Companion piece to "Boy Is He Stupid"
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Boy is he stupid. Yes, he's my son, and yes, I love him. And yes, he's brilliant, but he's also stupid. It might not sound like something a mother would say, but when it comes to women, there's no way around it; he's stupid. I love him, but he's dated some real shrews in the past. There was this one woman, a lobbyist for women's groups…
So, I was getting ready to leave for my bridge game today when he called me and told me he accidentally called Donna a prostitute. Already you're thinking to yourself, how do you accidentally call someone a prostitute. That'd be like accidentally sleeping with one, it's preposterous.
Now you may not know this, but I have very high hopes, and so does Josh, that Donna will be my daughter-in-law and the mother of my grandchildren someday. So I didn't take it well when he told me that he had called her a prostitute. He's not helping our cause.
Apparently Donna had a date last night, and he thought it was a job offer, so this morning… you're not even going to believe this. This morning, he asked her how much the guy offered her for her services and if she was tempted to accept the offer. Yes, my son, political mastermind.
I agreed to help, but only after torturing him for a minute about grandchildren. Don't give me any slack. I'm the only woman in my retirement village who doesn't have stories about grandchildren, the only one who doesn't have illegible drawings magnetted to her refrigerator, the only one who doesn't lure said grandchildren to Florida with promises of Disney World and the ocean so they can drag the child all around the retirement village showing him or her off. The only one.
So anyway, after agreeing to help my helpless son, I called Donna.
"Hello?"
"Donna, sweetheart. How're you holding up?"
"Judy?" She sounded ok, considering. A little tired maybe, definitely pissed, but ok.
"Yes, my son told me he was an ass. I was calling to see how you are?"
"I've been better. Did he tell you that he's chasing me like some sort of stalker?"
I couldn't help laughing at the thought of my son tailing Donna. He must've been losing his mind. "Yes. You know, he's brilliant, but he's…. well… an idiot. You're pretty upset, I take it."
"It was horrible." Now, that sounded sad. I know that he's been an ass to her before. I also know that it's because he's trying so desperately not to drop to one knee in the White House and propose. He's so on guard with her sometimes that he doesn't even realize that by trying to be neutral, he's disparaging. He also doesn't realize that she must love him helplessly if she stays through it each time.
"I'm surprised you didn't hit him," I said, trying to lighten the mood.
"I was tempted," she said, chuckling a little bit.
"I think he would've preferred it to the silent treatment." Josh can't stand to have Donna not talking to him. He needs the sound of her voice like he needs air.
"You called to plead his case?"
"I called to plead the case of my future grandchildren."
"What?"
"Never mind." We'll table that discussion. "You know I wouldn't stick up for him if he didn't deserve it. I'm not disillusioned into thinking my son is perfect."
"He asked me how much the guy offered for…my services," she whispered, choking a bit on the last words.
"Yeah, like I said, he's an idiot. But Donna, he thought it was a job offer."
"What?"
"He told me he thought it was a job offer."
"That's ridiculous. I told him yesterday it was a date."
"Well, for whatever reason, he thought the guy was offering you a job. When he was talking about money, he was talking about a job offer."
"That's what he told you?" She sounded doubtful.
"Yes."
"I…I don't think so."
"You think he's lying?"
"I think he hates it when I date, and he probably thought he was kidding and now he's trying to get himself out of it without me quitting or suing him." Donna knows Josh very well. The truth is, if he had said it as a joke, he would've done anything to get her to stay. He wouldn't last a day in his job without her there. And he does hate it when she dates, which is probably why he had convinced himself it was a job offer.
"He does hate it when you date. You must know there's a reason for that. Just… just promise me this. Think about the conversation the two of you had this morning and ask yourself if he could've been talking about a job offer. Just think about it and make your own decision. You know him better than anyone else, you'll figure it out."
"I'm not making any promises right now," she said.
"Ok, fair enough. You're going to be ok?"
"Yeah, could you tell him to leave me alone for a while?"
"Absolutely. Call me if you need to talk."
"I will, thanks."
After my conversation with Donna, I called Josh and forbid him from calling her for a while. I'm sure he called her the second he hung up with me.
I then went on with my day. I was at my bridge game, which is really just gossip accompanied by activity, when Josh called me back.
"Joshua, did you fix it?" I asked when I answered.
"Well…"
"Oh no." My son has a knack for making things worse. I don't know where he gets it. His father was very charming. He always said the right things and looked at me just the right way. I had hoped Josh would take after him. Fortunately, he got his father's dimples; otherwise, he'd have no hope with women.
"Mom, it's not my fault." Yeah, right.
"It's not?"
"No, she's lost her mind!"
Well, if that's true, it can only be expected after five years with him. "Dealing with a lunatic following her around Virginia all day, I'm not surprised. What happened?"
"I told her about the prostitute thing, and she believed me, and then she accused me of thinking she's stupid or something, when we all know that's not true."
Calling Donna stupid? That didn't sound like him. "Well, did you call her stupid?"
"No! I just pointed out to her that I wasn't used to congressmen asking her out, and that's why I had assumed he was offering her a job."
So, the date was a congressman, huh? I bet that's killing him. "And that's it?"
"Yes!" I looked up at Betty, Marjorie, and George who were giving me the universal 'it's your turn to deal' look.
"Ok, I'll call you back."
"But, Mom, I need your help!" He was whining at that point.
"I said I'll call you back Dear, it's my turn to deal."
"You're deserting me in my time of need to play cards? I thought you wanted grandchildren." That's why my son is in politics. He always knows which card to play.
"I do."
"Well, Donna's the only woman who has any chance of putting up with me long enough to procreate."
There's no doubt about that. "I'm well aware of that, Dear. I'll call you back."
"But…I can't keep following her indefinitely. I'm going to have to go to work tomorrow."
"I'll call you back." For crying out loud, he's impatient.
"Your son?" asked Betty after I hung up.
"Yes, he's… having an off day." How do you tell someone that your son accidentally told the woman he loves that she's a stupid prostitute?
"When's he going to marry Donna?" Yes, they've all heard about my son and his amazing assistant. And not from me. Josh doesn't' visit often, but he when he's here, he checks in with her about every hour. People pick up on it. And if my friends, who've only met him once or twice have picked up on it, then you can be sure he's not fooling Washington DC.
"Your guess is as good as mine. At this point, I'm just hoping he tells her how he feels before she marries someone else."
She laid the queen of clubs down and looked at me. "You need to play matchmaker. Speed things up a bit."
I smiled at her. What was this? Fiddler On The Roof? "I'm not a matchmaker."
"Sure you're not," she said sarcastically. Looking back, she might've had a point.
I played out my hand, but then excused myself to call Donna. "So, I hear the hot date was with a congressman? Successful, probably rich, two homes…"
"He called me stupid," she whispered, and I could hear her crying. How can love this deep be this blind?
I spoke gently to her. "He did? Are you sure?"
"Yes," she said defeated.
"I just spoke with him. He doesn't remember calling you stupid. He told me that a congressman had never asked you out and that's why he thought it was a job offer. Certainly he doesn't think you're stupid if he thinks congress is trying to offer you a job. Are you sure you didn't misinterpret what he was saying? You've had a tough day."
"That's what he told you he said?"
"Yes, and it didn't sound to me like he meant you were stupid."
She laughed sarcastically. "That's because he left out a chunk of the conversation."
At that point, he was lucky he was several states away, otherwise I might have strangled him. "I see… and what did my son really say?"
"He said it was odd that a congressman asked me out because one never has before. Then he said…" she trailed off and I could hear her sniffling.
"What did he say?"
"He said, 'don't you think there's a reason for that?'"
"He what?" I yelled into the phone. That's when I considered going there to strangle him.
"He said there's a reason no one in congress has ever asked me out. What else would that reason be? He obviously thinks I'm not good enough for one of his precious politicians."
"That's not it Donna. I guarantee it. Josh thinks you're amazing. You have to know that."
"I don't know anything when it comes to Josh anymore. I thought after re-election… but then…" We all thought after re-election.
"Donna, there is a reason he said that, but it's not what you think." There was a reason all right. I was willing to bet money he'd made it perfectly clear that no one on the hill was to ask her out. She had gone out with a lawyer from the hill a year or so before, and he was…well, livid isn't quite strong enough a word. But, to claim her as his without actually asking her to be his? He'd gone too far.
"If that's not it, what is it?"
"Honey, I need you to hold on a second. Don't hang up, I'll be right back, and we'll figure this out." I made a decision right then and there to end this little game my son was playing and used my three-way calling feature to call Josh. I only hoped I was doing it right.
"Mom, thank goodness. I need your help." I heard Donna gasp when she heard Josh's voice, but he didn't seem to notice.
"She's crying," I told him.
"How do you know?"
"I was just talking to her," I said angrily. This was my future daughter-in-law he was hurting.
"You were? Is she ok?" Good, ask about her. Show that you're concerned, I thought.
"No she's not ok, she's crying, and it's your fault."
"I know. I messed up and she won't listen to me and I'm following her around and I don't know what to do."
"Did you leave something out the last time we spoke?" I asked him in my 'you better tell me the truth' voice.
"No."
"No?"
"No!"
"You didn't tell her there was a reason that a congressman had never asked her out?"
"Well…yeah, I guess so," he said sheepishly.
"And why isn't Donna good enough for a congressman, Joshua?"
"What? I never said that?"
"Then what is the reason a congressman has never asked her out?"
"Because." I knew exactly what the reason was, but I was going to get him to say it out loud if it killed me. Or if I had to kill him.
"Because she's just an assistant?" I asked in a rather loud voice.
"No! I've never said 'just' in front of the word 'assistant!' Donna's not 'just' anything!" I only hoped at this point that she hadn't hung up, because that was really sweet.
"A congressman would be lucky to have a smart, witty, beautiful woman like Donna!"
"I know!"
"Obviously you don't, not if you think there's a reason one has never asked her out!"
"There is a reason!" By this time, we were yelling at each other.
"Really, then what is it?"
"It's not important!"
"Why don't they ask her out?"
"Because they know I'd kill them if they did!" And there it was. I could actually picture him berating himself for letting it slip.
I gave it a few seconds to sink into Donna. "There you go, Donna. I told you there was a reason."
"What? What are you talking about Mom?" Josh asked.
"Donna's on the line too."
"What? Donna?" She didn't answer him, but I'm guessing she'd already hung up by then.
"Mom…"
"I'm not sorry, Joshua. You're playing games with that woman's heart and I'm not going to help you do it," I said and hung up. I didn't know what would happen, but at least it was out in the open.
So, now it's 8:00, and I've been waiting for the last six hours to hear from either one of them to tell me what's going on. I'm beginning to worry that Donna's killed him and I'm going to have to help her stash the body. I know he's my son, but he certainly deserves it. Finally, the phone rings.
"Hello?"
"Mom, hi!" he says joyously.
"Joshua, she let you live?"
"Yes, she let me live."
"Well, you're a lucky man."
"I'm a very lucky man," he says, like he has a secret. Please, like I can't tell from the sound of his voice that something big has happened.
"So, are you and Donna back home?"
"No. We're…in Fredericksburg, Virginia. We're gonna, umm, stay here tonight and head back in the morning."
"Really? Long drive from Fredericksburg to DC?" Last time I was in DC, Donna and I went to an outlet mall in Fredericksburg. It's only an hour from DC.
"Well…we just…decided to stay here." I know I'm 70 years old, but 'we just decided to stay here'? Yeah right.
"So everything's ok…there?" At the closest hotel you could find.
"Better than ok," and I can almost hear him smiling. "I just wanted to say thanks for your help."
"You're welcome. You told her?"
"I did." It's about damn time.
"And now you're working on my grandchildren?"
"Mom!" Well, that was fun.