CHAP 4 FINAL

Hutch

I broke all records driving to the hospital. I had no idea what was going on but the mere words from Dobey, "He's going to the hospital for tests. I promised I wouldn't tell you but…." Dobey had hesitated here but I guess my face reflected the horror and fear I was feeling. "I think he's going to need you, Hutch." I was out of that door before Dobey finished his statement.

I was reeling with shock. Hospital? Tests? What the hell was going on? I'd known Starsky was unwell, why hadn't I insisted that Starsky tell me? I was going to read him the riot act when I saw him. Why hadn't I added up the clues correctly? Starsky sick, Starsky disappearing for a few days! I should have known, but I hadn't. Despite the distance between us recently, the thought that Starsky would check himself into hospital, without even telling me, was a totally alien thought. It just wasn't right. How dare he keep something this big from me? There was no doubt in my mind that it was big. It had to be to get Starsky to go to the hospital willingly. My mind raced back over the symptoms that I'd noticed - the tired, drawn look, dark circles under his eyes, wincing with pain, lack of appetite. Oh, Starsky, I'm gonna kill you! The thoughts I had weren't pleasant and I knew that this had to be serious. Why hadn't he told me? I kept asking myself this question over and over again. I knew why. Because I'd destroyed the trust that Starsky had in me. I was going to make it up to him, if it took the rest of my life. I couldn't bear the thought that Starsky's life could be cut short by a terrible illness. Why was I thinking this, assuming the worst? People went to hospital every day for tests and it wasn't always bad news. Could be something quite simple, but the fact was I was scared, scared like I'd never been before. I was going to scream at Starsky until he believed that we were partners forever and I would never do anything to jeopardise our friendship again. It was the most important thing in the world to me and never again would either of us doubt it. We had to believe in each other again, trust in me and thee.

I parked the car and raced into the hospital, only stopping as I needed to find out where Starsky was. Running, not wanting to waste a second, I barged into a room and came to a sudden stop at the sight of my partner lying on the bed, facing the window, looking very much alone. He turned as he heard the commotion of my entrance and his eyes widened in shock and, I couldn't help but notice, relief and joy. All of my anger dissipated in that moment and I knew what I had to do. If only I hadn't been too scared to do this before. The answer was so obvious.

"Hutch… what ya?" but Starsky knew, as I did. Instead of the screaming that I'd promised myself, I simply ran up to Starsky and pulled him into my arms, no words being spoken, or needed. We'd always been open with each other and given a hug if it was needed. Somehow we'd lost sight of that, or I had. As Starsky returned the embrace completely, I could feel the tension leave him. He was responding to my embrace and as we stayed in that position, I could feel things healing between us. We stayed like that for a long time, just taking comfort from the other.

Starsky

I was so scared as I left the precinct for the hospital. I needed Hutch like I'd never needed him before, for I was convinced by now that I had stomach cancer. The nausea, pain and vomiting had increased, and vomiting blood really scared me. I remembered Uncle Jake and a lot of his symptoms seemed to match what I had. He'd died. I didn't want to die, but I particularly didn't want to die alone. I wanted to reach out to Hutch but no longer felt that I had the right, the right that had once been mine. I realized then that I wanted to know what I'd done wrong, how I'd messed up the single most important relationship in my life. Once these tests were over, I'd talk to him and try to work out what had gone wrong, before I disappeared once and for all from his life.

I tried to think back to what the doctor had told me. He doubted it was cancer although it had to be eliminated. He was more suspicious that it was an ulcer. He asked me about the stresses in my life as stress can be a contributing factor. His questions about my diet, brought a weak grin to my face. If only Hutch was here! The doctor's calm manner did nothing to soothe me, and his instructions that I report to the hospital the next day didn't help me either. The pain I'd been experiencing was extreme and I certainly wanted it to be fixed, but I didn't know if I could face up to cancer. As he described the tests, I lost the plot of what he was saying. They all sounded most unpleasant but my attention wasn't what it should have been. Once again I was aware that I needed Hutch with me, to ask questions, to understand what was going on, but I was on my own. I knew I had to face this on my own, for I couldn't call on Ma. The thought of telling her made me feel sick again. Nicky would never be an option. We'd been estranged for most our adult lives, although every now and again we did meet up. I was worried about Ma, knowing if I didn't make it, she would be well and truly on her own. Once, I would have asked Hutch to look out for her but was aware I'd probably have to come up with another solution, although that could be a problem for later.

The meeting with Dobey had been difficult, with Dobey looking just stunned. I knew then that the Captain cared a great deal about me and in a way that hurt me too. I didn't want to cause pain to anyone, especially if this turned out for the worst. The thought of Ma was bad enough, but I knew I had friends who'd be hurt by this. Dobey had been astounded when I said Hutch didn't know and I couldn't blame him for this. If you'd told me six months ago that I'd be facing something like this, without my partner, I would not have believed it possible. Hutch. What was he going to think when he heard the news? No, don't go there, Starsky, not yet. It hurt to think I'd cause Hutch pain, but it hurt even more to think that Hutch wouldn't care.

I checked myself into the hospital. They went over the tests with me again but I still wasn't that focussed on what was being said. As I lay down on the bed to wait for them to commence, I don't think I've ever felt so alone in my life. I couldn't lose my thoughts of Hutch and as I lay there, the fear started to increase. I lay back and tried to think more pleasant thoughts, the good times I'd had with Hutch. The thoughts were interrupted by a commotion.I turned around and looked into a very familiar face. He looked like he was about to explode and looked like he'd run the four minute mile but before I could put more than a few words together, I was grabbed into his arms in a warm, comforting embrace.

Oh God. It felt so good and I suddenly felt everything was right again. Hutch's hesitation around me had made me remain nervous but this whole-hearted embrace put things back in place. We stayed like that for a long time, not talking, just enjoying the feeling of being reconnected.

Hutch

Finally I had to pull away from him. I needed to know what was going on before I

allowed myself to feel too relieved. The eyes looking at me were no longer lost, or frightened and as I knew it was my presence that had caused that, I felt great pride. However, I couldn't feel relieved, not until I found out what was happening. The facts remained that my partner was in hospital for tests of some sort.

I sat down on the bed, and kept my hands on Starsky's arms, rubbing his arms gently trying to soothe him.

"It's okay, blintz, really. I'll be fine. I know that now."

"But what is it, Starsk? What do they think?"

"They don't know. Gotta have some tests. Been pretty sick and vomiting, and Hutch,

I've been vomiting blood." I went cold with dread. "Doctor thinks it could be an ulcer.I was scared it might be cancer .. remember I told you about Uncle Jake. But I'm not so scared now…" he even managed a weak grin at me.

"I would've been here before. Why didn't you tell me?" and why didn't I force you

to tell me, I thought to myself.

"Don't ya blame yourself for this one, blondie. I was confused and I guess I didn't understand why….um, you know…"

Yes I did know, unfortunately. What had I done? I made myself speak.

"Kira?"

"Yeah."

"Starsk, I don't know why it happened. I really don't, but I can promise you that it won't ever happen again. You're the most important thing in the world to me and I never want to hurt you like that again. Never will." and I pulled him back into my arms again, relaxing as I felt Starsky relax on me. I sat up, leaning on the bedhead

so that I could sit comfortably holding him. I couldn't have cared less about what anyone thought. I was where I needed to be, and we had a lot of lost ground to recover.

"I dunno, Hutch. Kira didn't matter, not really. I guess I just couldn't figure why you'd sleep with a woman I loved. It was like I didn't matter to you any more. I didn't feel like I could turn to you, even when I got sick. I was scared…."

I pulled away slightly so I could see Starsky's face, trying to understand what he was telling me. "Scared? Of having cancer? That's understandable."

"No, scared you'd turn away and I'd be on my own. It seemed better to face this on my own from the start, rather than face you turning away from me." I simply tightened my hold, my heart breaking as I finally understood. I'd damaged Starsky's trust in me, but not in the way I thought. Starsky thought he didn't mean as much to me as he did. I'd fix this, whatever it took. He'd believe in me again, as I did him.

"Starsk, if I could turn back the clock I would, but I can't. Just know that it won't ever happen again and I'm ALWAYS here for you. I guess I was tired and disillusioned…." I allowed my voice to trail off as I gathered my thoughts. "We do need to talk, Starsk, but none of this was your fault and you need never doubt how much you mean to me." I felt the curly head resting under my chin nod.

"I know, blintz, and I'm gonna be fine now. I know it. Me and thee can beat anything."

I nodded, unable to speak and I sat holding Starsky for a long time in silence. It was a comfortable silence of old, with both of us feeling that we were truly partners again. I knew we still had to talk about things, I had such a lot to talk to Starsky about, not just about Kira, but about the last few months and how burnt out I'd been feeling. To try to explain what had happened, and why I knew it wouldn't ever happen again. This would all be sorted out - please God we will have time to do this.

Finally the medical staff came in to prepare Starsky for the first of his tests. With a final squeeze of his hand, I let him go and watched them take my best friend away. Fighting back tears, I knew I should call Dobey for there was no way I was going back to work until this was over. I needed to be with Starsky and he needed to know that I was there, for always. When I'd held him, I'd sensed him relaxing on me and could see in his eyes that the hurt was healing, but I wasn't about to risk anything. It had been too close. Dobey pretended to growl but I could hear the relief underlying his words. As gruff as our Captain was, he never failed us when we needed him.

I remained as close to Starsky as I could and we talked, as I know we should have done earlier. He was groggy, sick and tired but wanted to make up for lost time and insisted we talked, even though he sometimes fell asleep. How could I deny him anything? I knew we had a lot to cover, and that would continue even when he got home. This was a start, a good start. Starsky understood what I was saying, but this was no surprise to me. Starsky always did understand me, it was another aspect I'd lost sight of. I remained at the hospital, even when Starsky was having his tests, and I was there to hold him as the cancer tests came back negative. It was an ulcer. Treatment was required but he'd be fine. The only promise he extracted from me was that I would always talk to him, and never shut him out again. I could do that, for I'd already promised myself that I wouldn't ever blow this again. I was truly grateful for another chance.

The End.