Author's Notes: Look! It's on time for once! LOOK! Thanks Mandi for beta'ing so wonderfully like your normal awesome self.

Also, I know it seems like longer because of the time in between updates, but Finley hasn't been sick more than a week. In fact, Ben only had a week's worth of leave so it's been just under a week so far. Not that long. Really, I promise.

Chapter 9

"Ben?"

Ben looked over at his little brother. Finley was laying sideways across the bed, curled up. He was always curled up, looking as if he was shielding himself from being kicked. Ben frowned at the thought.

"Yes, Fin?"

Finley hesitated, then half rolled over to peer at his big brother. "Did Alex ever call again?"

"Yeah, he did," Ben replied. "Often."

"Oh." Finley was silent for a while. "Think I should talk to him?"

"Maybe," Ben answered without really answering. He was not going to make this decision, he wasn't.

Again silence, then, very quietly, "I don't know what to do."

"Do whatever you need to," Ben told him, his tone as gentle as he knew how to make it.

"Ben, please," Finley said, beginning to sound seriously distressed.

"Fin..." Ben sighed and found his brother's grey eyes. Finley wanted him to make it better only he couldn't. "Fin, c'mere, sit up."

Finley did, slowly, confusion on his face. Ben moved to sit in front of him, looking at him intently. Finley didn't look away but shifted, just a little, not entirely comfortable.

"Fin...Alex is here, on the porch and he has been for four days now," Ben told him, figuring he might as well go for broke.

Finley jerked back, staring at his brother. "What?!"

"He showed up the morning after we got here and hasn't really left," Ben told him, his hands finding Finley's.

"But...why?" Finley asked, honestly bewildered.

"He wants to talk to you," Ben told him. Finley just looked at him. "He does, Fin. He's really here."

"Ben, I..." Finley paused and Ben felt awful seeing him look so damn lost. "I don't know what to do. I don't know. Shit. Shit! I thought...but..."

Finley pulled one hand from Ben's and ran it through his hair, tugging gently. He looked at Ben and Ben felt his resolve quiver just enough to make him feel a bit queasy. "I don't know... Do you think I should talk to him?"

"Do you want to talk to him?" Ben questioned.

"Ben... I don't know," Finley tried, fumbling helplessly. "Shit. Fuck. God, yes, I do, but... but, no ... Fuck, why... Why do I have to love him? What if he just... I can't do this, I can't. Fuck. Ben... Please, do you... Do you think I should talk to him? I don't know..."

"I can't decide that for you, Fin," Ben told him gently.

"Ben, please..."

"No, Fin, you've got to hear me out about this," Ben said firmly. "Please, you can't keep doing this. Don't look to me for answers, don't let anyone decide for you. Figure it out yourself, figure out what you want, what you need. Fin... Godamnit, I want to keep you safe. I want to protect you. God knows I never want to see you like that again..."

Ben's voice choked up for a moment. He grasped his brother's hand tightly, his eyes suspiciously moist. "Fin, I love you. I don't want to be the one who ends up hurting you because I tried too hard to protect you. Maybe I already have. I don't know, I'm just sorry Fin. I tried and if it wasn't good enough then I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Ben... Ben, don't please," Finley sounded a bit desperate and starting running a trembling hand through his brother's short hair. He was shaking. "Please, Ben, there isn't anything to be sorry for, okay? I get it and... Ben, we both know that I wouldn't have made it without you, not at first."

Ben did not disagree. He couldn't, they both knew it was true. "That is not now though."

"No, no it's not," Finley agreed. He ducked his head and squeezed Ben's hand and smiled very slightly. "Thank you, just for trying to help me."

"Shit, Fin, I'm your big brother, that's my job," Ben told him. He moved up and wrapped an arm around his brother. Finley rested his head on Ben's shoulder. "You come first for me, you know that."

"Mmm," Finley sighed, his forehead pressing against Ben's neck.

They stayed quiet for a time. Letting the brief calm settle.

Finley broke the silence. "He's really here?"

"Since the morning after we arrived," Ben told him. He looked at Finley's shuttered face. "Is that really so hard for you to believe?"

Numbly, Finley nodded.

"Ah, shit, Fin," Ben murmured and reached to touch his brother's cheek. Until the calloused fingers brushed away the wetness there Finley hadn't realized he'd been crying.

He stopped, and laughed shakily, wiping the tears away. He wouldn't show how much he was shaking, even if Ben already knew. "Well, I feel goddamn ridiculous."

"Don't," Ben told him. "You've got no reason to."

"He's really here?" Finley asked again, in a very small voice.

In any other situation Ben might have laughed. It wasn't funny. "Yes. Outside on the porch right now."

Finley was quiet again and he gripped Ben's hand hard. "Fuck. Fuck. I want to see him. I think I need to, I... Goddamnit, Ben, I love him."

"I know, Fin," Ben said evenly.

Finley was looking for approval, for something, and Ben wasn't going to give it to him. He didn't want Finley to do this just because he thought Ben thought it was what he should. He felt a twinge of guilt, knowing Finley was probably just looking for him to be interested, truly, and Ben didn't think Finley even knew he was doing that, just that he felt awful when nothing more was said.

He sighed and Ben squeezed his hand in support. A frown creased his forehead suddenly as he thought.

"Why is Alex on the front porch?" Finley wondered suddenly.

Ben snorted, choking back laughter. "When he first arrived I told him he had to prove he was serious to me before I let him anywhere near you at all and so he decided to sit on the front porch this whole time."

Finley looked at his brother in disbelief. Then the corners of his mouth twitched and finally he started to laugh.

"Only you, brother," Finley remarked, resting his head against Ben's shoulder. Ben hugged him closer.

"Should I be offended?" Ben teased.

Finley laughed. "No, never."

Ben waited until Finley was relaxed. It took time but patience was something he had learned. "When Fin?"

The tension returned, coiled through him, but he didn't shrink away, at least. "Not tonight. Tomorrow?"

"It's up to you," Ben told him quietly.

"Tomorrow then."

"Hey."

A hand nudged his shoulder. Alexander grunted, opened his eyes and was awake, looking coherently at Ben.

Ben blinked. "How did you do that?!"

Alexander shrugged. "It's getting me out of bed that's the trouble, not waking me up, and since that problem has been eliminated..."

"Shit, I thought only army bastards like me could do that," Ben muttered. "You're stealing our thunder man."

Alexander yawned and stretched. Ben heard a popping sound and winced as Alexander shook his head to clear the remaining cobwebs. "Can't promise to be cheerful before I've had a cup of coffee."

Ben nodded and disappeared into the house. Alexander blinked, trying to figure out just what the hell was going on. When Ben brought him back a cup of coffee he just stared. Ben didn't say anything so after a moment he took a cautious sip, wondering if Ben had decided to poison him.

Ben smiled. "Ready to see Fin?"

Alexander choked, bit his tongue and spilled the coffee. Ben laughed. Alexander could hear the tension in it.

"You can shower first. He's not awake yet. Thought I should tell you before," Ben looked puzzled suddenly. "Okay, I know you haven't been showering at McDonald's or the gas station and you don't smell particularly. Except of coffee."

"Which I'm blaming on you," Alexander remarked. He shrugged. "I rented a motel room."

"Just to take a shower?" Ben asked.

"And shave again, yeah," Alexander replied.

Ben stared for a moment, then laughed and shook his head. "You're a very odd person."

Alexander raised an eyebrow at him before tilting his head and grinning. "I suppose so."

Ben smiled, straightened, and looked at Alexander seriously. "If you don't fuck this up again I'll be glad he has you."

Alexander blinked. "Thanks."

Finley was sitting up in bed when Alexander came downstairs. Alexander watched as he paled further, swallowed and clutched the blankets that covered his feet.

Alexander stood at the base of the stairs. Neither of them knew what to say.

"It occurred to me,"Alexander began even as a blush crept across his face. "It occurred to me, on the porch, that I never told you I loved you."

Finley stared at him, then looked down, away. "No, you didn't."

"Right. I should have because I do," Alexander continued, fumbling. "I love you, Fin."

Finley didn't say anything.

Alexander tried to smile and failed miserably. He sighed. "I'm sorry, Fin."

"Yeah," Finley said dully.

Alexander took a step forward but stopped there. He frowned at himself. "Fin, I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I didn't even realize what I was doing at the time and... Jesus, this sounds like I'm making excuses for myself."

"Yeah, it does," Finley agreed in the same flat tone.

Alexander stayed silent for a moment, the struggle clear on his face. "I fucked up."

"No shit." There was a diamond sharpness in his voice.

"Fin..." Alexander came forward to sit on the edge of the bed. He made no move to touch him but Finley edged away.

Alexander looked down. "Fin, I can explain why I've been an ass to you lately if you want. I fucked up and you got hurt and I'm sorry for it. There are reasons, but even with those reasons I don't want you to think I'm trying to avoid the blame for all this."

"Just tell me why," Finley told him, still refusing to look at Alexander.

"I've had a friend staying with me. I told you about Hal," Alexander told him, wincing at how inane that sounded.

Finley frowned and cut in before Alexander could find the words to continue. It stung. "So are you ashamed of me now or something?"

"No! Fin, of course I'm not. The only thing I've got to be ashamed of is how I treated you," Alexander replied.

"Fine. So why didn't you want him to know about me then?" Finley asked.

"He does know about you. It's not that I didn't want him to meet you, more that I didn't want you to meet him. Hal is..." Alexander struggled for the right word. "He can be naturally very curious in a tactless manner."

Finley almost laughed. "You know too many nosy people."

Alexander chuckled humourlessly. "Yeah, well, Hal is a great guy and a great doctor but he's stubborn too. When he gets an idea in his head, it's rather difficult to dissuade him."

"Does he think I'm a gold digger, too, then?" Finley asked, bitterness flavouring his voice again.

"No, he wants me to go back like he is," Alexander replied gently. "And he would have had no trouble using you to try and guilt me into it. He's like that. The end's justifies the means if he thinks the end is a worthy enough cause. Isabel managed to get a word or two in about what she thought but Hal ignored it and listened to what I told him about you."

"Lovely, this just gets better and better, doesn't it?" Finley mumbled.

"Isabel was around because of Hal. She's had a crush on him for ages, and she won't be around for a long while," Alexander told him. "She's gone to France for awhile because she's decided she wants to learn French."

Finley blinked at that. "Must be nice."

"Fin." Alexander reached out and touched his hand. Finley met his eyes for a moment and Alexander saw the chasm of hurt there before Finley looked away, drawing his hand against his chest as he did.

"Fin, I didn't keep you away from them because of you, I kept you away from them because of them," Alexander told him. "Hal wanted to met you once I told him about you. I said no. Half the time he was talking about his cases, partly because he was trying to get me back and partly because that is his life. It is gruesome, often, and I didn't think you needed to hear about it. I wanted to protect you from it."

"That should infuriate me," Finley said, still looking away but his voice wasn't as sharp. "It doesn't. Not... wanting to protect me. I understand that at least but, fuck, you didn't even tell me why you weren't around or why you didn't call or where you were ever. I didn't even know your friend was here."

Finley looked at him sharply. "And you're not telling me everything now either."

"No, I'm not," Alexander admitted. "But only because I haven't had the chance yet. I promise. I wanted to tell you about Hal and Isabel being around first. That's where I fucked up the most, I think."

"Fine," Finley's voice was wary but not openly hostile. "Why didn't you tell me Hal was here?"

"Would you have wanted to meet him?" Alexander asked. Finley didn't answer, but they both knew the answer was yes. "Would you have insisted on meeting him?"

'Would I have been able to say no to you?' Alexander asked himself silently.

Finley frowned. "Fine. I... I don't know if I forgive you for that but I understand it, sort of. Not entirely though. What else?"

"Well, this was supposed to be a surprise," Alexander told him. "I guess it still is. I've taken a leave of absence. An indefinite one."

Finley stared. "What?"

"I've been thinking about it for awhile. I always had a sketchy idea to open up my own clinic..." Alexander shrugged. "Getting that done takes a long time. Getting the leave takes time. I wanted it to be a surprise which meant not telling you, not until everything for the leave was finalized."

"Oh," Finley managed, blushing slightly. He looked away. "So when is your clinic opening then?"

Alexander shrugged. "No idea. I've looked into it. I haven't started anything yet."

"Why not?" Finley asked, clearly puzzled.

"I wanted some time off first," Alexander told him. He laughed suddenly. "I wanted to be able to spend some time with you, maybe get some of that travelling done."

Finley's head sank, his shoulder's slumping forward. He pressed a hand to his forehead. Alexander reached for his hand again and this time Finley didn't pull away.

"Fin," Alexander said quietly, hating to bring it up but knowing he had to. "There's something else too."

Finley rubbed his hand over his eyes and looked cautiously at Alexander. "What?"

"I've been having dreams lately, since just after I met you actually, really weird ones," Alexander said. Finley's eyes widened just slightly. "Yeah, those kinda dreams. The ones that make no sense but... do somehow."

"Okay," Finley said. "And?"

"And I decided to figure out why," Alexander told him. "So I've been doing some research."

"You didn't think to tell me that?" Finley asked, anger colouring his voice. "Damnit, Alex, you didn't think maybe that would be important to me?"

"I did, which is why I didn't tell you," Alexander replied. "I didn't want to tell you and have it be nothing. I haven't found anything certain yet as it is and some of what I found I know is complete garbage. I didn't think you needed the disappointment."

"I know I'm fucked up but I can think for myself," Finley pointed out. He actually smiled for a moment. "If you keep trying to protect me you're going to end up killing me."

Alexander didn't laugh. The comment actually made him feel a bit sick. Finley sighed and slumped back, looking at him.

"What did you find out?" Finley asked.

Alexander shook his head. "I have notes and stuff at home. I didn't bring them with me. I didn't really bring anything with me, I just came. I'd rather wait until I could show you what I've found. It'd make more sense."

Finley sighed but nodded. "Fine."

There was silence as they looked at each other.

"So what now?" Finley wondered.

"What do you want?" Alexander asked.

"Oh for fuck's sake!" Finley exclaimed. "Both you and Ben both go out of your way to protect me, or whatever, which, yes is screwed up but so am I and now everything is up to me which is not the best idea, you know. Isn't there some kind of happy medium? Why does everything involving me have to be an extreme?"

He ran a hand through his hair. "What do you want? Tell me that, at least. Do you want to get back together? Do you think we should or is this just going to happen again?"

"Before I got here I didn't know we had broken up," Alexander told him. "I wouldn't sit on your brother's porch for five days if I didn't want to fix this. I love you."

"Why did you do it then?" Finley asked. "Why, when I wanted to know what was going on, did you tell me to go away? Okay, so your friend Hal was there and you thought he'd hurt me or something, fine, but, Jesus, you hurt me! You were just... just mean about it."

Alexander flinched. "I know. I have no excuse for that. Hal was there, yes, and so was Isabel but I was frustrated and was short with you because of that. All I can say is I'm sorry."

Finley sighed. He wished Alexander had an excuse, something, but he was only human, after all. "This would be easier if I didn't love you."

Alexander felt a bit better at those words.

"Whatever you want, Fin, I'll do. I'll sit on your brother's porch or fuck off and leave you alone until you're ready to talk to me or stay right here if you want me to," Alexander told him. "I fucked up. I'm sorry. I'll do whatever I have to to make it up to you because I don't want to lose you."

Finley closed his eyes and released a shaky breath. "I don't think I've forgiven you yet."

Alexander tensed.

"That doesn't mean I won't though," Finley opened his eyes, looking distinctly uncomfortable. "I should want to never see you again but I don't. I don't want to lose you either."

"I'm glad," Alexander murmured.

"I'm not going any where for a few more days though," Finley told him. "I'm tired and... I think I need Ben around right now but... I'm tired."

"Okay, Fin," Alexander said. "Do you want me to stay?"

Finley shook his head. "No... But, don't leave. Not too far. Go... rent a hotel room or something so you can get off my brother's porch. I... We still need to talk more but... Later. Tonight or maybe... maybe tomorrow."

"Okay," Alexander agreed. He hesitated, then swiftly leaned forward and brushed his lips against Finley's cheek.

Finley blinked and drew his knees up as Alexander left, hurrying up the stairs to get Ben. Finley pushed his head down, feeling the hard press of his knees against his forehead.

He heard the creak of footsteps coming down the stairs moments later but didn't look up until he heard his name.

"Fin?"

Finley glanced and reached out for his brother and Ben was there, solid and safe and warm. Finley sighed shakily and pressed his face against Ben's neck as his brother rubbed his back.

"I'm tired," he murmured against Ben's neck, feeling small in his brother's arms.

"That's because you hardly slept last night," Ben told him quietly. "That's not good for you, eh? Think you can try to take a nap now for awhile?"

Finley nodded slowly, remaining passive against him. "Okay."

Evereven: No worries! Just do it more often in the future, eh? Reviews are this girl's best friend. Yeah, I know that joke is getting old. Glad to make your day! Finley...Yeah, he's very self-conscious about the whiny/clinging thing. And I love Ben and Alex and basically everyone. I even have a soft spot for Izzie if you can believe it!

athelas63: Yeah, I love Ben. I've got a problem with him though 'cuz I don't know what's going to happen to him later on. I mean, I've got no LotR character I can pair him up with so...maybe I should start hosting audtions for the part of his love interest, eh? How do you think the meeting went? There is more to Alex's absense that he touched upon briefly but he rightfully saved that for another day. Fin's got to process one thing first!

Someone Stupid: How'd he do? Fin's strong he's just...messed up which makes things difficult. I'm glad you like the story so much. Updates are going to have to stick to about every 2 weeks, and within the next month or so they might be even farther between, because I have school and all my exams and essays are due NOW. Then I have to start covering the volleyball again so...It's going to have to stick at two weeks for awhile yet. Sorry!

Kasmi Kassim: Thank you!

PrincessFaz: He's actually only been sick for about a week. That's just update time getting in the way of story time. Sorry! Is that enough Fin for you? Ben's not really mad, just concerned.

LadyJanelly: Thank you! Updates come every 2 weeks or so and I adore feedback!