"The Twisted Mind of the Masked Duelist"
By: Von Stupor
"This cannot be…" Majora said to himself. "What is going on?"
A cube-shaped room appeared around him. It was dimly lit a single fluorescent light hanging from the ceiling. The walls were a slight gray, with no windows and a single door. Beside him sat a rectangular table and a chair.
After a few moments, a priest came into the room.
"Who are you? What is this place?" demanded Majora.
"You poor fool," he said solemnly. "Here you stand and yet you do not know where you are. God save you."
A disco ball lowered out of the ceiling and twirled, bright colors flashing everywhere. Disco music began playing and the priest began busting a move.
Majora, now extremely confused, stumbled out of the room. He then found himself in a fast food restraunt. The management and customers were at war, throwing food every which way. One customer ripped the lettuce out of a burger with his teeth and hurled it over the counter, which resulted in a large explosion. Bodies flew everywhere and the customers began cheering.
Majora rushed out of the restraunt via the entrance and was bewildered to find himself in a private bathroom. In the shower stood a very obese naked man, screaming in a high-pitched voice. Now horribly scarred for life, Majora ran out of the door he entered from, preferring to be in the restraunt.
Oddly enough, he emerged outside. However, something was very wrong. The city was inhabited by penguins, the sun had a smiling face, the birds were toasters with wings, and all the buildings bobbed back and forth in unison.
He traveled down a snakeskin sidewalk and was stopped by a gang of penguins. One had a boom box on its shoulder and bobbed its head to the elevator music blaring out of it.
"How much money ya got, sucka?" said one, brandishing a switchblade.
"Your puny weapons do not frighten me, flightless bird. Remove yourself from my path or fall victim to the horrors of my dark magic," Majora replied, unafraid.
"He be jonin', dawg," said another. "Le's mess him up some!"
"Yeah," said the first. "You bes' be learnin' some respect!"
They each pulled out a switchblade and came towards Majora.
"Fools!" he bellowed. "Be gone!"
With a wave of Majora's hand, each penguin was paralyzed for a moment and thrown back a few feet.
"You are indeed fortunate that I do not kill you right now. However, I am preoccupied with finding answers to my… many questions."
"Man, jes' please don't hurt us! We'll tell you whatever you need ta know!" they pleaded.
"Then tell me… What is this place?!"
"Sorry dawg, I can't tell ya none o' dat; ya need ta look ta God for those answers."
Majora snorted and walked away.
He walked two more blocks and came across a shopping center. Just then, two pieces of toast landed on his head and a few penguins laughed at him. Majora looked up and saw a toaster flying away.
Was I just defecated upon by a flying toaster? He thought to himself.
He walked into a store called 'Buttons R' Us'. The floor was tiled with buttons, the walls were decorated and assorted, and everyone working in the store was a teddy bear with buttons for eyes.
"This button was the button on the inside zipper of Dale Earnhardt's tuxedo pants during his wedding!" said one to a toothless old woman.
"Can I help you?" said another to Majora.
Majora turned and said, "Yes, tell me where I am."
"Why, you're in 'Buttons R' Us', home of the button from Elvis's pants during his first concert!"
"I want to know what city I am in."
"Um, I can't tell you that. Look to God for answers to questions like those."
Sensing no higher intelligence here than anywhere else, Majora abruptly left threw the door he entered and wound up in a lumberjack convention. As he looked around, he felt something rub against his rear. Surprised at this, he turned to see what had done it, but saw no clues. All he saw were lumberjacks everywhere, laughing and showing off their muscles. Just then, something patted his rear. He frantically turned from side to side, but all he saw nothing. He continuously felt manly hands patting and squeezing his hind side. Panicking, Majora ran. The faster he ran, though, the more hands he felt. Soon, he could take no more and let out a mighty roar. His dark aura energized and exploded from him, decimating the entire area.
When the smoke cleared, he found out that what he thought was rubble was actually cement. Once he realized this, he felt the ground shaking lightly. He looked up to see a gigantic Tristan Taylor and Joey Wheeler.
"Whoa, that has gotta be the ugliest bug I ever seen!" exclaimed Joey.
"So what? Skoosh it and let's get going," responded Tristan.
"Whatever."
Joey raised his foot and brought it down forcefully, but Majora ran out of the way. The force from Joey's shoes hitting the ground knocked him over.
"Stupid bug!" muttered Joey.
"Insolent human!" Majora called back, attempting to knock Joey away with his magic.
Due to Joey's massive size, however, he simply stumbled back and fell on his rump.
Majora floated into the air and demanded to know where he was, but before he could get it out, he was clapped by Tristan.
Majora, having lost his patience, blasted Tristan's hands apart, but instead of them being hands, they were bed covers wrapped tightly around him. He threw them off and found himself in the front cart of a roller coaster. He was the only one on board. The coaster hit a huge dip, which sent Majora's stomach into his ribcage. He then hit a ramp next to a sign that said, "Under Construction".
Convenient, Majora thought.
The coaster was sent careening over a cliff. Majora hopped out of the cart and began to freefall. On the way down, a flying toaster flew into the side of his head. He furiously clutched his head in pain. He used his magic to correct his fall and land softly. Four slices of toast landed on his head.
He looked up to finally see a place he recognized; Ostreinsburg Chapel.
Look to god for answers, he thought to himself. I'll look to him, all right. I'll swallow his soul, too.
Majora walked inside. There was light shining from the painted glass windows. As Majora walked through the massive hall, he could hear a faint whisper speaking to him.
Majora… it said.
Majora was a tad nervous. He continued to wander towards the chasm that haunted the end of the hall.
Majora…
Once he was an arm's length from the chasm, he stopped. He felt an ominous presence other than himself in the room.
Just then, a massive Baron Von Stupor burst from the chasm, screaming "My Body as a Shield!!!"
The scare sent Majora sprawling backwards. He gaped as Pious Augustus came from out of nowhere.
"Your task, my liege and Greater Guardian, is to guard this place," he said. "Do not worry about this worm. His kind yelps in terror at sight of your mightiness. We will dispose of him ourselves."
Baron Von Stupor stared at him for a moment until he finally said, "This is Amiens, France… isn't it? This is not Amiens, France… is it?"
Von Stupor shook his head and Pious said "Oh crap." prior to teleporting away quickly.
Majora got up with a jump and bellowed, "What the hell are you doing here?!"
"Majora… This… is God…" Von Stupor boomed.
"No! You cannot be God, you are a mere boy!" Majora cried in disbelief.
"I am a young adult, thank you very much, and you are halfway correct, backstabbing backstabber of backstabbers," he replied in his normal voice. "For I am God… in my dreams."
"What???"
"You see, I can be a very forgiving person. However, that does not mean that your bad deeds shall not go unpunished."
"I fail to understand."
"I contemplated calling our deal off, but I would rather keep your protection around, what with the magical powers and whatnot. However, I am still rather angry with you and your intentions. Therefore, I have concocted a punishment for you. I have fortunately been knocked out cold. I used that opportunity to have a dream, because I knew that with you being stuck in my mind whilst I am out, you would be hopelessly sucked into it. Now that you have finally listened to my mind's inhabitants and looked to Me for your answers, your punishment may now commence."
"What is my punishment?"
Von Stupor shrunk down to his normal size and floated onto the cliff.
"You shall be tortured in the most agonizing way imaginable," he said, chuckling.
"You fool!" Majora shouted in his face. "Do you truly believe that you can defeat an immortal entity such as myself?!"
"You just don't understand, do you? Once I am asleep, you're in my world, and once you're in my world, you officially become my bitch."
"Have at thee!!!"
"Indeed!!!"
Majora leapt back and used his dark magic to form a pair of cursed katars. Von Stupor used his godly powers to create a pair of toilet seats.
The two then charged each other. The katars and toilet seats interlocked and Von Stupor and Majora stood face to face. Majora went for a cheap kick to Von Stupor's genitals, but Von Stupor twisted his lower section and caught Majora's leg in between Von Stupor's legs. Majora loosed a dark electrical surge that sent Von Stupor's body into a minor seizure. He recovered quickly and dropped his toilet seats.
Von Stupor reached into his cope and pulled out a car antenna. Majora transformed his katars into a cursed rapier. Back and forth they fenced, both aggressive and defensive at times. Majora foolishly tried to lunge at Von Stupor, but he parried and slapped Majora across the face with the antenna tip. The blow spun Majora around and he fell to his knees.
Majora wiped the spit from his chin and transformed his rapier into a cursed broad axe. Von Stupor tossed away the antenna and a push broom flew from nowhere into his hands. Majora merely jabbed the axe at Von Stupor and the broom broke, throwing Von Stupor back, ultimately landing on his rear.
"You cheated!" shouted Von Stupor, and threw the broom handle at Majora. The handle hit him in the legs, which gave Von Stupor enough time to pull out his trademark weapon, his flyswatter. Majora transformed his axe into his trademark cursed whip and immediately began an assault from afar.
Von Stupor dodged the whip as it lashed to and fro. Eventually, Von Stupor wormed his way up close, and Majora made an attempt to bludgeon him with the handle of the whip. It was an upward strike, aimed for Von Stupor's throat, but Von Stupor caught it using both hands. Majora then received a swift knee to his stomach. He crumpled over and was then assaulted by an enormous combo of flyswatter strikes to his face.
Majora, now horribly furious, changed his weapon to a cursed broadsword. Von Stupor took off his cope and gripped it in both hands.
Majora charged at Von Stupor and swung the sword down vertically, but Von Stupor rolled out of the way and clobbered him in the side of his head with his cope. The blow stunned Majora for a moment, giving Von Stupor enough time to build his strength and slam the cope down upon Majora back and neck. Majora fell to his knees and sat there for a moment. He then wobbled to his feet, exhausted. Von Stupor then fired the cope at him and it ensnared him, constricting his body. It locked his arms and legs together, rendering him immobile. Despite his writhing, he couldn't get it off.
Von Stupor walked to him and said, "Now that I have you right where I desire you to be, your punishment may now commence."
Von Stupor got on the ground and got Majora into a headlock. He then proceeded with rapping on Majora's head rapidly with his knuckles.
"Get off!" shouted Majora, squirming. The rapping was more irritating than painful.
Majora could feel his anger rising. Despite his yells and threats, Von Stupor continued to rap on his head. Majora couldn't use any of his magic due to the constant rapping that clouded his concentration.
This went for about five straight minutes, and Majora finally got to his breaking point.
In a cry of despair, Majora howled, "Mercy!!!"
Just then, Von Stupor awoke in his bed.
"Life can be sweet," he said with a grin. "but dreams can be oh, so sweeter."
You can be a cruel person… if given the chance, he heard Majora say to him in his mind.
"Ha, ha, ha… Thank you," he replied, and drifted back to sleep.