I had a million questions that I wanted to ask her. I had a million questions that I was terrified to ask her. I couldn't believe how seeing this beautiful young woman made me regret what I thought was the best decision I ever made. Nadine was becoming the woman that I wished I could have been. She was happy and free despite the wondering and the secrets regarding her birth. I found myself jealous of her because at age eighteen, I was depressed and alone. I spent so many years depressed and alone.
I watched her tell Nick about how she was going to be going to college at U-Conn in a month and a half. Nadine was going to be studying science. She wanted to be a doctor or a vet. I prayed that she would enter a profession where she saw only the best of people. I didn't want her to become hardened the way that I was hardened.
I wasn't surprised that Nick was enjoying Nadine's presence. Several times he had expressed the desire to have a family. I never told him why I was terrified to have a child. I never told him that I had a child ripped out of my arms when I was only a child. I never told him that no one ever knew that I was pregnant. I was horribly underweight. I wore baggy clothes so the blue-bloods at Harvard didn't treat me any worse than they already did.
Last night, Nadine had asked me if I ever had any more children and if I had ever married. I told her that I never met a man that treated me decently until I met Nick. She looked embarrassed for asking those questions. The truth was that I was terrified to have another child. I was terrified that it would be at the wrong time with the wrong man. I was terrified that for some reason anther child would be ripped from my arms. Nick only began to understand my fears this morning.
Grissom called me in the middle of the day to see if I would be coming back to work in the evening. I told him that I needed the time off to spend with Nadine. Grissom said that he suspected that. He had already talked to Catherine about making sure that Nick could also have the night off. Grissom asked me how I was feeling. I told him that I was doing okay. I lied to him like I lied to Grissom so many times before. I didn't want Nadine to go. I didn't want to have to lose her again, but that was the reality of the situation. There was no way that reality was going to change just because I wanted it to.
I called Nadine's adoptive parents again. I told them that Nadine was safe. I apologized again for the whole mess. Beth said that Nadine had a mind of her own. Her father said Nadine had been searching for me since her sixteenth birthday. They said they didn't blame me for their daughter's actions. I promised that I would make sure she got home safe. They thanked me. I would find out ten days later that they called the lab to see if it was safe for Nadine to be in Las Vegas with me. Beth and Roger obviously remembered me as a scared young woman. They probably remembered me as the girl that cried as she told the judge that she wanted to terminate her rights as a parent. They knew only pieces of the story.
Nick took Nadine out for ice cream while I slept on the couch. He had warned me not to get too attached, but I watched him grow attached to my daughter. He treated her with the respect that he showed me. Nick opened doors for her. Nadine said that she really liked Nick.
Nadine was a perceptive girl. She asked me if I loved Nick. I told her that I tried very hard to love him as much as he loved me. Nadine asked me if I was happy. I told her that a lot of the time I wasn't happy. She asked me why. I told her that without Nick, I didn't have anyone else in the world. She asked about my parents. I lied and told her both were dead. I told Nadine they died when I was still a teenager. I could see the tears in her eyes. Nadine told me that she had two grandparents that were as old as the dinosaurs. She began to see that I was broken woman. I was clinging on to Nick because he was the only lifesaver I had ever known.
Nadine asked me about my job. She asked me if I like literature classes. I told her that I hated them. She laughed and said that she hated them too. I knew her. Without having her as my own, I knew her. The biology that made her a Sidle was so much stronger than the environment that made her a Keating. Nadine was lucky that she got only the good genes.
When night fell and Nadine realized that in twelve hours she would be on a plane home, she grew quiet. She said several times that she would like to visit. My only request was that next time she lets her parents know where she is going to be. Nadine promised that there would be a next time.
As Nick snored softly through the movie we rented, I gave Nadine the only piece of advice that I had really learned in my years on earth. I told Nadine to always love herself. I told Nadine to always respect her body. I told her not to be like me. I made her promise to always love herself before she loved others. She nodded as if she really understood what I was saying, but I knew it was impossible. These lessons were learned only by destructive behavior and self-loathing. I didn't ever want her to learn these lessons first hand.
I watched Nadine sleep. I wondered what would have happened if I kept Nadine so many years ago. I probably would have never completed my degree at Harvard. I probably would have never met Gil Grissom in graduate school. I would have never gone to Las Vegas to investigate the Gribbs case. I would have never met Nick. I wondered if I could have been a good mother to her. I doubted that. I wasn't ready. I was still reeling from the loss of my father and the incarceration of my mother.
I remembered the moment that the doctor handed Nadine to me. I remembered how tiny she was. I remembered how soft her brown hair was. I remembered how tiny her fingernails were. She was so perfect. I didn't want to let her go, but the lady from child services kept telling me to say good-bye to the little girl. I tried to not let go of Nadine, but they insisted.
I let the tears roll down my face as I watched the credits roll across the television screen. Nadine was such a beautiful girl. She was so smart. It was comforting to know that she grew into a wonderful young woman, but it would make it so much harder to watch her board a plane tomorrow morning.
The morning came much too soon. The drive to the airport was much too short. We all sat silently in Nick's Denali. I didn't know what to say. I never did know how to say good-bye. We stood outside the security check point. Nadine thanked me for taking her in for the last two days. I thanked Nadine for finding me. I told her that I was proud of the woman that she was becoming. Nadine hugged me and told me she would come to visit. I cried when I told her that she was always welcome here. Her brown hair clung to her tear stained cheeks. Nadine hugged Nick, and he told her to have a safe flight. She turned around and waved at me as she walked through the security checkpoint.
I collapsed into Nick's arms. I had no idea how I got home. I just remember Nick calling Grissom to say that I wasn't in any condition to be at work. I remember crying in his arms for hours. I cried for a little girl that I never got to watch grow up. I cried for myself . . . a young woman that never got to be a little girl.