'll ruin your clothes," Usagi said, shaking her head.
"I insist. It's bad for you to be out in the rain for so long. Trust me. I'm studying to be a doctor." Mamoru moved closer, catching up one of her hands, and placing the handle of the umbrella in it. Her fingers trembled, and he closed them gently around the handle, holding them there with his own hand until he was sure she wouldn't drop it.
"Go home. You can return it the next time I see you. I will see you again, won't I, miss...?" Mamoru trailed off, waiting.
"Tsukino. Usagi Tsukino. No, you won't see me again, Chiba-san. We're not supposed to see each other any more. I thank you for the use of your umbrella." Usagi's eyes were downcast once again, as if she could not bear to look at him for one more second. She turned away and walked a few feet, before she stopped and whispered cryptically,
"Be happy."
Let me know that you hear me.
Let me know your touch.
Let me know that you love me.
And let that be enough
Usagi slowly made her way home, noting with sadness that even the umbrella carried the scent of roses. She turned the key in the lock, opened the door, and called softly,
"I'm home, Mama."
"It's about time," came the reply, as her mother stepped into the hall. One look at Usagi's bedraggled appearance, and the anger left her at once.
"Oh, darling, what happened?" Ikuko stroked her daughter's soaking hair, setting the wet shoes on the floor to dry.
"Nothing, Mama. I just had a bad day." On the verge of tears once again, Usagi swiped at her eyes.
"Usako, you cry all the time, now. Please tell me what's wrong." Ikuko dabbed at Usagi's cheeks with a handkerchief.
"Please don't call me that, Mama. It's what he used to call me. I'm really okay, Mama, don't worry about me. See, I'm just fine." Usagi forced a bright smile, struggling to get out a laugh that fell flat of its usual ring.
Neither was convinced.
"I won't be in late again, Mama. I'm really tired. I think I'll just have a bath and go to bed." Usagi trudged past her mother, up the stairs, and into her room. She waited for her mother to go to bed, changed clothes, and climbed out her window, back into the storm.
In the pouring rain, she walked halfway across Juuban district to Mamoru's apartment. She walked up eighteen flights of stairs to his penthouse apartment, and laid the umbrella down on his doorstep. She walked home in the rain.
Outside, it smelled fresh. The air was crisp and damp. The rain had gone, and so had Usagi's depression. She was still lonely, and she still wanted nothing more than to cry until her broken heart mended...but life moved on, and so would she.
She had spoken once again with Mamoru. From that she could develop closure. He had shown kindness to her, a girl her did not remember loving. At least she had gotten to speak with him one more time. It would be enough.
Please, please, let that be enough.