A/N Thank you for your kind reviews. I'd like to just say that I actually don't dislike the Starsky versus Hutch ep as much as many fans do and the reason is I find it offers a lot of ideas for stories. Obviously the ep had its flaws, and certainly the resolution between them was glossed over way too quickly and we never really knew why Hutch did do what he did. I never found it to be a completely impossible scenario though, and I've enjoyed delving into possible reasons behind it. I've written quite a few "post Kira" stories and I hope you enjoy them.
CHAP 2
Starsky
I was well aware of Hutch's concern about me. It was a bit hard to miss, especially as I knew him so well. I caught him looking at me at times, and it was like my old Hutch was back. Except for one thing. My old Hutch wouldn't have kept his distance, he would have barged in and demanded to know what was wrong. This Hutch was keeping his eye on me, but from a distance, almost warily. The growing distance was my fault, I knew that, but I couldn't seem to help it. I was scared, and growing more scared each day, and the one constant that I'd always been able to count on didn't seem to be there. As my fear grew, so did my determination to distance myself from my partner. I didn't know how to reach out to him, and didn't even know if I had the right any more. That was why I was so reluctant to reach out – the doubts that I now had concerning our relationship. How much I meant to my best friend. I knew that he was still feeling very guilty about the Kira incident and he thought I was still angry. I wasn't. I'd made my decision that day, a decision I stood by. It hadn't been that hard to decide to forgive him. Not even a decision really, it was automatic for me. Nothing and no-one was more important to me than my partner. What I had thought of as love, was infatuation for a fascinating woman. Kira was fascinating, there was no question about it. Sure she was a selfish bitch, but there was a certain air about her. She'd proven herself totally unworthy of trust and love and it was a mistake that I was more than happy to put behind me, without regret. I wanted and needed Hutch in my life and I wasn't going to lose him. However, the affair had shaken me and I was forced to admit this to myself, even after the event, as my health started to decline.
Things may have plodded along as normal, if I hadn't started to get sick. That's what I told myself anyway. I don't know. Something would have made me face this. My relationship with Hutch was just too important to me, and was such a big part of my life. However, my illness made me face the doubts sooner rather than later. For, with my fear, came the questions and I started questioning our relationship and wondering whether my partner and friend cared as much about me as I did about him. I'd always thought so and certainly the evidence pointed that way. The evidence of many years of turbulent times and always being there for each other during the trials. I'd never doubted, never had cause to doubt, how Hutch felt about me – until Kira. He'd kept me going through some pretty tough times. The time I was poisoned by Bellamy. I doubt I would have made it then without him. It hurt so much, and I reached the point where I wanted to give up, but with Hutch holding on to
me, it was impossible for me to let go. He was my strength and my anchor and not once did I question whether he wanted me to hold on. We didn't talk a lot during those frantic hours, but the communication was there – how he held me, and his desperation when I finally collapsed on Bellamy's rooftop. We'd never spoken of it, even after it was over, but I had felt his despair when he thought he was losing me, and it had given me the added determination to survive. It wasn't a choice at all for me to shoot Bellamy, even though I seemed to be killing the only chance I had for survival. I couldn't have survived if Hutch had died, so no choice was necessary.
The time he'd taken care of me in the Italian restaurant when I was shot. Didn't think we'd get out of that one but we did - together. People who think Hutch is tough and cold, should have seen him then, taking such good care of me, refusing to be kept from my side when I needed him, despite the armed assassins. Once again, his determination to hold on, helped me find the strength to keep going.
Then Terri. I know for a fact that I wouldn't have survived the loss of Terri, if it hadn't been for Hutch. He was there every second of the day and night for me, to cry with me and to just hold me when I was just too scared and angry to speak. I never doubted how much he loved me and then Kira came into our lives.
What had happened? I knew that he'd been growing more disillusioned each day. I knew my partner and I could see that the disillusion was growing into depression but I guess I expected him to talk to me. I certainly gave him the opportunity, but the thing with Hutch is that he broods over things. I know that and accept that part of him, as much as I know and accept other aspects of his personality. I wish he'd talked to me but he didn't and then one day I found him at the house of a woman I thought I loved, tucking his
shirt in. I thought my world had come to an end. Everything I'd believed in seemed
broken beyond repair. I don't know how, but somehow we got past it. I hit him and he didn't hit back. Even in the midst of my anger and despair, I could see it had been a terrible mistake. Hutch made no effort to defend himself and one part of me registered that he was as devastated as I was. This made sense to me, even amidst my confusion and pain, but it was the only thing that did make sense. A mistake – that is all it was. I can forgive mistakes, for I know I make many and drive him mad at times.
What I was struggling to understand now, was what did it mean to us, for us? I had forgiven him, but I found myself unable to forget and as my health started to deteriorate, I started to question how much I meant to him. Hutch was my best friend, a friend I valued over everyone else, including my family. I suddenly realised that I no longer knew where I stood with him and questioned whether I was entitled to count on him any more. I still trusted Hutch with my life on the street, as things were back to normal there, but in our private moments I was filled with doubts. I sensed his reserve around me and found myself reacting to it. I was so scared with what was going on with me and needed to talk to him. I needed my friend who'd helped me during the difficult periods in my life, not the friend who'd slept with a woman I loved. I needed him to reach out to me, to show that I was mistaken about what I was feeling. But I was too scared to ask him outright. Scared of Hutch – that was a joke, but a pretty sad one. We'd always been very open with our feelings for each other, not caring what others thought. If a hug was needed, then it was provided and this air of restraint was suffocating. On the night I knew I could be seriously ill, instead of calling him as I once would have done without question, I found myself curled up on my bed, fighting back the pain and fear, and waiting for the morning-alone.
It started off simply enough, nausea and vomiting. I guess I put it down to a bad burrito but then the pains started. I was in agony and when they first started, and actually thought I was having a heart attack. However, I refused to accept that possibility and tried to put the thought out of my mind. I was 32, and a heart attack wasn't on. I know people could have heart attacks at any age, but I refused to believe it could happen to me. My appetite decreased and I found it increasingly difficult to eat and keep food down. I caught Hutch watching me worriedly as I threw away a half eaten burrito. I made light of it but I could see that Hutch was still
concerned, even after I brushed him off. The pains would start up any time and after a week, I had to accept I could have serious problems. I'd been taking aspirin for the pain and that provided me some relief but after a night of vomiting blood, I knew I had to get it checked. Lying in bed, sweating and grimacing with the pain, I remembered Uncle Jake.He'd died of stomach cancer. Those thoughts were turning through my head as I waited for the morning, feeling very scared and alone.