Author's Note: Warning! Warning! This is the unbeta'ed version of this chapter but I thought everyone might want something before Tuesday so...

Chapter 12

"They've changed my prescription," Finley reported, sitting on the side of a river, dangling his feet into the cool water.

"I know," Faramir replied as he appeared out of the forest. He walked across the short stone bridge to sit beside Finley. For a moment, Finley wondered how he had known the other had arrived.

"Know all, see all type of guy, aren't you?" Finley muttered.

"You have an ill temperament today," Faramir observed.

"I should, I got switched to another fucking type of drug even though you're giving me these damned headaches," Finley told him, looking away.

"That you are in the process of remembering does increase the number of headaches, yes, but your prescription needed to be changed. Its efficiency was fading," Faramir replied. "The recent lethargy you have experienced is due to the emergence of the memories. That and your recent illness."

Finley remained rigid and unspeaking for long minutes. Faramir said nothing more but placed a hand on the back of his neck and gently started to massage the tense muscles. Finley's gaze stayed firmly rooted on his hands.

"I hate it when I have to switch or adjust the drugs. I hate adjusting to it. I hate being on them," Finley murmured as the tension in his neck eased very slightly. "I hate relying on them to function."

"You could not otherwise," Faramir pointed out.

"I know that," Finley said savagely. "Doesn't mean I have to like the fact I'm fucking dependant on them, that without three pills a day I wouldn't physically be able to function."

"No, I would not have detested that as well," Faramir admitted.

"You probably wouldn't have complained though," Finley muttered.

"No, I would have not survived the experience. Our healers were not so advanced," Faramir replied.

"But..." Finley began.

Faramir shook his head. "If Lord Elrond had been present and Aragorn or his brothers there to assist, perhaps a chance, because the...drugs they used on you would also have been limited but I would not have recovered as much. Otherwise and still then, likely, I would have died. Even the Black Breath...it was a wound of a different sort and is not comparable."

Finley shrugged. "There were still treatments, of sorts, for what is wrong with me now. The headaches and stuff."

"Nothing that can compare. Our wounds and our healing were largely of a different sort," Faramir told him. "Nothing I went through compares to what you did."

"You went through some pretty bad stuff," Finley commented.

"Finley," Faramir said firmly. "The worst of my experiences do not compare to yours, not in the least."

Finley drew his legs up out of the water, wrapped his arms around his knees and rested his head on them. "I want to remember you."

"Soon," Faramir told him. "When you are ready. You are not yet."

"I forget, when I wake up. I remember everything here but it doesn't...stick. I forget about getting Alexander to show me what he's found. I know he's not because I'm...we're dealing with this other shit now but I want to know, I want to remember. You're doing that too, aren't you?" Finley questioned.

Faramir smiled. "I am the reason you have begun to remember at all. You are not ready to remember and have given me no control over your conscious mind, I only exist here for now, until you are ready."

"For what?" Finley asked gruffly.

Faramir shook his head.

Finley got up and paced. "Why not?"

"Answer yourself. Here all my knowledge it yours, as yours is mine," Faramir replied.

Finley glared at him, paced, muttered. Faramir waited.

Finley stopped, sat down again. Faramir put an arm around his shoulders. Finley didn't move away but rested his head on the offered shoulder.

"It's a control thing," Finley said finally. "I'm more...vulnerable, I suppose, here, so you can appear. If, no, when I let myself remember you have an aspect of that control there as well."

"Yes," Faramir agreed. "Part of remembering is giving me that."

"But I can't, not yet," Finley told him. "Not yet. You're right, damn you."

Faramir laughed and nodded. "Yes. You are very like me, in that way. The idea of an outside force having any control over you is repulsive. Ben is not an outside force nor is your uncle, and Alexander...well, that is a changing thing. I, somehow, am."

"I didn't understand what you were," Finley told him. "I still don't, really."

"I know," Faramir chuckled. "I had to wait until you were vulnerable and sick to even begin appearing to you here and then it took you time to remember it from night to night. Before you remembered nothing save for the worst memories I have. Those you have been prone to, even receptive to at times."

"Because they're better than my nightmares," Finley said softly. "They're a reprieve. They have hope, even the wave dream, because it's your dream, not mine, and you know the history behind it and know what happened when it was over. They're better than mine but if they're not dark then my nightmares overpower them. They still do, sometimes. You can't keep them away entirely, can you?"

Faramir's eyes softened further with compassion as he shook his head and both arms wrapped tightly around Finley's hunched form. Finley closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. He felt safe here, with this version of himself.

"The memory you have always been most receptive to is that of my struggle against the Black Breath," Faramir told him quietly. "You have only recently remembered it, because of Alexander, but you have had it many times before. There is darkness that, but also light. You would never accept better memories until now, the dark dreams you had would overpower them."

Finley snorted. "Yeah, that sounds like me."

"You are too hard on yourself," Faramir told him. "That you clung to that hope when darkness was overpowering shows strength in itself."

Finley said nothing for a long time and eventually untangled himself from Faramir's embrace but remained close. "When I was..."

Finley swallowed. "Afterwards, when I came back and started to heal...You had something to do with that."

Faramir sighed. "Little. I tried to help...settle you, at that point. You were very vulnerable and so I had more ability to do so. You could not have handled the memories then, you likely would have gone mad had that been added to your burdens, but I could help, somewhat in the beginning."

"And when I shut you out, which I'm sure I did after I wasn't so dazed and dependant all the time I went downhill fast. You dulled things for me, at first," Finley observed. "I couldn't deal with it alone, even if I didn't consciously have your help."

Faramir winced, "Yes. I do not know if I made the right decision but I did not think you could deal with everything at once."

Finley shrugged. "Worked out in the end. Wasn't like I was doing so well anyway. I probably would have lost my grip otherwise. Nearly did anyway."

"But you did not," Faramir told him firmly. "You are still here, Finley, and though you have been changed you have not been broken."

"Maybe," Finley replied, looking away.

Faramir huffed. "You are stubborn."

Finley smiled slightly. "So were you."

"I like to think I outgrew that though I am probably wrong," Faramir told him, grinning. His hand came up again, resumed the massage of Finley's neck. He frowned, murmuring, "You are even tense in dreams..."

Finley hunched forward a bit. "I can't help it."

"I know," Faramir said.

Finley was silent for a moment. "Sometimes I feel like a child around you."

Faramir raised an eyebrow, paused and lay his warm hand flat on the back of Finley's neck. "That is not my intent."

"I know," Finley mumbled, rubbing his forehead against his knee. "You've just got...how many damned years to draw from again?"

"120," Faramir answered. "It does broaden one's perspective."

Finley looked at him oddly and then laughed. "I suppose so."

Faramir smiled and chuckled himself. "If I now begin to hear jests of my age from you..."

"Ha!" Finley looked at him and grinned. "I should just to annoy you. Nothing else seems to."

"Age and experience at hiding it," Faramir told him. "I assure you, irritation is something I feel."

"I'm not so good at that," Finley said.

"You are, though not as well as I can," Faramir replied. "You have not had 120 years to learn to either."

"More than120 if you count all the time in between now and then," Finley teased.

Faramir glared in mock anger at him. "You are going to ceaselessly use that against me."

"Yup," Finley told him. His smile faded. "I've got to have something."

Faramir stopped, waited for Finley to look at him. "I will never hurt you."

"I know," Finley said, sitting a bit straighter. "I know you won't. Still scares the shit out of me though."

"It was never going to be easy," Faramir said quietly. "But all such things require courage."

"Yeah." Finley leaned back, looked up at the leaves and the trees and the clear sky. "Yeah, I know."

Finley was asleep on the couch. They were at Alexander's again. After the tests, they had gone back to Finley's, where they had been the night before, grabbed some stuff, and come back to his house. Finley had wanted to, it meant they had more space around each other when they needed it. Finley needed that but needed to be with someone too...

It was fucked up, Alexander knew it, but Finley was happier this way, if not happy, and so he didn't particularly care.

He was worried. Finley was supposed to be better, the pneumonia had cleared up, but...he was still tired all the time. Alexander knew it wasn't likely a side effect of the new drugs, at least it shouldn't be. The scans and tests hadn't shown anything that could be causing this lethargy. It worried him, the unexplainable symptom of something.

The nightmares seemed to have abated somewhat though, that was a blessing. They hadn't stopped exactly, they just weren't as bad. They didn't leave Finley shaking, dazed and puking his guts out as often anymore. Just once since they'd returned from Ben's house.

And Alexander knew, they had slept together since the first night. In the same bed, that was. They hadn't done anything yet. Finley had only kissed him a couple of times since they came home but they did sleep beside each other. Finley seemed to need to and Alexander wasn't about to deny him anything.

It was not easy to wake up next to him though. Especially since Alexander tended to curl around him while they slept. He had, luckily, woken up before Finley when he'd done that and moved away, given him space. He hated doing it but he did it.

And now he was napping again. It was early afternoon and there wasn't any reason for Finley to be tired. They had gone grocery shopping today, that was it. Afterwards Finley had gone to read on the couch and fallen asleep by the time Alexander had put them away. Christ, when they first met Finley had hardly slept at all!

He hadn't brought up the dream stuff, all the research he had done on it, since they got home. He was too worried about this sudden sleeping thing, didn't want to stress Finley about it. If Finley asked then he'd show him but otherwise...He wanted to make sure Finley was healthy first.

Alexander sighed, reached down and absently ran his fingers through Finley's hair, thinking him still asleep. A hand reached up and caught his wrist in a gentle grip.

Grey eyes regarded him with a surreal calm. "I dreamt of you."

Alexander's breath caught in his throat.

"I dreamt of you," Finley repeated. "In another way, then, you loved me, maybe even as much as I loved you."

Alexander nodded, somehow finding a way to get the word unstuck. "Yes."

"I did not understand it, not for a long time, but I did, eventually. You knew that, you always knew somehow," Finley murmured and his lips fluttered gently against Alexander's wrist.

Alexander swallowed hard.

Finley blinked, his eyes revealing bewilderment. Alexander slid onto the couch next to him, pulling him into his arms. Finley was trembling.

Finley gripped at his arms. "Alex..."

"Shh, Fin, it's okay," Alexander tried to soothe him.

"No, no it's not!" Finley was shaking. "What the fuck was that? It was me but not me and...fuck! Fuck! I'm going crazy."

"No, you're not," Alexander said firmly, grabbing his wrists gently. Finley stopped, got a grip, but couldn't stop shaking.

"I think," Alexander said with great care. "That I should show you what I found out about these damn dreams."

athelas63: I think I have an idea of how you wait for this because it's the same as how I wait for you to update: impatiently! They're working on it, don't worry.

Someone Stupid: The last bit confused me too, Faramir just kinda butted in and wouldn't go away. He does that. Alexander's family, all of them, will be making more appearances soon, even Daniel and Izzie. Also, there will be glimpses of Finley's family beyond his brother (YAY!) and his father (Boo! Hiss!) coming soon. Can't leave poor Evan alone forever now can I?

sielge: Aragorn is being surprisingly unco-operative when it comes to Alexander's dreams. Faramir is the one past character who is really talking to me. Well, him and Denethor who is pissed at me and Finley's father.

Elenhin: Thank you! I'm glad you're enjoying it! Finley...I'm not sure anyone can fully help him, only in little bits. I don't think he's ever going to be completely better but that doesn't mean he's going to be unhappy for the rest of his life either. Faramir is forcefully about how he's going to be so he's surprisingly easy to write. And Ben is the perfect brother; I want one like him!

Circini: Yeah, Finley is rather fatalistic in that aspect, he knows he's never going to be the same again, he's just been working to survive everything. Finley is strong, but he does doubt himself a lot.

Seadragon: Yes, this is Faramir after everything, good and bad, and I think in the end for him the good managed to outweigh the bad. I like to think Faramir knew a great deal of happiness in the years after the Ring war and that reflects in how I write him. I'm not sure whether I believe in past lives or not, I haven't given it a lot of thought, it just kinda happened for this story. Finley is, as I said, strong, but he's shaky and there's always an element of fear and doubt in him because of past events and he does NOT like the idea that he might be going crazy at all. I don't think Aragorn and Faramir were lovers, btw, but that they did love each other very greatly.