"I'm just a normal girl," Buffy cried, "And now I'm a fat normal girl," she began to sob uncontrollably with black whorish mascara running down her cheeks.
Angel scrambled over to her, and rubbed her back. "I mean, if you were pregnant it would take a while, wouldn't it?" Angel asked tears in his eyes. "Buffy what's going on?"
"Angel, don't you understand...I'm fat" and then it suddenly occurred to her, "Wait, I think I may also be pregnant, Oh God I'm fat and pregnant, what am I going to do?" Apparently Buffy was too dense to realize something was very wrong.
Angel suddenly smiled, "I'm going to be a dad?"
"I'm going to be a mom," Buffy wailed as the tears strolled down her cheeks, blackened from the mascara. Buffy really didn't want to be a mom, being a mom meant that she would have to end her kinky ways and settle down, neither of which she really wanted to do.
Angel kissed Buffy hard on her lips. "I have to tell you something important though Buffy before we make any decision regarding the baby..."
Buffy looked at him through tear stained and unattractive puffy eyes, "What?"
Angel sighed, "I think I'm gay..."
"NNOOOOOOO," Buffy yelled, and then muttered, "I knew it."
"I mean you were good and all, but have you ever seen Orlando Bloom in leather, that is beauty," Angel said with far off dreamy look on his face.
Buffy sighed, "Well, at least that means I can still hoe around if I want. But, what are we going to do about the baby?"
"I'll take it, I always wanted a hot baby."
"Hell no," Buffy yelled, "I only need you for child support, MY baby is staying with ME." Due to her extreme stress Buffy grew another two inches
Angel slapped her, then said in a very feminine voice. "That's my baby, you're just a slut who couldn't keep her legs shut," Angel shouted, snapping his fingers in front of his face.
Then suddenly and without warning...
Spike burst through the door. "Angel, luv...what's this!" He shrieked at Angel. "I was gone...what? a week, and I find you with some...some GIRL!"
Angel went over to Spike, and kissed him hard on the lips. "Oh baby we are going to be parents, isn't that great?"
Spike stuck out his lip. "But...aw, what the heck. This is great, luv." Spike then kissed Angel again. "But, don't do that again."
Buffy began to cry and then shouted, "Well, you know what? If your brain is as small as your p..." She then wrinkled her nose at the two male lovers and looked away.
"Oh trust me my baby, my baggage is anything but small," Angel said snapping his fingers again, "You didn't seem to mind it after all."
Just then before she could comment, Buffy fell onto her back, screaming out into pain, "I think it's coming!"
"Angel" Spike said, slapping Angel's chest. "It's coming! We're gonna be daddies!" Spike said jumping up and down.
Angel went over to Buffy, and crouched between her legs. He was going to be super doctor, and deliver his child. Buffy glared at him and before she could refuse him or kick him away she fainted from the pain with her legs spread out open at an odd angle.
Angel grabbed the hairy head, and pulled it out. "Oh my gosh it's a German Shepard!" Angel cried out happily. He loved dogs after all.
Buffy looked up, saw that her newborn child had four legs and fur and then fainted again
"Look Spikey Poo, what we always wanted," he said carrying the puppy over to him. I shall name him Fluffy and he will be ours," Angel said proudly.
"WAIT!" Spike shouted before Buffy closed her legs. "There's another one!"
Angel went over to Buffy again, and this time pulled out a bunny rabbit. "Oh my god, it is like totally cute, I shall name her...Anya."
Angel then put the two newborn animals in cribs before going back to make out with Spike. All the while ignoring the fainted Buffy, still with her legs spread open at a very odd angle.
Suddenly...
There was a knock on the door, and before anyone could answer, the crew of Jerry Springer came rushing in.
Angel stopped kissing Spike, and went over to Jerry. "Oh Jerry you are so hot, may I kiss you?"
"What the hell?" Spike said punching Jerry. "No way! You're mine."
"No," Jerry said pushing Angel away and rubbing the side of his face where Spike had hit him, "Today we are talking about teenage whores that have sex with gay men and then bare animal offspring. Shortened title: Bitch, that ain't my gopher's daddy."
Angel couldn't take it any more, he stripped to the buff, and streaked across the stage singing the sun will come out tomorrow song.
Buffy finally came too and when she did she saw that a camera was shoved right in between her legs, catching the action as a deer popped out.
Jerry pointed the microphone to Spike, "And who are you sir?"
Spike punched him again.
Angel ran around Jerry yelling, "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood."
Buffy popped out a can of soda.
Angel ran over to Buffy and took the can from her, and then dumped it over her head. He then began to chant "JERRY JERRY JERRY"
Buffy screamed and then jumped back up from the floor, her stomach now having been reduced to normal size. She noticed a very cute bouncer and jumped on him. Angel than hit the bouncer, who was getting more attention then him, with a shovel.
Buffy looked at the now lifeless bouncer and hopped on top of him anyway.
"I think the trouble here is clearly something in the food," Jerry said as he smiled into the camera, "and bad parenting.."
Angel went over to the Bouncer, and began to hump his leg.
Buffy humped his other leg.
Angel than began to hump Buffy, "Wanna make more animals?"
"But, you're gay," Buffy said in confusion as a rabbit, probably the one named Anya, ran up and bit off the bouncer's fingers.
"I don't know anymore Buffy. We made love and had children, I can't just ignore that fact. Maybe I'm bi who knows, what I do know is I love you,"
"No you didn't!" Spike interrupted. "You said WE were gonna be parents!" Spike then started to cry. "Baby, I love you."
"I'm sorry Spike, but when I look at you I see regret, when I look at her I see a future," Angel said.
"You love me," Buffy said as she stopped gyrating on the bouncer's leg.
"There you have it folks, he loves her," Jerry Springer said grinning into the camera again.
"Awwwww," went the audience, expect for Cordelia, who was sitting in the back. She merely glared and threw a beer bottle which hit the rabbit still chewing on the bouncer's fingers.
"Yes," Angel said, "I just wanted to make sure, ya know, explore my options. I have no more regrets."
"Regret for what!" Spike screamed. "THIS!" He then ripped off his shirt, revealing a pregnant belly.
The audience gasped.
Angel looked over at Spike, and said "That's not mine, that's his," he said point at Jerry.
The audience gasped again.
Cordelia threw another beer bottle.
"What? He's lying, no, no folks it's okay, it's not really mine.," Jerry reassured
"Buffy I love you baby, will you marry me," he said dropping to one knee.
But before Buffy could answer him...
"NO! It's not!" Spike cried. "It's...It's BUFFY's!"