Companion piece to "Boy Am I Stupid" from Donna's POV. This is the final chapter to this story.
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Boy, are we stupid. I wish I could blame it all on Josh, and to his face I will, but the truth is, it took two of us to be this stupid. We could try to blame it all on Brett Allen, but although he's a complete bore and somewhat dense, it wasn't his fault. No, now that I look back, it was Josh and me, no one else. We are… to put it bluntly, stupid.
It all started yesterday. No. Friday. No. Yesterday. Yes. Yesterday. See, when Brett called and asked me to dinner, I said no. Friday night in that meeting he was an idiot. His whole "putting money into high school after school programs creates money they can use for other things." He didn't mean after school programs, he meant football, maybe basketball. No other high school programs create any real amount of money. Cross-country bringing in the money these days? The chess club packing them in? No, I don't think so. Then he told Josh that I was entertaining him? Please, I just wanted to smack him, which I did verbally. Anyway, I regress…
But then Josh had to go and open his big mouth and call me a black widow spider. That's where he started being stupid. I couldn't let it go, so I called Brett the wonder congressman back and told him I was able to make the date after all. That's where I started being stupid. For one thing, it made me look desperate. Like I had changed my plans so I could go out with the idiot, when in fact, I had made up plans so I wouldn't have to. For another thing, I should have been the adult; Lord knows Josh isn't going to be.
But no, I went out on the date. I had, by the way, an absolutely horrible time. He talked about western films and his grandmother all night. He chewed with his mouth open and ordered his steak rare. The thing looked alive. And then at the end of the night, he made a pass at me when he took me home, which I'm not going to mention to Josh for obvious reasons. I don't need him beating the hell out of a congressman in the middle of the Capitol. We've got enough enemies there.
Anyway, back to the story. I went on the date from hell, and then I came into work yesterday, where Josh asked me how much money the guy offered for my services and if I was tempted to take the offer or if I was going to use said offer to get what I wanted from him? I'm gonna go right ahead and say this part wasn't my fault. I told Josh it was date; he chose to pretend otherwise. I even asked him in his office if he was saying I was for sale. I attempted to clarify, so I'm not taking any blame for this portion of the stupidity. I just want that to be clear from the beginning.
Now I'm not going to bore you with the whole story. I know Josh has been filling you in. I'm just going to give you the highlights…
I left the White House planning to go home, eat Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia, call Barb, my best friend from high school, take a bubble bath, and then watch Nine to Five. That seemed to movie that best fit the situation. However, on the way home, I thought I heard my name. So I looked out my window and Josh was in the car next to me, giving me the universal 'roll down your window' sign. What the hell? I'd already hung up on him twice, not caring to listen to him blabbering on about how it was a joke and I needed to lighten up, and he's sorry, and please don't quit. I just wasn't in the mood. Now he was following me?
That's when I decided not to go home where he could both find me and let himself into my apartment with his key. Thus began the chase. Who did we think we were anyway, OJ Simpson? He was following me through the streets? How immature are we?
A series of events took place soon after that included the following: breaking several driving laws, driving through random housing additions and mall parking lots in Virginia in attempts to lose Josh, telling Josh to drop dead, hanging up on Toby, calling the country radio station and requesting "No One Else On Earth" by Wynona, and canceling Josh's cleaning service for the week out of spite. I could've done worse, but I didn't have everyone's phone number with me.
Then Josh did something smart. I know, it's hard to believe, but he did. He had his mom call me. I can't hang up on her. I hope to be her daughter-in-law someday. Well, she gave Josh his big break by convincing me to think about the conversation. She then told me she'd tell Josh to leave me alone and give me some time to think. He called me 84 seconds later; I timed him.
I answered with, "If you say even one word, I'm hanging up."
"Donna." And I hung up. I was going to control this conversation, not him.
A minute later, he called again. "I mean it Josh, one word and I'm hanging up."
"It was…" and I hung up again.
I guess with Josh, third time's a charm. He called and I answered, "Not one word." To my utter amazement he was quiet, and I introduced my "temporary truce" plan, which was my way of being an adult. I was thirsty, I was hungry, and on a day like this one, you can't beat McDonald's. Plus, in my book, Josh owed me lunch. We'd been driving for over two hours.
However, I was still pissed. I hadn't had time to think about the conversation like Judy asked me to; he'd called too quickly. And quite frankly, I still didn't believe him. The sick thing, and I mean absolutely sick and twisted, was that I was beginning to find it cute that he cared enough to follow me. I know; I'm such a girl.
So anyway, I was thirsty, but I wanted to think for a few minutes before talking to Josh, and I may be stupid, but I'm no idiot. I knew he wasn't going to let me out of that parking lot without trying to talk to me. I needed advice before food, and I needed a woman's perspective.
"Hello?"
"CJ, if I call later and need directions to a dump to dispose of a body, I need you to give me said directions without asking questions."
"Can I help?" Gotta love CJ. Even then, she could make me laugh.
"I need some advice."
"What's up?"
"Hypothetically; if a man asked you how much another man offered you, and if you were tempted to accept said offer, what would your reaction be?"
"Hmm… very interesting. What are we talking about when he asks me this?"
"A date."
"Death," she said slowly and poignantly.
"Because you'd think…"
"He was calling me a whore," she finished for me.
"Right. What if you were talking about a job offer?"
"Well, I guess that would depend on if I was considering it. If I was, I'd be honest. If I wasn't, I'd use it to get a raise from my current boss. Why do you ask?"
"Well, I had dinner with Brett Allen last night, and…"
"He offered you the position. Wow. Are you really considering it?"
"The position?" I didn't know what the hell she was talking about.
"His top aide hates it here; he's looking for a new one."
"What?"
"His top aide…"
"Shit!" I cut her off. "I have to go. The bastard was telling the truth."
"The bastard? Is everything ok?"
"Yeah, I just have to talk to Josh about something."
"Call me back if you need those directions."
And that's when Josh's story started to hold water. That's why, when we got to McDonald's, I ordered him lunch. And by ordered I mean ordered. I didn't buy him lunch. In fact, he bought me lunch. And when I got in his car, still not 100 sure of his truthfulness, we ate in complete silence. It was nice; he even whispered thanks.
But when I got out of the car, he jumped out too, just like I knew he would. "I thought it was a job offer!" he yelled frantically.
"Your mom told me."
"It's the truth," he said quickly, walking over to where I was standing. He was being really cautious approaching me, like he was afraid I'd run away. It was… really sweet. There I go being a girl again. "It's the truth," he said even softer when he was in front of me.
I stared at him for a few seconds, and then all these emotions took over and I found myself throwing my arms around him and crying. I was so relieved that he didn't say that stuff. It's like finding out the man you love is a serial killer, and you know you have to leave him even though you still love him. And you find yourself wondering, 'how could the man I love do that?' That's how I felt when he said that stuff. But then, when I found out he didn't mean it that way, it was like finding out the man who you thought was a serial killer and you were going to have to leave, isn't one after all, and suddenly it's ok to love him again. Understand? Where the hell did that analogy come from?
"I would never say that stuff about you," he whispered, pulling me close. It's worth mentioning that he smelled really good at this point and I was considering staying in his arms forever, right there in the McDonald's parking lot.
"I know," I whispered back.
And that's when he got stupid again. "I just… I couldn't believe he was asking you on a date, I thought it had to be a job offer." You know the rest of the conversation; I don't want to re-live it.
So the chase began again. And this time, I wasn't so much pissed, as I was sad. I mean, I was pissed, really, really pissed, but I was so upset. Because all this time, Josh had never treated me like a college dropout secretary, not until that moment. And just like that, I felt small and inconsequential. Like he hadn't needed me over the last five years. Like he had taken pity on me, and continued to do that every day, and although we worked together and flirted with each other, he didn't respect me, and how would he ever love me if he didn't respect me.
And then, as if someone out there was laughing at me, my cell rang again.
"Hello?"
"Donna, hi. It's Brett. Brett Allen." Great.
"Brett, hi."
"Hi, I just wanted to say thanks for a great evening last night."
He must've been on a different date than I was. "No, thank you. Dinner was…" boring as hell… "good. I love Morton's…" for business dinners, not dates.
"Good. I'm glad you enjoyed it." Did I say the word enjoy? "I was wondering if you'd like to go out again. One of my favorite authors is giving a lecture at Georgetown tonight. Maybe we could grab dinner and make a night of it."
Oh Lord, no more western book talk. "Well, I'm… out of town right now. I'm not sure what time I'll be back." I said that as I looked down and realized I had just over a quarter a tank of gas. I was pretty confident that Josh's tank was lower than mine, but there was cause for concern. What if I ran out in the middle of nowhere? I wasn't even sure where in Virginia we were.
"Oh. Well, we could play it by ear. Why don't you call me when you're back in town? The lecture doesn't start until eight. If you're not back in time for dinner, we could get coffee afterwards."
"Umm…ok. I'll call if I get back in time." I stressed the word "if."
And that's when I started my own little pity party. I was a mess; exhausted from stress, tired of driving, and dreading the thought of another night out with the world's most boring politician. I really just wanted to go home and take that bath. This pity party led to things such as sobbing uncontrollably about my pitiful excuse for a love life, sobbing uncontrollably about missing everyone of my niece's 6th grade volleyball games, sobbing uncontrollably about the fact that I was almost out of toilet paper and when this nightmare of a day ended, I was still going to have to go to the store, sobbing uncontrollably about the fact that my sister has three kids and I don't have any, and finally calling the classic rock station and requesting "I Can't Make You Love Me' by Bonnie Rait.
Anyway, almost another hour went by before Judy called me.
"Hello?"
"So, I hear the hot date was with a congressman? Successful, probably rich, two homes…" And just hearing her soothing voice brought out the tears again.
"He called me stupid," I whispered.
"He did? Are you sure?"
"Yes." And we talked for a minute about what Josh told her he'd said, compared to what he had actually said. When I replayed the conversation for her, not only did I really start crying, she got upset. I'm pretty sure she likes me better than Josh.
"He what?" she yelled.
"He said there's a reason no one in congress has ever asked me out. What else would that reason be? He obviously thinks I'm not good enough for one of his precious politicians."
"That's not it Donna. I guarantee it. Josh thinks you're amazing. You have to know that."
"I don't know anything when it comes to Josh anymore. I thought after re-election… but then…" We were both quiet for a minute after that.
"Donna, there is a reason he said that, but it's not what you think."
"If that's not it, what is it?"
"Honey, I need you to hold on a second. Don't hang up, I'll be right back, and we'll figure this out." And the line went quiet for several seconds.
"Mom, thank goodness. I need your help." I gasped when I heard Josh's voice. I wasn't sure what was going on, but then I heard his mom talk to him.
"She's crying." I felt like I should say something, but I didn't know what to say, plus I was crying pretty bad by then, which just made me feel like some lovesick pathetic loser. So I just listened, because I didn't know what else to do.
"How do you know?"
"I was just talking to her." She sounded pissed.
"You were? Is she ok?" And again, I found myself thinking it was sweet that he was concerned about me.
"No she's not ok, she's crying, and it's your fault."
"I know. I messed up and she won't listen to me and I'm following her around and I don't know what to do."
"Did you leave something out the last time we spoke?"
"No."
"No?"
"No!"
"You didn't tell her there was a reason that a congressman had never asked her out?"
"Well…yeah, I guess so," he said sheepishly.
"And why isn't Donna good enough for a congressman, Joshua?"
"What? I never said that?"
"Then what is the reason a congressman has never asked her out?"
"Because."
"Because she's just an assistant?" she yelled.
"No! I've never said 'just' in front of the word 'assistant!' Donna's not 'just' anything!" Again with the being sweet. How was I supposed to stay mad when he said amazing things like that?
"A congressman would be lucky to have a smart, witty, beautiful woman like Donna!"
"I know!"
"Obviously you don't, not if you think there's a reason one has never asked her out!"
"There is a reason!" By this time, they were yelling at each other.
"Really, then what is it?"
"It's not important!"
"Why don't they ask her out?"
"Because they know I'd kill them if they did!"
When he said that, the line got really quiet for a few seconds, and I think I stopped breathing. "There you go, Donna. I told you there was a reason."
"What? What are you talking about Mom?" Josh asked.
"Donna's on the line too." And that's when I came to my senses, screeched to a stop at the side of the road, and tore out of the car to kill Josh.
"Get out of the car, Josh," I screamed when I got to his car. He got out, but wouldn't look at me. "You have forbidden members of congress from asking me out?" I think it's possible that I had never been as angry with him as I was right then.
"You and my mom set me up?" he had the nerve to ask.
"I did not set you up. She put me on hold and a few seconds later I heard your voice. Congress is under orders not to date me?"
"Donna…"
"Don't Donna me! Who else isn't allowed to date me, Josh?" I screamed.
"It's not what it sounds like," he whispered.
"It's not? Because it sounds like you still think any interaction I have with anyone in politics is a betrayal to you."
"What?"
"This goes back to Cliff, right?" Do you know about the Cliff thing? There was this guy, we went out, he was fighting with Josh about the estate tax, I slept with him, he threatened to have me arrested, Josh saved my ass and then made my next year a living hell by dating Amy Gardner, she-devil…. Yes, Cliff. You remember.
"No!"
"Bullshit!" I screamed. I couldn't believe we were back to this, and I turned and headed back to my car.
He started following me, this time on foot. "Donna, wait!"
"No!"
"You don't understand!"
"I do understand! You weren't saying I'm stupid. You were saying I'm untrustworthy!" And now I was sobbing and screaming, and I don't even want to think about the scene we were making on the side of a very busy street.
"That's not true, Donna. That's not it."
"Yes it is!"
"No, it's not!"
"Then why Josh? Why can't someone in congress ask me out? Why do you care?"
"Let's go someplace and talk about this." Like there was any chance in hell I was going to go anywhere with him. I just wanted answers. He could've had me anytime, and he chose not to. Who was he to say no one else could have me either?
"I'm not going anywhere with you! Why?"
"Donna, please."
"Why?"
"Because you belong with me and they damn well know it! That's why!"
That's when the world stopped spinning on its axis. I stopped and looked at him, tears streaming down my face, which had to have an utterly shocked expression on it. "What?"
And then the most amazing thing happened. He started to talk, but then he took my face in his hands, and kissed me. I was so stunned that I just kind of stood there, trying to memorize the very feel of his lips on mine. This was it; the first, and certainly not the last time Joshua Lyman kissed me. On the side of who knows what street in who knows where Virginia with who knows who driving by.
And then he pulled back and apologized. "I'm sorry. I…" and he looked devastated, because I hadn't responded at all, I was so shocked. So I pulled him close and kissed him. And let me tell you; this kiss was amazing. Our bodies fit together like magic, my hands were made to be in his hair, our chests were rising and falling together, his tongue was… wow. And then, he had me up against my car, and his hand was under my shirt on my back and I could feel his erection, and I was unbuttoning his shirt, and then a car honked at us.
"Josh, we can't stand here all day," I managed to get out even though he was doing something to my neck that has to be illegal in some country somewhere.
"Right," he said, but just kept going. And I swear, if the sun had been down so people wouldn't have noticed, we would've had sex right there.
"Josh, we can't," I said again. And he stopped and looked up at me like I'd just killed his dog. "I mean, we can't here," I clarified.
He got a huge smile on his face. "Right. The back seat?"
"The back seat?" I shrieked.
"Right. That's bad. We're gonna need more room than that." And when he said that in all seriousness, I couldn't help but laugh.
"We could go to my place," I said, somewhat out of breath, as he'd gone back to doing the neck thing.
"Too far," he groaned into my ear, and just for fun, I bent my leg that was between his, and came in contact with his erection, and he groaned again.
Then he upped the ante by palming my breast, and it was my turn to groan. After that, we kissed for a while, until I realized I was holding his tie. We really needed to move this inside. "We passed a Comfort Suites a few blocks back," I said, nipping at his Adam's apple with my top teeth and lower lip.
Well, that did it, because he stepped back and looked at me. "Are you sure?" he asked. Once again, being sweet. I nodded, and he kissed me on the lips again, and said, "I'll follow you there." And I couldn't help but laugh at the irony of it.
On the way to the hotel, I looked at my cell, and noticed I had a message. "Donna, hi. This is Brett again. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to be able to make it tonight after all. I was just talking to Congressman Skinner and… something's come up and… well; I'm going to be pretty busy for a while. You know how life is here in DC. Anyway, umm… I'm… well, it was nice meeting you and maybe I'll give you a call when my schedule settles down. And, uh… I guess I'll see you around the hill in the meantime. Bye…" Whatever.
We weren't in our hotel room for more than two minutes before I was well on my way to the first of the six orgasms I've had in the last seven hours. We finally called his mom to say thanks and then ordered a pizza. Josh insisted on answering the door when the delivery guy came because he didn't want me putting on clothes. And now, he's licking pizza sauce off my stomach and I have a feeling orgasm number seven isn't too far away, and all I can think is: we've been running from this for five years?
Boy, are we stupid.