A/N: I don't care that Christmas is 3 months past; it's still a good time for this story! We can celebrate Christmas all year long! Anyway, now we shall have Legolas's Christmas, followed by Gimli's Hanukah (by request) and Boromir's Christmas. Anyway, enjoy!

A Very Meriadoc Christmas

Episode Five: Have yourself a Mirkwoodian Christmas

"Hello, viewers! Welcome to our after-Christmas specials! We all want to know how we've managed to stay on the air, but you know what? Maybe now isn't a good time! So here we are!" Merry says.

"Yeah! My question exactly." Pippin mutters.

"And, anyway, you can celebrate Christmas anytime, simply because…you…can." Merry adds.

"That and because we forked over a freaking lot of money to air this show." Pippin adds.

"That, too. Anyway, we now present to you: Legolas's Christmas!"

Legolas's Home Christmas Video, part 1!

"Look! Mommy, look! There's SNOW! On the GROUND! It's WHITE!" Legolas screams, pointing out the window.

"Uh, yeah, snow generally tends to be white." Legolas's mom says. (If anyone knows her name, please, tell me.)

"And it's cold, too!"

"Yes, Legolas, snow is usually cold."

"Is that child going on and on about obvious qualities of snow?" Thranduil asks, storming in.

"Uh…yeah." Legolas's mom says.

"Damn it, Legolas! We all know snow is white and cold."

"Well, pah ha ha!" Legolas says, sticking his tongue out.

"Legolas, you're 13! Act like it!" Legolas's mom says, whacking him in the head.

"Owww!"

"Why my kid? Why me?" Thranduil asks.

"Anyway, it's CHRISTMAS, Dad! Didja know that?" Legolas asks.

"Yeah. A lot of people knew that." Thranduil says.

"Look what Santa left you!" Legolas's mom says.

"OOOOOH! A shiny COMB! And a mirror, too! Ooooh!" Legolas says.

"This child is seriously disturbed."

"Hey, everyone!"

"Uncle Haldir!"

"Yeah, it's me! I heard the sounds of an Elvish Princeling getting beat up, so I stopped by! Are those PRESENTS?" Haldir asks.

"Yeah, Uncle Haldir! They're PRESENTS and they're WRAPPED in PRETTY COLORED PAPER!" Legolas says.

"Uh, yeah, most presents generally are that."

"Here, Haldir, this is yours." Thranduil says.

"Ooooh, a shiny sword!"

"Haldir, Uncle Haldir, I got a MIRROR and a COMB!" Legolas screams.

"A mirror and a comb?" Haldir asks, lip twitching. "Bwahaha, that's pretty funny!"

A tear comes out of Haldir's eyes as he laughs with mirth.

"Anyway, Haldir, what did you get?" Thranduil asks.

"Uh…a lot of clothes from Abercrombie and Fitch." Haldir says.

"I love Abercrombie!" Legolas squeals.

"Uh…"

Legolas's Christmas Part 2!

"Have a holly jolly Christmas, it's the best time of the year…" Legolas sings, walking around and putting up holly and ivy and stuff like that. He is now about 1,500 years old...or something equivilent to the age of a 20 year old in Elf terms.

DING DONG! the doorbell says merrily. Legolas runs over to the door and opens it!

"Why, Elrond, how simply charming to see you!" Legolas says.

"Yeah, yeah, look. I have urgent business. Look. Arwen, she's in love with this Aragorn creature—literally, a creature, he hasn't bathed in weeks! Months! YEARS! EONS! Anyway, my fine Elf friend, this Aragorn—creature—is a HUMAN! A HUMAN, I SAY! And Arwen, what is she? And ELF! And my foolish, hormone-struck, lovesick, lusting-after-Aragorn little daughter said she'd…she'd…give it up for him!" Elrond says.

"Wait, what? Lusting-after-Aragorn? And, wait…she'd give what up? Damn, Elrond, you'd better check the beds at your place, I have a feeling you're going to be a grandpa soon!" Legolas says.

"NOT THAT, YOU INCOMPETENT FOOL!" Elrond screams. "Her Immortality! Man, are you thick!"

"Well, you don't have to run around making it sound like her and Aragorn are going to start the child making process!" Legolas says.

"LEGOLAS! Try to be discreet, ok? We're Elves, not those crude men! We must conduct ourselves properly!" Elrond screams.

"Ok, ok, Elrond, I'm sorry. You just had me…so…scared."

"Ok. And, with my foolish daughter running around after this guy, I've been thinking: we'd best set her up with an Elf so she doesn't…I dunno, die."

"Ah, a wise idea."

"And, my fine Legolas, I was thinking: you have the same build as Aragorn—"

"What, you mean a firm ass? I know, I had to work years for this ass." Legolas says.

"GAHHH! LEGOLAS! Please, can't you just forego your stupidity for one second! Look. You have the same facial features, height, and, even though it pains me to say it, ass, as Aragorn. So, what I'm saying is—"

"You want me to kill Aragorn?"

"NO! No, you incompetent FOOL! I want you to pretend to be Aragorn!" Elrond screams, nearly popping a vein.

"OH! I think I can do that…especially with this ass." Legolas says.

"Dear sweet lord." Elrond mutters.

Legolas walks around in front of a couple mirrors, trying to see if his ass really does look like Aragorn's.

"Now, Legolas, are you listening? Good. Now, what you'll have to do is dye your hair brown, cut it a bit, not bathe for a couple weeks—or to shorten that, you can just rub some Vaseline in it—and forego the clothes of your Mirkwood kin for the appropriate Ranger wear." Elrond says.

Crash.

"Legolas? Legolas, are you ok?" Elrond asks.

Legolas has just knocked over his mirror in horror.

"Not…not bathe? Cut…cut…cut my hair? You can't be serious!" Legolas screams.

"Legolas, look. There's a nice little perk to this, if you will, sacrifice." Elrond says.

"What?" Legolas whispers venomously.

"You can…ah…make out with Arwen." Elrond says.

"SCORE! Sure, I'll do it!"

"Good, good." Elrond says evilly, walking out.

"My. That was pretty weird." Merry says.

"Are you kidding me? That was crazy!" Pippin says.

"Oh, well."

A/N: I suppose that chapter was a bit…weird… Anyway, if you review, I'll hand out my Fellowship and Friends Valentines, so you can get your choice of the Fellowship or whomever else there is in the movies. Just claim with your review!