It's not mine; it's all J.K. Rowling's.

Chapter 7: In which James Travels Down the Tunnel of Certain Doom

Or

In which James Deals with Syphilis

James smiled when he saw Lily, completely forgetting about his conversation with Remus. He eyed her overflowing bag and the box in her hand, and being the gentleman he was, asked, "Do you want to put that box in my bag?"

"Sure," Lily said, handing it to him.

He bent and slipped it easily into his nearly empty bag. Standing up, he slung his bag up and over his head to rest at his side. This left him with a hand for Lily's bag and his broom and a hand for Lily.

"Let's go," he said, pulling her with him down to the carriages. He kept a firm hold on her until he found them an empty compartment on the train. Once she was settled across from Remus, he said, "I'll be right back. I've got to find Sirius before he misses the train."

So he headed out, but instead of finding Sirius he found another Black...Regulus.

"Watch it, pretty boy," Regulus sneered, haughty in spite of the fact he was younger and stupider than James.

"I wouldn't throw insults, Black, unless you want a detention," James warned. He hardly ever actually gave detentions, but Regulus was certainly tempting him. Regulus just glared though, and shouldered past him. James couldn't blame Sirius for wanting to get away from his family. James looked around some more, but didn't see Sirius. Then the train pulled out; too late now, one way or the other. He was almost back to the compartment when he had to dodge a wildly flapping banner that read:

Syphilis for Sale

Shit, who came up with that kind of thing? It was just sick. He would dearly have loved to ignore the sign, but he was Head Boy, so he couldn't just walk away. He looked around for a prefect he could assign the task to, but didn't see one. Damn. With a sigh he pushed the door to the compartment open, hoping Lily wouldn't mind waiting a little longer. What he saw inside the compartment couldn't have surprised him more. There weren't any seats; instead, there was only a table with three first years in orange jumpsuits behind it. They all looked at him when he entered the room.

"Hello..." James said, trailing off uncertainly. "Look, I'm sorry to bother you, but I wanted to inquire about the sign on the door." After he said it he realized how it must sound. "Not about it really, I just want to talk with the person who's selling...ummm...well you know, and...well I just want to speak to who's in charge," he finished lamely.

"Of course, of course," one of the first years said with an air of intelligence.

"Right through that door, sir," they all chorused at once, gesturing to a normal wooden door that looked decidedly out of place in such an un-normal environment.

"Alright," James said and reluctantly went over to the door and opened it. He could tell he was in for a bad day. There were maybe 5 first years in this room, all of whom were wearing togas. Yes, togas. Who wears togas? Well, the togas didn't actually look that out of place considering that the whole room was done up like a jungle of sorts. In fact there were animals that looked suspiciously like monkeys in the trees. Sidestepping a ginger snapping plant that was trying to caress his ankles James called out to the nearest first year, "I'm looking for someone to talk to about the sign in the corridor!" He was feeling slightly desperate by now. He just wanted to get back to his compartment and back to Lily who would tell him he was very brave for taking on a bunch of first years in togas in order to do his job as head boy.

The first year, a girl as it turned out, smiled angelically. "That way," she said, pointing to what James decided to dub 'The Tunnel of Certain Doom.' It looked very foreboding.

Cursing his luck, he set out toward it, barely getting away from the tarragon hybrid that was trying to stick his eyes out. Reaching the tunnel he found that the entrance was made of snakes. SNAKES! What kind of sick person came up with this? More importantly, what had he done to deserve this? If he made it out of this alive he swore he'd pay more attention to his head duties. Honestly! Steeling himself, he began walking through the tunnel. It wasn't that bad. He'd gotten in maybe 20 steps when something slimy touched his shoulder. He whirled around and promptly lost his balance, falling into a pond. A pond! How in the world did you get a pond in a train? Maybe he wasn't even on the train anymore. Maybe he'd died and gone to hell. Scrambling up, James flat out started to run. It was pitch black and he couldn't see a thing. He fought his way through thorns that scratched his arms and tore at his clothing. He was certain that he was going to die. It wouldn't be long now and then...it was over. He was in the light. After he recovered his equilibrium, he found he was standing in a plain compartment, dripping wet and covered in scratches, but he was most certainly on the train and still alive.

Eyeing the two boys sitting in the compartment, he resisted the urge to go and demand of them why the hell there was a pond and a thicket of thorns in the adjoining compartment. Instead he ground out, "Who...do I see...about the sign...in the corridor?" The boys looked up nervously.

"That would be me," the boy with sandy brown hair said, "I'm the one selling the fish."

The fish. Fish? FISH!

Damn worthless, can't spell, can't proof-read, can't think, first years. How could anyone be stupid enough to confuse fish and syphilis? FISH! They probably did it on purpose. They probably thought it was a right fine joke. Or they were really stupid, but still. James could feel his eye twitching.

"How...many...f...f...fi...fish...sh...do you have left?" He said slowly, dangerously.

"Ummm...two," the boy said looking worried. "Would you like to buy one? I can give you a really good deal."

James thought it over. "I'll take them both," he said solemnly pulling a galleon out of his pocket.

"Great!" The kid said, enthusiastically pulling out two goldfish frozen in ice. "All you have to do is plop these two in some water and they'll perk right up."

James accepted the two frozen fish blocks and then, trying to sound casual said, "Well I suppose now that you've sold all the f...fish...sh, you don't need that sign in the corridor anymore. Would you like me to take it down for you?"

"That would be great," the kid gushed.

"Thanks," James muttered heading for the door. As he reached the door, he couldn't resist adding, "By the way you might want to review your marketing staff. Maybe hire some new blood. Someone with a brain per say." Then he left the compartment, his shoes squishing out puddles of water as he went.

Once out in the corridor he set his fish blocks down and walked over to the sign. He carefully took the sign off the wall, undid the residue of the sticking charm, folded the sign into neat quarters, and efficiently tore it into tiny, tiny pieces. He felt a little bit better. Then he pulled open a window and threw the pieces out. Now he definitely felt better. Sighing, he stooped, picked his fish up from the floor, and finally made it back to the compartment. Opening the door, James stepped in, glad to be among friends, who certainly were NOT first years and most definitely knew the difference between fish and syphilis. Sirius had apparently managed to find the compartment on his own. He and Remus were discussing ways of removing muggle hair dye, while Ally listened grinning and Lily was flipped through a magazine. Everyone looked up as he closed the door. Lily gasped and Sirius jumped to his feet, grabbing for his wand. That's when he realized what he must look like, dripping water on the floor, covered in what rather seemed to be slime, his clothes torn, and scratches bleeding up and down his arms from protecting his face.

He put a hand on Sirius' arm, "No need to get defensive, Padfoot; unless you're interested in picking a fight with the tunnel of doom." James groaned and sank into Sirius' vacated seat, letting the fish fall to the floor. He leaned down and pulled off his shoes, letting good sized puddles of water pour onto the floor.

"What happened?" Lily asked, moving over and gently pressing a handkerchief to his cuts.

James started to answer then stopped. Thought about what his answer would be and burst out in laughter. He laughed for a good minute while his friends looked on in a worried fashion.

"I'm sorry," he finally managed, "It's just so awful that it's really funny."

Lily looked at him, her beautiful green eyes filled with worry.

"Hey," he said, "No worries, I'm fine." He desperately wanted to run a finger down her cheek or kiss her or something, but he figured she wouldn't appreciate the slime.

Grinning widely he launched into his story. Sirius had fallen over laughing somewhere in the middle of the story; coincidentally enough he fell right into Ally's lap, so no harm done. Lily was the only one who managed to stopper her laughter at the end of the story.

"I knew you would eventually do one of your head boy duties."

"The first and the last time," he agreed.

"That does sound pretty awful." She looked at the frozen fish by his feet, "What are you doing to do with them?"

"Oh, I'll probably give them to my dad, I'll name them Doom and Destruction. He'll appreciate the story behind them."

Lily smiled, "That's a good idea. I don't think fish are technically allowed at Hogwarts."

"Going to give me detention, head girl?"

"No," she said, wrinkling her nose, "I will order you to clean up though."

"No problem. Ladies out; I'm going to change into some clean robes."

Sirius finally stopped his laughing to say, "Are you sure you don't want Lily to stay and help?"

"Shut-up, Pinky," James said, giving Sirius a friendly shove into the corridor. Ally followed him, dragging Remus with her. Lily was about to leave when the door slammed shut. James' eyes widened. That little sneak! He dove for the door, trying to get there before Sirius could perform a locking spell. Just as he grabbed the handle he heard the click indicating the locking spell was in place. He tugged the handle four times to no avail. Damn, it would take him a good two hours to figure out the right counter-spell.

"Lily, I'm so sorry. I should have figured he'd do that."

"It's not your fault, James. I wouldn't bother," she said with a nod toward the door, "They'll let us out before we get to the platform."

"Yeah," he sighed heavily, shifting uncomfortably in the sticky wetness of his robe.

"I'll turn around."

"You know what they'll say if I've changed clothes?" James said in disbelief.

"They'll say it anyway," she replied sensibly, "Besides they won't really mean it." She turned around pointedly, her earrings and ponytail swinging temptingly.

If he changed clothes and cleaned up a bit he could kiss her. That was actually a really good point. Grabbing a clean robe out of his bag, he changed in record time.

"I'm done," he said, trying to get the cleaning charm he was using to cooperate.

Lily pulled out her wand and, with an idle flick, completed his charm, leaving him spotlessly clean. James held out his arms and she settled in them, snuggling close. James decided to sit down, so they rearranged a little and settled with Lily's head in his lap, so her hair was easily accessible for running his fingers through.

"I ought to warn you," he said, breaking the easy silence, "You're the first girl I've brought home, so the family might go a little bit overboard."

"Overboard?"

"Oh, you know, 'How cute! His first girlfriend.' Then they'll start comparing notes on you like how your skin complexion is, if you have good posture and things like that while you're standing right in front of them. At least that's how I figure it's going to be. I wouldn't know, but that just sounds like my family."

"Can't you just pay off one of your cousins to distract them? I did that once, a long time ago; it worked beautifully. Everyone was so preoccupied with Laura's supposed boyfriend with a tongue ring they completely forgot to care that I'd streaked my hair purple."

James nearly fainted at that. "Purple?" He said his voice rising embarrassingly on the last syllable.

Lily nodded.

"Please, please promise you'll never do that again!"

Lily looked amused, "What do I get if I promise?"

James though hurriedly, chocolates? No; to obvious...umm...lilies? No; to clichéd...umm...then he realized what she'd been getting at. Geez, he was stupid sometimes.

"How about a kiss?"

"Sounds fair to me," she said grinning.

He brushed his lips over hers. She pouted adorably, so he went back for a longer kiss.

When they broke apart, James' mind was spinning, so when Lily said, "So can't you pay off a cousin?" It took him a good deal of time to remember what she was talking about.

"Oh...well I don't have any cousins."

Lily looked surprised, "Then who are all of these relatives who will be scrutinizing us?"

James tried to figure out what the best way to explain the jumble that was his family would be. "I was the first born child to my parents. I was actually the first born in my dad's generation of the Potter family. Since my father was the eldest child and set to inherit the Potter dynasty, a first born son was a big deal. Everyone celebrated and all that," he sighed heavily, "Then there was an accident; my mom barely lived. In fact my dad always says it was a miracle that saved her, but she did lose the chance to have any more children. It wasn't that big of a deal though. My parents had me, and my dad had 6 brothers who were all starting to marry. Everyone figured it wouldn't be long until the Potter family was up to its ears in children. It's kind of ironic really that every single one of my uncles married and found they couldn't have children for one reason or another. So, I'm all they have. It's kind of like I'm everyone's son since they don't have any children of their own. I imagine this is going to be like the worst meeting the parents' story you've ever heard multiplied by 12. In fact, now that I think about it, this is going to be plain awful."

Lily was wrinkling her nose, "You couldn't have told me this before I agreed to go home with you?"

"Nope," he said, grinning fondly at her and smoothing her silky hair, "It'll be fun."

"Yeah, fun," she said sarcastically, then sat up.

He wrapped his arms around her waist and tucked his chin in her shoulder. "I'll make snow angels with you..."

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Hey! I hope you liked this chapter. I just want to warn you things will get a little confusing in the upcoming chapters because of James many, many relatives. I'm going to publish a little guide to them at the bottom of the next chapter, but really it doesn't matter too much who they are as individuals, just that they're his family.

As always thanks to my reviewers, you guys are awesome!

Kelly – get your own life. Mine's zippy fine

Daystar – Mondo niffer happy minutes to Kathryn. I'm going to work on that letter sometime, honestly.