Pt. 3

Boy, am I stupid. I know we've determined this multiple times, but I think it bears repeating…again. Here I am, chasing Donna through the streets of Virginia, and the main thought running through my mind is that I am in fact, stupid.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I'm chasing her through the streets because of the accidentally calling her stupid thing. Oh no, my friend, you've once again underestimated my ability to make things worse.

See, I was standing in the McDonald's parking lot, watching Donna peel rubber out of there, and I was in so much shock that for several seconds I couldn't move. What had just happened? When she turned right out of the parking lot, I snapped back to reality and started running for the driver's side of my car. She was already on the main road, but thank goodness she was stopped at a red light behind a few other cars, otherwise she would have lost me completely.

After weaving in and out of traffic like some sort of wannabe Indy car driver for several blocks, and being flipped off by an eighty year-old woman, I caught up with Donna. I tried getting her attention at a few red lights, but that didn't work, so I tried calling. Unfortunately, the only thing she said before disconnecting was, "Why bother trying, I'm far too stupid to understand anything you might say." That was when I decided I didn't understand women at all and that it was possible Donna had completely lost her mind. Where did she get the stupid thing? It was clear to me at this point that I needed a woman's opinion.

"Joshua, did you fix it?" she asked when she answered.

"Well…"

"Oh no."

"Mom, it's not my fault," I said adamantly.

"It's not?" She sounded somewhat doubtful, but I decided to let it go, I was running out of time… and gas.

"No, she's lost her mind!" I yelled.

My mother very calmly replied. "Dealing with a lunatic following her around Virginia all day, I'm not surprised. What happened?"

"I told her about the prostitute thing, and she believed me, and then she accused me of thinking she's stupid or something, when we all know that's not true." I was rambling, but I couldn't stop myself.

"Well, did you call her stupid?" What?

"No! I just pointed out to her that I wasn't used to congressmen asking her out, and that's why I had assumed he was offering her a job."

"And that's it?"

"Yes!" I shouted.

"Ok, I'll call you back."

"But, Mom, I need your help!"

"I said I'll call you back Dear, it's my turn to deal."

"You're deserting me in my time of need to play cards? I thought you wanted grandchildren."

"I do."

"Well, Donna's the only woman who has any chance of putting up with me long enough to procreate."

"I'm well aware of that, Dear. I'll call you back."

"But…I can't keep following her indefinitely. I'm going to have to go to work tomorrow." And at that point, I didn't even know where I was. We'd been driving for almost three hours, and I'd been too busy watching Donna to watch street signs.

"I'll call you back," she said, and hung up.

While patiently waiting for my mother to finish whatever senior citizen activity had her so occupied that she couldn't help her only son, I called into the office, where Toby told me that Donna had received flowers. "You must've really messed up if you sent flowers," he said, berating me.

"What? I didn't send flowers." Now I was panicking, that bastard bought her flowers.

"Oh, well someone did," he said, laughing at me in his own unique non-laughing way.

"Who? Never mind, I know who. What kind of flowers are they?"

"Do I look like a florist to you?"

"Come on Toby. Are they roses or not?"

"Yeah, a dozen."

"And are they red?"

"They are."

"Then you know damn well what kind of flowers they are! They're 'I had a great time last night and I can't wait to see you again' flowers!"

"I didn't know Donna had a date last night," he said, still amused at my misfortunate situation.

"Yes, she had a date last night! With Congress-fucking-man Brett Allen!" By this time I was screaming.

"What?" he asked, surprised. Finally, someone other than me was alarmed by this news.

"Brett Allen took her out last night!"

"A congressman?"

"Yes."

"Well…that's a first," he said quietly.

"Yeah."

"That's what you thought was a job offer…" he said to himself more than to me.

"There are rules."

"There really aren't."

"Really? Anyone in congress ever ask out Andi?"

"Hell no, there are…"

"Right. I have to go. I have to talk to Matt Skinner. You take care of the card in those flowers."

"Yeah. Hey, remind him about Andi."

I took a few deep breaths to calm myself. This was Matt Skinner's department; he was supposed to have our backs on this. What the hell was happening over there on the hill? God knows they don't get any government work done; this is all we ask of him.

"Hey Josh," he answered.

"We have a situation."

"What? The death tax again?"

"No, not the estate…wait, have you heard something?" That was the last thing I needed to deal with.

"No," he said laughing. "I just like getting you."

"Now's not the time, there's a problem with Donna."

"What about her?"

"She had a date last night with Brett Allen! Congressman Brett Allen! What the hell's going on over there, Matt?"

"Really? Brett Allen asked out Donna?" He sounded genuinely confused about this.

"Yes."

"Maybe he was offering her a job, he's looking for a new aide."

"No. This was a date, date."

"Wow," he sounded flabbergasted.

"This is your department, Matt. I look the other way on the whole you pretending to be a republican thing and you keep congress from dating my wife!"

"I know my duties, Josh. I just…I didn't think I needed to worry about Brett Allen."

"Why not? She's a beautiful, smart, sexy, caring, perfect, possibly deranged woman. He's single, fairly close to her in age, breathing..."

"Deranged?"

"Focus!"

"I'm sorry, but…well I thought he was gay."

"You what?"

"I thought he was gay!"

"Well your gaydar sucks! He's trying to get with my woman!"

"Ok, I'll take care of it."

"Today. Take care of it today. He sent flowers; I've had to enlist Toby's help. You know how much I hate doing that."

"Fine, I'll take care of it today."

I took a deep breath "Ok, good."

"No problem, lunch next week? We can fight about the death tax."

"Bring it on, republican boy! Oh yeah, Toby wanted me to remind you about Andi."

"Got it. Andi, Donna, off limits."

After I hung up with Matt, I felt better. Donna might be pissed at me, but at least the Brett Allen problem was taken care of. There would be no more dates, and the card in those flowers was going to mysteriously disappear. So maybe I felt a little guilty, but I'd have to live with it. I'd been doing this for five years; it was no time to go soft.

When my phone rang again, it was my mom. Finally.

"Mom, thank goodness. I need your help."

"She's crying," she said to me.

"How do you know?"

"I was just talking to her."

"You were? Is she ok?"

"No she's not ok, she's crying, and it's your fault."

"I know. I messed up and she won't listen to me and I'm following her around and I don't know what to do."

"Did you leave something out the last time we spoke?" she asked in her stern motherly voice.

"No."

"No?"

"No!"

"You didn't tell her there was a reason that a congressman had never asked her out."

"Well…yeah, I guess so."

"And why isn't Donna good enough for a congressman, Joshua?"

"What? I never said that?" The screech came into play about this time.

"Then what is the reason a congressman has never asked her out?"

"Because."

Then she started yelling. "Because she's just an assistant?"

So I started yelling too. "No! I've never said 'just' in front of the word 'assistant!' Donna's not 'just' anything!"

"A congressman would be lucky to have a smart, witty, beautiful woman like Donna!"

"I know!"

"Obviously you don't, not if you think there's a reason one has never asked her out!"

"There is a reason!"

"Really, then what is it?"

"It's not important!"

"Why don't they ask her out?"

"Because they know I'd kill them if they did!"

At that point, the line went silent for several long seconds and I waited for my mother to annihilate me over the phone. Finally, she spoke quietly. "There you go, Donna. I told you there was a reason."

"What? What are you talking about Mom?"

"Donna's on the line too."

"What? Donna?" That's when Donna pulled into the shoulder of the road, flung her car door open, and started walking towards me. Oh shit.

"Mom…" I choked out.

"I'm not sorry, Joshua. You're playing games with that woman's heart and I'm not going to help you do it," she said as she hung up.

I put the phone down and sat very still in the front seat, wondering what in the hell I was going to do. It was one thing for us to both know, it was another to say it out loud.

"Get out of the car, Josh," Donna said when she got to the car. I opened the door and stood in front of her, but kept my eyes on the ground. "You have forbidden members of congress from asking me out?" She didn't sound too…well, she sounded pissed.

"You and my mom set me up?" I asked quietly.

"I did not set you up. She put me on hold and a few seconds later I heard your voice. Congress is under orders not to date me?"

"Donna…"

"Don't Donna me! Who else isn't allowed to date me, Josh?" she screamed.

"It's not what it sounds like," I whispered, finally looking up at her tear-stained face. God she looked beautiful.

"It's not? Because it sounds like you still think any interaction I have with anyone in politics is a betrayal to you."

"What?" I didn't know what the hell she was talking about.

"This goes back to Cliff, right?"

What? "No!"

"Bullshit!" she screamed, and turned and headed back to her car, which is where you came in. Here I am, chasing Donna through the streets of Virginia, this time by foot, after making things worse once again.

"Donna, wait!" I yell, jogging after her.

"No!"

"You don't understand!"

"I do understand! You weren't saying I'm stupid. You were saying I'm untrustworthy!" She's screaming at me in a way she never has before.

"That's not true, Donna." She gets to her car, but she just keeps walking. I finally catch up to her and touch her arm, but she pulls away and keeps walking. "That's not it," I yell after her. I'm only about two steps behind her at this point, but she won't stop and talk to me.

"Yes it is!"

"No, it's not!"

"Then why Josh? Why can't someone in congress ask me out? Why do you care?"

"Let's go someplace and talk about this."

"I'm not going anywhere with you! Why?"

"Donna, please."

"Why?"

"Because you belong with me and they damn well know it! That's why!"

She stops suddenly and turns to face me. "What?"

"I…" and I don't know what to say, so instead of saying anything, I grab her face in both of my hands and pull her to me, and I kiss her. She doesn't respond and I start to panic. What was I thinking? I've pissed her off more today than ever before, and I pick this to be the day I kiss her for the first time?

I pull back and drop my hands to my side. "I'm sorry. I…" and then she's kissing me. Her arms are around my neck and mine are around her waist and I open my mouth a little, and she does too, and then our tongues are dancing together, and I pull her close so that our bodies are pressed up against each other, and they fit perfectly together, and I'm not sure if my heart has stopped beating or really started for the first time, and she's warm and tastes oddly familiar and I can't really think of anything in the world except this kiss and this woman and this moment. And then it occurs to me; I've waited five years to do this?

Boy, am I stupid.