An Interview with the Masked Duelist
By: Von Stupor
Yugi, Joey, Tristan, Téa, and their newest ally Baron Von Stupor were enjoying their evening eating outside of a local Battle City restraunt. Yugi and Tristan were eating Niku-itame, while Joey had Shoyu Ramen. Téa, not very hungry, simply had Nimono. Von Stupor, however, had not received his meal yet, as he was too busy arguing with the waiter over the fact that they don't sell lasagna.
The waiter was a young man, rather impatient.
"I'm very sorry, sir, but we cannot make special orders. This is a traditional Japanese restraunt, and we do not sell any spaghetti, or lasagna, or any other pasta dish you are wanting. If you must have pasta, we could make some ramen," said the waiter sternly.
"How can one ingest his or her daily supplement of tomatoes?!" Von Stupor ranted.
"Welcome to Japan, sir. We do not make Italian pasta dishes."
"How dare you speak to your customer in that manner! Let me see your manager, for this is outrageous!"
The waiter rolled his eyes and scuttled off to get the restraint manager.
Von Stupor turned to the others and said, "Watch this. It shall be quite humorous."
A minute later, the manager came to Von Stupor. The manager looked rather plump, and had a bald spot on the top of his head. The waiter stood further away and watched Von Stupor with a pompous smile.
"What is the problem sir?" asked the manager.
Von Stupor lost his angry tone and spoke in a calm, collected manner. "I don't know about you, sir, but I do believe your employee is quite mad," he said.
"What makes you say that, sir?" inquired the manager.
"Well, he came over with an irritated look in his eye, as if he had had a bad day today. I simply asked for the special and somehow he began ranting about not having any pasta. How he got "pasta" out of "special", I may never know, but I do wish he could have his facts straight. Is he, perhaps, hard of hearing?"
The manager walked to the waiter and spoke to him. "Are you deaf—I mean, do you have… you know, weak ears?" he asked the waiter. He had clearly been trying to ask him in a way he could understand while still trying to be sensitive about it.
The waiter gave the manager an odd look and said, "Sometimes I can be hard of hearing, if that is what you're getting at. Why do you ask, sir?"
The manager looked at Von Stupor, back at the waiter, and then proceeded to shuffle back over to Von Stupor without answering the waiter.
"I apologize for the inconvenience," the manager informed Von Stupor.
"I would hope so," Von Stupor replied. "…After the verbal thrashing I received."
"What?" asked the manager, looking surprised.
"That heathen threatened to throw me out of the restraunt unless I ordered something they served, and I wasn't about to change my order because of his deaf ears. It… made me quite sad." Von Stupor emitted a fake sniffle.
"Well… I'll tell you what. You and your friends may eat here free, compliments of the restraint. I'll have the chef fix up a special for you, alright?" the manager offered, reluctantly.
"It won't help my hurt feelings any, but… I suppose it will do."
The manager nodded and walked away. He instructed the waiter to follow him.
"Von Stupor, you're a trip," Joey said.
"You should be ashamed of yourself," Téa scolded. "This restraunt works hard to make its money! Don't you have a conscience?"
"The restraunt doesn't work hard enough if they couldn't see through my trickery. Besides, I added your choices in my head and came up with a total greater than 12,000 yen. If you want to pay that kind of bill, then be my guest. You should be calling it a favor."
Téa's gaze shifted to the ground. She shook her head and sighed.
"Von Stupor, I think I've changed my mind about you," said Tristan. "You're alright, man."
"Yugi, why so quiet?" Joey asked Yugi. "Come to think of it, where's your grandpa at?"
"He wanted a break from the excitement, so he went back to the hotel," Yugi replied.
"Hey, Von Stupor. I think since all the dueling's over and all, we can get to know you better. You don't mind if we conduct an interview, do you?" Tristan asked.
"If you dare, then go right on ahead."
"Alright, then. First off, what's your real name?"
"I am… Baron Von Stupor."
"No, I mean your real name."
"…Baron Von Stupor."
"I want to know the name your parents gave you!"
"Baron Von Stupor."
"Your parents named you Baron Von Stupor?"
"No."
"…Then what did they name you?"
"Von Stupor."
"They named you Von Stupor?
"No."
"What the heck did they name you, then?!"
Joey then interrupted the conversation so Tristan could cool off.
"Alright, next question! What's with the mask?"
"What mask?"
Joey stared at Von Stupor incredulously.
"The mask right there on your face!" Joey pointed out, raising his voice slightly.
"Oh, this one."
"Yeah, that one!" Joey mocked. "What is it?"
"It's a mask."
Joey began to growling and clenching his fists.
"Joey, let's calm down now," Yugi said, nervously.
Von Stupor sat, staring at Joey, his head cocked to the side.
Joey caught himself and began laughing.
"I see what's going on here!" he said. "You're just screwing with me!"
"Ha, ha, you've found me out," replied Von Stupor. "This mask, my friend, is none other than Majora's Mask."
"Wait a minute, you mean from 'The Legend of Zelda'?"
"Indeed."
"Hey, I played that game one time!"
"Ha, ha, so have I."
"Don't you ever take it off?" asked Téa.
"To do such would be un-Von Stuporish!"
"You never ever take it off?" asked Yugi.
"Blasphemy!"
"How come you never take it off?" asked Tristan.
"I have many resons, which would you like to hear?"
Everyone stared at Von Stupor, confused.
"Well, if I must give an answer, this one should work: If one knows the author of this story well enough (mind you, none do) one can put two and two together and deduce the answer," Von Stupor answered.
"What about your coat?" Joey asked. "Why wear it like a cape?"
"Because it is a cape, silly face! It is both a coat and a cape, therefore it is my cope. Don't you find it rather fashionable?"
"Actually, I think it's kind of ugly," Joey answered.
"Joey! That's very rude!" Téa reprimanded.
"Well, then," said Von Stupor. "If that is the case, I must be on the right track!"
Once again, everyone stared in confusion. Just then, another waiter came with Von Stupor's meal.
"There is someone who wishes to speak with you, baron Von Stupor," he said.
"Who might that be, O bringer of nutrients?" Von Stupor inquired.
Just then, a large, glowing golden eye appeared on the waiter's forehead, and his voice became drastically deeper and distorted.
"Greetings, Baron Von Stupor. I am known as Marik," the waiter said.
"Ah, yes. I've heard of you. How's life treating you?"
"Don't be a fool. I have learned that you defeated one of my rare hunters in a duel, is this true?"
"Indeed. Their cloaks are like various stinky things when it comes to smell."
"I designed those cloaks! Watch your tongue!"
"Your designing skills are good, but your choice in materials is like crap, for crap is stinky, as are the cloaks."
"The cloaks smell fine! Hold your tongue!"
"Stinky stinky stinky stinky stinky stinky!!!"
The waiter possessed by Marik lunged at Von Stupor. Von Stupor rolled backward out of his chair and Marik flew over him, landing on the floor belly-first. Von Stupor stood up, but Marik was up first and threw a hard right at Von Stupor. Surprisingly, Von Stupor took the hit. Marik, instead of hitting Von Stupor's face, hit his mask instead, and Marik's hand emitted a sickening crackle. This must have broken the spell, because the waiter hunched over in pain and howled in his true voice. The police came to take away the waiter, but not before Von Stupor thanked him for the meal.
"Hey, Von, how do you plan on eating that if you won't take off the mask?" Joey asked.
"Like this," Von Stupor answered, and he took his noodles and fed himself by putting the food under the mask from the bottom up. As he ate, food began to accumulate on the bottom of his mask.
"Your mask is… getting corroded," Téa mentioned.
"Yes, I see that. That is why these little wonders were created," Von Stupor replied, wiping his mask with a napkin.
"Hey, Yugi," Joey whispered. "I bet his face is bleach-white under that mask."
Though it was a little rude, Yugi couldn't help but snicker a little bit.
"What?" said Von Stupor, noticing Yugi. "What is this you laugh about? You snicker as if I were some insane person of insanity who takes great pleasure in standing around in an unfashionable winter coat while wearing a mask when it is nowhere near Halloween."
"Actually, I have another question, if you don't mind," Yugi said to Von Stupor.
"Shoot."
"Well, I've never seen you around here or Domino City. Where did you come from?"
"I hail from the land of America. Don't be mistaken, I do not represent Americans. If I did, I would be killed for creating such an image for those poor fools."
"Wait a minute…" Téa interrupted. "You actually realize how you're acting?"
"Ha, ha, ha… one could say that. I know that the way I act does not conform with conventional human etiquette, but I like it better that way. Seeing the looks on people's faces as they realize that some nut that is beneath their social class has defeated them, thus ruining their reputation simply fills me with joy. Actually, one could consider me bait. Bait for fools, those who prey on the weak, those who think they're the best. I am the one that can teach them the err of their ways. I hope to be the one to rub out bad sportsmanship."
"So, you just act that way to teach people a lesson," said Tristan. "That doesn't make a whole lot of sense."
"I act the way I do because it is my personality, and nothing more. You cannot deny who you are. However, I use my erratic behavior to my advantage. Do I hurt anybody? Do I inflict pain and suffering? No, I use it for the good of man."
"So let me get this straight… You can't control the way you act, so you take advantage of it?" Joey asked.
"Indeed. Bad sportsmanship is everywhere. People see me and think, 'Look at that wacko. I bet I could whip him in duel monsters.' That is when they mock my skill, my appearance, me. Then, I crush them. Their illusion is shattered. They are not the best, nor will they ever be, because no matter what their skill level may be at, there is always someone better. That is the same with me."
"Wow, you've got some noble intentions. Well… kind of… I guess…" Yugi said.
"Ha, ha, ha… I wouldn't expect you to understand. To be brutally honest, I don't even fully comprehend why I do what I do. All I know is that I do what I do and I have no problem with it thus far."
Von Stupor finished the last of his meal and everyone headed towards the hotel. A rare hunter stopped Von Stupor en route.
"Back to our little conversation," the rare hunter said in the familiar distorted voice. He was obviously being controlled by Marik. "I didn't appreciate the brutality you showed towards my rare hunters."
"Antagonism is not a wise choice. They tried to burgle my cards. Should I have just allowed them to be stolen?" Von Stupor replied.
"It would have been a wise thing to do, for now we are watching your every move, waiting for a chance to strike."
"Bah! It's no different than what you're doing to Yugi! You been watching me since before I punished your pitiful rare hunters!"
"Hmmm… true. What are you doing with a Relinquished in your deck?"
"I am dueling with it. What else would I do, Mary-poo?"
"Do not call me that, Von Stupor."
"Why not? It has a nice ring to it—"
"…Because I do not wish to be called Mary-poo!"
"…But… I like Mary-poo. There's gotta be a better reason for you not to like Mary-poo than not liking to be called Mary-poo, Mary-poo. So, why don't you like being called Mary-poo, Mary-poo?"
"Maaaaaaaaaaaaareeeeeeeeeeeeee-pooooooooooooooooooo," Von Stupor said slowly, being sure to overpronounce every syllable.
"I see what you're doing," said Marik. "I shall not attack you again. Instead, I shall challenge you to a duel!"
"No."
"The Battle City tournament rules clearly state that you cannot decline a challenge to a duel!"
"I care not, O putrid smelling one."
"I'll have my rare hunters report you to the authorities!"
"Have fun."
Von Stupor turned and walked away. Yugi and friends joined him. Marik was left behind screaming.
"Um, Von Stupor?" Yugi addressed.
"Yes, ye of little size?"
"Um, why do you have a 'Relinquished' in your deck?"
"Ah, Relinquished. 'Tis my pride and joy."
"Yes, but… only Maximillion Pegasus owned that card."
"Ah, Pegasus. Let me enlighten you with a story. I consider Pegasus as a sort of role model. We were good friends for the longest time. We mainly communicated via the Internet. He told me everything about his projects. He told me about the Duelist Kingdom tournament, and even about you, Yugi. He told me about his Millennium Eye and your Millennium Puzzle and whatnot. He even trusted me so much as to tell me about his plans to collect the seven Millennium items and resurrect his late wife, Cecilia. I must admit, though his intentions were honorable, I did not agree with his approach, what with the kidnapping of your Grandpa's soul. He even told me he felt remorse for the way he planned to get your Millennium Puzzle, but he deeply felt he had no other option. I was hoping you would defeat him, Yugi. I hoped you would defeat him so as to show him how wrong he was in his approach, and afterwards, perhaps even help him. Anyway, ever since you defeated him, he had stopped e-mailing me. He didn't even respond to my e-mails to him. Shortly before his defeat, he sent me my Relinquished, mainly because he knew that I fell in love with it on sight. I figured that something might have happened to him, but I am unsure what. I could be led to believe that you did something to him since the e-mails stopped immediately after you defeated him, but judging by what he's told me about you—your shyness, your kindness—I wouldn't be able to believe such a thing. That is when I grabbed my deck—which contained my wonderful Relinquished—and headed out here. I figured I would run into you eventually, judging by your fame. Does that answer your question?"
"You sure did," said Yugi, surprised. "That's a whole side of Pegasus I've never seen before. I can promise you this, though: Neither the spirit of the puzzle nor I had anything to do with Pegasus's disappearance. We would never do anything like that to anyone. In fact, we ran into Pegasus after our duel and saw him severely weakened for some reason, but we never found out why."
"That is disturbing information, but vital nonetheless. I thank you for it. Perhaps I may find another clue later in the tournament."
"I hope you do."
Von Stupor nodded.
"Could you just answer one more question before the night is over?"
"What's that?"
"What really is your name?"
"Baron Von Stupor."
"Is it really?"
"No."
"Never mind, then," Yugi chuckled.
"Indeed I shall, indeed I shall."