A/N: Wow. I got a whole lot of reviews of the last chapter, and hopefully this one is just as good! As a question, are there any LotR names that rhyme with Happy? Just checking. Anyway, some of the requests I got were really good, and I promise to include all those! If you have any more, just tell me.
A Very Meriadoc Christmas!
Episode 2: Denethor's Christmas
"Hey, everyone! We're here with Denethor's Home Movies!" Merry says.
"Hooray!" Pippin says, holding a large glass of what looks like eggnog.
"Where did you get that eggnog from?"
"Oh, Aragorn gave it to me."
"And where did he get it?"
"Well, he also gave me this large 3 gallon cooler of eggnog..."
"Gimme!"
The 2 hobbits eagerly tear into the cooler.
"Oh, yeah, today's episode is entitled, 'Denethor Roasting on an Open Fire'. I don't know why."
Denethor's Home Movie!
"Is...is the flash on?" Denethor asks, staring into the camera.
"For heaven's sake, Denethor, it's on!" Finduilas sighs.
"I can see you...it's on, right?"
"What do you think it means?"
"Well, sor-ry!"
"Ok, Boromir, smile for the camera!"
"I don't want to, Mommy! Daddy's scawing me! " Boromir moans. Aww, cute baby Boromir, only 4 years old and pronouncing his r's like w's.
"Now, now, can't you do it for Mommy?" Finduilas asks.
"Ok, fine." Boromir says, putting on the ever-so-cute pouty face. With those puppy dog eyes...
"Good job, son!" Denethor says.
"AHHHHHHHHH!" Boromir screams.
"What? Did I say something wrong?"
"Well, maybe your face scared my poor child! I can't believe I left that hottie for you, scaring the kids!" Finduilas yells.
"Please, it's the season of Christmas. Can't we put aside our petty differences and work things out?"
"Oh, where did you get that from?" Finduilas asks.
"My own heart!"
"Yeah, right."
"Ok, Boromir, smile! You too, honey!"
"Don't you 'honey' me, Denethor!" Finduilas says menacingly. "Or I'll whoop your sorry ass."
"Not with the kid around!"
"Ok, I'll whoop your sorry behind."
"Oh, just smile for the Eru-forsaken Christmas card!"
"All right!"
Boromir and Finduilas smile (reluctantly) as Denethor snaps a picture.
"Steward! Get over here!" He yells.
"Uh, you are the Steward."
"Damn!" Denethor swears, throwing the camera down and nearly breaking it in frustration.
"MOMMY! DADDY'S SCAWING ME! HE'S CWEEPY!" Boromir screams.
"For Eru's sake! The child needs speech therapy!"
"AND YOU NEED PARENTING CLASSES!" Finduilas screams.
"WHY ARE WE ALL YELLING?"
"Hmm...good question! Probably because you scared Boromir."
"I did not!"
"And why on earth would you give him a name with r's in it? You know he has a speech impediment!"
"Well send him to the THERAPIST!"
"YOU'RE TOO CHEAP TO GET THE BEST THERAPIST!"
"I AM NOT!"
"ARE TOO!"
"AM NOT!"
"ARE TOO!"
"ARE NOT!"
"You know, if you put what you just said, 'are not', into a sentance, it would be 'I are not!' You have pathetic grammer." Finduilas says, shaking her head and giving Denethor the, 'I wish I never married you, you pathetic asshole' look that some people are famous for giving.
"Whatever. I hope you know that this is being filmed by those hidden security cameras. And that I have good photographic proof of you hating me."
"Oh, like you'll ever blackmail me. I'm the only person who'd marry you!" Finduilas says.
"She has a point there." Says Servant Bob.
"Well, let's go. We have to have our ceremonial Christmas dinner." Denethor sighs.
"No way am I touching eggnog or rum or any alcohol. I have a few glasses last time, and look what happens? I wake up next to this guy in his shirt." Finduilas says, giving Denethor the Look of Death and pointing a finger at Denethor, poking his chest with every word. "And nine months later..."
"For Pete's Sake, Finduilas, this is PG-13!" Denethor says, blushing. "And that hurt." he adds rubbing the sore spot.
"I was just relating the truth! See what alcohol can make you do?" Finduilas says. "And don't be such a pansy pants."
"Good point." Denethor says. "Boromir, don't do drugs or alcohol. Listen to Denethor, who knows all!" Denethor adds, acting like he's Mr. Psychic or something.
"Mommy, Denethow is scawing me. He's cweeping me out!" Boromir wails.
They walk off...
Denethor's Home Movies Part 2!
We see a lovely scene: a woodsy cabin with snow drifts and snow gently falling outside. Inside, Denethor and family are sitting around, sipping mulled cider and listening to Christmas Carols sung in Elvish.
"Aren't the Holidays wonderful?" Denethor sighs, looking at the happy family, consisting of Finduilas, Boromir, age 15 and Faramir, age 14. Now let's all pretend Finduilas didn't die yet. Maybe she's been resurrected for Christmas. And I know they are 5 years apart but WHO CARES?
"Yep!"
"Now, look, kids, I've got some wonderful presents for you!" Denethor says, revealing a huge bag of gifts.
"OOOOOOH!" Boromir screams.
"Say thank you, honey." Finduilas says.
"Oooh, a My Little Pony!" Boromir screams. Obviously someone overcame that speech impediment.
"That's not for you, that's for...your mother's mother's mother's cousin's cousin's cousin's daughter's daughter's daughter. How it got there is beyond me." Denethor says.
"I never get a My Little Pony!" Boromir pouts. (There is a little tie-in a different story. Anyone remember?)
"Oooh, a sword!" Faramir says, nearly tipping over with the weight.
"That's not for you, put it down." Denethor says.
"It's ok, honey!" Finduilas says, comforting Faramir.
"Thanks mom."
"At least Faramir doesn't have a speech impediment!"
"I got over it!" Boromir says.
"You know, Denethor, they always say the first kid is a practice kid. Any mistakes you make with the first one you can change with the second one."
"Oh, so now I'm the messed up kid?" Boromir says, sounding very mature for a 9 year old.
"I never said that..."
"You were implying it!"
"I was not."
"Mommy, what do I get for Christmas?" Faramir asks, using the famed Innocent Little Angel face and the Puppy Dog eyes.
"Whatever you want, shnookums." Finduilas says.
"Yeah, as if. Here, Faramir, have this lovely bag of coal." Denethor scoffs, handing Faramir a bag that says 'Contents under Pressure'.
"Oooh, Chemistry 101!" Boromir exclaims, looking at his gift.
"I didn't know coal contents under pressure."
"It's a safety label, Finduilas. It was an old bag I had lying around." Denethor explains. "Boromir, you need to learn all about Chemistry."
"You mean girl and boy chemistry? Is Pamela Anderson gonna be my teacher?" Boromir asks, getting that tell-all gleam in his eye.
"No."
"Damn!"
"Where'd you pick up language like that, Boromir?"
"Er, dad?"
"What?"
"Anyway, next thing you know, Boromir and his Chemistry set will be making bombs and he'll be trying to blow up Faramir!" Finduilas says.
"Huh? No way!" Boromir says, snapping out of his sick dream about Pamela Anderson, himself, and chemistry and thinking about making little bombs to use on Faramir.
"Stop thinking about you and Pamela Anderson! What, are you thinking about excited electrons?" Finduilas says, snapping her fingers in front of Boromir's face.
"More like excited Boromir...I mean..." Boromir says, still in the weird twistedness of his dream.
"Eeew! Boromir, stop being perverted!"
"Pamela Anderson..."
"Ok, this Christmas just got weird." Denethor says.
"No, really?" Finduilas says.
"Anyway, here, Boromir, I got you this." Faramir says.
"OMG! A lifesized cardboard cut out of Lady Arwen Undomiel AND Pamela Anderson!" Boromir screams.
"Told you he'd like it."
"Hello, Miss Anderson. How are you?" Boromir says, trying to look all hot. For something not even real.
"Next thing you know he'll be sleeping with it." Faramir says.
"Want to head back to my place?" Boromir asks Pamela.
"What about Arwen?"
Boromir reveals a shirt he has that says, "Big Pimpin'"
"Oooh, you player!" Faramir says.
"Haha." Boromir says, grabbing the 2 cardboard cutouts and having them sit on his lap. Which is a bit hard.
"Anyway, let me get this fire going again..." Denethor says.
Suddenly...
"AHHHH! IT'S BURNING ME!" Denethor screams, running around with the fire at the bottom of his robes.
"STOP DROP AND ROLL, DEAR!" Finduilas says, then resorts to laughing.
"Don't even come NEAR me and Arwen and Pamela!" Boromir says.
"AHHH!" Faramir says, ducking behind the couch. "It's just your dad, it's not you, it's just your dad, it's not you!" He mutters, rocking back and forth. "Fire...is...not...my...friend!"
Eventually, Denethor gets the fire out and then walks around. Boromir goes to his room with Arwen and Pamela and Faramir goes on a jaunt through the woods. Finduilas goes back to the Dead People's Home, where she turns into a ghost once more after materializing into flesh.
Thus ends Denethor's Christmas.
A/N: Sorry about the delay on this one. I promise to get more out before Christmas. Next we'll have Christmas at Barad-Dur. Any other suggestions, please send them my way!