Epilogue (Part three)

Jake

Ax and I rode in the limo Marco'd sent to pick us up at my house. Ax and I had been visiting with my parents, and I was relating to them the story of how, many years ago, Ax had spent three days pretending to be me. We'd left out the part about me being a controller – no reason to make my parents flip out any more than they had been. My mom still couldn't look at Ax without weird facial expressions. Surprisingly, my dad was dealing with the fact that an Andalite was standing in our kitchen pretty well.

Marco had called and insisted he'd send one of his drivers to pick us up. I'd said fine – Marco loved to take any chance to flaunt his wealth. When I was at his place, he loved telling me how much this had cost, or feigning surprise when I told him I didn't have one. Same old Marco.

As the stretch pulled up, I felt dumb for a minute – Andalites didn't exactly ride in human cars. Ax was already morphing to human, though, which was cool – Marco said he was going to have all kinds of food and junk at the party, and for once, we could all sit back and watch Ax go crazy and not have to worry about getting seen by some Yeerks. I actually kind of looked forward to it.

The driver, who'd introduced himself as Carlton, swung the big limo into Marco's ridiculously long driveway. Ax, who'd spent most of the ride standing on the seat with the upper half of his body out of the sunroof, climbed back down into the passenger compartment. "I think we are here, Prince Jake. Hee-yer. We are driving on rocks in front of a large human dwelling. Rocks. Ocks."

I smiled. No matter how many times Ax morphed a human, he still liked to play with mouth sounds. "It's Marco's driveway," I told him as we stepped onto the porch.

"Yes. Humans drive on a driveway. Greetings, Marco," he said as the humongous double front doors swung open and Marco swaggered out. I resisted the urge to bust out laughing.

He had on a luxurious maroon terrycloth robe with his initials embroidered on the back, like a boxer. His swim trunks were made of gold thread, and he sported sunglasses I remember him wanting back in eighth grade. An enormous cigar hung out of his mouth, and a highball glass filled with an amber substance sparkled in the sunlight. "Heeeey!" Marco grinned, doing a pretty good Tony Soprano impersonation. "Jake, Ax, the pleasure is all mine. Can I get you something to -"

He cut himself off when Ax snatched the cigar out of his mouth. Ax started to put the lit end into his mouth, but apparently thought better of it. He turned it around and stuck it in his mouth, but instead of puffing it, he bit off about three inches and started chewing. His eyes went big and he started sweating, but he kept chewing. "Interesting. Ing. There is a slight pain that comes from this. It reminds me faintly of cigarette butts, but the texture is better. Faintly. Ain't. This is a decent human food. Ood," he concluded.

Marco gestured us into his brilliant foyer. "It's not food, Ax. It's called a Cuban, and they're very hard to get a hold of. Lucky for me, Castro was a controller for the last twelve years. Turns out the Yeerk was the crazy dictator. Fidel is actually a pretty sweet guy. The trade embargo with Cuba was lifted while we were gone. I'll call him up and ask him to mail me some more."

I couldn't help it. I cracked up laughing, and Marco stopped to stare. Ax stared too as he bit off another mouthful of cigar, which made me laugh even harder. "Marco, you're friends with Fidel Castro?" I asked. I started to say more, but a wave of laugher so intense shook me that I couldn't.

Ax looked at Marco. "I believe Prince Jake has lost his mind," he said calmly. "Do you have any more Cubans to eat? Cyoo-yoo-yoo-bans?"

Marco threw his arm around Ax and led him to the kitchen. I followed behind, still giddy from my laughing fit. Ax in a well-stocked kitchen? This I had to see.

Ax tried caviar, which he declared to be not to his liking – a definite first. He tasted several other finger foods and decided he would like to eat the pigs-in-a-blanket platter. The whole thing. "Do you have any engine oil to drink?" he asked Marco between mouthfulls of bread and hot dog. Now it was Marco's turn to laugh.

"Come over to the fridge, Ax-man," he said. "I have a bunch of stuff that's made solely for humans to drink."

Ax peered into the refrigerator. "Coca-cola. Ola. Red Bull. There is water," he pointed out. "But it is in a bottle. How convenient to a creature with a mouth! Starbucks. Starbucks! In the mall I tried some excellent brown powder from that store! Powder. Owder. They mix it with hot water and wrap it in a tasty cotton shell."

I laughed. "That's the by-product of making coffee," I told him. I held up the frappucino. "This is the result. If you liked the coffee grinds, you'll love this." Ax stopped cramming his mouth long enough to figure out how to open the glass bottle. When he did, he uncertainly pressed the opening to his lips. He poured some frappucino in, and his eyes went huge. He chugged down the entire bottle in like point five seconds.

"Delicious! Wonderful! Full! I must have more!" Without waiting for permission, Ax pulled out several four-packs of the drinks and began tossing them back as soon as he could open them. Marco and I watched with a sick fascination as the boy took down bottle after bottle after bottle.

"Should we remind him to breathe?" Marco whispered. I was too enthralled by Ax's binge to answer.

Five minutes and nineteen bottles of frappucino later, Ax laid down on the marble kitchen floor, dribbling brown liquid out of his mouth. "I am very full. Full. Ull. I think I will go purge my human stomach to make room for more. Is there an appropriate place to do that?"

Marco shot me an amused look. "Ax, you're not supposed to do that. Wait until it goes through your system naturally."

Ax burped loudly. "Humans do not purge to make more room? Sharks do," he pointed out.

"Sharks throw up?" I wondered out loud.

"Oh, yes. When there is an abundance of California Market Squid during their mating cycle, sharks will swim through the masses with their mouths open. When the shark cannot eat anymore, it vomits and continues feasting. It is an interesting survival method, one born of the fact that sharks do not know when they will find another meal," Ax informed us. He'd absorbed the World Alminac and the Guiness Book of World Records, thus becoming an expert on all things useless.

"Yeeah," Marco said. "Anyway. Jake, get yourself something and lets go out by the pool. It's too pretty a day to watch the space cadet give himself caffeine poisoning in my kitchen."

I looked at Marco's glass. "What are you having?" I asked, curious.

He grinned. "This, my friend, is the finest whiskey money can buy. Can I have Wetherbee make you one? Please!"

I balked. "Marco, you're not even old enough to drink."

"True. But what are they going to do, arrest me?" he posed.

I'd never drank alcohol in my life. It's not that I thought it was bad – my dad was a good guy, and he liked to drink beer sometimes. It's just that growing up, I'd always had more important things to do than party. After it was all over, Rachel and Tom were dead. I didn't drink because I knew if I started, I might not ever stop. "I guess," I said. "Let me taste yours first."

I did, and after spitting into the sink, Marco paged his butler, Wetherbee. "Make Jake here a screwdriver, please," Marco asked, and as he left to fill the order, he called to Wetherbee's back, "And keep it honest. Jake isn't a big drinker. He just spit a mouthful of my Louis out." Wetherbee turned around and gave me a look that he'd normally give to someone breaking into his house, and shook his head as he disappeared around the corner.

"What was that all about?" I asked Marco. "Wetherbee looked like he wanted to slap me."

Marco laughed as we went out back to his gorgeous pool area. "The fact that you just spit out something that costs more than his car probably did make him want to hit you. The particular bottle that this came out of was a couple thousand," he said nonchalantly.

I gave him a sideways look as he stretched out in a reclining pool chair. "Why on Earth would you waste that kind of money on booze?"

"First of all, because I'm rich," he said, pulling his shades down over his eyes. "Secondly, I didn't. It was a gift from Prince Charles. He's even richer than me." Wetherbee showed up with a tall glass of orange juice on a silver tray, and I took it.

"Will that be all, Marco?" he asked politely. Marco nodded without looking and made a dismissive gesture, and Wetherbee bowed and retreated. I resisted the urge to laugh and took a very small, very hesitant sip of the drink I'd been delivered.

Mostly it tasted like watered down orange juice, but there was a hint of liquor. "Not bad," I decided. Way better than the crap Marco was drinking. I didn't exactly tell him what I was thinking, because I didn't want to get into a debate, but to me, a two thousand dollar bottle of crap was still a bottle of crap.

Ax stumbled out of the house and collapsed into the recliner next to mine. He was shaking convulsively. "Amazing. I believe that the Starbucks had a psychoactive effect on my human brain. The physical manifestation is violent seizures. I may have to demorph to rid my body of the toxins. Rocks. Tox. Roxins. Are those words similar?"

"It's called caffeine," Marco said disinterestedly. "You need to watch Beavis and Butthead."

"Beavis? Butthead?" Ax wondered. "They are animated characters created by Mike Judge. They are considered some of the most offensive animations in human culture."

"Marco is Beavis," I teased.

"Well guess who that makes you?" he shot back.

"I believe I will demorph now. I am experiencing some early warning signs of upcoming involuntary regurgitation," Ax said, and started to demorph. As his Andalite features resurfaced, he looked longingly at the pool with his stalk eyes. (I haven't seen a lake with water that beautiful since I left home. But it is obviously not a natural lake. Is it still good to drink?) he asked.

"Nah," Marco said. "There's lot of chemicals in it. Chlorine is a big one. It kills germs."

(Chlorine is dangerous to humans, as well,) Ax said.

"Not in liquid form. Chlorine gas is dangerous. It just keeps the water sterile."

(Oh. What do you do with it if you do not drink it?) Ax wondered.

"It's for swimming," I told him. "Just recreation."

Ax looked surprised. (The sole purpose of this structure and all of this water is just to swim in?)

"No. It's to watch hot girls in abbreviated clothing splash each other and wrestle," Marco told him. Apparently the comment went over Ax's head and he ignored it. Ax galloped to the edge of the pool and kicked his hind legs, landing with an enormous splash. He treaded water expertly until he was in the shallow end, where he could stand. "That does it. Now I can honestly say everyone has swam in my pool. Angelina Jolie, Jay Leno, Will Smith, and a scorpion boy from another planet."

I swigged my drink again. "When are the others getting here?" I asked Marco.

He gave me a sly look. "Don't you mean when is Cassie getting here?"

I played dumb. "I want to see Rachel and Tobias, too."

"Uh-huh. Anyway. Well, I told them that the majority of the guests would be getting here at around seven, so anytime from here to then they'll show up."

"Other guests?" I asked. I was under the impression that this was going to be a private gathering. "Who'd you invite?"

"Amni'bel and Lok, of course. Hali is on her way, but she won't make it in time for this particular party. Toby is hanging out with her Hork-Bajir crew, but she'll be coming sometime tonight too. I might have put the word out to a few other close friends," he said evasively.

"Who, Marco? You told me not to invite the parents because it was a private party. Who else?" I pressed.

"Just a few token movie stars, politicians, and pro atheletes," he sighed. "I've been out of the game for a while – I have to let everyone know that I'm still a viable option for endorsements and stuff. Don't worry, there won't be any media here."

I sighed. Totally a Marco thing to do. "Whatever. I don't have to put on my 'meet the crowd' act, do I?"

He looked at me, his face twitching in a amusement. He waited until Wetherbee, who'd shown up to deliever Marco another refreshment, had left earshot before answering. "Jake, you don't have a 'meet the crowd' act. You're the same old stiff no matter who's around. In any case, that won't be necessary. The people coming hate that stuff as much as you do. Say what's up to whoever you want to meet, make small talk if you want, but nobody's gonna care if you and Cassie just want to snuggle and make cute little noises all night."

Ax left the water and began to morph back to human. (I am ready to eat more food, Marco.)

Marco laughed. "Go for it. I'm gonna take a little nap while I soak up some rays. Just yell for Wetherbee whenever you need anything. He'll either bring it to you or show you where it is."

A nap sounded excellent to me. The sun was already relaxing me into the peaceful laziness it always did. "Cool place, Marco. Wake me up when people get here."

He didn't move – he was already half asleep. "No way. You wake me up."

"No. You wake me up," I said, drifting off.

Ax collapsed into the chair beside mine. "I will wake you two. Yoo too. Yooooo tooooo."

"Good enough," Marco and I said at the same time.

I was almost asleep when I was startled awake by Ax. "Wetherbee! Bee! Bee bee bee! I would like something to eat and drink." I settled back in and faintly heard the butler ask Ax what he wanted specifically. "Everything, please," Ax said. I chuckled until I was fast asleep under the sun.