Author's note: I'm just slipping this in as a prolouge; by itself, it's not very angsty. I just thought that with the timeline I've got set up, Hakkai's decision to remove his inhibitors needed some explanation. I don't own Saiyuki, but like the anime, I'm not going to show you Hakkai's youkai form, either. And in case it wasn't evident, spoiler warning for DVD 11 and 12.

I'm not bothering to use chi anymore. They keep getting up whether I blast them or break their bones, and breaking bones doesn't drain me. The constant slaughter . . . the feel of skin and muscle and bones giving way beneath my hands . . . I'm trying to keep calm and remain focused, but I can feel my control slipping as the fight continues. A part of my brain is already reverting to the primal, panicky state I was in, three years ago when I first became what I am now.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Sanzo press his hands together and close his eyes, but the expected flare of chi does not come – the Maten Scripture is not draped across his shoulders to answer his chanting. His violet eyes snap open, hard as amethysts, and his chi flares in pure, frustrated rage. I almost smile as I mechanically snap the arm and neck of a divine youkai that tried to get him from behind. If only Sanzo were a youkai, the strength of his glare would surely vaporize the divine youkai nearest him.

Something snaps and resonates within me, and a horrible certainty turns my body to lead. My thoughts circle around themselves in a sort of death spiral, repeating and coming ever closer to a truth that my entire being shrinks away from.

If only he were a youkai, his aura would vaporize—

If only he were a youkai, his aura—

If only he were a youkai—

If only he were—

If only—

If—

Sanzo, I would gladly suffer any hurt, if it means that you would be spared it.

I stop dead, fragments of thoughts and memories whirling around in my mind. This, then, is my validation. My atonement.

"Sanzo?" I force my voice into its usual light tones, though I can feel my humanity dying a second time, leaving me an empty shell. Sanzo glances at me curiously. "I have a plan. Please leave me here and go retrieve the Scripture."

Sanzo shoots another divine youkai and turns to glare at me. "You're going to...?" His eyes narrow at my nod. "You're remembering your promise?"

"Yes." My voice is completely serious.

"I'm still holding you to it." The same hard, angry tone he'd used the first time he threatened to kill me.

This time, however, I know that Sanzo's tone hides a deep, gnawing concern. A genuine smile spreads across my face, acknowledging the emotion he refuses to show. And if I were admitting it, which I'm not, my smile is somewhat of an apology. That thought barely crosses my mind when his hand shoots out and gathers a fistful of my shirt, and I'm suddenly eye-to-eye with a very angry Genjo Sanzo.

"I knew what you were when I made you promise," he hisses at me, low enough that no one else will overhear. "And that didn't change anything. The name I gave you still fits." There is honest anger in his eyes. "If you let yourself get killed, I swear I'll fucking shoot myself and name that scumbag Homura as my goddamned successor!"

"Sanzo…" I murmur, shaken. This must be when it feels like any time I emotionally blackmail Sanzo into living. By the time I've gathered my thoughts again, the other three are halfway to the door.